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Everything posted by aro_elise

  1. same, 'cause they supposedly go together, right, so i was like 'ok i guess that's what's going on.' though it helped (if confusion is helpful) if i also liked them platonically, like i thought finding someone hot was the difference between wanting to be their friend and wanting to date them. not that i consciously thought about it much before discovering aromanticism.
  2. welcome! that group sounds like fun, i'd go if there were one where i live.
  3. same, i love their friendship. i already have an amazing best friend but yeah, they're great together. and i know i've said this but dan is my #1 celeb squish. i'd go allo for him 😆 jokes, i just love him a lot
  4. surely romantic attraction's been around--can you manufacture a feeling?--but it wasn't a big thing. like these days the feeling exists but the hype/amatonormativity is what makes it such a big deal. like people are thinking about it and actively looking to date or find their soulmate or whatever, so there are more chances for romantic attraction to occur, i guess. back then they had the feeling but not the hype. although it is interesting that there's an ancient greek myth (mentioned in plato's symposium) which basically says we were all born as these creatures with 4 legs and stuff and those split apart into two people, and the other person is your soulmate (literal other half). that was not a pro explanation but i believe that's the gist.
  5. @DeltaV i love hitchcock movies, i've seen like 20! my favourite is dial m for murder.
  6. i like that; i'm heterosexual but i'd feel equally uncomfortable being romantic with any gender. and it may be a good way for allos to conceptualize it. i'm also a big fan of close friendship, but wouldn't marry anyone. and what i thought were crushes (on guys) in the past were actually squishes (sometimes with sexual attraction). the funny thing is, i get squishes on girls too but i never mistook them for crushes; i just thought they were cool/i wanted to be their friend, and i was right. i just didn't make the connection in terms of my attraction to guys. anyway, welcome!
  7. i have dysthymia too, i usually just say depression because it is a type of it and most people will understand better. but yeah, that storyline...yikes. it's also romanticized in the sense that, like, the mentally ill character (usually depressed or alcoholic, in the 1930s-60s movies i watch) is seen as mysterious and melancholy and intriguing--the other character sees it as a sort of challenge to uncover their secrets and fix them. like no, you want intrigue? read a mystery novel. want a project? clean your house. i feel like it's similar to how aros are seen, like "oh, they're cold, probably afraid of falling in love, but i can get them to open up and trust me--" stop. want a challenge? run a marathon. i am not something to be overcome by someone who wants me but not the way i am. getting off-topic but i mean to say that it supposedly works both ways--the depressed/aro character gets "cured" and the other one gets entertainment and achievement. and it leads to people thinking like that in real life.
  8. at 20 i'm in shorts, a t-shirt, and flip-flops and i'm comfortable, at 25 i'm uncomfortable and lethargic but will still go to the beach as long as i don't have to be out of the water for too long, at 30 i'm in my shaded but not air-conditioned cottage/yard, lying down with a cold cloth on my face and a cold drink. i'll sleep with only a sheet, the cloth, and difficulty. if i have to go outside, i will complain and bring lots of sunscreen and water. i once made the mistake of travelling to barcelona in june. to be fair, school doesn't give me much of a window. i'm not sure i've ever experienced 40. at 15 i'm comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt, at 10 i'll add a sweater or light jacket, around 5 or 0 i'll switch it for my winter coat, and in the negatives i'll add a sweater, hat, mittens, and boots and still go for a walk, skate, or ski. i might complain at -10 or -15, and prefer to be inside with a fire and tea. it rarely reaches -20. i'd take the -5, i've never experienced -30. quebec's nice btw. good skiing, unlike ontario. winter is my favourite season so it's usually between 5 and -15 but it's easier not to wear outerwear so like 10 to 20. i picked 15 and less.
  9. i am always hesitant to come out, but the alternative feels kind of dishonest, like i could just say i'm straight and single at the moment, but then also what will they ask next, like when was i last in a relationship? over 3 years ago? hmm... and like with my more long-term therapists i've felt like it's pretty important to share, if nothing else then so that if they are disrespectful or whatever, i can address it or find someone else. i know, i'd think they should be more worried about people like that. yeah, i'm not ace-spec or opposed to hook-ups in the future but for now i want it to be someone i know better, but yeah if they were romantically attracted to me i'd be uncomfortable, ahhh idk. i'm just playing it by ear, as in, like, doing nothing.
  10. i had a psychiatric assessment yesterday (recently had a bit of a mental health crisis, not important), so there was a social worker who did most of the talking, a psychiatrist whose purpose was supposedly just to prescribe me an appropriate medication, and a recent grad who was just observing. anyway, at one point they asked my sexual orientation and whether i was in a relationship, so i told them, and they had a lot of questions and comments. i had to explain aromanticism and how it's different from asexuality. they asked whether i'd ever been in a relationship so i tried to sum up in a minute what a bad experience it was (just because i'm aro; he was great) and added that "i haven't been in a sexual relationship because then it would have to be sexual and romantic and i...can't do that. but i also don't want to just like...ugh, it's complicated." at this point the psychiatrist interjected by saying that a sexual and romantic relationship is an important part of life and basically implied that it would lessen my depression, when i'd just explained how the opposite was true. i said "i would have to disagree. i'm quite happy with my life the way it is." he said "ok" but was clearly not satisfied. i also found it interesting that despite my having expressed a mild interest in making more friends (but i couldn't be bothered), they did not agree that that would improve my life. i wonder whether they would have made such a big deal about me being single if i weren't aro, like if i just didn't happen to be dating at the moment. i told my dad afterwards and he was surprised and disappointed that they reacted like that; i was disappointed but not surprised. i told him "everyone says that. i'm used to it." (most of the mental health professionals i've seen, i mean, but obviously people in general too.) he said "that's like telling an asexual: 'go have some sex.'" i informed him that people do suggest that, and reflected that "if i'd been asexual, he (the psychiatrist) would have had a wig-out." i added that my aromanticism is "always my least favourite thing to bring up (to health care professionals). they're like, 'so, are you in a relationship?' and i'm like, 'oh, here we go.'" so yeah. i'll be doing a few therapy sessions with the social worker; i hope she'll let me talk about my depression instead of my aromanticism. 🙃
  11. i'm more sure i'm aro than i am about most things in life. when i first found out about it at 16, it seemed to fit but i told myself i couldn't be sure because it might change, especially since i'd never been in a relationship. i tried to put it out of my mind but it was still there. i started dating a friend and told myself i just had to get used to it, but in 8 months i never did. i always felt like i was playing a role for which i hadn't prepared. romantic activity felt unnecessary if not uncomfortable, and our return to friendship was a great relief. and i know you said you've had relationships but you don't even need that to know--as i say, i think i kind of already knew. if you think it might be related to commitment, consider whether that's the case in other types of relationships. my best friend and i have been friends for almost 15 years and i know we will be for the rest of our lives. i love her very much, and i feel that our bond and commitment are stronger than those of people in even what would be considered a fairly long-term romantic relationship, like a few years. i'ts not that i want to make a romantic commitment but am afraid to; it's that i don't want to. and it's not the length or amount of time i would spend with a romantic partner which is the issue; it's the 'romantic' part--i don't want to date someone for a week or even a single date either. i'm also poly, again not because i believe i should limit myself to being attracted to/being in a relationship (qpr or whatever) with one person but can't; but because i don't believe i necessarily should. a lot of that is tied together for me. but of course there are mono aros and poly allos. i do think, though, that relating to the sentiments of other aros and not relating to allos are good indicators when there isn't really a way to "prove it"--it's like, this makes sense.
  12. there is always that decision of whether or not to use the word, and it depends on the situation for me, but mostly i do, because that's what you'd do for any other orientation. like i haven't heard anyone say they're interested in relationships with people of more than one gender; they say they're bi/pan. for us it will usually involve some more explaining but i am generally happy to do that. because that's how i found out about aromanticism, right--i read about it, and if someone hadn't put that out there, who knows how long i would have not known and what that could have led to. so it's good for (questioning) aros as well as allos. but of course whether and how you come out is a personal decision.
  13. cool, glad you like it. 🙂
  14. my friend (possibly ace-spec) asked about different types of attraction and i explained them and QPRs.  😊

  15. i'm also trying to go with the flow--my approach to most things in life. i am fairly interested in having some sort of qpr or friends with benefits relationship, but i'm also quite satisfied with my friendships and my own company. i'm neither actively pursuing nor avoiding anything else. i am polyamorous, but that's along a different axis, like there's mono to poly and then there's amorous to non-amorous, right? it's hard to place myself on this imaginary graph because, for one thing, it depends whether the frame of reference is everyone or just aro-specs. but basically i'd be open to relationships with 0, 1, or more than one person. i don't think amatonormativity is often at fault when an aro-spec person (or anyone) wants certain relationships or affection. whatever we want or don't want is okay, and we don't need to compare it to romance, dating, marriage, or anything else. i think that's what amatonormativity forces us to do: either to define a relationship and then mold it to fit that model, or to establish a relationship and then label it 'appropriately'. like i've thought to myself, 'at what point would i call someone my boyfriend, partner, qpp, etc.?' well, it doesn't matter. i've seen similar stuff in the poly community, where people refer to their different partners using terms like 'primary' and 'secondary,' which has led others to distinguish themselves as 'practicing non-hierarchical polyamory'. i'm not saying labels are all bad--i use them for my orientations--and if they help you understand your relationship that's perfectly fine, but like...don't sweat it. do your thing, take your time.
  16. for sure, i think for me it's that now that i've experienced romance for myself (in a relationship) i know i don't like it, so seeing it kind of gives me, like, secondhand discomfort, whereas before it was all hypothetical and i didn't really feel one way or another about it. or even if you haven't been in a relationship or whatever, just identifying as aro means you're more aware of it. when i read fanfic (or read/watch basically any fiction), i'm constantly (mostly subconsciously) analyzing characters' actions and words, deciding whether i consider them romantic, sexual, or platonic, what the author likely intended them to be, where it could be leading, etc. and elements of romance usually do decrease my enjoyment if not put me off altogether, although i will say that my favourite fic ever had a fairly prominent romantic storyline; the whole thing was just excellent. rare exception. but yeah, i do consider myself romance-repulsed, which wouldn't necessarily have been the case 5 years ago, before i'd even heard the word 'aromantic'.
  17. aro_elise


    that can be frustrating. i talked about my strong platonic love for my best friend and one of my friends said "i think you love her romantically." no. you know your own feelings and you decide how you want to identify. btw, are you familiar with the concept of a 'squish'? sometimes described as a platonic crush, it's a desire for a platonic relationship/friendship with someone. like, i wouldn't use this in reference to just anyone i'd like to be friends with--that would be a lot of people--it's a more significant attraction, i guess. when i have a squish, i often look forward to seeing or talking to them, and i tend to admire something about them, like their personality. i have just a few squishes a year, but some aros may have far more, and some may not experience them at all. i also personally use the term 'aro crush' when i have a squish on someone to whom i'm also sexually attracted. that's not in use in the community or anything, just something i like to use. 😊
  18. wow, there's a lot of discussion around stuff i haven't really thought about. i'd say i'm the second one, where i like to specify my romantic and sexual orientation... like, if someone asked my orientation, a lot of the time i'd say "aromantic heterosexual". aro comes first because i identify more strongly with it, as in, i'm very straight as well as very aro but aromanticism is more significant to me. both labels are perfectly accurate, and both are important but especially aro. (i have no problem with 'heterosexual aromantic' but since i have to say one word before the other, i might as well make a strategic choice. 😄) if we were specifically talking about a certain type of attraction, though, i wouldn't bother to mention my other one, like on here if the question was just where am i on the aro spectrum, i'd say aro, or if an acquaintance asked my sexual orientation i'd probably just say straight. i realize many people use 'sexual orientation' to mean 'orientation as a whole' because for them that's what it is (i may not have phrased that the best way but you know what i mean). and sometimes i just couldn't be bothered to come out, you know, like i don't try to hide anything; it just doesn't always seem important to mention. but if someone knows i'm aro and chooses to call me straight, i will correct them. only one person besides me has my express permission to call me straight. so yeah, it can be a bit less certain in terms of communicating my orientation, but as for how i personally identify, 'aromantic heterosexual' is perfect. i'm not sure i actually answered your question...ok yeah, i think you've basically covered how different people may feel about labeling their orientation, but even within one 'group' not everyone will have the same experience, of course, so i kind of don't think it matters...like you said: to me it's just interesting to hear various people's experiences, which we are doing.
  19. similar thing happened to me in grade 9. i had what i call an aro crush--squish + sexual attraction--on this guy, evan, and my friend sylvia liked him. eventually he asked her out and she said yes, and when she told me rather nervously, i was like, 'that's nice'. then my other friend asked me how i was taking it and i was like, 'uh, fine?' and she said i was a good friend and i'm like, 'thanks, i guess...what's the big deal?' i didn't care because i didn't want to date him. we were friends, like, throughout high school, and it never occurred to me to be upset that he didn't want to be anything else, because i didn't really. they would make out in front of everyone, and any annoyance/weirdness i felt, i would have felt the same about any other such couple. btw they were such a preposterously bad couple, on-and-off multiple times a week, that another friend got sylvia a bracelet where one side said 'single' and one said 'taken' so we'd know what the situation was that day. it was like, kind of a joke but kind of not. anyway, the next year, they were done for good, and a different friend (man, i had more friends in hs than i do now) asked me whether i still liked evan and i said something along the lines of "not like before but i'll ask myself 'ok, do i not like him then?'" and she supplied "and you can't say no," and i said "exactly." in retrospect, what i meant was that i still liked him as a friend and thought he was hot--i couldn't disagree with that--but the aro crush had just petered out; it just wasn't really relevant. but yeah lmao whenever i had squishes on girls, i figured i just thought they were cool/wanted to be their friend, and i was right--i was/am so straight that no alternative crossed my mind (even if i admired their looks)--but then with guys, sometimes it was the same and sometimes there was the added element of sexual attraction, so i never knew where to draw the line, like, do i have a crush on this guy or not? so that was weird. a lot made sense later.
  20. it's definitely hard for alloromantics to understand our experiences without comparison to their own. we may describe a qpr as "like a relationship, but not romantic," or a squish as "like a crush, but not romantic," and they equate "not romantic" to "less than". they see friendship, sexual relationships, or other non-romantic relationships as a step down, so we're kind of backed into a corner when we try to explain their significance to us, and using words like "more," "stronger," or "deeper" just makes them think "closer to romance" (and further contradicts the notion that purely platonic relationships, for instance, can be quite meaningful). they have this idea of a sort of hierarchy of love/relationships, where romance is at the top--often monogamous, lifelong/married, sexual and romantic relationships--this is amatonormativity. so as for other types, like just sexual, just romantic, just platonic/queerplatonic, or the latter in combination with either of the others, is seen as less complete or meaningful, when (aside from the fact that any given relationship could be more so than a traditional romantic one) the point is that they can simply be different. no comparison of value or anything else is necessary. so when i explain my attraction or relationships, i may make comparisons to something they'd understand, but i add that it's a separate thing and that my experiences won't be the same as every other aro/spec person's. for some, a qpr may be between a friendship and a romantic relationship, and/or more important than "regular friendship" and that's ok. everyone should be able to conceptualize and describe their experiences in whatever way works for them. so i guess my best solution is just to emphasize this, and that there's no inherent hierarchy.
  21. What have you seen people using "split attraction model" to mean? What does it mean to you? distinguishing between different types of attraction, usually romantic and sexual. usually because they don't match, and usually because one is a-spec (like me: aromantic heterosexual) but not necessarily (apparently the most common non-matching combination is heteroromantic bisexual), and they could match but feel distinct (i know someone who IDs as "asexual and aromantic"). If somebody says that they use it, what does that mean to you? If somebody says they don't use it, what does that mean to you? if they use it, they want to distinguish their different types of attraction; if not, they don't feel the need to (or don't know about the SAM). i agree with this: i actually talked about romantic vs. sexual attraction to my high school lgbt+ leader (back when i'd just become familiar with the SAM and was questioning about being aro) and she looked confused and said to her they were the same. (???) Do you usually think of "split attraction" correlating with "having more than orientation," or no? generally but not necessarily. Does anybody have a source dating it back prior to 2015? i learned about it in conjunction with aromanticism, which must have been 2014/2015, on my first social media site, google+. good times. Any other thoughts on the dilemmas raised? Does it fill a lexical gap? Does it have multiple meanings? Is it useful? it's useful to me, as understanding that romantic orientation existed and didn't have to match sexual orientation allowed me to realize i'm aro. i've also seen other people describing what sounds like variorientation in confusion, ex. "i like dating everyone but only sleeping with girls--what am i?" i suggest "panromantic homosexual?" and explain the SAM. i don't see any problems. use it if and as you like.
  22. thanks, it's from my tumblr, i made a meme: https://every-reason-shes-fine.tumblr.com/post/183048066134/me-i-want-a-bf-me-to-me-you-know-youll-probably. i know i could have just put this link in a post but i wanted to just have the image in it. oh, well.
  23. it ends with me, too. i'm an only child, my mom's an only child, and my dad has two sisters, one of whom has two kids, so we three are it. i don't feel badly though; i don't owe my parents anything, certainly not something which impacts my life and body in pretty much the most major way imaginable, and theirs in a minor way. even if i had a kid at the age they were when they had me, 38, they would be 76/77. they'd see them every so often for maybe a decade (my mom's family tends to live into their 90s but who knows), while i'd be with them every day for about two (and really the rest of my life), supporting them financially and caring for them on my own (no spouse/partner, right?) while i can't even do either of those for myself. and i don't want to. nothing about having kids appeals to me. there is no way i could endure pregnancy or labour (i couldn't even endure a procedure to prevent those things) and as i say, i don't want the next part, either; i want a fulfilling career, adventure and flexibility, and friends my own age, and yes, i'm confident that will be the case as long as i'm capable of having those things. i think i could be a great parent if i wanted to be (i've been babysitting for 8 years and i seem to be liked by kids and parents), but since i don't want to, i wouldn't be. it wouldn't be fair to me or the kid(s), so no, i'm not putting us all through that to let my parents see them part-time when they already had me full-time, by their choice. this is my choice. and i'll add that i've seen many parents who constantly complain about their kids and can't wait to get away from them--so have my parents, who can't relate--and just about all of them surely wanted those kids in the first place, or thought they did, so if you have any doubts at all, i urge you to give it the most serious consideration. the decision to have kids should require infinitely more of it than the decision not to, and it should be only for your own reasons. yes, as honourable as your intention to give a child a home by adoption may be (i do agree that this is a great option, especially as we don't need any more people in the world), if you're not absolutely willing and prepared to be a parent, it's a disservice to you both.
  24. sorry, i was trying to say when i paste a url it doesn't work. oh, well, thanks anyway.
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