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About Eklinaar

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  1. Eklinaar

    Giving Allo Friends Advice

    Yeah, my allo friends think my relationship advice is amazing. But the secret is that every bit of advice I give them would work exactly the same in any other encounter, whether it's a friendship, a family relationship, or ordering your coffee at Starbucks. My advice is just "how to communicate with other humans 101". But the allos don't know that, and it blows their minds every time. Shh! Don't let them know our secret that we actually don't know shit about romance!
  2. I don't think I'm demiro, but I guess I'm a romance-positive aro? Maybe I'm very slightly off from aro towards demiro? Honestly I'm still pretty confused. Either way, I've been in a bunch of romantic relationships and wasn't miserable in some of them, and I even miss one in particular sometimes. The ways I prefer intimacy sure look like at least parts of romance to alloromantics, so I've been able to date, even if I don't really see things the same way they do. Maybe tell her what you do want to try. Honestly, there's no reason why you have to do a traditional romantic relationship or anything. Try something different. Look at polyamory for different relationship models that don't follow our cultural scripts. Or maybe just keep your relationship the way it is and try modifying a few of your boundaries here and there. Just talk about it and figure out what works best for you both. Don't be afraid to discuss details at length. Talk about what you're both repulsed by. Make an exhaustive list of things to avoid. Open and honest communication is key. The best part of being queer is that you don't have to act like straight people. Build the relationship you both want. The romantic relationship that worked best for me was with a Marxist feminist who thought most of romance was patriarchal capitalist bullshit, so she wanted to have extensive discussions about how to deconstruct the cultural scripts and do things differently and deliberately. We talked a lot in excruciating detail about exactly what we both wanted. My aromantic feelings and her ideological goals went pretty well together. We had some pretty good times once we realized we could make our relationship whatever we wanted it to be.
  3. Hey, I noticed you haven't posted anything in a while.  I hope everything's okay.

    1. Ice Queen

      Ice Queen

      Hello, I'm fine, don't worry! ^_^ It's just that I've been busy working on my diploma project in order to get my bachelor's degree :-s. The presentation is due in June. x_x

    2. Eklinaar


      I'm glad you're okay.  Good luck with your project!

    3. Ice Queen

      Ice Queen

      Thank you ^_^. 


  4. Eklinaar

    BDSM aro relationships

    Do you have experience with BDSM relationships? If not, I'd recommend asking for advice in that community, because there are specific issues of consent and communication there that a lot of us probably don't know much about. As for the aro side of that, I'd suggest just be direct. That seems to be what most aros prefer. If the person isn't aro... good luck. I know some allos do non-romantic kink relationships, and all the kinky people I've met would tell me that kink relationships aren't inherently romantic, but literally all of them were in romantic kink relationships.
  5. I rejected the label "heterosexual" a long time ago, but hopefully I can still offer you something helpful from my experience. I'm also glad to answer any questions you have. I've had several emotionally intimate sexual relationships and I'm willing to talk about them if that's helpful. I totally understand what you're saying about being way more interested in someone's personality than their appearance. That's how I am. I'm probably demisexual because I pretty much only ever feel sexually attracted to people after I've known them for a while. Very rarely I might meet a stranger and find them sexually attractive before I get to know them, but that is usually a very fleeting feeling. What you said about connecting that thinking someone is really cool and interesting with being interested in sex is what I usually feel. I might describe it something like "This person is so cool and I want to be their friend! Also I think having sex with them would be fun and intimate, but no big deal if they aren't interested." For me, almost every case I can remember of feeling strong sexual interest in a particular person was when we were in a committed relationship. I knew they wanted me, and we had bonded emotionally, and I knew I liked having sex with them, so I would want to have sex with them more. In this case, I would compare it to what people would normally describe as sexual hunger, but the rest of my attraction I wouldn't describe that way. There have been a few cases where I felt sexual desire towards someone I wasn't close to emotionally, but I almost never acted on it. I also feel a general desire to have sex that isn't tied to any particular person, but I rarely act on that, either. I often don't feel comfortable acting sexually until I've already formed an emotional bond. Probably the most fascinating thing to me is that I usually find someone's body far more sexually attractive during or right after we've had sex. Sexual or aesthetic attraction to someone's body is not something I feel all that strongly, except in those moments. The rest of the time, when I think about being attracted to them, it's usually about their personality or the emotional bond we have, which doesn't really feel any different from how I feel about my close friends.
  6. Eklinaar

    New aro here

    Welcome! You aren't the first person here from France! Hopefully they will say hi. I understand a lot of what you're saying. I have strong feelings for people sometimes and I wonder if they are crushes, but they are so rare and don't seem like they are nearly as strong as what others feel. But I convinced myself they were crushes because I thought I needed to date. It's cool that you think about having kids! A lot of aromantics don't. Is that something you want to do? Or now that you know you're aromantic, do you not want to? I have always wondered what aromantic parents would be like.
  7. Welcome!

  8. Eklinaar

    Liking proximity without touch

    I don't experience this specifically but it makes a lot of sense to me. I'm sure you aren't the only aro who feels this way. Closeness to people you trust is compelling.
  9. Eklinaar

    What do you like most about yourself?

    I like that people I care about say my presence in their life helps them grow.
  10. Eklinaar

    Denial, Depression and Aromanticsm

    Yeah, like Abster said, it's different for everyone, but I have heard people in this community describe experiences like yours. While my experience of intimacy sounds different from yours, I certainly can relate to chronic depression and long term denial due to having a different experience from everyone around me. I thought I was somehow broken or some kind of freak well into my 30s because I had never met people who were nonbinary or aromantic, and I was in denial about being those things, myself. Depression and anxiety are, unfortunately, pretty common among aromantics. You aren't alone here. Stick around and hopefully we can show you that you have a place in our community.
  11. Eklinaar

    Intersectionality with aromanticism

    Holy shit, mood I didn't even know I had.
  12. Eklinaar

    Intersectionality with aromanticism

    I'm also a minimalist, and those values have been a driving force in my adult life. I had never considered that it had overlap with aromanticism. That's certainly something I need to think about now. One of the biggest things that turns me off to romantic coupling where I live is how it's so tied with buying a gigantic house and spending excessive amounts of money together. My last apartment was 800 square feet and I thought it was too big, but it was literally the smallest I could find in this city. I've also noticed that a whole lot of us are trans and/or autistic. I'm NB, myself.
  13. Eklinaar

    aromantics in romantic relationships

    I wouldn't say I want a romantic relationship, but I do want physical and emotional intimacy, and for a long time I thought the only way to get that was from a romantic relationship. It's still really hard to find someone willing to be intimate outside a romantic relationship, especially at my age, so I've been in a number of romantic relationships. Most of them were miserable experiences, mainly because my partner would pressure me to do romance-coded or gender-coded things or berate me for not being romantic enough or masculine enough, so those tended to be short-lived. I did have one romantic relationship that was very good. That partner had strong feelings about how harmful it is to pressure people into certain behavior, so she wouldn't do that to me. And while she's alloromantic, she thought a lot of the way romance is structured in our society is bullshit, so she actually liked that I wasn't into it. We communicated really well and we wanted similar things, so we talked a lot about what we both wanted from the relationship and were both able to provide that. It was a really good relationship and sometimes I still miss being with her, which I can't say about anyone else I dated. I was at a point in my life where I probably would have given up on having romantic relationships and on having intimacy in general if that relationship had gone poorly. All my intimate relationships since then have gone poorly, but I know it's at least possible for me to have an intimate relationship that works. I'd prefer not to have another romantic relationship and build some different kind of intimate relationship, but if someone like her who actually listened to my experiences wanted one, I'd at least consider it.
  14. Eklinaar

    Aromantic Confessions

    Yeah, I get this a lot, too, so much that I got voluntold to start a discussion group about it. I've been running that discussion group for almost 4 years now.
  15. Eklinaar

    How to find companionship for life?

    This is a tough one. I don't have an answer, and I wish I did. I also want committed companionship, but romance feels stifling or just bizarre to me. Most of my friends are married, too, and they don't make time for friendship any more. The few friends who are single are devoted to their careers and/or pursuit of romance. Finding people where I live who are open-minded about sexuality, identity, and lifestyle is somewhat common, but they still are not open-minded about romantic/aromantic needs. Ideally, I would be with someone who is independent and wanted a balance of doing things together and doing things alone, but still liked to cuddle and have sex a lot, and share food. I don't need monogamy, but I do like loyalty and devotion. Emotional intimacy and trust is something I crave. I tried online dating for a couple years and it was awful. Everyone just wants romance or casual sex, and I don't like either of those. I mostly get jealous of my friends who aren't lonely. I don't want the lives they have, I just don't want to be lonely. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you. If I did, I'd be doing it, too. Making friends here has been a good experience for me, at least. There are some needs this community can't fulfill, but they are great, and they help, and I'm doing better now that I've found this place.