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About ApeironStella

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    probs agender
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    My mindscape
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    Translating and Interpretation Undergraduate
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  1. So I have to stay with a whole week with my father bc stuff happened... this is going to be a really awkward week.

  2. Aro problem: "Eh I guess I am straight?" "Actually wait no, I am not particularly attracted to girls/boys then I must be gay/lesbian" "Wait not that too, I am not exactly particularly attracted to boys/girls too... bi then?" "Ooooh Pan makes sense." "...wait. You can be not attracted to anyone? Nice." "...I miiight be demi actually. I really like getting close to people and only then feel some strong pull towards them" "...Okay but what is romantic attraction? Isn't crushes just overreacted obsessions?" "Wait that does not seem like it..." "What???? Is????? A???? Crush????" "Ok I am Quoiromantic then because again wtf is a crush" "...hold on what do you mean not being able to understand what a crush is a sign of aromanticism?" "How do you even know you are aro for sure?????????" "...Uh, I might take it on and try it, I guess...? Wouldn't hurt...." "Holy hell everything makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE NOW????" "Lmao yea I am an aro and I %9000 don't get this romance stuff so huh."
  3. So I finally got a psychologist appointment tomorrow but I still high key feel like I am just exaggerating stuff but... Is living your life vicariously through fictional characters with really low concern on your own life unless in immediate danger and seeing human relations pointless unless you are talking about something you like/having trouble with talking anything but your interests and sometimes getting really obsessed with them count as normal/healthy? I... don't feel like I have any goals in life, really, for a long time by now haha. I can drown that sense of pointlessness by diving even further into a series or theory or whatever but it never disappears and I just... worry that I am making a fuss. I tried to explain that to my mother, who is p much really asocial herself as well as likely has some problems of her own, and she says that I could see one if I wanted to but really skeptical of it and??? I don't even fully trust my memory or my feelings tbh and the close friend who said that I most likely should see someone for stuff did say that I often act really self-depricating and have a pretty low self esteem, which rangs rather true. I just... I just don't know, haha. I at least don't think it is unipolar depression at any rate because I can be happy/feel a whole range of emotions if I focus on anything but myself, but there is maybe... something off? Idk.

    1. Momo


      If you've already got an appointment then go. Worst case, you talk for an hour, go home and never do anything about it again. They make for a good sounding board since they have a reasonable understanding of what 'average' actually entails.


      Seeing a psychologist isn't such a bad thing though. There's a lot of stigma around mental health in general - but really, seeing one every so often even if you don't feel like there's an issue isn't such a bad idea. People get regular physicals - why not a regular check in with a psychologist?


      In my experience, it's a good thing. The couple I've seen have been really good for me. I'd encourage everyone to see one semi-regularly (like, yearly or even every other year) if they are able even if they don't think there's anything wrong.

  4. I probably have something wrong with me... As it was brought up as I was talking to an old bestfriend, I really do have some... fixation problems. I just. Obsess over someone or something really bad at times and even people I normally do care about doesn't feel like they matter at those times. I still try to act normal to them but just. Barely tolerate them. And like. When I am out of that obsessing period, then I have a not caring about anything stage and kinda return back to normal but then feel hallow inside. It can be character, person I really admire, a story, a rp, a personality theory, anything. And that can be really bad for human interactions because I really don't care most of the time and feel like I am just faking it often times. Also, since I am still a human being I might end up talking with someone about what I was obsessing over too if they really like it too, which might lead to a randomly made friendship and since emotions there are INTENSE I don't even realize that we barely know anything about each other but feel pretty attached to each other by then and when my interest to topic cools down, there is often some messy friendship breaks.....any idea what the problem might be? Don't wanna go to see some professional help without at least some idea of what it might be?

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Untamed Heart

      Untamed Heart

      No worries about the long reply :) more detail is better if you go to someone for a diagnosis, anyway.

      I'm not going to say it's definitely autism, but I have been through periods that sound quite similar, and I was diagnosed with Asperger's (now apparently a defunct term) when I was 17. I didn't find out until about 10 years later, but I can definitely see that I hyperfixated on certain people and somewhat neglected others in the mean time. One guy I was fixated on (for over a year, maybe two) I walked away from with barely a second thought a few weeks after I "woke up" from it. I also have weird mood swings/fluctuating interest (like, intense interest/happiness, then literal depression/anxiety/low or no interest for a while but wondering why the hell my feelings went away) in most of the people I develop a crush on. But I also get the 'feeling close without really knowing them that well' thing. God, I loathe it!

      But I agree it could be autism, ADHD, BPD or hyperfixation (or some kind of combination of any of those). 


    3. ApeironStella


      @Untamed Heart Thank you! And I considered Asperger's before learning it was a defunct term, so yes. And exactly! Once I feel like I "know" them, "get waked up", I just... have no problem dropping someone like a hot potato and yes, neglecting others is there as well. Only difference is, I don't really get crushes so it was even more confusing for me because when I tried to date them thinking it was a crush, it would just go "????? what wait no that's not right" in my brain. Only second guessing is really for how other side would feel, since I kinda have a huge problem with guilt trips? And I agree/have the same fluctuating interest thing as well! But thing is, sometimes I probably don't even feel that for the person but simply feel it for the topic we were talking about, so that's when it gets messy with "feeling close without really knowing them that well" thingy. Because I do horrible with actual human interactions, so yeah, might be somewhere on autism spec too, maybe?


      BPD seems to be least likely at this point since my mood do fluctuate a lot during day but it always match whatever I was thinking/experiencing. So it is not BPD kind of out of control but still pretty changing? And well... There is one psychologist close enough I could find, but I still have this "am I over-exaggerating" sense and since my mother was saying same thing too, not so certain about having a visit rn. (which is funny because this is something I was aware of for... 6-7 years by now? Like, the sense of something is just..off? thingy.)



    4. Untamed Heart

      Untamed Heart

      I think you would probably benefit from going. I know I felt a kind of relief when I found out, because I did have that feeling something was 'off' and I could never put my finger on it, though it seemed like everyone else (i.e. horrible kids at school) could see how I was different. I'm not great at the interaction thing either - if I had millions I'd probably end up living as a semi-recluse or something xD 

      It's still your call at the end of the day, but I wish you luck whatever you decide to do :) 

  5. Dunno if this is an Aro or me thing but when I say "I ship it", I mean it as "I would take any kind of strong bond between those two characters as long as it is healthy and I can feel the tenderness/affection in the air- be it them being siblings or zucchinis or lovers I simply love seeing them interact and care for each other and all the tender love (not necessarily romantic)" and like I have two "OTPs" in my current fandom and was talking to a friend who actually is not a multishipper and has this One True Love thingy for characters and doesn't feel comfortable with QPR stuff. So after I was blabbering about one of said OTPs she was asking what I thought as "What do you think makes a ship canon" and I was like "???? That depends? Idk man I ship so many non-canon ships too, I am simply here for interesting dynamics and how things can play between characters, so I am probably wrong person to ask this to bc I can't even see that couple in that romance series as romantic but still hc them as QPPs despite it being "canon". " Idk man I just??? Love character interactions and how things can go and to see two or more characters caring about each other, I would take??? Almost any "ship" in almost any possible way??? And the ones I get obsessed with as "OTP" are the ones I just??? Find most interesting to talk about, not necessarily ones with "more romance points" like that's some sort of a race most people in fandoms make it out to be??? Eh. Video game OSTs and Anime OPs/Endings are like only thing I listen by now so I feel this....... Also OST remix too.
  6. How far do you have to fall to like Sonic 06 unironically bc I love watching how broken that game is and what the plot is even

  7. How does one motivate a depressed friend about how her life does not have any purpose when you yourself deal with same thing everyday and kinda learned to live with that how

    1. ValDragon


      I wonder the same thing! Just highlight the things she's good at and show that you appreciate your friendship with her.

  8. Because I really don't want that, I am content with my life as it is. It actually would feel a lot more selfish for me to pick up or give birth to a child while I really don't want to take care of one (I don't really hate children and in fact can get along swimmingly well with most, I simply don't want to share a house with one 7/24 like I don't want with anyone else) because it would end up with child having major emotional problems/other health issues related to stress etc. In fact, that's what bugs me in my community- It is okay if you find meaning in your life by having a baby/adopting one and that's really great and I hope you have enough maturity to take care of one and it all goes well, but when you feel aimless in the life and it is simply pushed down your throat that it should be your aim and you decide to look after one after that, just feels... wrong, for me. Idk I am really worried about placing your life's worth on another person, be it a child or romantic relationship or something else, so I really wouldn't go well with having a power over someone smaller than me with full awareness of how vulnerable they are at the moment and how everything I do could effect them and then expecting them to love me for it because that kind of expectance sounds off to me too. So in short, I would always feel like I am doing something wrong all the time and the emotional baggage it would bring would be a torture to me, not something that would brighten my day up or something. %1000 supporting people who finds it fullfilling. Just not my cup of tea.
  9. A fresh one: An admin from a fanpage I am also an admin on on fb is male and we are (sorta?) close and appearantly he has a gf. I don't really care about that and I was talking to him about what rules we would put on forum page since I edited a manga panel from a omake scene in an art book of the series for the "welcome to our forum" automated message thingy and he asked if I could make one for rules page too so we were talking about that. And then??? It is suddenly his gf talking??? She was "checking his accs" and it was "just for fun" not that she was "jealous" or "over controlling" or something. And I was just like ???? and then she went on to say that she would "make ambushes now and then" as if it is a normal and funny thing and my only reply was "okay?". Then she went on explaining and being pretty proud about how they met and all, while I just sat there going "??? Idc I am just trying to see what to edit on a page please let him return and shut up."
  10. Title says it all people. Saw that there wasn't anything on anime/manga on forum and thought it would be a nice idea to create a topic for that. (please do delete this if there was one but search bar didn't show any) I think I will go first- My long time obsession, D.Gray-man. This one is a bit duh coming from me, but it is a lovely series. It starts with the "usual shounen formula" as the usual synopsis would lead one to think: "Losing a loved one is so painful that one may sometimes wish to be able to resurrect them—a weakness that the enigmatic Millennium Earl exploits. To make his mechanical weapons known as "Akuma," he uses the souls of the dead that are called back. Once a soul is placed in an Akuma, it is trapped forever, and the only way to save them is to exorcise them from their vessel using the Anti-Akuma weapon, "Innocence." After spending three years as the disciple of General Cross, Allen Walker is sent to the Black Order—an organization comprised of those willing to fight Akuma and the Millennium Earl—to become an official Exorcist. With an arm as his Innocence and a cursed eye that can see the suffering souls within an Akuma, it's up to Allen and his fellow Exorcists to stop the Millennium Earl's ultimate plot: one that can lead to the destruction of the world." It gets a lot more complicated pretty soon. Let's just say that Chapter 219 is almost universally agreed as the chapter you kind of realize you actually have no idea what is/was going on. It gets only more confusing as it goes on. Anime does kill some key details so I would suggest reading manga first. (Especially for some important, small details which does not show up on the anime- Ie. a family emblem on two characters' shoes which might and most likely has relation to another emblem we see later on and becomes an important thing. Which was not on the anime. Some fillers contradict canon as well. Also Cross' characterization there just spits on everything Hoshino Katsura -the mangaka- built him as.) Bonus: Hoshino's art is gosh dang beautiful. Check the spoiler for that https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiKYL7-SQaw One of the reasons I love it so much is because of how much Love theme is actually centered around ALL types of love. Familial love, Platonic friendship love, some Romantic love thrown in a few stories... Bonds between humans is such a major theme and I LOVE it. I also love that how they manage to pull it off without devaluing any sort of love there. As well as deliver some good mindfuck at the same time. Home/Family is a huge theme and without all the romance focus. I headcanon main character Allen Walker and possibly another main character Lenalee Lee as aros tbh. AroAce for Allen and AroPan for Lena maybe? She could be AroAce too but def somewhere on Aro spec. Both simply want a place to call home and people to call family and want to protect said home and people. Lenalee views her world as her friends, family. Allen simply wants to help everyone he can and finally, finally has a place he can call home now and people who tells him "Welcome back" and he can say "I'm home" to. Honestly I love this show you have no idea. So, what about you?
  11. I kind of want cats because they can be adorable and sometimes cuddly but most often only up to it whenever they feel like and they don't like it when their sense of space is invaded. Idk they are pretty autonomous animals so I really feel close to them. If they feel like you are their human, they can be pretty nice occasionally.
  12. When your bff for last 4 years still seems to not understand (and not want to understand) that you really don't appreciate it when people joke about aros and aces in a mocking manner despite pointing out that more than once and then "feeling betrayed" when you side with a blogger who expressed their frustration on usage of the word "in love" just being used as a romantic connation and then reblogged it again and referred people who reblogged her post to mock her as "The Romantics TM" and appearantly I was supposed to be laughing at the "The Romantics TM" thingy and that said aro was being ridiculous. She also refuses to acknowledge that I see aro and ace issues as two entirely different thing- not as necessarily one more important than rest way but I simply feel a lot more connected and to Aro issues than Ace issues and they personally affect me more and I really talk a lot less about Ace issues and would like it if she could stop referring to both as Ace stuff because they are different. I am so salty and pissed rn gosh.
  13. If I should start roleplaying as a D.Gray-man character because I haven't been roleplaying for a long time and I miss that but it also would likely end up with making me not pay as much attention to my own life so I am worried...
  14. Joining another forum and when you manage to start a good conversation on how there are many problems with how society is currently set, what messages are fed to people especially with amatonormativity etc. and of course having that one person who goes "I had an asexual phase for 2 years once, too and I just want you to question why you would be an asexual and aromantic and if it is hormonal or something" as if it is not simply BOTH arophobic and acephobic AND also not even the correct topic to do so. Get you f-ing amatonormativity&compulsory sexuality away from me, asshole. (I know "they mean well", but no not really. This is on the assumption that I didn't question those things for ages now and only seem to be more certain each time that I still do feel comfortable that way.)