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Eklinaar

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About Eklinaar

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  • Name
    Eklinaar
  • Gender
    agender
  • Pronouns
    He
  • Location
    United States
  • Occupation
    Pepper wrangler
  • Romanticism
    Aromantic
  • Sexuality
    Allosexual

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  1. Eklinaar

    can aromantic people fall in love?

    I'd say that if you were going strictly by the definition of aromantic, then no, aromantic people can't fall in love, because that phrase means romantic love. However, that's a prescriptive answer to your question, not a descriptive answer, and I'm making it just so I can follow up with what I'm saying next. So even with a prescriptive answer, it doesn't mean that an aromantic person's love is incompatible with someone who does feel romantic love, or less valid. I have deeply loved some of my romantic partners, but my love was not romantic. But I don't care for prescriptive labels. Labels are just tools, and are often imprecise or inaccurate, both in terms of not always being perfect labels for an individual, and that actual lived experience is often far messier than our labels on their own would indicate. So I would answer, yes, an aromantic can fall in love, because people aren't labels and labels are imprecise. But the label is intended largely to represent people who do not fall in love, and by being so do not follow the normative models of our society, so focusing on "yes aromantic people can fall in love" is undermining the label. But, both of those points considered, your individual experience matters, so go with what works for you. If you are an aromantic who can fall in love, fine, you do you. If you are an aromantic who can't fall in love, same.
  2. Welcome! Have you looked around the rest of the forums? Your story is not dissimilar from many other aromantic experiences. Maybe reading about other people's experiences would help you pinpoint how you feel. This in particular is something I think a lot of people here can relate to. This is really common for aros. I have a very hard time noticing when someone is attracted to me, even though I read people's emotions pretty keenly most of the time. Yes! I have a hard time relating to this kind of thing. The things most people want from romance sound so miserable to me. I can relate. I'm in my mid-30s and I'm staunchly opposed to ever marrying or having kids. My parents only recently got over this. You said you don't feel sex-repulsed, but do you want sex? Most people who enjoy sex want it, but of course, this is a land of uncommon experiences. It's certainly possible to enjoy sex without particularly desiring it, but I have no idea how one would discover that about oneself. In my experience, masturbation and sex are very different things and aren't good indicators of each other. What you described doesn't sound like touch starvation. Usually touch starvation is accompanied by wanting touch. But again, this is a land of uncommon experiences, so it's entirely possible that you are touch starved but don't feel any particularly strong desire for it, and that you would feel better if you were touched. However, experimenting with that can be very unpleasant for some people. Maybe there's some other kind of intimacy you want? Do you just want to be emotionally affectionate, not physically? Do you want someone who you spend time with, but with few expectations and no pressure? Is there anything you fantasize about? Any relationships or experiences that you daydream about and can say "Yeah, I'd like to do that!"? I don't really know what more advice to give you. You sound like you've got your own feelings figured out pretty well to me. You seem pretty happy with friendship, with just having your friends around, like when your roommates are around. Is that what you want? Or do you think there are other kinds of intimacy you would like? I've heard a lot of people here say that they are able to explore what might or might not work for them by daydreaming about it and watching to see how they respond emotionally. Maybe some people will chime in with some tips about how to explore all this. I wouldn't recommend exploring the way I did, which was "be in denial for the entirety of my 20s and date anyway even though I was miserable and then wonder why I was starting to develop trauma responses".
  3. As an aro who has dated a good bit, I can say that romantic relationships totally can work. All of mine were before I came out, and I'm really not sure I want to have romantic relationships again (I'm not cupioromantic at all), but if you just communicate well it can work. I find that I relate to a lot of personal stories about polyamory because of the communication required about people's inner experiences and feelings. I haven't actually accomplished it since coming out, but I think I could have a relationship with an alloromantic if we communicated about our feelings and boundaries like that. That said, I don't think I've ever seen cupioromantic content, but surely someone's made a cupioromantic blog somewhere.
  4. Eklinaar

    Differentiating between types of attraction

    The commonly used distinctions between types of attraction aren't particularly clear to me when I try to apply them to my own inner experience. For example, I'm pretty sure I don't experience aesthetic attraction at all, and I see very little difference between a squish, a friend-crush, and sensual attraction in my own feelings. If I like someone enough to be their friend, I pretty much always want to touch them, so a friend crush and sensual attraction are basically the same thing to me. Sometimes I might experience one of these kinds of attraction particularly clearly, but most of the time I don't. I also think I experience kinds of attraction that I've never heard anyone else describe before. But it hasn't mattered all that much to me to find words for these feelings. Usually I know how I feel and I know how I want to act on those feelings, and the other person usually feels completely differently so it won't work out anyway and it's irrelevant. But I'm glad other aros find these terms really useful because having language to discuss commonly shared experiences is very important. But in general, I think yes, aromantics are more able to distinguish between different types of attraction (and other things, like toxic behavior in relationships is a lot more apparent to many of us) because our experiences do not match with the commonly shared cultural narratives of how relationships are supposed to work. Since we don't have these social scripts to follow, we have to figure things out on our own, so we spend more time examining our own feelings. Queer people have very similar experiences, like the details of how gender constructs actually work are far more apparent to trans people than to cis people. Being outside the norm makes the norm a lot easier to examine.
  5. I don't think I'm demisexual, but I've questioned whether I am for quite some time because my sexuality behaves somewhat like this. I'm usually, but not always, only attracted to someone I've been friends with for a while. My sex drive doesn't fade completely when there's no one reciprocating my interest, but it does fade significantly. Being with someone else doesn't gross me out, but I'm polyamorous so that might explain that part. But like you, having reciprocal sexual interest on top of an emotional bond is for me such a different and far more intense experience from simply being horny that I'm not sure they're even the same kind of phenomenon. I understand feeling heartbroken and wanting to be affectionate. I'm sorry you're going through that. It's tough. I hope you two will be able to work out something more satisfying in the future.
  6. Ah yes, I started a thread about this service a while ago, but it was little more than a tech beta back then. I'm curious to hear what people's experiences are with this. This is not the first attempt at a platonic relationship app, and the others all failed quickly after launch.
  7. Eklinaar

    My Intro....

    Thank you for sharing your story. I know all too well how hard it is to go through decades not understanding my own identity and not enjoying relationships. Welcome to this community. There aren't many of us older aros, but you're definitely not the only one.
  8. I'm kinda the opposite in that I'm very open about my identity and I enjoy queer culture in a lot of ways, but I totally understand that queer culture is not for everyone. I know you aren't the only person who thinks being queer just isn't a big deal and doesn't want to talk about it. I've met plenty of people like this.
  9. Eklinaar

    Looking to connect with the community

    Welcome. For years I only ever heard people talk about aromantic experiences in combination with being asexual, so I assumed being aromantic was something only asexuals experienced, and I'm definitely not asexual. It took me a pretty long time to realize I'm aro, too. So, I relate to a lot of what you said. There's a good number of people here like you, so I hope you can make connections.
  10. Eklinaar

    hello, there

    Lol, that explains why those are my favorite books. I take long, slow walks and take time to identify and admire and photograph plants. I'm also into TNG. Hit me up any time you want to talk about those things. I'm not a birder myself but there are several here.
  11. Eklinaar

    hello, there

    Hey, welcome. Thanks for sharing your story. I appreciate the way you write about yourself. I feel you on a lot of stuff. I don't have any kids myself, but all my friends are married or otherwise paired off and they ignore our friendship and it's really disheartening. I'm pretty badly touch-starved, myself, and I know others in the community are, too. I don't really have any way to seek satisfaction in that way. My sex drive is relatively average but I crave a lot of non-sexual affection, and people often are much less interested in that than in sexual affection. I've also dated quite a bit and just felt uncomfortable and vaguely unsatisfied in those relationships. I'm glad you found this community and I hope you can make friends here. I know others will relate to your experiences, too. And if your username is any indication of your hobbies, then there are some others here who may be interested in talking with you.
  12. Eklinaar

    I feel guilty about masturbation

    Masturbation isn't sex. There is nothing wrong with masturbating in private, ever. Masturbating absolutely is not cheating and anyone who says otherwise has a seriously fucked up idea of monogamy and sex. If your partner is telling you not to masturbate, that's a huge red flag and possibly a sign of manipulation or abuse. I would NEVER tell a partner they shouldn't masturbate and if a partner told me not to, I'd probably dump them immediately. The only person who has any business controlling how and when you masturbate in private is you. As for how to do it, there are websites about that, and I'm not talking about porn. Some sexual health websites offer tips or tutorials.
  13. Assume that her response is a hard no unless she brings it up again. Honestly exploring that kind of thing by having sex is not a great idea unless the person doing the exploring really wants to go that direction. Just point her to these forums and to aspec tumblr blogs. Reading about people's experiences is a safe way to explore these identities. Let her do it on her own, and be supportive of what she's experiencing and how she chooses to identify. Assume that she knows best.
  14. Eklinaar

    Giving Allo Friends Advice

    Yeah, my allo friends think my relationship advice is amazing. But the secret is that every bit of advice I give them would work exactly the same in any other encounter, whether it's a friendship, a family relationship, or ordering your coffee at Starbucks. My advice is just "how to communicate with other humans 101". But the allos don't know that, and it blows their minds every time. Shh! Don't let them know our secret that we actually don't know shit about romance!
  15. I don't think I'm demiro, but I guess I'm a romance-positive aro? Maybe I'm very slightly off from aro towards demiro? Honestly I'm still pretty confused. Either way, I've been in a bunch of romantic relationships and wasn't miserable in some of them, and I even miss one in particular sometimes. The ways I prefer intimacy sure look like at least parts of romance to alloromantics, so I've been able to date, even if I don't really see things the same way they do. Maybe tell her what you do want to try. Honestly, there's no reason why you have to do a traditional romantic relationship or anything. Try something different. Look at polyamory for different relationship models that don't follow our cultural scripts. Or maybe just keep your relationship the way it is and try modifying a few of your boundaries here and there. Just talk about it and figure out what works best for you both. Don't be afraid to discuss details at length. Talk about what you're both repulsed by. Make an exhaustive list of things to avoid. Open and honest communication is key. The best part of being queer is that you don't have to act like straight people. Build the relationship you both want. The romantic relationship that worked best for me was with a Marxist feminist who thought most of romance was patriarchal capitalist bullshit, so she wanted to have extensive discussions about how to deconstruct the cultural scripts and do things differently and deliberately. We talked a lot in excruciating detail about exactly what we both wanted. My aromantic feelings and her ideological goals went pretty well together. We had some pretty good times once we realized we could make our relationship whatever we wanted it to be.
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