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aro_elise

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About aro_elise

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Personal Information

  • Name
    Elise
  • Gender
    female
  • Pronouns
    she/her
  • Location
    Toronto
  • Occupation
    fashion design student
  • Romanticism
    aromantic
  • Sexuality
    heterosexual

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  1. i can totally relate to a lot of what you said. i'm 20, and i dated for the first and only time at 17 (and i haven't really had a sexual relationship). i felt quite similarly uncomfortable. in fact, despite what a great guy he was--our friendship predated our romantic relationship and still continues--it was one of the worst times of my life. and yet, i, too, sometimes feel some wild desire for some sort of relationship, even another disastrous one like that, just to add some...drama to my life? i don't know. i think it's largely due to internalized arophobia; logically, there are many possible significant changes to my current lifestyle, most of which are more appealing than a romantic relationship, but it's hard not to think about it. try not to be critical about the way you relate to your aromanticism, and know that it can change a lot--it has for me in the ~3 years since i started identifying as aro. i'm not sure how well i actually responded to what you said, but if you have any more questions, don't hesitate.
  2. i think we tend to focus on real-world implications of being aro, the main one being our lack of desire, even particular aversion, to romance and traditional relationships, including marriage, because that's really the only thing which others (those not on the spectrum) can perceive, and this amatonormative society can impact us pretty heavily. i'm sure you know as well as i do that a common response to the statement that you're aro-spec is something along the lines of "so you don't like dating?" we try to inform that it's not just about what we do or don't like doing, but about how we feel. and while many of us do have preferences in common, in terms of relationships, the only thing which actually defines us as aro-spec is our lack of romantic attraction. the lack of discussion around this is surely more noticeable to you because of how it differs from your experience, not unlike the sense of otherness i often feel among fellow heterosexuals (who are also heteroromantic), but that doesn't mean i'm gray-ace or whatever; it means i can relate more to fellow aro heterosexuals (and aros in general, personally). so i think that's the best solution: look for others like you, find some threads about cupioromanticism or relationships, start your own, check out some tumblr blogs (i follow some aro ones), just keep an eye out. good luck.
  3. aro_elise

    If you could take a pill...

    oh yeah, throwback! i'm sorry to hear that and i recommend seeing a professional, if that's available to you, regardless of your diagnosis or lack thereof. well, i think it's kind of like what you were saying about a quick fix, like, even if you magically solved one issue, there would be another; you can't just go around snapping your fingers every time something unpleasant comes your way. that's life, you know? you have challenges, and you do your best to work through them. and while i do try to think of mental illness as a challenge which has been thrown at me rather than an aspect of my identity, and i do vaguely remember my life before it, i can say the following without any judgment of positive or negative: i don't know who i would be without it, but i wouldn't be who i am today. that might sound dumb; maybe it's part of my trust in God's plan and discomfort with the idea of "playing" Him, but anything i dislike about myself or my life i try to either change (non-magically) or accept.
  4. just btw, i'll gladly answer pretty much any question you have for me, whether apropos of something i wrote or of nothing.  i may not be thrilled with everything allos ask me, but i know you guys are always motivated by genuine interest and open-mindedness and i love talking to you.

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. Eklinaar

      Eklinaar

      I was just curious because I've heard a lot of different answers to that question, and it comes up often on Tumblr.

       

      Do you feel like being aromantic affects your friendships?

    3. aro_elise

      aro_elise

      i feel like it does in that i take them more seriously, like we discussed: when i make a commitment to my friends, even to hang out, i follow through (unless there's a good reason i can't).  not many people i know are like that.  maybe it's my generation, but it seems to be an expectation to be with your partner all the time, but acceptable to blow off your friends for no reason.  i do fear that friends will leave me especially when they find romantic partners.  i won't stand to be their back-up plan when they break up.  my biggest concern down the road (probably way down) is about my best friend getting married, though i trust that she'll have time for me no matter what--she's such a good friend that it would be insulting to think otherwise--i just have to keep reminding myself of that, and of course that i want her to be happy.  

    4. Eklinaar

      Eklinaar

      Whew, I can relate to this a lot.  People thinking it's acceptable to blow off their friends irritates me a lot.  My first long-term girlfriend regularly criticized me for not blowing off my friends to be with her instead, and I told her that was a shitty thing for her to ask me to do, but she maintained it was not.  It's frustrating that mistreating friends is normalized.

       

      I think I'm out of questions for now, but this has been great.  Feel free to contact me any time if you want to talk.  There have been some interesting conversations on Tumblr lately about the intersection of aromanticism and polyamory, though I think a lot of it would just be really obvious to you.

  5. wow, this is so interesting to me 'cause i'm definitely not demi. so that's the best perspective i can contribute: it sounds like this is the case for you since you are demi, based on the fact that i can't relate. basically, i'd sleep with any guy(s) (i'm poly) i was significantly attracted to and felt comfortable with, if the situation presented itself. it just hasn't (well, with my ex, but long story). my sex drive is unrelated to this. a relationship like that does sound cool, but i'm glad you're still close with him.
  6. aro_elise

    kids know what's up

    so i was babysitting and they were watching karate kid, in which the guy says something to a girl in mandarin. one of the kids says "i have no idea what he's saying but i hope it's not romantic. 'cause if it was, i'd stab that kid with a katana." brilliant delivery. generally speaking, i don't like kids, but i like him (not just because of that). just wanted to share that anecdote.
  7. aro_elise

    Aro memes

    ok i can't find it but you know the meme of the guy looking at a butterfly like "is this _____?" well in this version the butterfly was 'any positive feeling towards another person,' the guy was 'me before i knew i was aro' or something, and it said 'is this romantic attraction?'
  8. aro_elise

    Aromanticism in one sentence

    hmm, hard to say. i like the one you mentioned, @James White, partly because i'm poly. (also, i know i've said this, but your 'Heterosexual, but so aro it doesn't even matter' still cracks me up every time, because LARGE MOOD.) how about 'i like friends and/or benefits but not boyfriends'? (by the general definition. i might call a qpp a boyfriend. and 'not girlfriends' is implied. in the interest of keeping it concise.)
  9. aro_elise

    Differentiating between types of attraction

    to me, there's platonic/friend attraction--that's the minimum requirement for me to call it a squish. then there's aesthetic: usually, when i admire a girl's appearance, i'd like the characteristic(s) for myself, and when it's a guy, it's associated with sexual attraction. there can be aesthetic attraction without sexual (even to guys), but not the other way around. sexual/sensual, to me, is pretty much the same. (there are some kinds of physical contact i'd like, which fall into that category, and some i wouldn't, which i'd classify as romantic.) so, towards males, there's platonic, aesthetic, platonic + aesthetic, sexual + aesthetic, and all three--that's the point at which i might want some kind of qpr. for non-males, remove the ones with 'sexual'. i have experience with all these combinations. i only sometimes have a hard time with recognition, with guys: uncertainty as to the presence of sexual attraction. i actually have that now with my squish. and i'm probably less likely to really want to act on attraction than an allo would be. i also agree that they'd probably have no idea what i'm talking about here--i hope you guys do. 😄
  10. aro_elise

    If you could take a pill...

    nope. being aro and being heterosexual each have their advantages and disadvantages (and additional ones when they're in conjunction, which in my case they are), but it's who i am and i like it. like @NullVector, i'd be interested to see what being ace is like, though it's easier to imagine that than being alloromantic (absence of something i know vs. presence of something i don't know), so i'd be even more inclined to try that out, but if my only options were a permanent change or none at all, i'd choose none. in fact, i wouldn't magically change anything about myself, not my depression, not things i dislike about my appearance--it would feel wrong. again, @NullVector, you said it.
  11. so i talked about getting over a squish.  well, jokes, i still like him.

  12. yeah, ok, i've been thinking about this. idk how to phrase this but a possible reason for more women identifying as aro is that it's more...noticeable to us? because of the stereotype that women are more romantic and men are more sexual, like, i think some guys just don't really think much of it. and it seems tied to heteronormativity, so being heterosexual could definitely be a part of it. (i know that made it hard for me to realize i was aro. the whole "you just haven't found the right person" rhetoric is thrown around in an apparent effort to assure us we're 'normal' and we kind of believe it.) anyway, the ratio of actual aro-spec men compared to women and non-binary people could be more even, maybe even in favour of men (idk, hypothetically) but it's like, 'oh, that's how it's supposed to be.' is that off-base? i mean, a lot of people don't recognize the difference between not prioritizing relationships/"serious" relationships (ugh, that's a whole other discussion) or not being one for overt romantically-coded expression, and actually not experiencing romantic attraction, i.e. being aro. including many aros, at first. sorry, that's a lot to introduce right away. just a taste of the kind of discussions we get into here. 😄 welcome.
  13. aro_elise

    Trying to Figure Out Who I Am

    general advice? just be honest with yourself and others; you owe nothing more or less than the sort of kindness and consideration you'd give in any other matter. it's a journey, and a variety of emotions will arise. accept them. you'll learn a lot about yourself, the aro-spec community, the larger community, and how they all relate. sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's pretty cool. if you have any more questions, i'd be happy to help, or at least to share my experiences. welcome to the club.
  14. that's a lot to talk about. i'll do my best. 1. yes. in general. not only does it bring awareness to aromanticism, but to split attraction in general. it would be helpful to a lot of people to know that their orientations may not align and that's ok. romantic orientation, to most people, even allo/allos (though again, they probably don't recognize it as separate) is an equally important aspect of orientation/identity as any other. i've heard some say more so. 2. i don't really consider any other type of attraction to indicate an orientation, like, i don't call myself panplatonic. if others want to that's fine but i do think that more discussion and portrayal of non-romantic (and non-sexual, i guess) feelings and relationships in general would be a good thing. it helps a-specs affirm the validity and importance of them and just be able to relate to something, and i think everyone should see that there's more to liking/loving people--and to life--than romance + sex (i phrased that like an equation on purpose). 3. i mean, i get the kind of mentality to which you're referring, and it is a little annoying to be thought of second if at all, even in a-spec contexts, but if we don't take the opportunity to insert aromanticism into the conversation, that won't change. and we can be fairly confident that aroaces will be on our side. 4. not a lot tbh. i was a little nervous at pride and i saw no aro flags/anything besides the one on my shirt (but i didn't have any negative experiences). as for discussion of lgbt+ topics, a lot of it seems to revolve around the whole "love is love" and "love is a terrible thing to hate" and stuff--and i could get into the dearth of assurances that romance isn't ever obligatory and should always be consensual, as compared to the rightly plentiful counterparts about sexual consent, but i've done that--and yeah, they're totally great sentiments, but...it's kind of wild how, as we said, it's always 'sexual orientation'--but then it's always 'love'. i wonder how, for instance, lesbian aros feel about the term 'wlw'. maybe i just notice stuff like that more, like, aces may well feel like there's excessive emphasis on sex in lgbt+ conversations, but i have seen overtly arophobic stuff. from lgbt+ people. again, i think this is largely this sort of paradox in which if aromanticism were better understood it would be included more, but it has to be included to be understood. yeah. we've got a ways to go, but i think we're on our way.
  15. i think i'm falling out of like (?) with a squish and i'm ok with it

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