I am new to the forum and I signed up to reach out to get advice basically, and to perhaps see if I am not the only one in this predicament.
I suspect I am aromantic, and I know that I went through a period of asexuality and I am currently in another 3 year+ period. I don't wish to offend anyone by implying it 'just a phase' and I 100% believe that sexual orientation is biological and not something one just grows out of. I however have had periods where I am super charged for someone sexually, and then go a couple of years not wanting physical intimacy. I don't dislike sex, I just honestly cannot remember what all the fuss was about and orgasms were overrated, there were other things I enjoyed doing instead. And at the time of one of my longest phases, I was with someone who was fantastic in the sack, so I couldn't disrespect him by saying it was anything to do with him.
I knew about asexuality but I only recently heard about aromanticism. Thinking about it, ever since boys came into the picture I dated more for the fun of it rather than through any real urge. I had them, raging hormones, and they fired up in the first few weeks because I assume the unknown always got them going, but they would die quickly. I'm nearing my mid-30's and not as fussed about my appearance, but as a teenager I had plenty of boys interested in me. And I found dating them a form of social experiment and friendship (I wasn't mean, my grandmother taught me to be kind with the hearts of boys as they break easier at that age, so I knew to be kind). However I have never pined after anyone is what I am trying to say rather badly I suppose.
As I got older I was normally in a relationship because that's just what pretty girls were expected to do in my social circles and I enjoyed the companionship of being someone elses special someone. I also made it a rule to always take 3 months off after a break up in order to ensure I had re-established my autonomy. Again, some would say that's a sensible rule but I was rather clinical about the whole thing which may take it to another level. I have also cried and felt great emotion due to the loss of a relationship, even though I was always the one who initiated it. And cards on the table here, there was one guy who broke me heart rather badly and after a long relationship by cheating, and I think I loved him but I just cant seem to grasp that memory of emotion anymore.
My current partner, and recently my husband, is a different matter. Ill be honest, I don't like being on my own. I thrive in company and he is the only man who's company I enjoy for extended periods of time. I am tactile, I really like hugs and kisses (pecks), hand holding, snuggling on the sofa together, making plans and travelling together, being together. I know 100% that I wont find anyone else that I find more attractive than him, and whilst he drives me insane a lot I wouldn't swap him for anyone else.
Here is the other factor, and please forgive the long spiel, but he doesn't believe in divorce and he suffers from a chronic illness. So his energy isn't high and Ill admit that I do like the idea of settling into a marriage and pottering along, I don't wish to be single again and most certainly never want to go back into the dating scene again (such a colossally boring process). Not to be mistaken for coasting, we make an effort for one another in terms of gifts, time and shared household. He doesn't question anything, he is a rather reclusive person, the typecast 50's male who doesn't discuss emotional things.
So finally let me get to the point. I don't feel like a LOVE him, or I do love him dearly but not in love? However, I don't feel like I really love love anyone except my mum. I'm not depressed, I am happy, but I am beginning to suspect that I actually don't know what real romantic love feels like. I think the guy I think I loved was more of an infatuation. I remember thinking that he and I worked well on paper and he fell into my lifestyle rather well, and he did, we had great fun until he turned out to be a dick 3 years later. Actually, I have suspected for some time now about the love thing. I watch films and cannot relate to couples that would do anything for each other, or who cant live without each other, or people who fall madly in love with each other. In the real non-Hollywood world, I have never understood my friends infatuation with another person, or that they sacrifice everything else to be with that person. I feel like I am absolutely alien to the concept, a bit of a freak really. Its just as if love, that romantic notion of it, happens to other people and I come from a different species.
And if my suspicions are right, I could never tell the hubby as it would hurt him. And I do love him in my way, and I do show affection, and I like receiving cuddles too, plus I make the extra effort so that he doesn't suspect anything. But in my mind there is this wall, this thing I just cannot put my finger on.
Perhaps you guys have some insight? And if anything I have said above is construed as hurtful or disrespectful, please go easy on me. I have worded the above as best I can (and lengthily, thanks for reading this far!) but I ask you to be kindly corrective and constructive.
Big thank you for reading.
Can one become aromantic? Or perhaps I always was but it can ebb and flow sometimes. I know that asexuals can have a sex drive kick in once in a blue moon, is that perhaps the same with aromantics? Or is that I am actually not aromantic but just don't buy into what other people say love should be like?