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About NullVector

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    male ones
  • Romanticism
    probably aro
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  1. NullVector


    But also friendships which are equivalent to the closeness of a stable romantic relationship aren't easy to attain in our times. I mean, we could only offer relief if we could offer it to ourselves in that regard Can you unpack the final sentence a bit more? I didn't quite get the point you're making.
  2. NullVector


    Ok, I don't remotely understand how somebody can regret missing out on sex that much. It feels like a not that impressive hobby to me, that's all. But we must acknowledge that, sadly, I'm the odd one out here – it's very important for most people The strength of the desire to try sex would vary from person to person, of course. But I think an additional part of the problem here is the way sex is treated as a rite of passage in our culture, so that if you've not been 'validated' in that way then you might struggle to feel 'normal' (as some of the people in the article do explicitly say). Also, a whole lot of fuss is made about sex being a transformative (quasi-religious, almost) experience, so it's easy to pick up the idea that you're not a fully realised human if you've not experienced it (which I think can be why terms like 'monster' get thrown around here). It's probably easier to let go of all that cultural baggage if you've experienced sex at least once? (and maybe realised that it wasn't that big of a deal after all). And also very negative internalized self-image, I think. They seem to be doing a lot of violence to themselves there - a few of them mention not talking to friends about their inner experience because they feel a deep sense of shame. So I agree with your suggestion that more intimate friendships could help here. Friends can help us to see that we aren't the monsters we can sometimes imagine ourselves to be; and by helping us to improve our lives allow us to see that we're 'worthy' both of receiving help and of living improved lives (the 'evidence' here, of our friends actually taking the time to help us, is especially strong as it's coming from an external source, rather than from our (probably skewed, in these cases) self-evaluation). That could be a far more 'transformative' experience for somebody than sex?
  3. NullVector


    What sorts of things did they do to cultivate those emotions?
  4. NullVector

    physical 'symptoms' of romance repulsion

    How about "my precious" - not creepy at all, right?!
  5. NullVector

    Romantic Attraction

    @Thaa Yeah, I think you're onto something I think with strongly 'romantic' types, there is a tendency to want all those 'intimacies' to be present in a single person (or perhaps two or three people, in the case of poly-amorous allo-romantics) want all the intimacies present in that person(s) (a.k.a. romantic partner(s)) to also be at a greater level of intensity than they are for their friends (with whom not all the intimacies would be there at once - and those that were there at all would be expected to be more 'dilute') Whereas a strongly aromantic person wouldn't particularly care how the numbers and intensities of different 'intimacies' were distributed amongst their friends and/or sexual partners. For example, they might have strong sexual intimacy with one person but weak "in the moment" intimacy (outside of the sex act) and weak intellectual intimacy. With another person, they might have far stronger intellectual and "in the moment" intimacy, but no sexual intimacy whatsoever. And so on. And the aromatic person would be totally fine with this, whereas the strongly romantic person might see it as a problematic form of 'emotional cheating' (as they would tend to want all the intimacies to be both present together and strongest with their romantic partner(s)).
  6. NullVector

    Religion Thread

    Okay. I might then put 'subjective (phenomenal) consciousness' in a similar category to ideas like 'cause and effect' and 'objective reality' (one that carries on existing whilst I'm asleep, for example). We can't necessarily have direct empirical evidence of these things (and that may even be impossible given the definition of the concepts themselves?) but as working hypotheses/models they seem to help account for an enormous number of disparate phenomena. The example I recall Bertrand Russell giving - in the context of the plausibility of an objective independent reality - was that the cat grew hungry at the same rate regardless of whether it was being watched or not! Similarly, people act like their behaviours are the outcomes of similar internal processes (subjective consciousness?) to mine. Plus their brains are made of empirically similar stuff that can be shown to behave similarly in response to stimuli (in MRI machines, for example). But I don't think people tend to put god(s) in that same sort of category of 'mere' working hypothesis/model? There's also then the question of what god(s) are adding in terms of explanatory power that isn't already provided by other, arguably more justifiable, hypothesis (and ones that you'd typically need to invoke anyway for god(s) to make sense e.g a world for a creator to actually create that's independent of the creations subjective experience of it). Aaaand now my brain hurts!
  7. NullVector

    Religion Thread

    There is an additional complication with belief in god(s), I think. Everyone can more or less agree on what a teapot is, but the same cannot be said for god(s)! Which makes the question of belief (or lack of it) more complicated for god(s) than teapots, as you've first got to all agree on what it is you're looking for evidence of. Plus the teapot is actually quite plausible nowadays 😁
  8. NullVector

    Not entirely sure where I fit in, but hi!

    Recalibrating... I like that way of putting it! I also kind of assumed, by default, that I would end up with The One at some key (later!) point in my life; but did absolutely nothing to make it happen! Yeah, totally, right on! If I don't 'settle down' and have kids, it leaves me free to do things in the middle third of my life that somebody with a family couldn't do Glad I could help!
  9. NullVector

    Art Thread

    Hah, right, it's Tyrion! Some wires got crossed in my brain there!
  10. NullVector

    Aromantic or scared?

    Hi @PizzaSauceShoes On the one hand, you might have an overgeneralised fear based on your family history. I saw you wrote in another thread that "Relationships all end toxically or unhealthily and I'm scared of them". My experience is that the first half of that statement isn't true; some relationships end that way, for sure, but some can be very positive and fulfilling for the people involved, even over their entire lives (which is not to say that a similar relationship type would work or be desirable for everyone). But it's definitely possible if it's something you want in your life - I've seen it actually happen! On the other hand, it totally makes sense to be cautious and not want to repeat destructive patterns from your family history. But I think a better approach, in your case, than avoiding (romantic) relationships entirely (given that you say you want them) could be to try and analyse what your family members did that caused the relationship to become 'toxic' in the first place and then identify any opposite factors that would contribute towards rendering it healthy (e.g. did they tend to more-often-than-not point out negative things their partners did and omit to acknowledge positive things? Then you can make a deliberate effort to do the opposite. Etc.). Or, do you know anyone else (a friend?) who is in a relationship that seems healthy? Can you ask them what they do to maintain it like that? Being honest about your family history and your fears around it with your partner - and maybe knowing about your attachment style (and your partners) - might also help? I think that breaking out of self-destructive habitual patterns is really, really hard work (it's something I'm working on myself at the moment) but the key things are to be very carefully observant of what you are doing and note honestly what the effects were afterwards (good, bad, or some mix, depending whether you followed a habit or tried a different behaviour). Also, identify triggers/cues for negative habits and any new behaviours that you might substitute (in place of just letting the habit run its course) that could have a similar short term benefit without the long term 'side-effects'. Just some thoughts, hope some of it helps. My family history is quite 'healthy' so I'm pretty sure that my aromanticism (and fear of intimate relationships, potentially) doesn't stem from that. Hopefully there is someone else on here that can relate more directly to your specific circumstances; although I doubt if any of them will be in healthy romantic relationships (and therefore in a position to advise on how to engineer such a thing given adverse family history)
  11. NullVector

    Hello everyone

    Um, I dunno, what do you like? Afraid I don't recall any threads about boats!
  12. NullVector

    Art Thread

    @Holmbo Ooh, are there prizes of we know who the quotes are by? (no google-ing/cheating allowed of course!) I recognise one from The Dispossessed /Ursula le Guin, one from Douglas Adams / Hitchiker's Guide (I think?), the 'armour yourself' one is Stoic, either Epictetus or Marcus Aurelius, but I can't remember which! (I'm gonna say Epictetus, final answer!)
  13. NullVector

    Hello everyone

    Hi! So, how long have you been 'lurking' for? Got any favourite thread(s)?
  14. NullVector

    Sexual attraction as felt by aros

    This thread is badass, so please feel no guilt for bringing it back! 👍 Haha, you have identified my Kryptonite! (well, that and probably some latent shyness/self-esteem issues). But thanks for the insightful advice and I will try to take it!
  15. NullVector

    Not entirely sure where I fit in, but hi!

    Hi Crou! Welcome to arocalypse! Yeah, that was my experience. Even just telling myself, never mind other people, that I didn't have to do that stuff ever, if I didn't feel like it, felt very freeing. Glad to have you here . So, after reading your intro, I was wondering about this next part... It could be helpful to identify where the 'struggle' aspects of this are coming from? Is it that you're worried other people won't be accepting? You're worried you'll look back in decades to come and feel you missed out on key human experiences? You're worried that your 40s and 50s could get lonely as friends pair up, have kids and drop out of the social milieu to a much greater extent? You're worried that there isn't any automatic 'script' you can follow in terms of where meaning in your life would come from in the next 20-30 years? (not from settling down and raising a family, which is the default for most people). Other things? I wonder about the above stuff as I move through my 30s and watch friends getting married and starting families. So I'm interested in the perspective of a fellow 30-something . P.S. Fellow STEM PhD academia escapee here too!