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honeypandan

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About honeypandan

  • Rank
    Newbie

Personal Information

  • Name
    Honey
  • Gender
    Female
  • Pronouns
    She/her
  • Location
    Australia
  • Occupation
    Librarian
  • Romanticism
    Aromantic (fray?)
  • Sexuality
    Grey-Ace

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  1. Yep, that was a huge ongoing issue that I had with each relationship. The more time passes when I don't mention it, the more guilt I feel, which makes me stressed and in turn, feel that continuing with the relationship isn't worth it anymore because of the stress/guilt. It's a vicious cycle that I could have prevented if I opened up. Relationships need communication after all. Maybe they just weren't a good fit for me because I didn't feel close enough to tell them about aromanticism. It's definitely hard for private people, especially if you're not good with words. The times I actually want to say something about it, I chicken out and just hope that I'll eventually develop feelings again. (not recommended or ethical). Right... 😢
  2. Yes, I’ve been in a few romantic relationships. If I find someone attractive physically and intellectually, I would get a little crush on them and get those excited feelings. If we find that the feelings are mutual, then we set up a few dates to get to know each other more. Usually at this stage, any romantic feelings I have just die instantly (and we never talk again). For the rare few that I just genuinely enjoy talking and hanging out with, that’s when I decide a relationship could work. Because I think I’m in a state of constantly hoping I’ll retain the crush feeling with the right person (nope). That’s probably why I keep dating people. It takes a lot out of me though, so I’ve decided to chill out and not jump straight into stuff as soon as I like someone a little. The first few ones lasted around 3 months, while my most recent one lasted about 9 months before I broke up with them. They all ended pretty terribly (tried to be friends after, but it just got weird, and they couldn’t handle it). I never told them about being aro because it was something extremely personal that I am still questioning and figuring things out. Doesn’t help that I’m super private irl and don’t open up much. I’ve always wondered what would happen if they knew — would they understand and do a mutual breakup? Would they try to make the relationship between an aro and a romantic work? Or assume it’s a new way of breaking up with someone. Sorry, getting a bit rambly there. I am obviously not a great person for romantics to date. You might have a good point about being in a QPR instead — but what if it’s the same with squishes? I’m also wondering if I just have underlying commitment issues...
  3. I'm drawn to a QPR with a guy for the wrong reasons. At this point in time, it would be ideal for me to fake a happy straight relationship with someone who is also happy to fake it and have the same aro/ace thing. It would really make my family (and some friends) back off about me finding the right man and staying "normal". I do predict this mindset will change in the future though, but that's what I'm feeling now.
  4. Huh, I think you've worded what I've been struggling with with my past relationships and crushes/squishes. Every time I broke up with someone with the reason that I just didn't feel it anymore, it always sounded so bad. They would ask if I even felt anything for them in the first place (I did, but I stopped feeling things quickly), and asked what they did wrong to make me feel less attracted (very, very guilt-trippy). I just say that it's me and not them, but that line is a bit too cliche and unbelievable. Back in highschool, I had a crush on someone in my friend group that I didn't know well. It was fun to imagine talking and hanging out, and whenever she got close (in proximity) I got excited and a little shy. My other friends, who knew about the crush, thought it fun to tease and do winky eyes when my squish talked to me. I mustered up the courage and just talked to her and got to know her a little more. Then suddenly, the crush feelings died and it felt like being with my other friends as usual. My other friends were so confused about my sudden lack of romantic interest in her but I didn't know how to explain it. That was when I explored the concept of asexuality (back when I didn't know about aromanticism).
  5. I made the term "a-romantic" for fun after finding out about asexuality on Tumblr back in 2009 (I thought it was funny being an alliterative agender aromantic asexual asian 😂). Then I thought, hey maybe that's actually a real thing and it turns out there was a small community of aros online. Back then, I was in denial about everything so I pushed it off until recently where I finally accepted that yes, maybe I am aro and I should deal with it.
  6. I've been told that you would feel the "spark" if it's the right person, but also sparks don't exist because there is no right person. I'm not trying to defend or excuse what your mother's friend is saying, but allos don't usually have bad intentions when trying to "warn" you about labels and being aromantic (it sure hurts though!). They truly believe that any lifestyle different from theirs or society's norm is just unheard of, and they want you to have what they have. They don't understand that we can't and it's very frustrating. I totally understand the lack of acceptance. I'm not out, but I've always changed the topic or brushed it off whenever my love life is brought up. It's just easier to deal with compared to trying to get romantics to understand what they believe is impossible. It's probably an unhealthy way to cope with things.
  7. Back in high school, I was constantly trying to look for ways to label myself because I believed it would help me be part of the LGBTQ community. I was all over the place, very frustrated at times, and just plain felt misunderstood all the time. A few years after uni, for some reason I just stopped caring and just did whatever. I don't know if that's because of maturity or apathy, but this affected my past relationships a lot because I would ultimately not feel the same way as my partners. I've always been pretty chill, so that could also be the reason why I've stopped trying too hard to get my identity right. I'm not sure if I love where I'm at with my identity, but I sure am letting it be and let time sort it out.
  8. Sorry, I can't help with the first part, but I can definitely relate to convincing yourself into liking someone. We all know what romantic attraction is supposed to feel like from TV, movies and all that. So it's not impossible (or unreasonable) to want to replicate that attraction because society and media makes it sound so good (and considered the norm). It's much easier to pretend than to confront.
  9. I feel the exact same way. I seem to always be in a search for this kind of relationship because it conforms to society's and my culture's standards (having a stock standard nuclear family). But when I'm in the relationship, I just realise how much I hate it and how extremely tiring it is. It definitely is very guilt-inducing and pressuring and I seem to torture myself in the never-ending yearn for romance. Occasionally I get romance-repulsed though, which is confusing. I've always considered asking my previous partners if they would be fine with me not having romantic feelings while still being together. I never ask though because I don't think that's something a romantic person would want.
  10. Thanks! Hoping to engage with the community more! Actually I work at a university library, so it’s not at the usual public library with a lot of books and fun public events. I mostly help students and our academics with assignments and research. I love it so much and I never feel like I’m working since it’s so easy and enjoyable 😄
  11. Hi everyone! I’ve mostly been in denial and avoidant about this part of my identity since high school when I first found out about aromanticism and asexuality. Back then, AVEN and tumblr were the only sites I knew where it was being discussed. Then Aroplane was created and I was a long-time on/off lurker on that (don’t know when it went down though). I stopped exploring/questioning romance/sexuality after getting into my first relationship because I was hoping the aro/ace thing would be a phase and I’d be allo (ha!). I’m 23 now and had 3 relationships with amazing people that ended horribly because I could never reciprocate feelings back. I’ve always felt this guilt that their feelings for me were at a higher level than mine for them. And I always end up regretting starting the relationship in the first place — but I would’ve never been where I am now. Trying to force romantic feelings and sexual desire took a lot out of me and I’ve always had to ask for personal space and time (a LOT of time). Like, a day of making out would equal to about 2-3 weeks of needing some personal space. (I think I’ve dated some angels with incredible patience). I’m at the weird point in time where half of my friends are in solid relationships or married, and the other half are single and constantly looking to mingle. In the future, I think I’d be content alone with a couple of pets and plants. The people who know me well would be shocked if I ever actually fell in love or stayed in a relationship for more than a year. I’ve been a lurker on many forums, but the new decade is giving me a little push to contribute. I’m not much of a talker or a writer, so I’m hoping this wall of text isn’t too much of a mess! ...And a little bit about myself — I’m a librarian who’s trying to get back into reading books and her drawing hobby, and I am a huge HUGE fan of dogs.
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