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aro_elise

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Everything posted by aro_elise

  1. aro_elise

    Hey, I'm new

    hey, that's my name, too! and i also discovered i'm aro at 17 (i'm 20). welcome 😊
  2. interesting topic, and @eatingcroutons, i totally agree. not worrying about centering my goals around other people (spouse/kids) or even accommodating their schedules means my goals are whatever and whenever i want. i don't even have to know what they are; there are fewer consequences of sudden decisions. and i like that because i hate feeling stuck. i don't want to know exactly what my life will be like in 50 years, or 10, or 1. i mean, there are things i want, but it's not like i can't be fully happy until i have certain things. like, people will get stressed about finding their soul mate and starting a family by a certain age (which i think is dumb in any case--most of my mom's friends were married with kids when she (30) met my dad (29), and they had me at 38, so what?), their whole lives will revolve around these things, and they'll consider the time they spent without them to be, like, just leading up to them. i don't want to count my days away like that. and there are no "right choices," certainly not for the population as a whole but not even individually--the universe hasn't already decided how it will reward or punish you for certain choices; you decide your own fate and 'the universe' adapts. the most minuscule action can change your life in ways you couldn't imagine; you couldn't carry out a plan perfectly if you wanted to, and sticking stubbornly to it would only hold you back from opportunities. like "oh, i can't do that, it's not part of my plan". fuck that, it is now! it's a journey, not a destination, right? yeah, i'm definitely happy about that.
  3. it's aromantic awareness week!Β :aropride:

  4. aro_elise

    self love

    This has been on my mind lately. Settle in. So basically, I'm very self-centred and very confident, and I love myself deeply. I'd like to distinguish myself from people with narcissistic personality disorder or tendencies, who actually rely heavily on other people to "prove" their "superiority"; they tend to be quite manipulative, sometimes abusive (though of course anyone can be). I know I'm great and I don't care what others think, just as I would hope they wouldn't need my opinion in order to feel good about themselves. Also, I don't think I'm better than everyone else, though I certainly continually strive to be a better version of myself. I'm simply focused on myself. Now let me distinguish this from selfishness and unkindness. I actually consider myself to be empathetic, compassionate, and generous (some of my many good qualities πŸ˜‰) and I think that makes sense--I want everyone to have and do what's right for them and their happiness, as long as it's not hurting anyone. Surely I'll focus more on my own choices because, well, they're mine, and again, I would hope everyone would do the same. Now I'd like to talk about how others react to this. I can't think of a time when I didn't love myself; I've had few insecurities and those I had were due not to my own innate feelings but to other people projecting them onto me. For example, my mom used to pick on me for basically every quality I had which she didn't. My introversion, my disorganization, certain values, what have you. I was young and she convinced me I was wrong, that I needed to change or hide these things. It's clear that she's afraid of judgment, unpopularity, and nonconformity. I'm in fashion design and she asks me whether I like certain of her clothes, and I say "Not really (I very rarely admire anyone's outfit), but so what? I'm not wearing them. Most people probably don't like my style, but they're not wearing it, so do I care?" An ex-friend in high school said behind my back (as reported by another friend) that she thought I had "no fashion sense" and I was like "Ok? Right back at her, like, what's her point?" But while that didn't bother me, another reported comment did: that I "think I'm the shit". When I heard that--I hadn't realized I'd given that impression--my first instinct was to object, to find examples of things I disliked about myself to prove her wrong. Why? It's like, we're told to love ourselves, right, but, oh, not too much! Like when we actually do, we're shamed, criticized, labelled 'arrogant'. I now see that people like her are just insecure and jealous of others' self-confidence and so they try to bring them down , even if not directly--she was even too timid to say it to my face. Now, to the claim that I think I'm the shit, I would say "I sure do!" It's interesting, though, like when people put down their own appearance, one is expected to join in, but I won't, because I know I'm beautiful. Being unapologetic is revolutionary. We talked about this in my Philosophy of Beauty class today, how we're expected to be insecure, especially if we don't resemble beauty ideals. A fat woman can post a photo showing her body and people will applaud her "bravery," implying they wouldn't expect her to be comfortable doing that and she must be doing it to make some statement. Like nah, she's just having a good time at the beach, she knows she looks good, get over it. I actually contributed to the discussion, saying "I consider myself very confident, I think I'm very pretty, I've been called arrogant, I'm just calling it like I see it,"--one of the girls presenting said "I think you are too", but I kind of felt the energy in the room, which I interpreted as surprise that I would freely admit that, despite that we'd just seen two presentations touching on the rejection of aspiration to conformity to beauty standards ("we should accept our own beauty and individuality!") This is what I mean. It's one thing to love yourself; it's another to embrace your love for yourself. I've been in both positions and I can tell you this one is so much better. Now, you know I have to tie it in--I don't think this is because I'm aro but I do think it's relevant. I mean, I'm sure we've all had a moment (early on, I hope) when we worried about not loving someone, and I'm sure even and perhaps especially allos worry about others not loving them (romantically). We can include difficulty making friends in this list of concerns. And it occurred to me that this must lead many people to the conclusion that there will be no love in their life. And I thought, I'm so glad I know even if I have no one but myself, I'll always be giving and receiving love. And I also think (and I've said this on here) that the more you love yourself, the easier it is to share love. You can't pour from an empty cup, and if you have self-esteem issues you need a therapist, not a partner. I wondered what you guys have to say on this topic. Do you love yourself and embrace that love? Has your aromanticism influenced or been influenced by this? Other thoughts?
  5. he's brilliant, i've seen like 20 of his. my favourite is dial m for murder. i also love rear window and shadow of a doubt.
  6. this is the latest tea: shakespeare was aromantic. don't @ me πŸ˜„
  7. i might be going to a seminar on platonic affection and love languages!Β  i just saw it on fb.Β  in the description they didn't mention aromanticism but they did mention amatonormativity; it sounds cool.

    1. NullVector

      NullVector

      That does sound cool. You should report back to us re.Β what gets discussed if you do go!Β :)

    2. NotHeartless

      NotHeartless

      I'd love to hear how it was, too. Sounds great, if you go: have fun!

    3. Anything_but_allo

      Anything_but_allo

      Awesome! Hope it goes well :D

  8. i've talked about my favourite aro headcanon of all time: piper from rick riordan's 'heroes of olympus' series, followed by luna from 'harry potter' as aro/ace. also arospec: the title character in jane austen's 'emma,' rosa from 'brooklyn nine-nine,' joey from 'friends,' dean from 'supernatural,' and barney and robin from 'how i met your mother'. i'm sure i'm forgetting some, i pretty much find an hc in every book/show. i have some from the old movies i watch but i figure you wouldn't know them.
  9. aro_elise

    Aromantic QPR compatibility checklist

    nice. and poly-inclusive!
  10. aro_elise

    self love

    yeah, i mean i guess in the same way i don't depend on others for my feelings of self-worth or confidence or whatever, i don't depend on them for happiness or success. we know those are two things ~society~ believes come from romantic relationships and starting families. i'd be happiest living with my best friend, but i'd also be very happy living alone (and i'm not in either situation...no shade on my roommate tho). but yeah, i never understood those people who seem to have to be with someone all the time--not just in terms of never being single for longer than a week, but people who are always running around with some gaggle of friends or another. again, i love my friends, but--and this is partly my introversion--don't you need time to yourself sometimes? and like, that's gonna make for a difficult life. i went on two intercontinental trips alone at the age of 19 and there are people that old who can't even seem to go to the school bathroom alone. and you hear about people much older than me who are like "i can't cook/do laundry/manage my money/make appointments, etc., idk what i'd do without my partner, haha" and i'm thinking 'it's not funny, you're an adult, get it together, use google if you have to!' i couldn't be in any sort of relationship with someone so incompetent and needy--especially not someone so complacent in their incompetence--just as i couldn't be in one with someone who always needed my validation or praise. that's not healthy. i guess what with this, and wanting a lifelong career and no marriage or kids, i'm a real ~modern independent woman~ πŸ˜„ i'm not trying to rebel against gender norms for the sake of it (being a housewife is just as valid if that's what you want); i'm just trying to live my life on my own terms and create my own happiness.
  11. aro_elise

    self love

    trust, yeah, i'd say i trust myself to do my best and to forgive myself when i think i could have been better. i don't know what's going to come my way, could be a low point with mental illness, could be a test of my character, could be failure, loss...and i may slip up or let myself down but at least i'm holding myself to my own standards instead of trying to impress others. if someone you loved was struggling with something difficult, you'd support them and believe in them, if they weren't getting through it very well, you'd be patient and gentle, and if they were, you'd be proud, right? treat yourself the same way. as to this, same thing. certainly one could ask "would you want to be friends with someone like yourself?" to which i'd answer "yes; i'm authentic, creative, easygoing, smart, fun, and ambitious, and i have cool interests." and that's part of it. side note: when you answer this question, essentially "what do you like about yourself?", if it's all ways you can serve others--i.e. "i'm generous, helpful, dependable, a good listener," etc.--or if that's what your friends say they like about you...just think about that. do you love others for what you can gain from them or for who they are? yes, it's important that you also ask "would you be friends with someone who treated you like you treat yourself?" my answer is "yes, as i treat myself with respect, devotion, care, and love." you know the phrase 'treat others how you want to be treated'? i would agree, don't get me wrong, but i would certainly add that you should also treat yourself how you want to be treated by others. because again, then even if others don't, you're still being treated that way. besides, adding to my earlier point about not being able to give love if you don't have it for yourself, i think it would then also be difficult to receive. like, if you don't have, say, respect for yourself, you don't believe you deserve it, how can you believe someone who contradicts you? you know, people who have no sense of self-worth are the easiest to take advantage of, especially if you don't even have to make them feel that way (because they already do). this is how you get people in unhealthy relationships--mostly romantic--thinking it's better than not being in one at all. i can't imagine depending on others for everything, feeling like if i don't get certain things out of them i have nothing. believing i am nothing. the more i think about this whole topic, the more vital it seems. to lack self-love is to do yourself a great disservice. maybe it's easier said than done, but do try.
  12. you guys absolutely said it! since my first and only romantic relationship ended (actually, pretty much since it began, lol), i haven't desired another one. even before it, before i started questioning being aro, i never explicitly thought i'd like to be in one, i just kind of assumed eventually i would be, and it would be good, but i didn't think much about it. also, I felt this: yeah. but i do want other types of relationships. i'm not in a big rush or anything but i would like to have a sexual relationship (without going into detail, i was just in such a weird place with my ex that it made everything complicated). now, i could have my pick, but i'm picky, and even if i found someone i was attracted to and it was mutual and we were comfortable and everything, i'd always be afraid he was or would become romantically attracted to me and that would make me uncomfortable. same thing with qprs. it's like, if i were with someone who likes girls, i'd be uncomfortable, and if i were with someone who doesn't, they'd probably be uncomfortable or wouldn't want the qpr the first place. i've thought about asking my straight female best friend of 14 years about calling our relationship that, but i realize what we call it shouldn't change anything. i love her so much and i know she feels the same way and i'm so lucky. we might actually be living together in a couple years. it's just that she's never dated, and i know eventually she will, and will most likely get married, and i'm ashamed to feel this way because i know she's not like this, but i'm scared she'll have less time or even less love for me. i'm not suggesting i don't want her to love other people, or even that i won't; i just want to be with her for the rest of my life. she'll always be the most important person in my life--i'm not fond of hierarchy, i just can't imagine this not being the case--and the idea that it won't be mutual is a very difficult one. i do want (and have) other friends too, in fact my most common 'relationship daydreams' are about a small group of friends with whom i have a lot in common and can just talk, hang out, go on little adventures, and be there for each other. oh man, i've talked about this before, but most friends, at least most of mine, are not reliable; they'll rarely commit to getting together, and even if they do, they'll flake out. i miss my high school friends. they're so great but i rarely see them either, which is more understandable because of the distance, but i'd travel 10 hours to see them and they can't go 1? again, this is me: i actually think the #1 thing which would make me happier overall is friendship like i conceptualized above, like i'd rather have that than any sort of partner or anything else i can think of. i absolutely love spending time in solitude, and i just started a topic about my self-love, saying that even if i never had anyone but myself i would always be giving and receiving love, but i do like to share love and life with others, and i do sometimes desire relationships--even ones which would surely be disastrous--just to spice things up, i guess. what else? shipping. i've contributed to the shipping thread, but to sum up, i do like it, in the same way i would like relationships for myself. i don't ship romantically, and i do experience romance repulsion in response to fiction as well as real life. many times i've gone to read something which appeared as though there would be no romance, but there was. i have read a couple aro stories, one of which has stuck with me. but i have to admit, probably my favourite fic ever was 513k words (i usually go under 5k) and one of the main plot points was a romantic relationship. it was just really beautifully written. final thought: That's what I find repulsive about romance. It just makes no sense that anyone would want to be treated in such as way. yup. i'm also poly, and as i said, non-hierarchical, so i have like a double objection to amatonormativity. and i'm a feminist (intersectional/egalitarian; terfs suck) and i've seen/heard of men and women in borderline abusive relationships and many don't even seem to realize it. so yeah, i definitely think we're better off in many ways, but this struggle with different types of relationships is for sure one of the great challenges of being aro.
  13. aro_elise

    self love

    thanks for your replies. i have depression, myself, i've self-harmed, and i've wanted to stop living (even at my worst i didn't consider suicide, i just wished to fade out of existence), but none of it is/ever was because i was unhappy with myself, or even really with my life, i'm just sad. but i have realized that there are two big things keeping me alive, at least, and happy, at best. one is hope, and the other is self-love. i hear of so many people with mental illness who don't have these things and i think it must make it so hard. @NotHeartless you said other people's romantic interest in you didn't change your self-hate, and @bananaslug it was interesting to see that it actually lowers your self-confidence, and i do agree it's disappointing that people think our appearance should be related to our relationship status. i'm also naturally conventionally attractive, but my style is alternative--not related to my aromanticism or self-esteem at all, just my self-expression, so with my dark makeup and clothes and stuff i'm actually farther away from convention (which i like) and therefore conventional beauty (which i don't care about). not to be too edgy but if i presented like a normie i'd be quite uncomfortable. when i do go out in sweats and no makeup i want to be like "don't get the wrong idea!" still pretty, but not me. like you said when people perceive you as romantic and sexual. anyway, as i say, i think this kind of thing can definitely be true even for allos who don't love themselves but want someone else to--it's something they have to work on themselves. in class we also discussed how physical appearance is pretty much the basis for sexual attraction (i can agree with that), so if people feel unattractive, they feel undesirable and unlovable--can't relate because i don't see how sex and love are related, and again, i'm not upset if people aren't sexually attracted to me because i don't base my opinion of myself on others'. my beauty and value are not connected and are certainly not diminished if i'm not having sex or dating (which i'm not). you'll even see people get together with whomever asks because they're just glad someone did. very sad. in fact, i think this can be applied much more broadly--in a different class, we saw a documentary and a panel which included some models and former models, many of whom spoke about trying to achieve the size 0 beauty standard, developing eating disorders, being constantly self-critical, etc., and when they were at the height of their careers (and their smallest size), they were actually at their lowest points in terms of mental and physical health and self-esteem. it goes to show that if what you think you want doesn't come from a place of self-acceptance and striving for personal growth, not only will it be near-impossible to achieve, but even if you do, it won't make you happy. some of the models left the industry, some continued while embracing their natural body type, and all are happy. and again you're right: we live with ourselves constantly and forever, no matter who sees us go through stuff or even goes through it with us, only we experience it for ourselves. only we know completely our mind, heart, and soul. no one can know us as well as we know ourselves, and so i believe no one can love us as well as we can love ourselves. so we might as well.
  14. Oh, that's great! I'm looking for a new one, myself. πŸ’š
  15. You gotta tell her, before it goes too far. Trust me, you'll both be hurt less in the long run if you do. You don't have to tell her you're aro but communicate your mistake. And don't feel badly, we've all been in some situations. Additionally, I would suggest talking to someone else, ideally a mental health professional, about any issues you may be having. Again, speaking from experience, it helps. Not that you shouldn't lean on your friends for support (and support them) but you can't depend on them to be your therapist. That's not the purpose of friendship. I don't mean for this to sound harsh; I just want you and your friend to be able to maintain a healthy relationship and for you both to be happy. Good luck.
  16. ok idk whether this has been mentioned but have you guys seen bojack horseman? there's an ace character and the representation is really good (in my allo opinion) and i was like, nice, but then! they said the word aromantic! boi, i paused that real quick and screamed. i wasn't expecting to hear that on tv in my lifetime. and they brought it up again in a later episode and it just made me so happy. also the show has some real talk about lots of stuff, i recommend it.
  17. aro_elise

    bojack horseman

    yeah, i generally prefer much older tv and film (40s-70s-ish); some of my favourite sitcoms are 'i love lucy' (#1 always), 'the mary tyler moore show', and 'the bob newhart show'. this is mainly because i find them more tasteful and genuinely funny--likewise, other genres need nothing but the talent of the writers, directors, actors, etc.--while modern media in general relies too heavily on crude humour, over-the-top effects, and other shock factor-like stuff which doesn't impress me at all. all this to say, if a modern piece is to hold my attention, it must have something special to offer. for instance, in 'friends': the petty drama drives me crazy and the casual bigotry far exceeds that in the decades-older shows i named, however i rewatch it because there are some really funny scenes/lines, 90% of which are chandler's. on the other hand, 'brooklyn nine-nine' isn't the kind of thing i'd normally watch and some of the humour leaves much to be desired, but the representation of various minorities is great and i can't think of a single thing i found problematic--it's full of good people and healthy relationships, or the bad ones are purposely portrayed negatively. 'bojack horseman' was quite similar in that respect. i probably won't watch it again but i did appreciate parts of it.
  18. aro_elise

    Giving yourself up for romance

    that's truly wild. i would have been like "what are your hobbies, interests, career goals? what's going on at school/work? any fun parties, travels, read any good books? what did you do last summer? how's your health? tell me about your friends and family!" like these people must be doing something with their life besides sitting around hoping for someone to come their way and ask them out. you'd think.
  19. aro_elise

    Help? I'm confused?

    hi! it does seem clear that you're ace, but whether the attraction you feel is romantic, platonic, or both/in between/something else is not something i can assess. for some people, using the term 'queerplatonic' is enough to indicate that their attraction and/or desired relationships are not romantic, but are beyond "regular" platonic attraction, such as one (aro or not) might have towards any number of friends. others like to identify different types of attraction besides romantic, sexual, and platonic. these can include: -sensual attraction: a desire to engage in activities mostly involving touch, such as cuddling, kissing, holding hands, etc. for many, this can be a part of romantic and/or sexual attraction (like if i want to have sex with someone i also want to kiss them, and i don't want to do the other things because i consider them romantic), but for others it's separate. -aesthetic attraction: based on a person's appearance--you find them attractive, beautiful, handsome, etc. again, may or may not be related to other types of attraction. if i'm sexually attracted to a man i'm also aesthetically attracted to him, but i can appreciate the beauty of someone of any gender without any desire attached, just as i can appreciate the beauty of nature, for instance. often, straight people hesitate to acknowledge that someone of their gender is good-looking, but it doesn't necessarily mean anything about their orientation at all. -alterous attraction: a desire for emotional closeness without being entirely platonic or romantic. i don't personally identify with this one; i prefer to use 'queerplatonic'. so let's say you felt one or more of these types of attraction towards girls. you might decide to identify as homosensual or homoalterous. in such a case, you could identify as aroace as well as lesbian. or you could just be aroace lesbian without specifying further. personally, my labels only reflect my romantic and sexual orientations--i identify as aromantic and heterosexual. i could conceivably identify as panplatonic, biaesthetic, and so on, but i don't consider those to be orientations; more like general feelings. however, it's totally up to you how you want to label yourself, and equally fine if you don't want to at all. i use the split attraction model in terms of the two aspects i see in my orientation, but some identify more than two (and of course most people's match, so they only use one label, for example, many homosexual homoromantic people simply identify as gay.) just take your time and do what feels right. i hope this wasn't too confusing; this is over three years' worth of aro knowledge and experience. others will have slightly different definitions and quite various experiences.
  20. aro_elise

    Giving yourself up for romance

    i totally agree! it bothers me so much. people say a good relationship requires compromise, but i say two or more people who are compatible and who love and respect each other shouldn't need to totally change themselves or give up major life goals. if you need someone to do that, you're not compatible, you don't love them for who they are, you don't respect them, and you don't deserve them. and if you feel the need to do that for a partner, you don't respect yourself. rather than "if you love them enough you'll do anything," i say if you love yourself enough, you won't. you have to love and respect yourself before you even think about loving someone else. plus, shouldn't you have talked about this stuff in advance? like your feelings about having kids and careers, what would happen if one of you needed to relocate, etc. it's the same thing with fighting. people say fights are a normal, healthy part of relationships, and i'm not saying you'll never disagree or you shouldn't express your feelings, not at all--i'm saying: 1) if you can't seem to agree on anything and you're always driving each other crazy, then again, you're probably not compatible, and 2) when issues do arise, you shouldn't fight; you should have a mature, respectful, and open conversation. my best friend and i have been friends for 14 years and we've never fought. but you know, allos don't think about this stuff the same way in terms of non-romantic relationships. we've all seen people ditch close friends of many years for a romantic partner of a couple weeks. they do this crazy stuff for people they barely know, and who will probably not be in their life for very long (but either way it's rude and bizarre), because this is the thing: to them, romantic love/relationships are more important than anything. it's this whole 'other half/significant other' thing--if you don't even think of yourself as a complete, significant person without a romantic partner, it makes sense that you'd abandon not only everyone else in your life for them but yourself as well. if you don't have a strong sense of self, it's not like you're actually leaving much behind. you know? imagine feeling that way. i can't. it's sad, really.
  21. aro_elise

    What Are Your Favorite LGBT+ YouTube Channels?

    i agree. you've probably seen her video about why she's single, which since she made it before she came out does not include the reason that she's aro. i actually related to what she said in it too, which i'm sure isn't a coincidence but i thought she made some good points without actually mentioning aromanticism. and i do like some of her other videos.
  22. aro_elise

    How do i know if i'm aro?

    i'll say the same thing i always do: if you think 'how can i know i don't experience romantic attraction if i don't know what it is?' (like @Divinidia said), that in itself should be a pretty good indicator. if you'd felt it, you'd probably know. how many allos (non-aros) do you think wonder whether what they're feeling is actually romantic attraction (and it is)? maybe a couple. and maybe you're one of them, i can't decide that for you, but as someone who's identified as aro for over 3 years i can relate to what you said. you don't have to choose a label now or ever, and if you do choose one and later find it doesn't fit, that's totally fine too. i understand it's nice to feel like you understand yourself and have a community of people who understand you, and i hope looking at some of the conversations on here will help with that.
  23. aro_elise

    Does aromanticism affect appearance?

    i wear lots of makeup and i care about my style, which i think is mostly due to being in fashion design, but you might have a point about the sexuality thing. i occasionally find myself hoping to look hot, by which i guess i mean sexually attractive. i don't think there would be a huge difference in how i looked if i were ace, since my style is mostly about self-expression and aesthetics, but perhaps a small difference. and i can't be sure but i don't think being alloromantic would change anything.
  24. aro_elise

    At what temperature do you like to take your showers?

    depends how warm i am. usually cool in summer or after exercise, warm the rest of the time. not hot or cold.
  25. aro_elise

    What Are Your Favorite LGBT+ YouTube Channels?

    I like Parker J, he's trans; I actually started watching before he came out. I watched a bit of Connie Glynn because she's aro (and bisexual) but she doesn't talk about it much. I've seen some of Ash's stuff, they're pretty good.
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