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About ApeironStella

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    probs agender
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    My mindscape
  • Occupation
    Translating and Interpretation Undergraduate
  • Romanticism
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  1. Aromantic Character Headcanons

    !!! I have A LOT of headcanons tbh. Mostly aroaces, with a few aropans I think? The Author from Gravity Falls always just gave me... The Aro Vibe. He is just fine with chasing after mysteries than he is willing to actually marry or date someone and says that he finds that whole romance thing more mind-boggling than actual supernatural/alien stuff. More on weirder side for this but I kinda... hc Mabel as aro pan or pan ace? I can see either and with how much she overly focuses on romance, it somehow gave me the vibe of "overdoing to compensate for lack of it" but probably not. Not exactly headcanon but in a Gravity Falls AU called Transcendence AU, Dipper is canonically aroace. (More like grey-ro het in actual canon imo but honestly would love to hc him as aroace too) From D.Gray-man, main character Allen Walker honestly gives me a really strong aroace vibe? He is just. Not really interested and into those things, he would rather focus on the war first. With Lavi, it is probs again either panace or panaro bc this bunny /does/ crush on a hella lot people be it male or female BUT it also has this "admiration crush" squish vibe to them whenever he isn't just flailing about how beautiful a girl is so I can argue either for him but at the very least he gives a demi vibe for romantic attraction. Also not sure if aropan or aroace for Lena too because she is really Relatable about just wanting to be peaceful and safe with people she sees family, home with and doesn't really spend time on romance stuff at all from what I can recall? But also seeing her crush on Anita would be really cute so. But honestly, probably not. From Hetalia, my old fandom that I was in for ages, despite shipping him with many people, aroace Arthur Kirkland/England was always a hc close to my heart. Because honestly? I can see that. He really isn't interested in romance stuff and I do believe that Alfred/America is still like a little brother that he was more parent-esque than anything romantic. I really loved his friendship with Kiku/Japan in the series, it just reminded me my own BFF who I was in a QPR with and myself since we are both really similar to Arthur and Kiku respectively. Also pan-demiro pan-demisexual Matthew/Canada is a hc I refuse to ever give up. I honestly do want to hc some Assassination Classroom characters aro too but... maybe Karma and/or Nagisa but due to how manga is set, they are probably both hetero and probs will end up with a girl (possibly Manami and Kayano) so... Also Uryuu Ishida from Bleach is probs aroace too, now that I think about it? He was %9000 fine with just watching one of his BFF's box match during his break as he was working at hospital than ending up with someone romantically, especially with manga confirming a few ships at the end? Those are the ones I could think of on top of my head, might add more later on. Edit: HOW COULD I FORGET HARUHI. She is so aroace, yes! She was only shoujo reverse harem protag I could relate to. Ouran is like... one of the really few somewhat romance-focused shoujo series I could bear to watch and it was all due to her aroness and being the Sane One to Host Club Hijinks. Kyoya is really likely too, I have a fondness for him but not to "I feel you" level it is with Haruhi.
  2. Sigh. Checking Tumblr aroace tag always seems to bring up so many "not all aces are aro" posts with "Aces can love" thrown in most of them too. Yes, they can and yes you are annoyed at that but can they please stop tagging it as aroace? Same thing happens a lot on aro tag too, a lot of ace positivity posts with no real connection to aromanticism and it is a lot rarer to see viceversa and it gets just Tiring even if I am also ace too. I can't imagine how tiring it gets for non ace aros.

  3. Have you ever been in a relationship?

    As in romantic relationship.... kind of? Thing is, all three times we counted as "dating" but they were all a bit of weird cases. (All three were online cases as well, felt the need to add.) First one was one of the guys I talked with about Pokemon on fb, he was being all sad and needy and I was just being supportive towards him. Then later on he asked if we could date and I was just like "Eh what? Uh... I never dated anyone and I am curious actually, why not? Sounds fun." and we just spent about a week or two talking a lot and I just went all talking about a wedding etc (what? Pokemon themed cosplay wedding with a Latios and Latias cake would be really nice okay? I was just letting my zany imagination go nuts with all the themes we could pull with other fictional series too, it was more like he was just a "stand in" for me to imagine it, it wasn't a 'I want him' but more of 'Oh I gotta have someone with me at that spectacular party right') and then when he said he wanted to 'break up', I was just chill? I was just "Oh okay, sounds good." and funny thing is my bestfriend got really angry and upset in my place and what he said to her made her sad and THEN I was angry at him because no one hurts my BFF. Second one was a girl I used to rp with and we used to make our characters fall in love and all, and since I usually get far too emotionally invested in rps (Ie I can't play and at the time even was worse at playing a "bad character" because I would feel a compulsive need to apologize and stop doing all the horrible stuff even if it is fictional, I also was depressed for three days after a rp about two brothers with another bestie to the point of barely having any appetite while I actually eat a lot usually.) so I thought my positive feelings about her might be a crush. After we started 'dating', it was still fairly same though, since I would make 'we are wife and husband' jokes with my close friends all the times. Now it was just more 'official' of a joke. There wasn't any messy break up but I then found out she wasn't exactly mentally stable and that there were a lot of things I didn't know which ended up with talking less. (I barely knew anything about her real life and I never really even felt the need to ask about it and I think this should tell just how much I was removed from actual crush compenent of whole dating thing.) Third one is a bit different since she was a rper too but I actually was annoyed at her at-the-time-snobbish-looking-actions and started talking with her more as a challenge. Then found out that we were pretty similar and quickly became closer. And thing is, I get really excited when someone wants to talk about topics I care about. REALLY excited. And since we had so much in common in the way of thinking and things we liked, it was an instant "I want to hug your brain so tight and cry you are precious and I would kill anyone who ever dares to touch you ahhhhhhhhhhh idk what to do with those big emotions and I don't even know what they are but I just feel like b u r s t i n g"-ish and I actually ended up asking her how crushes worked. (before I had even an idea of what the word aromantic meant) She tried to explain it three different ways but I couldn't see how it differed from what I felt for her and any person I get really attached to (though maybe I should correct this since often times, I don't even know their real names and I am attached to the topic we talk about, their ideas thoughts and words than an actual living person with their own history?) and asked her if it would be okay to try dating. We tried but more and more I found it all awkward and fake more I continued- While as a friend I wanted to make origami flowers for her printing out music sheets because she was a musician and I knew that she would really like that kind of gift, as a 'lover' all I did was asking her to play Antichamber together and keep acting mostly same but feeling like I should've acted differently. Again, some unrelated things happened and as second case we never officially 'break up' but it kinda faded away as well. First one was more to "see what the all talk about this dating things was" with some "fitting in" thrown in, second one was "I really want to try dating someone and I really like you and you really like me so wanna try?", third one had that of second one too but also more of "I am fascinated by the person you are" thrown in too. But it just? Faded away as well, we would work a lot better as friends. So I guess I am not really grey or demi (I thought I was pan-demi for a long time because I mistakened those squishes as crushes as well as didn't understand what crushes were at all so my whole stance on romance was "If I have a close friend who I really like and find their thoughts similar to mine in key topics in life, I wouldn't mind marrying them and having fun with them and talking with them from life's mysteries to a video game lore because why would I marry someone who wouldn't match my mental wavelength wtf no also why would gender matter, I care about brains not outlooks". Again, not surprised that I didn't even see how 'being attracted to specific gender-s-" is an actual thing and not just being close minded.) I am 18 and all three happened when I was younger so for me, it kind of is not a question that I likely don't feel those crush stuff especially with those three cases? Basically, how I even viewed dating came from a lot more of playful way, as well as with some genuine platonic love thrown into the mix, but it never just 'developed into' romance even if I did try giving it a shot?
  4. What would you say to your younger self?

    You will be alright. Things may seem and feel like a mess right now, but you will make it through and things do get better. It is hard for you to just relax and not overthink things, but also give yourself some breathing room: You are only human like everyone else and you aren't being fair to yourself even if you are trying to be understanding and fair towards others all the time. Give some of that compassion to yourself, you deserve it. Also, people start to make more sense as you get older- not in "they act more logical/sensible" way but more in "people never were designed to be constantly sensible/logical beings and we work with hormones so it is only logical that we are not always logical, we are just organic beings under countless influences including whimsical nature of energy/matter to start with" way. Also, maybe you should give a bit thought to if what you really want is a lover, because you don't even value actual romantic part of the relationship but only want some mindmate to yourself who you can relax and feel secure with. You will meet some amazing people and sometimes you will seperate your ways, you will have things you will feel guilty for but also things you will be proud of. So, relax. You will be fine. You are only human, I am repeating this because you never hold yourself to same expectations compared to what you expect from other people. You still will be a lil dweeb interested in characters, stories, personality theories though. You will also regain your childish&lively spirit you lost for a while.
  5. One thing I am really glad about and keep talking about D.Gray-man everywhere is, because of the theme of love in the series. Theme of love as in every possible way, with family love especially being given front seat. There is friendship, comradeship, family, some romance, overall pretty human characters all having people they care about and trying to protect ones they care and spending their down times together to recover from bad things that happened. As it is also a tragedy series, there are a lot of bad stuff happening but it is not ignored by characters, instead they accept what happened has happened and try to move on and spend their current time together with people who cares about them and people who they care about.


    Even one of the villains who is crushing on main character is written beautifully in the way of saying "I love Allen but family comes first. I am sure you would understand this too, Allen." even if later on, she doesn't mind risking her own life for him. Idk I really love that there is no "girl in love makes the guy only priority" at that scene, as well as in general?


    And maybe it is because of the side of fandom I am hanging around with, but there isn't much heteronormative ship wars unlike Bleach or Naruto. Fandom is often half dead due to not being that popular by now but people who are there are often people who has been into it for years or even if they newly found it they end up joining said seasoned fandom people in the end because just like the series, it is homey?


    Idk I am just glad to be a part of this fandom and so glad that I found this series in the first place, all the good wishes to mangaka and hope she gets well:candy:

  6. You might be aro if...

    YMBAI you always ended up making jokes about being "wife/husband" with your closest friends and you were always so close that you always ended up questioning if that it was 'something else' because society says if it is that close, it MUST BE 'stepping into romance zone' but anytime you try it, it just gets really awkward and off so you revert back to BFF status. EDIT: Oh gosh this so much. I had a friend I really respected and liked and would just love to hug her brain because she was WONDERFUL, but??? Since I obsessed so much over her, I tried to date with her but it then all felt weird. I just ended up 'treating her as a friend' as you say. We kinda never exactly break up verbally but it was obvious that we didn't work out that way and there were other reasons we don't talk much now but I would LOVE to brainstorm with her again. 10/10 would love to be BFFs and/or sibling-ish friends with her again.
  7. I'd rather ... than get Married

    I'd rather live in D.Gray-man universe than get married. Spoilerific image to TVTropes explaining what kind of world it is:
  8. Only reason why I even know some of the more popular love songs is not because I actually like them but I love the AMVs/MADs/MEPs/MMVs they were used in and I can only think of the song with the scenes from the video and I can not hate or feel fully disgusted with them being tied to something I love???

  9. Crush vs Squish

    Hmm for me, there is a bit of possessiveness/jealousy in a weird way, though it is not due to any romantic feeling but simply because of how hard it is for me to get really close to someone. I would feel like I am not good enough when I see someone else is closer to said person, friendship-wise. It is kind of a third wheel friend feeling but other two sides aren't dating either. It probably has a lot to do with my self-esteem, though I don't act on it whenever that happens and instead simply act as its nothing. (there have been cases where a bestfriend at the time would befriend another really close friend/bestfriend of mine and leave me out of the loop so...I think it is a bit fair to be afraid of that?) But other than that, agreed with first list. Though, I sometimes freeze in front of people I really respect too? Maybe it has to do with RSD if I do have ADHD though, so that's an aside thing. It is not that I am afraid they wouldn't find me "compatible" in a romantic situation way but a lot more of "I really do care about your thoughts on topics because you did show me that you make sense and actually have respectable personality and I would like to be someone you would respect too so we can exchange thoughts on things as equals" thingy.
  10. So I have to stay with a whole week with my father bc stuff happened... this is going to be a really awkward week.

  11. #AromanticProblems

    Aro problem: "Eh I guess I am straight?" "Actually wait no, I am not particularly attracted to girls/boys then I must be gay/lesbian" "Wait not that too, I am not exactly particularly attracted to boys/girls too... bi then?" "Ooooh Pan makes sense." "...wait. You can be not attracted to anyone? Nice." "...I miiight be demi actually. I really like getting close to people and only then feel some strong pull towards them" "...Okay but what is romantic attraction? Isn't crushes just overreacted obsessions?" "Wait that does not seem like it..." "What???? Is????? A???? Crush????" "Ok I am Quoiromantic then because again wtf is a crush" "...hold on what do you mean not being able to understand what a crush is a sign of aromanticism?" "How do you even know you are aro for sure?????????" "...Uh, I might take it on and try it, I guess...? Wouldn't hurt...." "Holy hell everything makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE NOW????" "Lmao yea I am an aro and I %9000 don't get this romance stuff so huh."
  12. So I finally got a psychologist appointment tomorrow but I still high key feel like I am just exaggerating stuff but... Is living your life vicariously through fictional characters with really low concern on your own life unless in immediate danger and seeing human relations pointless unless you are talking about something you like/having trouble with talking anything but your interests and sometimes getting really obsessed with them count as normal/healthy? I... don't feel like I have any goals in life, really, for a long time by now haha. I can drown that sense of pointlessness by diving even further into a series or theory or whatever but it never disappears and I just... worry that I am making a fuss. I tried to explain that to my mother, who is p much really asocial herself as well as likely has some problems of her own, and she says that I could see one if I wanted to but really skeptical of it and??? I don't even fully trust my memory or my feelings tbh and the close friend who said that I most likely should see someone for stuff did say that I often act really self-depricating and have a pretty low self esteem, which rangs rather true. I just... I just don't know, haha. I at least don't think it is unipolar depression at any rate because I can be happy/feel a whole range of emotions if I focus on anything but myself, but there is maybe... something off? Idk.

    1. Momo


      If you've already got an appointment then go. Worst case, you talk for an hour, go home and never do anything about it again. They make for a good sounding board since they have a reasonable understanding of what 'average' actually entails.


      Seeing a psychologist isn't such a bad thing though. There's a lot of stigma around mental health in general - but really, seeing one every so often even if you don't feel like there's an issue isn't such a bad idea. People get regular physicals - why not a regular check in with a psychologist?


      In my experience, it's a good thing. The couple I've seen have been really good for me. I'd encourage everyone to see one semi-regularly (like, yearly or even every other year) if they are able even if they don't think there's anything wrong.

  13. I probably have something wrong with me... As it was brought up as I was talking to an old bestfriend, I really do have some... fixation problems. I just. Obsess over someone or something really bad at times and even people I normally do care about doesn't feel like they matter at those times. I still try to act normal to them but just. Barely tolerate them. And like. When I am out of that obsessing period, then I have a not caring about anything stage and kinda return back to normal but then feel hallow inside. It can be character, person I really admire, a story, a rp, a personality theory, anything. And that can be really bad for human interactions because I really don't care most of the time and feel like I am just faking it often times. Also, since I am still a human being I might end up talking with someone about what I was obsessing over too if they really like it too, which might lead to a randomly made friendship and since emotions there are INTENSE I don't even realize that we barely know anything about each other but feel pretty attached to each other by then and when my interest to topic cools down, there is often some messy friendship breaks.....any idea what the problem might be? Don't wanna go to see some professional help without at least some idea of what it might be?

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Untamed Heart

      Untamed Heart

      No worries about the long reply :) more detail is better if you go to someone for a diagnosis, anyway.

      I'm not going to say it's definitely autism, but I have been through periods that sound quite similar, and I was diagnosed with Asperger's (now apparently a defunct term) when I was 17. I didn't find out until about 10 years later, but I can definitely see that I hyperfixated on certain people and somewhat neglected others in the mean time. One guy I was fixated on (for over a year, maybe two) I walked away from with barely a second thought a few weeks after I "woke up" from it. I also have weird mood swings/fluctuating interest (like, intense interest/happiness, then literal depression/anxiety/low or no interest for a while but wondering why the hell my feelings went away) in most of the people I develop a crush on. But I also get the 'feeling close without really knowing them that well' thing. God, I loathe it!

      But I agree it could be autism, ADHD, BPD or hyperfixation (or some kind of combination of any of those). 


    3. ApeironStella


      @Untamed Heart Thank you! And I considered Asperger's before learning it was a defunct term, so yes. And exactly! Once I feel like I "know" them, "get waked up", I just... have no problem dropping someone like a hot potato and yes, neglecting others is there as well. Only difference is, I don't really get crushes so it was even more confusing for me because when I tried to date them thinking it was a crush, it would just go "????? what wait no that's not right" in my brain. Only second guessing is really for how other side would feel, since I kinda have a huge problem with guilt trips? And I agree/have the same fluctuating interest thing as well! But thing is, sometimes I probably don't even feel that for the person but simply feel it for the topic we were talking about, so that's when it gets messy with "feeling close without really knowing them that well" thingy. Because I do horrible with actual human interactions, so yeah, might be somewhere on autism spec too, maybe?


      BPD seems to be least likely at this point since my mood do fluctuate a lot during day but it always match whatever I was thinking/experiencing. So it is not BPD kind of out of control but still pretty changing? And well... There is one psychologist close enough I could find, but I still have this "am I over-exaggerating" sense and since my mother was saying same thing too, not so certain about having a visit rn. (which is funny because this is something I was aware of for... 6-7 years by now? Like, the sense of something is just..off? thingy.)



    4. Untamed Heart

      Untamed Heart

      I think you would probably benefit from going. I know I felt a kind of relief when I found out, because I did have that feeling something was 'off' and I could never put my finger on it, though it seemed like everyone else (i.e. horrible kids at school) could see how I was different. I'm not great at the interaction thing either - if I had millions I'd probably end up living as a semi-recluse or something xD 

      It's still your call at the end of the day, but I wish you luck whatever you decide to do :) 

  14. #AromanticProblems

    Dunno if this is an Aro or me thing but when I say "I ship it", I mean it as "I would take any kind of strong bond between those two characters as long as it is healthy and I can feel the tenderness/affection in the air- be it them being siblings or zucchinis or lovers I simply love seeing them interact and care for each other and all the tender love (not necessarily romantic)" and like I have two "OTPs" in my current fandom and was talking to a friend who actually is not a multishipper and has this One True Love thingy for characters and doesn't feel comfortable with QPR stuff. So after I was blabbering about one of said OTPs she was asking what I thought as "What do you think makes a ship canon" and I was like "???? That depends? Idk man I ship so many non-canon ships too, I am simply here for interesting dynamics and how things can play between characters, so I am probably wrong person to ask this to bc I can't even see that couple in that romance series as romantic but still hc them as QPPs despite it being "canon". " Idk man I just??? Love character interactions and how things can go and to see two or more characters caring about each other, I would take??? Almost any "ship" in almost any possible way??? And the ones I get obsessed with as "OTP" are the ones I just??? Find most interesting to talk about, not necessarily ones with "more romance points" like that's some sort of a race most people in fandoms make it out to be??? Eh. Video game OSTs and Anime OPs/Endings are like only thing I listen by now so I feel this....... Also OST remix too.
  15. How far do you have to fall to like Sonic 06 unironically bc I love watching how broken that game is and what the plot is even