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aro_elise

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About aro_elise

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Personal Information

  • Name
    Elise
  • Gender
    female
  • Pronouns
    she/her
  • Location
    Toronto
  • Occupation
    fashion design student
  • Romanticism
    aromantic
  • Sexuality
    heterosexual

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  1. aro_elise

    Aro memes

    the mcr one made me laugh, i love them
  2. aro_elise

    Being Poly and Aegoromantic

    polyamorous means you can be attracted to more than one person at once. most people use it to mean 'romantically and sexually attracted' but i identify as poly and i use it to describe queerplatonic and sexual attraction, and you could apply it to others. when you use the prefix 'poly-' before a type of attraction it describes the number of genders to which you're attracted, i.e. more than one but not all because that would be pan, so like someone who likes women and nb people might be polysexual/polyromantic. sounds like you're describing polyamory.
  3. i made this reply to a new male member wondering about the same thing: "yeah, ok, i've been thinking about this. idk how to phrase this but a possible reason for more women identifying as aro is that it's more...noticeable to us? because of the stereotype that women are more romantic and men are more sexual, like, i think some guys just don't really think much of it. and it seems tied to heteronormativity, so being heterosexual could definitely be a part of it. (i know that made it hard for me to realize i was aro. the whole "you just haven't found the right person" rhetoric is thrown around in an apparent effort to assure us we're 'normal' and we kind of believe it.) anyway, the ratio of actual aro-spec men compared to women and non-binary people could be more even, maybe even in favour of men (idk, hypothetically) but it's like, 'oh, that's how it's supposed to be.' is that off-base? i mean, a lot of people don't recognize the difference between not prioritizing relationships/"serious" relationships (ugh, that's a whole other discussion) or not being one for overt romantically-coded expression, and actually not experiencing romantic attraction, i.e. being aro. including many aros, at first. sorry, that's a lot to introduce right away. just a taste of the kind of discussions we get into here. 😄 welcome."
  4. aro_elise

    Coming out stories!

    i do that too. a waitress described a special which contained "aromatic spices" and when she left i said to my parents "i can't hear that word anymore."
  5. i was watching this asmr video (i regularly watch only two artists but this was in my feed) which was a 1500s rp and she said something to the effect of "i don't want a lover. i wonder if there will one day be a term for someone who never wants a lover." i was like 'ayy i see that subtle shoutout'. idk whether she's aro and/or ace irl but i'm guessing. i saw in the comments i was not the only one who picked up on it. yeah, that's all, it was just cool.
  6. off topic but after i relapsed with self harm i asked my roommate to take my blades (and the one from the blender, in case).  it was uncomfortable but i'm kind of proud of myself.  you have to make deliberate decisions to heal.

    1. NullVector

      NullVector

      It's good that you have friends like that. I think it's really important to recognise that we can't do everything by ourselves (actually, it may be unhealthy to tell ourselves that we can, particularly when trying to make positive changes in our lives to do with breaking old habits?) and to feel able to ask for support from other people. Even (especially?) when it feels awkward to do it.

       

      Now I just need to try taking my own advice there more, hah.

    2. aro_elise

      aro_elise

      thanks.  i remind myself that if i ever want to start seeing a therapist again, find one.  i do tend to wait until the damage is done rather than take precautions to prevent it in the first place but i'm working on it.  good luck to you too.

    3. NullVector

      NullVector

      I reckon it takes a bit of practice to pick up on things earlier, before they get out of hand. A bit like keeping your balance on a tightrope or slack line (I was trying this the other day, lol). At first you make a few big movements and fall off a lot; but if you can learn to make a lot of smaller, more frequent corrections, you keep your balance better (random analogy, but maybe it helps?)

       

      I'm doing better recently, actually. Made myself get out of the house more to interact with people. It helps.

  7. aro_elise

    Hello

    wow, that is a short amount of time to come to such a profound realization, even if you're not certain about it, and i don't mean that in a bad way at all. it took me about a year from the time i first heard the term and thought it seemed right to the time i accepted it. (i'm 20 now, too, btw.) but what you described does sound like aromanticism to me. i think what may be tripping you up is the same thing a lot of allos (non-aromantics) tend to focus on, which is thinking only about romantic love, i.e. falling in love, being madly in love, finding your true love, that kind of movie stuff, as opposed to romantic attraction, which isn't necessarily that monumental; it could simply be crushes. that is to say, yes, almost everyone our age has experienced some kind of romantic attraction, and if you haven't, you're probably aro. btw, the non-romantic version of a crush (generally platonic feelings) is called a squish. when this coincides with sexual attraction, i personally call it an aro crush. and of course there can be sexual attraction on its own. and you don't even have to have had one relationship to be able to identify as aro, never mind more than one. you don't have to be a certain age, and you don't have to question for a certain length of time. if you feel like you're aro, that's enough. i had one relationship, which began several months after i'd started questioning (mostly denying) and ended a couple months after i'd decided to id as aro (and told him). it just reinforced my suspicions; if not for it, i don't know how my discovery process would have gone. i've been single for almost three years and i'm very confident in my identity. good luck discovering yours.
  8. sorry to derail the conversation but if you have any questions i'd be glad to help. i'm sure you'll only regret not doing it sooner. good luck.
  9. it didn't work on me. 🤷‍♀️ i put 'born aro'. yeah, it can be fluid, but like @running.tally i think that's a dangerous way to describe it because it's used to suggest that queer people will become not queer, and even if it does change, it doesn't invalidate previous identities. i've always been aro (even if i didn't always know it) and i feel strongly that i always will be.
  10. aro_elise

    Aromantic Moments

    @David Box @eatingcroutons i once had someone (online) tell me i was lucky to be aro. they were very emphatic, describing the assumed advantages and asking "do you even realize how lucky you are?" tbh it kind of bothered me. like, i agreed with some of what they said, but there are also disadvantages. i felt like it wasn't their place to tell me how good i had it when they couldn't understand--hadn't even thought of--many of the experiences shared by aros, not to mention the ones i personally had, which were some of the worst of my life. it's not just avoiding romantic heartbreak and drama. and i told them that.
  11. oh look, it's me. 😄 welcome. when i told my close friend she smiled and said "that makes sense!" she'd suspected i was queer and been trying to figure it out, but not being super familiar with aromanticism, her best guess was bisexual ("i knew you were sexually attracted to guys..."). my parents and several other friends know, too. in the 3+ years i've known, i've become more comfortable, happier, and more open about it, and i'm sure you will, too. that being said, don't feel like you have to tell everyone. sometimes it gets tiring to explain it, and of course not everyone will take it very well. it's totally up to you.
  12. aro_elise

    Romance in media

    i agree, i don't understand how allos don't get tired of the same narrative over and over. my parents and i will be watching a movie, right, and even if it starts out quite well, it almost invariably ends up incorporating dull romantic cliches. and just as i'm experiencing disappointment (but not surprise) my mom will comment on how sweet it is. unbelievable. the few aro stories i've read have been so refreshing. one of them has stuck with me for years--short but lovely and real, it made me cry without being tragic or overwrought. (at the risk of sounding pretentious, i think the art of subtlety is uncommon and vastly underappreciated.) i understand that it can be difficult to write from a perspective you haven't experienced, but isn't that kind of a writer's job? i'd like to see more creativity.
  13. aro_elise

    Lost

    i kept dismissing the possibility at first, too, until i...couldn't. i know (for me, at least) sexual attraction makes it hard to discover your romantic orientation because you just assume it matches. but here's something to think about: i thought 'how do i know whether i experience romantic attraction if i don't know what it is?' well, that fact should be a pretty good indicator in itself. if i had felt it, i'd know. 'but what i just haven't YET?' well, i was 16/17 then and i'm 20 now and most importantly, i truly have a feeling i never will, but even if i do, my aromanticism up until that point is valid. i was with my boyfriend for 8 months, great guy, we're still friends, but everything romantic...it felt like i was playing a part for which i hadn't prepared, and i thought i just had to get used to it but i never did. i cried with nothing but relief (and a bit of sympathy for him) when we broke up. i hope that helps and i'd be glad to try if you have any questions.
  14. i'm with @awra and others who said that romantic attraction has always existed but historically it was less of a big deal. it's a fact that marriage purely for love was very uncommon until maybe a couple hundred years ago, maybe less. i think this could be compared to the complaint about "modern hookup culture" in that sexual attraction and even casual sexual relationships have always existed but are more talked about and maybe more common nowadays. or even how the conversation about diversity in sexual orientation, gender identity, mental illness, etc. opening up doesn't mean that these are new things, rather that they're newly accepted (at least more so than before). it's a change in society, not in feelings.
  15. aro_elise

    Just said Aromantic out loud

    If only others tired of saying we're "too young" or "just haven't met the right person" as quickly as we tire of hearing it. Your experience with romantic relationships sounds similar to mine and I doubt either of our identities will change, but as @Holmbo said, it wouldn't matter if they did. I've identified as aro for about 3 years and my feelings about this identity have only grown stronger and more positive. As long as I have good friends, which I do, I won't wish for a long-term romantic relationship. If you do want something besides friendship, look into the concept of queerplatonic relationships, which are committed, very close platonic relationships which may or may not include romantic and/or sexual elements and may look similar to traditional relationships/marriage in other ways such as cohabitation, sharing finances, etc. In any case, I hope you have/find meaningful relationships which work for you. Welcome to the community.
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