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About aro_elise

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    fashion design student
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  1. so, it's valentine's day

    it's my third v-day as an aro--like, having realized it. it's also kind of the second anniversary of the end of my first and last relationship. on the 13th, my then-bf asked me over text whether i'd be comfortable getting together the next day (i'd come out to him a couple months prior) and i decided that i wouldn't. he asked what i was getting out of the relationship and i admitted not much, but if you guys have been in my position, you surely know how it is--you're confused, maybe trying to make it work when it just doesn't, maybe hesitant to make any decisions when there doesn't seem to be a particular reason to break up...anyway, we had a conversation and basically decided to end it but to talk in person the next day, which we did. it was full of civility and empathy on both our parts, but i went through...quite a time, emotionally, those couple days especially. so that's how my first v-day as an aro went. i'm in a very different place now. i wore my aro pride t-shirt (flag colours in a heart)--probably no one recognized it, but it doesn't matter--and bought champagne for myself and my roommate (also single). wore valentine-y lingerie and pajamas, again, just for myself. it's been a pretty normal day and i'm going to bed early. and i'm happy. i just wanted to share, and to ask you guys how many v-days it's been for you, whether you have any particularly memorable ones, and how this one's been. enjoy your discounted chocolates (tomorrow), non-romantic love, or whatever else you like.
  2. this is totally me except that i'm not ace. we were friends, he was pretty hot, i was questioning (*cough* denying) being aro, i thought dating him was the answer. it was not. in retrospect it was one of the worst experiences of my life but i could hardly have asked for a better one, you know, considering. really. i think i kind of needed it, to help me sort stuff out. and yes, i do feel terribly for what some might call 'using him' but i'd never hurt him or anyone intentionally and he doesn't begrudge me.

    i already do most of those things but i'm ready to take it to the next level. i'll be wearing my t-shirt with a flag-coloured heart. i've seen chalk messages on the roads on campus, so i might do some, comprising an educational or fun phrase ('not everyone experiences romantic attraction and that's ok' or 'we get the discounted valentine's day chocolates') followed by 'happy aromantic spectrum awareness week'.
  4. Some Arospec Questions (For fun) (Part 1?)

    1. the aromanatee (courtesy: http://kirstendraws.tumblr.com/). 2. yes. i can't imagine losing my best friend. 3. for me, hypothetically, a qpr would include platonic attraction, which is similar to friendship, so that would be fair, but what if at least one of the people in the relationship weren't aro--even demi, gray, or whatever--then romantic stuff might be involved...it gets complicated. i feel like i'd just call my partner(s) my boyfriend(s) and not worry about it. 4) it would make it easier to find relationship-compatible people (getting involved with allos is a dangerous game) and even just to find friends who personally understand and don't ditch you for their partner or talk about romantic stuff all the time. and there would be less annoying amatonormativity in general. and fewer people would have kids, since that usually takes place within a marriage or committed romantic relationship, and there are already too many people in the world. i don't see any negatives, but i guess i'm biased.
  5. Platonic va Romantic

    for me, the fact that i can't understand what romantic attraction is was an indication that i don't experience it. like, if i did, i'd know...you know? i've never doubted my heterosexuality so whenever i got a squish on a girl, i knew it was platonic. the platonic attraction i felt towards guys, if in combination with sexual, i guess i assumed was romantic, though not in so many words--this is before i knew about aromanticism or split attraction--i just mean i assumed it was a "normal" crush. (i now refer to the phenomenon as an aro crush.) but it wasn't, in itself, different from pure platonic attraction i felt towards anyone. amatonormativity, man, it'll mess with you. if what you're experiencing seems like a squish or aro crush, it probably is, but i'm not familiar with anything else, so that's as much help as i can be.
  6. Relationship Anarchy

    i wasn't familiar with this concept but it's pretty much how i think about relationships. i feel like many people define and restrict theirs to an unhelpful degree. personally, i can be attracted to multiple people at once and can imagine being happily in relationship(s) with more than one person at once, so i identify as polyamorous. idk about the whole qpr thing, like i do get squishes but if they're purely platonic, my ideal relationship with them (any gender) would be close friendship. if sexual attraction/activity were also present i might call them my boyfriend, if only for simplicity's sake. so i wondered how much of a choice you guys consider all this. aromanticism, i'm guessing not at all, but what about polyamory and relationship anarchy? for me, none of them really are, they're just how i feel. like, being in polyamorous or undefined relationship(s) may be a choice, but not being poly.
  7. so i met this guy

    i won't bore you with the details, but basically i found out this guy isn't the sort of person with whom i'd like to get involved. i'll keep your advice in mind for the future, though, along with your vegan green frozen treat ideas!
  8. i'm just going by what i understand based on how people talk about it. when defining sexuality, as with romanticism, the only factor should be attraction. i'm sure plenty of asexuals have a higher sex drive or more sexual activity than me, for instance. that doesn't change either of our respective orientations. i am very particular when it comes to sexual attraction, but it can be quite strong. and as my friends like to troll me, i'm more fujoshi than anything. (basically, one hot guy=good; two or more...together=best thing ever.) so i guess i'm not a typical heterosexual, not least because most of them are heteroromantic, but i do remember watching 'blue is the warmest color' and having to look away during the sex scenes (between two girls), at which my friend remarked "you're so straight, i love it!" i would have reacted similarly to an m/f scene. anyway, there's no question that i'm the definition of aromantic.
  9. @Phobe i live in toronto, myself. i'm not far from the village and unfortunately i just missed what would have been my first pride this past june, but i've heard it's great. as far as i can tell, it's a pretty good city in which to be lgbt+. there's ace toronto, too, but so far the only aro-inclusive meetup i've noticed (at a vegan restaurant, no less--i got my hopes up) was only for poc so i haven't been to any yet.
  10. coming out again

    so i was with my roommate and our friend, and we were having some personal chats, asking questions and all that, and i asked them to describe romantic attraction. this was met with the same dissatisfying answer i've gotten from everyone i've asked: basically like a combination of "emotional" and "physical" attraction--what i know as 'platonic' and 'sexual', apparently--but stronger. i'm like, my dudes, you're not giving me anything new. you're saying it's different (from what i experience) but you're not describing anything different. i got so into this discussion that my friends started to get suspicious--all i'd said previously was that i didn't really date, wasn't very romantic, etc.--so i casually mentioned i'm aro. (this is how most of my comings-out go: i'm backed into a corner and it's easier just to do it. once my friend asked in a convo with his classmates "aren't you asexual?" so i had to clear that up--turned out one girl was actually questioning, herself; the other contributed the classic "that's how i felt before i met my bf".) anyway, my friend stated that he believed it was possible to be aromantic and agreed i was. i told him not everyone is so cool about it, and thanked him. the one uncool thing he'd said was the following, after i equated my love for my best friend to the sort he seemed to be describing: "i think you're romantically attracted to your friend." ohhhh man, like, do you not love your friends very much or something? i would do anything for her and i'll never get tired of her, therefore we've surpassed mere best-friendship? good god, man, we've known each other 13 years, what am i supposed to be--ambivalent? i cleared that one right up. anyway, if you guys have had any similar coming out experiences (or different), i'd be glad to hear them. my favourite is still when i told my good friend, after only my bf at the time and my parents (she's gay and told me early on, too) and she said excitedly "i can see that!" always a roll of the dice, isn't it?
  11. Favourite Anime/Manga(s)?

    update: after i finished free! (really liked it) i watched dramatical murder (not really my thing but if you like sci-fi stuff i recommend it) and yuri on ice--loved it. i was told yuri and victor were together in it, which turned out to be...not exactly true, but i'm holding out for the next season. anyway, if you haven't seen it yet, watch it. it's going to be hard to top, for me. i'll continue to update.
  12. I have a squish.. I think?

    sounds like a squish to me. i get them fairly often, and have one currently, on an internet friend. basically talking or even listening to her (on live streams) makes me really happy and i want to get to know her better and maintain contact. as for the ones i've had on irl acquaintances, i enjoyed and looked forward to seeing them and talking to them, in a slightly different way than with longtime or casual friends--more excitement, i guess--not nervousness; it can still be comfortable. even if we're already friends, as you say you are, it's a slightly different feeling. hard to describe.
  13. my thoughts on this can pretty much be found in my response to this thread: tl;dr: yes, at 19 i already find this to some extent and i don't look forward to how much more i surely will in the future.
  14. i like this topic. i've addressed it before, saying that overall it's definitely my romantic orientation: i identify more strongly with a- than with hetero-, if that makes sense. like, among aro/aces, i'm pretty much like 'yeah, but guys are hot,' whereas among straight people (or any allo) i'm often like '...no.' what with their romanticism (??), its interconnection with their sexuality (?!?!?), and often their monoamory (i'm poly), i don't even know where to start. on the off-chance we're just talking about our sexual attraction to guys (in which case they could of course be bi/pan and it would make little to no difference), we're all good, but like, the other day, a group of acquaintances were talking about sex, and yet again i had nothing to say to even the straight girls, as i'm virgin. i feel like i can sympathize with gray-aces in that respect: sex just isn't a big deal. i know some of my fellow allo/aros have agreed on that here, too. it's like, i've never questioned my heterosexuality, but it's a part of my life as insignificant as any other interest or hobby, less so than some, whereas my aromanticism is very present. i think about it plenty, even now that i'm well past my questioning aka denial period, and as many of you have said, so do other people; if they're not asking about your romantic life/interests, they're talking about theirs. a few times i've come out simply because i've been backed into a corner and it was easier just to do it than to keep blundering about with vague answers. not that i mind coming out, usually; i just don't do it if i don't deem it necessary/helpful, because as i'm sure you know, it only brings on more questions. romance and everything which comes with it is, as far as i can see, much more of a societal expectation. so i think it comes down to 3 main points: 1. on a scale of sexuality (from a- to allo-) i'm about average, maybe a bit lower, whereas on the same scale of romanticism, i'm a 0. aggressively aromantic, if you will. 2. sexuality and romanticism in general carry different emphasis and implications. 3. heterosexuality as opposed to homo-, bi-, pan-, or asexuality is like, whatever. although i was rather surprised to see so many of you of the latter sexualities say they didn't carry much weight. i guess that comes back to my second point. clearly i have lots to say about this, so if anything was unclear or not covered, chime in.
  15. Feeling Left Behind...

    here comes a rant. i feel like allos don't treat friendship as important regardless of whether or not they're in a relationship. like, let's say they bail on plans, even if it's not in favour of spending time with their partner, that still says something. this is of course a generalization; my roommate feels the same way, despite being allo--she's just a considerate person. we've been disappointed to find that people like us are rare. we tried to have a housewarming thing when we moved in, invited around 20 people, and literally no one showed up. some made lame excuses for why they wouldn't come (such as studying on a saturday night--we saw on their snapchats that they were not doing that), some said they would and then flaked, some were noncommittal, some didn't even respond to our invitation at all. on top of that, invitees were fucking around in the group chat like "why don't you invite so-and-so" like it's their decision or something. there are more details but i'm not going to get into them, just know that the whole thing cost us a lot of energy, stress, and money--my roommate was on the verge of tears a couple times--and all for nothing. and when we talked to friends about it, they were basically like, "yeah, what's the big deal? everyone does that." but they shouldn't! i was appalled. and this is just one of the more prominent instances of many. like, by this point i'm shocked when friends DO follow through with commitments they've made. i acknowledge we've only known each other about a year--my best friend of 13 years is ALWAYS there for me--but one of the aforementioned "friends" has been dating this girl for maybe 2 months and he literally spends more of his life with her--taking into account all 24 hours of the day--than without her. i've hardly seen him since. and he spent a lot more time with me back before they started dating, when--yup, that's right--he was romantically attracted to me. surprise. oh, and he's very smart and doesn't have any mental illness or disability but his grades are suffering and he's dropped a course. surprise. man, thinking back to when i was with my ex and didn't want to spend much time with him (partly as in, no more than with a good friend because of course i didn't consider him more important than one, even though he was already a pretty good friend, and partly as in, i was figuring out that i was aro and the idea of doing romantic stuff with him made me, well, not want to, so i spent LESS time with him than with many of my friends)...anyway, i now realize how rare and awesome his respect of my boundaries was; pretty much anyone else would have dumped me long ago. let me summarize the revelations covered here: 1. most people don't really care about their friends beyond "they're people with whom to have fun when it's convenient for me, which isn't often" and 2. spending all the live long day with your partner, no matter who or what else suffers for it, is not only totally normal, but expected, i.e. if you don't, you're not a good partner. i find both of these very sad.