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Kojote

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About Kojote

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Personal Information

  • Name
    Kojo
  • Gender
    agender
  • Pronouns
    whatever, really
  • Location
    Germany
  • Occupation
    Student (2D/3D Game Artist)
  • Romanticism
    aromantic
  • Sexuality
    gray-gynosexual

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  1. I have no clue. I struggle with that myself tbh. You could always state exactly what you want in a dating app, but chances are you'll just earn a lot of confusion. For most people it seems to be an all or nothing situation. =\ Yeah, sounds like that could work. There's more than a few of them here and my reading was they've expressed desires along similar lines to your "ideal relationship". There would probably be enough people out there potentially "up for it" to locate one IRL. I guess the question would be how/where to advertise it... (as I presume that conventional dating websites are not at all optimised for finding these types of relationships?) I think there's a meet up forum here? Though most people are probably long distance if you try the forum. If side relationships are ok you could also ask poly, gay or lesbian aros. I feel like that sort of companionship could form out of any sort of friendship with most aros, so that might work. Some might join a Pride or hang in LGBT+ spaces, so that might be a good start to look for meetups IRL. I feel like, keeping shit separated while still having some sort of company that's not temporary in nature is a very common wish amongst aros.I wouldn't merge my finances with anyone either and I'd only like a shared living space if I get my own room/rooms.
  2. I can very much relate to a lot of things you mentioned, starting by "finding out late after someone gave me the word I had to google" and ending in the description of a very specific kind of dream relationship that's so different from the way things are "usually done" that I can't picture it ever becoming reality. So at least to me, your thoughts make a whole lot of sense! First of: I think wanting romantic feelings and aromanticism aren't mutually exclusive. You don't have to be romance-repulsed, in fact, I'd wager that there are quite a handful of aros that'd probably want to experience a romantic relationship or experience it in small portions, but can't follow through (me kind off included. Though what I crave is the companionship that good romantic relationships seem to have, like it's some sort of package deal). That's sorta why it is an orientation and not a choice. You can't help yourself even if you'd want to be different. The definition of an orientation is not an absolute, there is always quite a bit of leeway i'd say and if you feel like the word does something for you than by all means do feel free to use it (gray or not). Being aromantic sexual is definitely a weird as mix up. Some might have a clear discernable line on whom they are respectively attracted to but most I've read about seem to be hella confused most of the time (I know I am) so you're probably in good company over here *g*
  3. I would. I'd like for society at large to pay more attention to the grey areas of life. This goes for amatonormativity as well as literally everything else. People are so quick to divide everything in black and white and I mean all people, romantic or not (myself included). Sure, cis romantics can be dickheads, but members of subcultures aren't that great with the whole openness to outside opinions/influences either. We've all seen or read about situations, were LGBT people are more than willing to throw the grey area members and allies under the bus. I'd wish for a society that's more open to the stuff in life that doesn't neatly fall into a category. And I wish people in sub-cultures would be more open to questions, so we can minimize the divide. Take some walls down. I wish society wouldn't get all "you're for or against us" all the damn time, cause chances are it's neither. Aro and Romantic aren't the defining features of our respective personalities, we're as diverse as they come. It's not black and white. The world just doesn't work that way and It's just almost never ever that simple. I feel like a society that keeps that in mind (to a certain degree) would ultimately be better for everybody. That being said, that's a long shot
  4. Still alive. Still kept busy by live. Almost done with studies though. Once I got a stable home/income/dailyrountine kinda thing going, I'll come back to these.
  5. Oh wow it's really been that long hasn't it? So yeah, that one's a dozy. To be perfectly frank it's still like that. I've got a job now and I'm gonna move again soon. I'm thinking of quitting flat sharing and just get a place for myself, but I'm desperately afraid to do so. It's a big step for me, because it means that I'll "stop pretending like I could share a life with someone without romantic love involved". At least for the time being. I mean, theoretically I'll have a home and a job I love and friends who're hours away but still keep in contact, so for all intents and purposes I'll have it good. But I'd still only be "there". Existing in a vacuum. I'd be the literal tree in the forest. If I fall who'd notice? From an outsider's perspective I'll be that one dude who drops in from time to time. Since there's no one there who shares my life with me, I exist alone and my existence will be "borrowed" by whoever will have me around. If I don't make an effort, I'll just slowly fade from social spaces. So yeah. That whole stuff hasn't changed at all. I've kinda come to terms with it, though. not being important enough to have a home anywhere can give you a sense of freedom. And I mean, lives still happening you know? It's silly to think that everything's gonna stay that way forever. Maybe something will work out for me =) Maybe it won't. Either way I won't know for sure so there's no sense in sweating the small stuff. As I said: I'll have it good. I accomplished everything I set out to do (even if I don't have people I can share that with), so I should just enjoy my place in life for the time being. If that's not a healthier way to see it, than I don't know There'll be times where I'll be desperately alone, but hey. Life has it's ups and downs for everybody. My downs just happen to be loneliness and existential crisis xDDDD
  6. Ok now I get it! Then I'm with you. I think transparency is really really important, too. It's the base for trust. I guess I wouldn't call what they did "cheating", but I'd probably be hurt that they didn't tell me about this, since it's probably not a one time thing. A friend of mine was deeply deeply deeeeeply hurt once, because her poly boyfriend let her to believe that they were in a monogamous relationship. When she found out that he'd slept and had relationships with other women the whole time, he gaslighted her. Said she'd restrain him to much and that it's her fault and all that shit. But it was his. He was the one arbitrarily promising shit, agreeing to the terms of their relationship even though he never really intended to keep them. I guess what your ex did isn't as strong a violation of trust, but I still get your point and why you'd get trust issues. I can personally relate to their sentiment towards relationships/people but I absolutely get where you're coming from, too. I'd say, if you want to save this relationship in any way, try to continue to emphasize the importance of communication. If they really care for their friends, they should get it. If not, well... this might sound cruel but maybe you dodged a bullet there? Some people never change and I personally would hate any kind of relationship, platonic, friendship, family etc. in which the other person won't tell me important stuff like this.
  7. I'm confused. What exactly did they do and did they break explicitly stated and agreed upon terms? As far as I understood it, exclusivity isn't necessarily a thing in QPRs? Is it? You identify as poly-platonic. I guess it's bad, that they didn't tell you anything about their hook up, but how is their situation different from a poly-platonic QPR situation? Maybe I'm also an ultimate Aro, but I personally see no glaring problem @__@ (I mean no disrespect here. This seems important to you and I'm trying to understand the problem.) I mean, if exclusivity is a thing, what differentiates a QPR from an open relationship/marriage? I always thought the whole point of a QPR was friendship with more commitment towards each other than normal. I mean, I guess you can negotiate the terms of every relationship, but as an aromantic, monopolisation of someones feelings, platonic or not, seems a bit.... off? That aside. Seems the core problem is their lack of transparency and their disregard for outlined and agreed upon expectations. I'd say you'd have to get them to understand that their way of doing things can be potentially hurtful and that they should be more mindful of other people's feelings, even if they themself don't understand them. Otherwise their intention of "making people happy" will probably backfire. One should be transparent, specially if they have an unconventional way of playing the relationship game.
  8. @Mark Might have been unclear. I meant people are usually like "let's date/try a relationship" with "hook up". So it's romance in mind, not one night stands. It's also not the majority of people who do this. It's just more prevalent with hetero guys. Yes, same here. How people go romance first even though they literally don't know jackshit about the person in question is mind boggling to me. How could someone possibly know that they'd want that person in their life without anything to base that on apart from looks and first impression? Does not compute o__o Another thing I've noticed is that I really can't tell what intentions the person might have, when approaching me. Are they flirting because romance? Or do they wanna hook up? Or are they just friendly in general? So when in doubt, my aro-mind usually aborts the mission Like "nooo, brain calculates a hazy 30-70% chance of romantic intentions do not take risks! abort! abort!"
  9. Oh I so feel you guys there. I've got the gray in front of my sexuality, simply because I'm celibate due to the fact that I don't think it's worth the hassle. I don't technically want to be. I sometimes dream of a circle of poly friends I'd be attracted to without having to commit to anything. Because there sure is a lot of stuff I want to try but my aro-ness sure won't let me. There's also the issue of me, not really being all that attracted to men anymore (at least I thought I used to be more open in this regard, but maybe I never was, I'm not sure. Since I can't really experiment with my sexuality, it's difficult for me to tell). I find it hard to interact with het men sometimes. I love them as friends and I do have a lot of close guy friendships, but there's always this awkwardness whenever I meet a hetero guy that's single for the first time. I just don't trust them not to try the whole "you're single, I'm single let's hook up and see what happens"-routine. Like at all. Maybe it's just me, but I've begun to really notice that a lot of first time interactions with single people can be about potential romantic partners and not about potential friendships/just getting to know the person on a neutral basis. Like why is that? Why is the first activity you do with a person you just met automatically the "first date" and not just "an activity where you get to know each other, no strings attached"? This whole "romance first" stuff really bothers me. I'm not a ONS person either. I'd actually like to trust my partner, but the whole "romance trumps all" routine is like a huge wall my aroness simply won't let me ignore. Maybe I would like to sleep with them, maybe I won't, but this way I'll sure as hell won't ever find out. As for women and NBs, I haven't made the effort of joining LGBT spaces, yet. I'm a bit afraid to, but I might try soon. As far as I've heard, they can be really romance-coded as well, which makes me a bit nervous. Triggering a situation in which somebody I care about get's hurt because I can't reciprocate isn't a situation I ever want to be in again. And that feeling is so strong that it renders my actual sexual orientation irrelevant. Just... to many strings attached.
  10. Well idk. Maybe everything will be alright. I'll be moving in with a friend of mine soon. New city, but at least I've got a familiar face. It's only for 4 month, though (duration of my bachelor thesis). After that it's a game of wherever I get a job. Maybe I can stay, maybe I can't. Just thinking about forming all those new bonds, trying to socialize, coming out, struggling with romantic threads and all that jazz just to rinse and repeat is exhausting. I've moved a lot in my life, I guess I'm just wishing for some stability, preferably in form of a few, already close people I don't have to win over and come out to all over again. I don't really want to room with a new stranger for the rest of my life.
  11. ... well kind off. It's true for most parts of my life. I was never pressured by friends or family. I never much cared what people thought of me either. I always wanted to do, whatever makes me feel happy and dating or stuff like this never made it on the list I was confident enough to think that I really don't have to be with someone I don't love and until I do fall in love with someone, there's no use in trying. But I became pressured when some of my friends asked me to date them and they wanted an honest answer. Since I cared for them as friends, it affected me, BUT not enough to give something I really didn't want a try. At all. Still, it pushed me to search for and find my orientation.
  12. I've never lived alone. I've been flat sharing since I was 18. I've always had my own room and secluded myself from time to time, but I always appreciated that there's someone at home who can take my mail or let me in if I accidently shut myself out or with whom I can calculate living costs, discuss issues in the house and share some foodstuff with, that'd just spoil if I bought it for myself. There's just something intrinsically reassuring about the fact that there's someone who'd hear you out if problems occur, because you're kind off in it together. It's also nice to know that there's someone who'd notice, if something medical happened to me. Problem is, as perfect as good roomies are (not to close but not to distant either), they are expected to leave your side and start their own life/family. The older you get, the more crazy involuntarily single people can become =D" Like, I think I'd be fine if I lived alone, but I'd fear that I'd socially isolate myself, which is something I really don't want. To much freetime and social isolation gives way to negative cognitive spirals. Roomies keep me grounded and offer distractions. They can also introduce me to new people. If I isolate myself, I'd further reduce my chances of ever meeting a few kindred souls IRL and while I said that I have zero hopes of meeting anyone, I don't really wanna give up looking either .___.
  13. Being appreciated as the one person who'll "always be in their life", by my closest friends. Turns out even people with partners can be saddened by losing friends due to circumstances and relationships. Having people be grateful for the fact that I value and always will value our connection greatly, makes me incredibly happy. Being called family by people who accept me, even though we're not blood related or an item. Having people in my life who're open to other forms of family, outside the nuclear stereotype and being able to experiences those deep bonds myself is really fulfilling. Even if I can't help but think of them as temporary and fleeting... I also agree with @Holmbo. Not being able to feel something as fundamental as romantic love really teaches you that nothing is 100% for granted or "the right way". I feel like I'm more open minded for it. Even if society at large doesn't really supports/enables my future goals
  14. I have a few things that bug me, but those are mostly small annoyances. The real issue I am most affected by is forming meaningful connections and the constant threat of loneliness in old age. I'm 27 and I'm fine with being alone/living in flat sharing arrangements and focusing on my career right now. In fact, I've been completely content with being alone and only having close friends for the majority of my life, but I doubt it'll stay that way. The older I get the more uncertain my future becomes. Friends move away. I have to move because of job opportunities. Kids take priority. New friendships will be harder and harder to come by. Free time in between work hours will be limited... I can't imagine my life leading to any form of cohabitation with other people in a family-manner... I'll have an uncertain job, I might have to move a lot when times get tough. Other's will have stable jobs, they can't just move with me, since we're not "in that kind of a relationship", no matter how you frame it. No matter how I try to look at it, in the end, I'll probably be on my own. Does that mean that, in the end, it really might be impossible for me to live a fulfilling life? Old age loneliness is a really prevalent thing, even among people with spouses and kids. What chances do I have of escaping that if I definitely won't have either...? TL;DR A lot of people said it already, but yeah, the stuff that keeps me up at night is the fact that the world is build for couples being unable to see a future for myself, and fearing that uncertainties and loneliness will get worse and worse with age, which is scary feeling alone in this and having zero hope of that changing.... ever....
  15. I thought some might like this: https://habitica.com/static/front It's a "Make your To-Do-List into an RPG Adventure Game"-System =D Haven't tried it myself but it's supposed to be really fun.
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