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ApeironStella

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Everything posted by ApeironStella

  1. ApeironStella

    Early signs that you were aro

    Now that I see the marriage topic, I remembered that as a kid, only reason I was interested in getting married was because I realized how much money was put into that one day and that while in the country I live in it was done in a lot more conventional way, but people in especially American/Western movies doing stuff like bursting out of cakes, some other shenanigans happening during the party, it suddenly turning to a musical etc so I was just "swinging down from a rope with a long fluffy sweet dress and kicking some infiltrator butt and maybe pulling a musical number in a party that is based around my favourite series/themed after things I like, and since this is some "once in a life time event" I could rationalize it to my parents like "you would pay just the same if we did it conventional way, this is once in life let me have this"? That sounded fucking sweet to me. Like, the fact that it was supposed to be a tender and romantic and emotional thing was the least of my concerns, and the groom was something I didn't think much about because ever since I was younger, I have always been of the opinion that "If I ever marry someone that honestly would be a bff who I adore the personality/way of thinking/someone I respect as a person and enjoy spending my time with and knew for a good long time, and if they asked for marriage sure, only thing that would change is that sex would be added to stuff we do, I guess" way, so my assumption was that if I was ever marrying someone, they would be the type to enjoy that sort of party/'quirky' stuff too so it would be pulling a giant fun party with a bff, surrounded by friends who enjoy that with us as well. And of course, I would do something like making bunny ears behind his head as we take the wedding pic or smth because of course it would not be complete without me pulling an annoying, childish trollish thing. (Now that I think about it, most ""romantic"" type domestic scenarios I could think of often had more of a dynamic of "annoying lil sister type with an exasperated yet loving older sibling-ish friend type of relationship even when I was thinking I was/my OC was crushing on a canon character. Like, there would be some random stealing kiss moment, because of course there had to be one if they were a couple!, but honestly it was more in a way of "Ha! Caught you off guard!" way than any sappy, truly emotional and tender thing? The latter type of scenarios never sat right with me/always made me feel uncomfortable and I would often end up imagining it turning to something funnier/some funny background event happening to disturb it, so huh. I think I always just felt uncomfortable with my character actually being romantically involved with other character despite other character being a character I really love/admire/want to pinch the cheeks of and felt genuine connection to/affection towards but the point was that I would want to be involved with that character in a platonic manner than romantic and/or sexual. Even my "celebrity crushes" were all "I admire this person so much that I would love to meet them and for them to be an older sister/brother figure who mentors me/be people I can learn from and earn the respect of as well, I would be so happy if they ever found me admirable too" way. Before I knew about squishes, I used to call those "admiration crushes", as anytime I had that with a friend I was getting closer towards, it just ended up going away the moment we became a "couple", and often times, even without that after a while it always fades once I know that friend well enough to be good friends- once I am someone close to them and the bond I so strongly desired is accomplished and I know that I have a place in their life and vice versa. I still care about them a lot, but not as actively waiting for their responses, if that makes sense. Though, honestly I often almost always only talk about common interests with people so at least half of that eagerness is eagerness to be able to talk about that story/topic we are both so into, with someone who is genuinely as into the thing as I am, wanting to share tha experience with someone, than a romantical/sexual interest? But ye.)
  2. Oooh, that's a great idea 💚 Haven't replied to past ones, but since yesterday's was apparently about favourite aesthetic: Anything with pastel purple, especially stuff that involves holy trio of pastel pink-purple-blue (plus space aesthetic in general). I just have a thing for soft/airy vibes. (as if my profile picture/cover pic isn't a hint enough on that lmao. That artist's colour choices/shading and in general vibe and more subtle and/or obvious meaning that ties back to the characters while keeping the image taken just during a scene of movement yet actually rather still and sort of empty yet not quite empty, peaceful almost after-lifey vibe, that hazy airy vibe I adore so much.) For today's: I love my family because being an only child who grew up moving around a lot, they were the only constant people in my life growing up, and I sincerely do feel like they both did try their best to raise me to their capabilities and they even now still do. I love how my mother always tried to answer my questions logically as a kid, instead of ever getting angry at me for asking some hard questions, and admitted if she didn't know something herself as well and said she would research about it and let me know the result, I am so so grateful to her for teaching me how to learn and question things so young and never being an "authority" figure in my life in the sense that she was someone I ever had to be afraid of, and to this day, can have some hours long proper discussions on various topics with, but also being able to be equally goofy and doing silly things with her because her soul is sometimes honestly younger than mine. My favourite moments with her is usually when we are just trolling each other or watching/reading some series together, or having a nice talk with her. For my father, for being someone who almost always has a smile on his face and being not above doing some silly things if he thinks it would cheer me up as a kid, for showing me how to interact with people better as well since he is someone who is rather good at human connections, for showing me that there truly are people on this world that does something kind for some random stranger just because they are the type of person who shares what they got even if its not much, for sharing hours on end with me on some silly atari or computer game which we played again and again until we memorized and had our strategies set for certain stages, that one night when I was in the 2nd grade or so, we were playing Lode Runner, and it was like 4 AM when we finally get to end of that game for once, I was barely awake at the time that I hazily remember him saying we reached the end of it. And also, I love both of them for dealing with a honestly rather trouble making child like me without ever resorting to violence and rarely losing their temper with me, instead using empathy and reasoning so that I would learn taking responsibility for my actions and how they effect others early on. And for rarely ever forcing me on any major decision, leaving it to me to choose if I wanted to pursue further education or work or what I want to study, never pressuring me to put my grades above my happiness/health, saying it was ultimately my choice what I did with my life. (Which is ironically why I never had much need for being "rebellious"- I personally do want to study further and learn more, and do keep an eye on my own grades, because it is something I personally care about.) For my friends, for being there for me when I needed them most, for being there as I was (and am) growing up and maturing further, for calling me out on my bs when I got unreasonable, for calming me down when I freaked out, for trusting me with their own share of secrets and problems, for sharing so many fictional universes with me, for losing ourselves in the story we write, getting so in synch with each other that we keep stealing words from each other's mouth constantly, for broken friendships teaching me how to not act in certain situations and how to handle such things, that conflict between you and your friend isn't a reason for instantly assuming that friendship is irrepairable and that it is sometimes okay and necessary, that some bonds are worth the risk and the worth the effort, for showing me that I have qualities worthy of offering them to the world and encouraging me while I doubt myself, for considering me a friend in the first place, for everything. I'm sorry this got rather long, I just have a lot I appreciate about them all that this would get even longer if I didn't stop myself- they are all lovely people deserving of all the love world has to offer and I'm kind of feeling rather sentimental/mushy rn whoops-
  3. ApeironStella

    Allow personals/dating requests?

    I would say if it becomes a thing, it definitely should be in a specific subforum, as there are romance-repulsed aros as well? I can see logic in both allowing a subforum like that to exist and vice versa, but since personally I would have no use for it, so long as it doesn't become such a major part of the forum that it revolves around people just looking for partners, it sounds fine to me? It would need a good monitoring by the admins/mods due to age/what content are post publicly etc like Jot-Aro said, though. I mean, I come here to most often when I'm sick of amatonormativity in daily life, so that's why I wouldn't want the main focus to shift away that much personally, but it definitely can be good for people who are looking for QPRs/Grey/Demi/Arospec people who are not at the extreme end of the spectrum, so a subforum if wanted by said Arospecs can work?
  4. Oh. Okay, I just saw this and makes sense with your other questions then. Agreed with others on this thread, you can't be a sexual abuser/predator if you respect it when other people don't give a consent, and you are open about what you are looking for while approaching someone. Being trans and/or alloaro isn't inherently predatory, and if people you are surrounded by is pushing down that TERF/RadFem bullshit on you, then it is likely for better to limit your interactions with them as much as you can. I'm sorry you were abused in such a way as a kid, and I hope you are able to avoid people who abused you, but their abuse doesn't define you or make you something inherently broken/dirty/an abuser- the fact that you actually worry that you might be abusing someone even while trying your damn best to avoid that sounds to me like regardless of the abuse you went through, you still have your heart in the right place. And of course, if that label makes you feel more comfortable with yourself, then that's how you identify yourself as, end of the line. Just please know that there is nothing wrong with being alloaro either, and that you are always welcomed here as others have said 💚
  5. Okay so... Let me get this straight(lol)... You base your identity around being seen as the "weird, loner, smart, gifted one" and also use the "smartness factor" as a bargaining chip when you want to try to get a sexual partner, and also worry that acting as such is going against your "smart loner lonely mysterious kuudere TM" aura so that it might end up "nullifying your weirdness, which you see as a core part of yourself and don't want to be 'nullified'"? I'm sorry if this comes out harsh, as I sincerely don't mean any harm with this, but this whole thing comes off as being rather insecure with who you are and seeing some traits you have as a person as certain labels you cling to, which I can understand being a thing (especially in high school years/teenager years since I mean I had that phase too, like many others) and that question here really is that asking for confirmation that your self image of being someone gifted/special/weird/loner is still valid despite that going against how people who are seeking for sexual engagement is seen, since sexual attraction is something "shallow and not intellectual at all" by public view? There is nothing inherently "profound and deep" about being asexual on its own, it is simply related to one's sexual attraction levels- and sure, you can argue that what people might find "sexy" is bound to change with level of education/level of knowledge you have on human nature related areas, and I would agree that it probably has a hand or two in that, but aside from that, not really. You can be allosexual and have a great level of intelligence in any sort of area/gifted in one type of intelligence (not just typical math/logical intelligence- which also honestly is a whole another topic because you can be gifted in one area and absolutely suck in another, which is honestly human nature) or you can be someone who is not "gifted" in any kind of way but still be asexual. On "society being boring" topic, I truly do feel like that's something my teenage self would say because at the time I felt like no one really was aware of how messed up the world or humanity are, thinking I'm fooling people by acting different and weird and quirky but also knowing "how to manipulate people bc I'm so smart", so it is a sentiment I can sympathize with, but also a mindset that I find is rather unhealthy. People aren't that stupid, and just because you have different interests from them/neurodiversity doesn't mean you are any better or worse from them. You are you, and of course, you are the one who can decide what label fits your tendencies the best, but you don't have to be the "smartest, most aware, most calculative, always a step forward everyone else" to matter. That is not to say I think you are someone not as intelligent as you claim to be, you very well might be and if so, that's great that this is something you are aware of and can take pride in. This is just saying that, that is not your only value as a human being and that you don't have to clutch those labels to feel like you can only matter when you are acting accordingly to those labels- if you do feel sexual attraction/want to have sex, that doesn't mean this makes you any less "deep and mystical and intellectual", that just means that you simply feel sexual attraction. If you don't feel it, then that's okay too! It is not something that means you are broken in some way that you have to cover it with like "asexuals are deeper and more profound anyway" reasoning, is all I'm trying to say. I hope that I really didn't cross any borders here, and I apologize if I did so. I can delete this/ask a mod for this to be deleted if this is going against any of the rules or you feel discomfortable with this, I just wanted to chime in because given your other topic I've seen as well, that's what I personally picked up, and of course since I'm a random person on the internet I might have gotten this completely wrong- in which case, as I said, I will take back what I said.
  6. I would disagree they are more "privileged" by any means. As an AroAce, personally only time I actually need to bring my sexuality/romantic orientation up is to say I really am not into dating, which people rarely raise an eyebrow over since I'm known as that sort of weird but nice girl who is also kind of childish. Of course, being infantilized isn't good either, but it still means that only people that actually cares about my romantic life at all is some family members who are extremely into romance/sex, and aside from that, I don't get any active hatred for my orientation, mostly disbelief or "you will grow out of it" which again, isn't as good, but it is not being demonized for my orientation. (Though, it is still extremely arophobic and amatonormative which really gets on my nerves, but that's another topic) Allo Aros on the other hand, often are portrayed as the heartless cis-white-male-who-just-uses-girls-because-heteronormativity or slut-who-sleeps-with-everyone-because-we-only-sex-shame-AFAB/Female passing-people, it is something they likely end up facing a lot of people who does end up developing feelings for them/making them feel guilty for their orientation far more often especially if they are sexually active, from both family/friends and sexual partners/friends they also have sexual partnership with even when they try to make things clear right off the bat. I think you are downplaying how much many cultures/especially ones with Abrahamic religions as the major belief of the population, tends to demonize sex without marriage, even if they do go "sex with your Godly partner is sacred and valuable". So both from the general sex-shaming point of view, and also from the fact that fictional portrayals of such characters are rarely shown as anything good, often having some "dealing with their 'intimacy issues' and finally 'tying down' with a good pure partner they have a monogamous relationship with and 'learning to love', and if an antagonist even turning to the 'good side' because they 'learned how to love'", no. I don't think there is any privilage there.
  7. ApeironStella

    What Are You Listening To/Post A Song

    " Even if you're fake, you don't know just how much you've saved me. " " It’s just like in a masterpiece of a movie, like a manga that gives you goosebumps-- Just like a child, running about with their emotions overflowing-- This beautiful wonderful world-- this ugly pointless world-- ! Is breathing on even now, somehow, off of someone's lies And I’ll live on too, somehow, off of this fiction... " Being a sucker for fiction in general, one of my favourite producers making a song about it while also seeming to have a better life and more uplifting songs now, I can't help but love this song with every fiber of my being. Sure, while I was an angsty teenager, I adored the constant existential crisis in between daily mundane things vibe of his songs, but it is just good to see that he feels better too, you know?
  8. ApeironStella

    Aromanticism and Religion

    Grew up in an Islamic country, but honestly my parents never were extreme type of believers, my mother always openly being fairly critical of things that makes no sense to her when it comes to customs around it, while my father just kinda assumes that if you try to live a honest life then it is none of his business despite being religious himself. So I grew up being allowed to openly question all about "God" and existence and other religions, so I can't say I was ever truly believing in any religion since I knew myself. I go with Agnostic rather than Atheist, though it really is mostly that I really feel like I know or can know enough to call possibility of any, by our terms "supernatural" thing as complete bullshit given our limited senses, but I at the very least do feel like I know enough to know any major religion claiming to have the "knowledge of the world" and is built upon social power hierarchies that somehow always seems to absolutely coincidentally beneficial to whoever was in power at the time AND also to people trying to still stick with such rules sounds fairly dubious to say least. So somewhere on the agnostic/ignostic line of reasoning with functionally being an apatheist, open to possibility of but not actively into spirituality in the shortest terms.
  9. It is always hilarious to me when I realize that characters I'm writing, even when I don't hc them as aro and/or ace, turns out acting fairly like they are on the aro and/or ace spectrum bc I legit forget to add parts that supposedly makes their crush/attraction obvious and "realistic" bc such reactions feel so over the top and cringy, it feels like I'm writing some unrealistic and OOC scenario rather than how those things genuinely work.

     

    I'm too AroAce for someone who rps ship stuff mainly (though 99% of them can easily pass as close platonic bonds too since for me "shipping something" is "I'm so down for this both OTP and BROTP way, I just want to see them bond and be close to each other and suffer through a fuck ton of situations and bond over the trauma, having some kissy blushy moments are optional" basically.)

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Autumn

      Autumn

      Oh same here. A lot of my non aroace characters still feel that way, to the point where a few of them I realized might need slightly different labels. I only really tried to write a detailed, "normal" crush once and I dunno what hapened to it. Otherwise all my potential romances eventually end up platonic or platonic coded. 

    3. AutistAro

      AutistAro

      Lmao, I feel you dude. Makes me wonder how I managed to be so shippy before accepting my aroness. 

    4. Krispy OwO

      Krispy OwO

      @AutistAro  Truth.

      (p.s. I absolutely love your cover photo :))) two of my favourite bois.)

  10. ApeironStella

    Aro/Ace songs

    This song is so platonically wholesome and the group singing it is amazing that it brings tears to my eyes even now Edit: This song too!
  11. ApeironStella

    Aromantic Character Headcanons

    The Teacher from the Alice Mare is a huge hc for me. Also Mikado from 1BitHeart though he probably wasn't... Alice from Pandora Hearts most likely AroAce. Most likely Jack Vessalius too but... yeah. Allen Walker from D.Gray-man for AroAce too 💚💜 Probably more but can't think of atm. Also my AroAce OC though I guess that's canon
  12. ApeironStella

    Favourite Anime/Manga(s)?

    Title says it all people. Saw that there wasn't anything on anime/manga on forum and thought it would be a nice idea to create a topic for that. (please do delete this if there was one but search bar didn't show any) I think I will go first- My long time obsession, D.Gray-man. This one is a bit duh coming from me, but it is a lovely series. It starts with the "usual shounen formula" as the usual synopsis would lead one to think: "Losing a loved one is so painful that one may sometimes wish to be able to resurrect them—a weakness that the enigmatic Millennium Earl exploits. To make his mechanical weapons known as "Akuma," he uses the souls of the dead that are called back. Once a soul is placed in an Akuma, it is trapped forever, and the only way to save them is to exorcise them from their vessel using the Anti-Akuma weapon, "Innocence." After spending three years as the disciple of General Cross, Allen Walker is sent to the Black Order—an organization comprised of those willing to fight Akuma and the Millennium Earl—to become an official Exorcist. With an arm as his Innocence and a cursed eye that can see the suffering souls within an Akuma, it's up to Allen and his fellow Exorcists to stop the Millennium Earl's ultimate plot: one that can lead to the destruction of the world." It gets a lot more complicated pretty soon. Let's just say that Chapter 219 is almost universally agreed as the chapter you kind of realize you actually have no idea what is/was going on. It gets only more confusing as it goes on. Anime does kill some key details so I would suggest reading manga first. (Especially for some important, small details which does not show up on the anime- Ie. a family emblem on two characters' shoes which might and most likely has relation to another emblem we see later on and becomes an important thing. Which was not on the anime. Some fillers contradict canon as well. Also Cross' characterization there just spits on everything Hoshino Katsura -the mangaka- built him as.) Bonus: Hoshino's art is gosh dang beautiful. Check the spoiler for that https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiKYL7-SQaw One of the reasons I love it so much is because of how much Love theme is actually centered around ALL types of love. Familial love, Platonic friendship love, some Romantic love thrown in a few stories... Bonds between humans is such a major theme and I LOVE it. I also love that how they manage to pull it off without devaluing any sort of love there. As well as deliver some good mindfuck at the same time. Home/Family is a huge theme and without all the romance focus. I headcanon main character Allen Walker and possibly another main character Lenalee Lee as aros tbh. AroAce for Allen and AroPan for Lena maybe? She could be AroAce too but def somewhere on Aro spec. Both simply want a place to call home and people to call family and want to protect said home and people. Lenalee views her world as her friends, family. Allen simply wants to help everyone he can and finally, finally has a place he can call home now and people who tells him "Welcome back" and he can say "I'm home" to. Honestly I love this show you have no idea. So, what about you?
  13. ApeironStella

    Aros at family-orientated events and holidays

    We don't celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah where I live but we do have Muslim holidays/"Bayram"s and since I was never really interested in romance etc anyway, if they bring it up often times I just simply reiterate what I've been telling them for years. As it is something I was always vocal about, how romance is in everything and how unhealthy relationships are being pushed as romantic ideals in media etc, they honestly aren't even surprised even if there are still comments of "You will get it when you are older" or "Are you sure you are not hormonally deficient" or "So you won't marry like [insert a cousin from that side of the family that is 30+ ages old and still not married]" with a defeated/tired voice. (Second one only happened once with an aunt of mine so it is not a response I always get, though since I am only now 19 years old they probably took it as "just me being a ~child with no experience~ yet" until now.)
  14. ApeironStella

    Fantasising and Thoughts

    Hmm... I haven't recently, but at times when I was really close with any of my bestfriends, since they would be friends I met over internet, I would find myself thinking and getting giddy about meeting them in real life and doing things (often things like travelling together, spending just some time doing our own stuff in silence, doing silly pranks, watching our favourite shows, having talks on topics that connected us in the first place while face to face for once, making an origami gift for them which I still do like thinking about because I like making things, handmade things for people I like? And imagining silly adventures with said friend and our OCs or favourite characters which we might or might not have rped as etc.) but it is a lot different than what people describe with a crush. I daydreamed of silly, funny, cozy scenarios with a lighthearted yet close, homey feeling than all the "butterflies and nervousness" "wanting to do romantic and/or sexual stuff" with them etc. Also, it often happens when I first met said person, when I was just starting to get closer to and or just started to talk as much with them, it gets really intense for a while and fades away eventually into a "they are really precious for me but I could do without talking as much with them so long as we still can talk whenever we feel like or need to" I suppose I do get overly attached at any person I really like at first, but again, it is somehow wanting to gain their respect and admiration, affection so that they would want to be around you as much as you want theirs, so that was something I coined as "admiration crush" to a person I was squishing really hard with to describe how it is different from normal crushes before I even heard about aromanticism/squishes. It passes when I do know that person now values me too and we are close and that they trust me, it just fades to that general warm feeling of a good/close friendship.
  15. ApeironStella

    #AromanticProblems

    Which is funny in hindsight to me because I precisely avoid spending a lot of time on my outlook partly to avoid having anyone who could hit on me or have a crush on me because the idea that someone could think of me that way feels icky to me and I am quite prone to being guilt tripped so it is bound to be a disaster if I actually were to look ~attractive~ and had to deal with others'.
  16. ApeironStella

    Aromantic Character Headcanons

    !!! I have A LOT of headcanons tbh. Mostly aroaces, with a few aropans I think? The Author from Gravity Falls always just gave me... The Aro Vibe. He is just fine with chasing after mysteries than he is willing to actually marry or date someone and says that he finds that whole romance thing more mind-boggling than actual supernatural/alien stuff. More on weirder side for this but I kinda... hc Mabel as aro pan or pan ace? I can see either and with how much she overly focuses on romance, it somehow gave me the vibe of "overdoing to compensate for lack of it" but probably not. Not exactly headcanon but in a Gravity Falls AU called Transcendence AU, Dipper is canonically aroace. (More like grey-ro het in actual canon imo but honestly would love to hc him as aroace too) From D.Gray-man, main character Allen Walker honestly gives me a really strong aroace vibe? He is just. Not really interested and into those things, he would rather focus on the war first. With Lavi, it is probs again either panace or panaro bc this bunny /does/ crush on a hella lot people be it male or female BUT it also has this "admiration crush" squish vibe to them whenever he isn't just flailing about how beautiful a girl is so I can argue either for him but at the very least he gives a demi vibe for romantic attraction. Also not sure if aropan or aroace for Lena too because she is really Relatable about just wanting to be peaceful and safe with people she sees family, home with and doesn't really spend time on romance stuff at all from what I can recall? But also seeing her crush on Anita would be really cute so. But honestly, probably not. From Hetalia, my old fandom that I was in for ages, despite shipping him with many people, aroace Arthur Kirkland/England was always a hc close to my heart. Because honestly? I can see that. He really isn't interested in romance stuff and I do believe that Alfred/America is still like a little brother that he was more parent-esque than anything romantic. I really loved his friendship with Kiku/Japan in the series, it just reminded me my own BFF who I was in a QPR with and myself since we are both really similar to Arthur and Kiku respectively. Also pan-demiro pan-demisexual Matthew/Canada is a hc I refuse to ever give up. I honestly do want to hc some Assassination Classroom characters aro too but... maybe Karma and/or Nagisa but due to how manga is set, they are probably both hetero and probs will end up with a girl (possibly Manami and Kayano) so... Also Uryuu Ishida from Bleach is probs aroace too, now that I think about it? He was %9000 fine with just watching one of his BFF's box match during his break as he was working at hospital than ending up with someone romantically, especially with manga confirming a few ships at the end? Those are the ones I could think of on top of my head, might add more later on. Edit: HOW COULD I FORGET HARUHI. She is so aroace, yes! She was only shoujo reverse harem protag I could relate to. Ouran is like... one of the really few somewhat romance-focused shoujo series I could bear to watch and it was all due to her aroness and being the Sane One to Host Club Hijinks. Kyoya is really likely too, I have a fondness for him but not to "I feel you" level it is with Haruhi.
  17. Okay so, I kind of have this "?????" in my brain when it comes to gender. In fact, I always kind of had that, I would get confused when doing something would be assigned to a sex/gender ever since I was a child, and I never felt like... a "proper girl"? I always feel like my thinking pattern would be closer to what people tend to associate with "masculine", while I tend to act a bit more "feminine". And other than listing stereotypes, I have no absolute idea what is even supposed to be a clue of a gender/sense of gender. Female only slightly seems to fit, as that's something I am used to but always felt somehow "off", while male seems to be more off. I always saw people as gender-neutral beings and keep being surprised by people "feeling their gender and showing it to a high degree" as it just ??? Does not compute in my mind. I tend to act and dress in a more androgyne manner, though I don't mind dressing differently. I just... always tend to feel a lot more comfortable when I don't really show-off to others in any possible way, so that kinda leaks to that too? Also, being aroace and living in the country I do, I always kinda befriended girls because I felt unsafe with boys (as our current laws pretty much would blame me if I ever got raped and I suck at knowing or feeling safe with any show of attraction from anyone, particularly cis boys here.) but??? Our mindsets never seemed close with them, and I tend to end up relating with people I seem to code in my mind as "gives a gender neutral vibe". I used demigirl for a while but... that doesn't feel right, either? I saw gendervoid and it felt like it fit me the most, but it was one of pretty ridiculated ones so I don't know... Ps. Gendervoid was coined to seperate neutrois (which is used as a sense of third gender) and sense of ???? having no gender (aka gendervoid) since both tend to be described under "agender" label depending to people? I don't know it that changed/get resolved as a split of agender/neutrois.
  18. Sigh. Checking Tumblr aroace tag always seems to bring up so many "not all aces are aro" posts with "Aces can love" thrown in most of them too. Yes, they can and yes you are annoyed at that but can they please stop tagging it as aroace? Same thing happens a lot on aro tag too, a lot of ace positivity posts with no real connection to aromanticism and it is a lot rarer to see viceversa and it gets just Tiring even if I am also ace too. I can't imagine how tiring it gets for non ace aros.

  19. ApeironStella

    Have you ever been in a relationship?

    As in romantic relationship.... kind of? Thing is, all three times we counted as "dating" but they were all a bit of weird cases. (All three were online cases as well, felt the need to add.) First one was one of the guys I talked with about Pokemon on fb, he was being all sad and needy and I was just being supportive towards him. Then later on he asked if we could date and I was just like "Eh what? Uh... I never dated anyone and I am curious actually, why not? Sounds fun." and we just spent about a week or two talking a lot and I just went all talking about a wedding etc (what? Pokemon themed cosplay wedding with a Latios and Latias cake would be really nice okay? I was just letting my zany imagination go nuts with all the themes we could pull with other fictional series too, it was more like he was just a "stand in" for me to imagine it, it wasn't a 'I want him' but more of 'Oh I gotta have someone with me at that spectacular party right') and then when he said he wanted to 'break up', I was just chill? I was just "Oh okay, sounds good." and funny thing is my bestfriend got really angry and upset in my place and what he said to her made her sad and THEN I was angry at him because no one hurts my BFF. Second one was a girl I used to rp with and we used to make our characters fall in love and all, and since I usually get far too emotionally invested in rps (Ie I can't play and at the time even was worse at playing a "bad character" because I would feel a compulsive need to apologize and stop doing all the horrible stuff even if it is fictional, I also was depressed for three days after a rp about two brothers with another bestie to the point of barely having any appetite while I actually eat a lot usually.) so I thought my positive feelings about her might be a crush. After we started 'dating', it was still fairly same though, since I would make 'we are wife and husband' jokes with my close friends all the times. Now it was just more 'official' of a joke. There wasn't any messy break up but I then found out she wasn't exactly mentally stable and that there were a lot of things I didn't know which ended up with talking less. (I barely knew anything about her real life and I never really even felt the need to ask about it and I think this should tell just how much I was removed from actual crush compenent of whole dating thing.) Third one is a bit different since she was a rper too but I actually was annoyed at her at-the-time-snobbish-looking-actions and started talking with her more as a challenge. Then found out that we were pretty similar and quickly became closer. And thing is, I get really excited when someone wants to talk about topics I care about. REALLY excited. And since we had so much in common in the way of thinking and things we liked, it was an instant "I want to hug your brain so tight and cry you are precious and I would kill anyone who ever dares to touch you ahhhhhhhhhhh idk what to do with those big emotions and I don't even know what they are but I just feel like b u r s t i n g"-ish and I actually ended up asking her how crushes worked. (before I had even an idea of what the word aromantic meant) She tried to explain it three different ways but I couldn't see how it differed from what I felt for her and any person I get really attached to (though maybe I should correct this since often times, I don't even know their real names and I am attached to the topic we talk about, their ideas thoughts and words than an actual living person with their own history?) and asked her if it would be okay to try dating. We tried but more and more I found it all awkward and fake more I continued- While as a friend I wanted to make origami flowers for her printing out music sheets because she was a musician and I knew that she would really like that kind of gift, as a 'lover' all I did was asking her to play Antichamber together and keep acting mostly same but feeling like I should've acted differently. Again, some unrelated things happened and as second case we never officially 'break up' but it kinda faded away as well. First one was more to "see what the all talk about this dating things was" with some "fitting in" thrown in, second one was "I really want to try dating someone and I really like you and you really like me so wanna try?", third one had that of second one too but also more of "I am fascinated by the person you are" thrown in too. But it just? Faded away as well, we would work a lot better as friends. So I guess I am not really grey or demi (I thought I was pan-demi for a long time because I mistakened those squishes as crushes as well as didn't understand what crushes were at all so my whole stance on romance was "If I have a close friend who I really like and find their thoughts similar to mine in key topics in life, I wouldn't mind marrying them and having fun with them and talking with them from life's mysteries to a video game lore because why would I marry someone who wouldn't match my mental wavelength wtf no also why would gender matter, I care about brains not outlooks". Again, not surprised that I didn't even see how 'being attracted to specific gender-s-" is an actual thing and not just being close minded.) I am 18 and all three happened when I was younger so for me, it kind of is not a question that I likely don't feel those crush stuff especially with those three cases? Basically, how I even viewed dating came from a lot more of playful way, as well as with some genuine platonic love thrown into the mix, but it never just 'developed into' romance even if I did try giving it a shot?
  20. ApeironStella

    What would you say to your younger self?

    You will be alright. Things may seem and feel like a mess right now, but you will make it through and things do get better. It is hard for you to just relax and not overthink things, but also give yourself some breathing room: You are only human like everyone else and you aren't being fair to yourself even if you are trying to be understanding and fair towards others all the time. Give some of that compassion to yourself, you deserve it. Also, people start to make more sense as you get older- not in "they act more logical/sensible" way but more in "people never were designed to be constantly sensible/logical beings and we work with hormones so it is only logical that we are not always logical, we are just organic beings under countless influences including whimsical nature of energy/matter to start with" way. Also, maybe you should give a bit thought to if what you really want is a lover, because you don't even value actual romantic part of the relationship but only want some mindmate to yourself who you can relax and feel secure with. You will meet some amazing people and sometimes you will seperate your ways, you will have things you will feel guilty for but also things you will be proud of. So, relax. You will be fine. You are only human, I am repeating this because you never hold yourself to same expectations compared to what you expect from other people. You still will be a lil dweeb interested in characters, stories, personality theories though. You will also regain your childish&lively spirit you lost for a while.
  21. One thing I am really glad about and keep talking about D.Gray-man everywhere is, because of the theme of love in the series. Theme of love as in every possible way, with family love especially being given front seat. There is friendship, comradeship, family, some romance, overall pretty human characters all having people they care about and trying to protect ones they care and spending their down times together to recover from bad things that happened. As it is also a tragedy series, there are a lot of bad stuff happening but it is not ignored by characters, instead they accept what happened has happened and try to move on and spend their current time together with people who cares about them and people who they care about.

     

    Even one of the villains who is crushing on main character is written beautifully in the way of saying "I love Allen but family comes first. I am sure you would understand this too, Allen." even if later on, she doesn't mind risking her own life for him. Idk I really love that there is no "girl in love makes the guy only priority" at that scene, as well as in general?

     

    And maybe it is because of the side of fandom I am hanging around with, but there isn't much heteronormative ship wars unlike Bleach or Naruto. Fandom is often half dead due to not being that popular by now but people who are there are often people who has been into it for years or even if they newly found it they end up joining said seasoned fandom people in the end because just like the series, it is homey?

     

    Idk I am just glad to be a part of this fandom and so glad that I found this series in the first place, all the good wishes to mangaka and hope she gets well:candy:

  22. ApeironStella

    You might be aro if...

    YMBAI you always ended up making jokes about being "wife/husband" with your closest friends and you were always so close that you always ended up questioning if that it was 'something else' because society says if it is that close, it MUST BE 'stepping into romance zone' but anytime you try it, it just gets really awkward and off so you revert back to BFF status. EDIT: Oh gosh this so much. I had a friend I really respected and liked and would just love to hug her brain because she was WONDERFUL, but??? Since I obsessed so much over her, I tried to date with her but it then all felt weird. I just ended up 'treating her as a friend' as you say. We kinda never exactly break up verbally but it was obvious that we didn't work out that way and there were other reasons we don't talk much now but I would LOVE to brainstorm with her again. 10/10 would love to be BFFs and/or sibling-ish friends with her again.
  23. ApeironStella

    I'd rather ... than get Married

    I'd rather live in D.Gray-man universe than get married. Spoilerific image to TVTropes explaining what kind of world it is:
  24. Only reason why I even know some of the more popular love songs is not because I actually like them but I love the AMVs/MADs/MEPs/MMVs they were used in and I can only think of the song with the scenes from the video and I can not hate or feel fully disgusted with them being tied to something I love???

  25. ApeironStella

    Crush vs Squish

    Hmm for me, there is a bit of possessiveness/jealousy in a weird way, though it is not due to any romantic feeling but simply because of how hard it is for me to get really close to someone. I would feel like I am not good enough when I see someone else is closer to said person, friendship-wise. It is kind of a third wheel friend feeling but other two sides aren't dating either. It probably has a lot to do with my self-esteem, though I don't act on it whenever that happens and instead simply act as its nothing. (there have been cases where a bestfriend at the time would befriend another really close friend/bestfriend of mine and leave me out of the loop so...I think it is a bit fair to be afraid of that?) But other than that, agreed with first list. Though, I sometimes freeze in front of people I really respect too? Maybe it has to do with RSD if I do have ADHD though, so that's an aside thing. It is not that I am afraid they wouldn't find me "compatible" in a romantic situation way but a lot more of "I really do care about your thoughts on topics because you did show me that you make sense and actually have respectable personality and I would like to be someone you would respect too so we can exchange thoughts on things as equals" thingy.
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