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AutistAro

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Everything posted by AutistAro

  1. Welp.

    It’s day 6 of no online socializing. Made the decision of leaving that group chat last night. I can still talk to members individually, but at this point, I don’t want to initiate conversations anymore. I think I burned myself out from trying to befriend everyone. From trying to keep the group chat from dying. I wanted friends but maybe my definition of ‘friend’ means something else to others. Least they have their romantic partners. I’m just an afterthought I guess. They mean well. Good people. I must’ve been overbearing. Always checking in if everyone was ok. Being overly optimistic. Acting like a child, pretty much. Always texting. Gotta back the fuck off. My brain’s weird, tho. I either go all out or not at all. Gotta learn the in between. Gotta back off. 

    Life’s gonna be like it was back then. All quiet. Me, myself, and I. 

    Not like I’m gonna build a wall or close myself off from others. But I definitely have to learn how to control myself. 

    Have to understand that for people with romantic partners, being close with friends is...not happening. ? 

    I don’t know how close is too close. Nor how close I want to be. But fuck, I can feel that boundary. I’m just not interesting enough for them?  They don’t have fun talking to me? I find them interesting. I like talking to them. It wasn’t mutual it seems. And that’s ok. That’s life. There’s all sorts of people out there, but I think I need to befriend fellow aros. Because if romantic folk keep giving off that boundary I think I will internally combust. Not their fault. Not anyone’s fault. Just me being overly sensitive and weak. But tis a learning lesson. I’ll get over it.

  2. Seiyuu/Japanese voice actors (I'm one of those fans who buy seiyuu CDs.)
  3. :< no. And I doubt I ever will. I was gonna say it doesn’t matter, but those online friends have coupled up and met each other in person... Aro struggles I guess. Which is why I started the twitter group chat. I just asked them right now if it was ok (after bombarding them with cat videos to soften the mood). They were cool with it. B was feeling shitty, but I made sure to have a ‘thing’s will get better stay strong friend’ attitude because apparently being sympathetic won’t work. No. A has reached out a few times. A likes helping people. They would help me distract my thoughts. But that’s about it. B, though, I guess hasn’t really supported me? But she’s always overwhelmed, and I understand that sometimes you just can’t worry about others when your life is insane. Plus, I never really talk to her privately about any issues I’m having. I usually go to the group chat and vent on a specific venting chat. But yeah...she and A never really reach out. But I understand it’s because I don’t give them a chance to make a move. I’m impatient. And scared. I need to accept that A and B don’t want me to be anything but a casual friend. I’m at fault because I got carried away and gave too much. Eventually I started wanting more from them, and I was heartbroken when they started dating. But my dumbass was persistent. I don’t know what I want with them. They’re interesting and admirable people to me. I’m lonely and I know I should just give up on these two, but I don’t want to. I won’t give too much anymore. I won’t think of us as anything but casual internet buddies. I know I fucked up. I squished a little too hard on those people from the group chat. Thank you @Apathetic Echidna for your words. Wish I was apathetic about human relationships. But I’m not.
  4. I might be overreacting and overthinking. But I've noticed a lot of things about this group chat I'm in (currently dead now, but I still talk to some members individually.) I don't know where to start ahhh. So frustrating. And I shouldn't be doing this? But I figured there's others who've experienced this and might give some insight. Basically. I want to keep contact and remain good friends with Person A and B. Person A is the person who posts 'you can always talk to me!' on their social media. So...I do that. I private message them and the conversations always feel forced for me. I've noticed that I'm always the one making the first move. They've reached out to me when I was freaking out on social media, which was like, a handful of times. But other than that...I get the feeling A doesn't really seem interested in being more than mutuals. We're friends, but not friends. Which is fine, I guess...but I'm starting to think it's because they thought their romantic partner, B, should've 'fallen for [me]'. Person B I really found interesting when the group chat was new and super active. I'd message her privately a lot and ask about her stories and OCs. She's very open and emotional, and she's aware of this. And I find that very inspiring. But when she and A started dating back in the summer...I've just felt like a nuisance. I reach out to her a lot. Like a lot when she's super sad and freaking out on social media. I've helped her out a lot, not because I wanted to buy her friendship but because I was genuinely worried for her and wanted her to be happy. This is why A thought I should've been in a relationship with B, lol. It broke my heart when B told me this. Because this was typical amatonormative thinking. But anyways, recently I realized I was probably stressing B out everytime I reached out to her. 'Are you ok?' 'Can I help?' 'I can do this for you.' 'I'm available if you just want a distraction.' I didn't realize how pushy I was being until now... I hadn't reached out for any other reason besides my concern for her after she got into a relationship. So I think she thought I pitied her or something...I didn't talk to her much because I thought she was happier with her partner, A, and with the other group chat she's in. But recently I've learned this was not the case. She still has a hard time making friends, and she thinks everyone hates her because she's posts a lot of negative thinking on her social media. Like...I get that sort of shit putts people off, but eh. Shows me their human at least. Anyways, I started talking normally to them again. I started a group chat with them on Twitter. Because I figured maybe A and B won't be so anxious if we're all talking together? But I didn't ask their permission to do this...whoops. I don't know what to do guys. I want to stay on good terms with A and B. I know they don't hate me. They have school and Real Life to deal with, and their socially anxious. 'It's not you, it's me' sort of thing. But...you know. I keep talking to both of them through an anonymous ask option. They sometimes tweet later how they're so happy someone asked about their stories and...I wonder how they'd react if they learned it was all me? All those asks...from me? It's pitiful I know. But gods humans are so difficult. Me included. Why can't my autistic brain just be normal? I should go and find a partner, too. Maybe that'll make me happy? I thought I wanted to be closer to these online friends, but now I'm not so sure. I don't fucking know anymore. A and B treat me kindly. I know they mean no harm. Everyone's just anxious. But I've googled a lot of things and...if your 'friends' don't ever make the first move in starting a conversation, one of the reasons could be that they're just not interested in you. You're just not the person they want to talk to. Am I that person they don't want to talk to? Am I just a mutual? How come they 'clicked' and I didn't? Ah. Making friends is hard. I guess we're drifting apart already. A and B are lucky to be dating. I thought, 'maybe we're not friends because we've only known each other for a year?' But they got together in like, 6 months. Less, I think. I don't know guys. Am I just a nuisance at this point? Or should I keep reaching out? Am I reaching out too much? What is too much? Is it just a boundary thing because we're not dating? Gods this is confusing. I thought I had this figured out but it still bothers me. I've opened up so much, and I don't want to just give up! All those feelings I spilled from personal issues. Is this heartbreak? I've already broken down twice because of this. I feel like those puppies you see on the street. You pet them and give them attention, but in the end you can't and won't take them home with you. I'm that puppy. Just a puppy. :')
  5. Dang. I’ve noticed for a long time now that when these two online friends I have, who happen to be dating, are affectionate I get kinda uncomfortable? Like...’are you for reals, or ya’ll just playing around?’ It’s so weird lol. I don’t want to admit it’s romance repulsion, but I guess it is. I’m happy for them, though. Really glad they’re making it work and stuff. :3 But when they’re affectionate I just...😐 and I realize that I can’t ever get close to them because they’re so into each other. Oh well. 

     

    ...And it’s even weirder cuz they didn’t even know each other for longer that half a year and yet they’re already dating?! Like wtf. How’d that even happen? I don’t get that at all. That sort of attraction. And it was mutual attraction, too! Like whoa. It’s...weird. I don’t get it at all.

     

    Ah. When I realize I won’t ever feel those sorts of feelings, it bums me out a bit. Especially because a lot of people prioritize that sort of thing. BUT I totally understand that I’m not the only one and romance ain’t everything blah blah I know that now. 

     

    🤔 I still daydream characters being all close and intimate and stuff, though. 🤔 Wonder if it’s something I want. 

     

    But I also loooove horror and slasher films lmao. So, eh. I’ve heard of ‘being in love with the idea of love’, I wonder if that’s me. 

     

    This one online friend keeps talking to me, though! And I don’t seem to bother her when I spam her with walls of texts of my Skyrim adventures or my disorganized thought process. 😄 She’s dating a person I’m friends with, too, lol. But they’re not as openly affectionate so I’m spared of that uncomfortableness. They’re definitely more reserved than the other two lol.

     

    Ahh, but it’s not like they’re always affectionate. Not really. And it’s easy to not look at posts like that, so whatever. 

    1. Emerald Cheetah

      Emerald Cheetah

      lol same. I'm soooo romance repulsed. I'm at the point that where whenever I see any couple being too affectionate, that I just can't help but roll my eyes or do something to show my disgust. Of course I do something really small so nobody else notices but I just can't help it BECAUSE IT'S SO REPULSIVE. But I kinda daydream about what it'd be like too. Romance is an interesting thing to say the least. However I always realize, in the end, that it's not for me. 

    2. AutistAro

      AutistAro

      @Emerald Cheetah lol. I just don't like sounding so petty or whatever but yowzers. Romance is weird 😂 

      Soft cuddly, fluffy moments are ok tho. But anything over the top is just whoa. 

  6. Hm. 🤔 I’ve wondered this, too, actually. When I realized I was autistic (yeah, I’m self-diagnosed, please don’t hate, I did a lot of research) I wondered if my autistic wiring was the reason I didn’t understand romance. I’ve a natural disconnection with people. Feelings are hard to understand, for myself and others. But autistic folk are all different, cuz you know, we’re human; and we’re all different. Some autistic folk get super attached to people, some don’t. Just like aro folk who crave being with their loved ones while others don’t. With the autism, though, I know there’s a lot of ‘autistic people are apathetic’ thing. But...don’t aros get that, too? Lol. But with autism, it’s like...mental and physical stuff. For me, putting myself ‘in someone’s’ shoes is not possible. I just can’t do that. However, if I experience something someone else has, well. Then I’ll understand. But...how do you explain feelings? Attraction? Those things aren’t really tangible? They’re in our head. So, emotions, feelings. It’s tough for me. (Explaining things is hard, too, so sorry if this doesn’t make sense.) For me, I don’t get attached to people. I get attached to inanimate/fictional things. Not people. Because people are complicated with their emotions. Lol. That’s just me, though.
  7. @Holmbo This’ll sound silly, but how do you know someone doesn’t want to be friends? Or...like I’m reaching out to a friend, and I tend to reach out a lot when I see they’re freaking out on social media (nothing dramatic, but you can tell). But it feels like I’m not reaching them at all? I understand depression and anxiety can cloud your thoughts and make you think no one actually cares about you, or they’re just pitying you, OR I’m just not the person they want to open up to...but how do you know when to back off and leave them alone? I’m not trying to be a ‘good friend’ for the sake of it. No, I’m a ‘good friend’ because I actually really like these people. And I ain’t giving up until they send me a message that says something along the lines of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. (Happened before, I’m glad the person did that because I’ve stopped reaching them completely. I wasn’t hurt at all because they never really tried talking to me.) Agh. I don’t mean to use this site as a therapy thing. I’m genuinely asking for simple life advice? Or opinions. Discussions? Derp.
  8. I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to fall asleep. Thankfully I had off today, so I just stayed in bed until 4 pm. I daydreamed a lot. Maybe my inner desires? Who knows. But I ended the daydream scene pretty happily for the characters. Many of them still had to cope with their mental illnesses, but they have support from friends and partners. 

    I should be reaching out, too. But there are some people I just don’t want to be open with you know? And the people I do want to talk to just don’t seem interested/are too busy/are hurting/aren’t aro.

    Apparently my aroness is affecting me a lot (besides what the heck I’m going to do for the rest of my life and being unable to focus on anything blah blah.) I thought I had this all figured out, but then this thing just barges in my life and smothers me and I’m left drowning.

    I will have to work hard on eating right, sleeping right, and exercising. Don’t worry guys. I ain’t giving up on life. 

  9. Just last night, I mulled over what I’d like with people. An emotional bond. That’s it. Mutual trust. Mutual interest in each other. Mutual support. But without the ‘exclusiveness’. I figured I’d text one friend, be super honest and open and vulnerable, because they’re always like that, too in their social media. A wall of text I leave, and later coming out as aroace in a group chat. Yes. I felt really good that night.

    Went to work super early, not enough sleep nor any breakfast. That negative cloud was creeping in. I knew my friend would be awake soon. And sure enough, their twitter is blowing up. But they’re nothing to do with my message. I was not in a good mood by the end of work. I’m throwing a self-pity party by myself at home, under the covers. It’s later tonight when I decide to delete that message and instead let her know I wrote ‘a bit much lol’. Turns out, she hadn’t been on that messenger app the entire day. 

    Or she could’ve been lying and didn’t know what to say. 

    All I know is: sometimes you’re just not a person someone wants to get close to. Whether that be because they have a partner or because they just don’t want to talk to you who fucking knows. 

    I’m just so done with this shit guys. I’ve already had a meltdown before after one friend just disappeared from social media (but later messages me after I sent her a letter.) I understand that depression’s an asshole and makes you think no one wants you around. That no one will miss you, but holy fuck. I know they talk to their partners. Why not me? I really like these people and support them when I can and make conversation when I can but wow. And don’t even ‘they’re probably super busy’ me. Because I know they make time for their partners. 

    I get it now. I’m just not a person they want to talk to. That’s it. No hard feelings. Nothing personal. I treat my cousin like this, too. She loves and adores me. Tells me a lot of things because she trusts me. But I don’t feel the same about her. I just don’t. I feel like an asshole because of that, but oh well.

    So in a way, this is kind of like karma biting me in the ass lmao.

    That’s all it is. Some people ‘click’. Some don’t. Some people don’t want to be open with anyone but their partner. I respect that.

    But wow does it hurt. It really hurts. When did I become this fucking weak? Must be from all those close friendships I’d see and read about in fictional works. Haha. That’s all fantasy. We all know emotional bonds will not form platonically (being sarcastic.) Gods I feel horrible. Fuck me. I hate this part of myself so much. Just die. I want to kill this part. How do I kill this part of myself? Let me go back inside my head, back when my autistic ass didn’t even understand people had feelings. 

    1. NotHeartless

      NotHeartless

      Shit, I feel you. I mean, you read my status update so you know I went through something similar.
      It can hurt a whole lot when someone doesn't value you the same way you value them. Happens often enough with (from an aro perspective) romantic relationships, yeah. You can be the closest of friends with someone, it is still possible their partner is closer to them or means more to them. I don't really understand it either. I guess that is one of the burdens of the aromantic person.
      If you believe in karma, you can call it that. But I think emotional imbalance is rather normal in human relationships. Otherwise we wouldn't have relationship problems anymore and everyone would be happy with each other all the time. Don't blame yourself. You are already one step ahead because at least you realize the emotional gap and still try to be there and a good friend/cousin, etc.
      You don't give up on your friends even if they cut themselves off. I relate.
      I absolutely understand sometimes everything gets too much. And only a few people seem to fully understand your sadness and the origin of it. I also understand your wish to kill this part of you. Maybe things would be easier then but at the same time you would feel less and maybe everything left would be emptiness. Which isn't really better.

      P.S: " When did I become this fucking weak?" - could be a sentence written by me but you aren't weak. You are just human.

    2. AutistAro

      AutistAro

      @NotHeartless Thank you. And I’m really sorry you had to go through something like that. Not a fun experience at all. 

      I don’t want to give up on my friends (or acquaintances, cuz I don’t know what a ‘friend’ is anymore.) I’m feeling very petty and bitter, but it’s no one’s fault, you know? I could blame society, but nah. Just gotta learn from this. And move on? I don’t know where to start, but no one’s there to help me. 

      I’m glad there are people who understand this sort of rejection, though. It sucks, but I know we can all move on. Eventually. 

       

      P.S. lol aren’t aro folk told we’re not human? Ah, people. Just because we love in a different way, the majority think we’re lesser beings or something. 

    3. NotHeartless

      NotHeartless

      Thanks for the sympathy.
      Yes, I know. I know this feeling. There isn't anyone to blame but you feel like shit because of the circumstances. And you can't talk to anybody about it, you feel isolated and alone with your feelings. Right? If so, I definitely know what you are talking about. Life is like that sometimes.
      Eventually, we'll be able to move on. Sometimes memories still hurt after weeks, months and years. It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to stay in bad for a day if you can't manage to get up. Just don't drown entirely in the negative emotions.
      And you can always talk here, even though we are strangers. Doesn't matter, we are in the same boat.
      I sincerely hope you'll feel better soon.

      Yeah, people say we are "not human". It doesn't make any sense at all. We exist and we are humans, aromanticism is another facet of being human. People who refuse to see it are stupid.

  10. 😨 That reminds me of this tumblr post I made a year ago about how making new friends is what dating must be like. I think I was whining about something, but one of those new friends I had made replied with “If [the person you’re trying to be better friends with] doesn’t put in the same effort as you, they’re not worth it”. 😰 And...it made me think a lot about how I think about them all and worry about them. And I try to make conversation with them individually in private message, but a lot of times they don’t start a conversation. Like...maybe there’s isn’t much to talk about, but...isn’t that what starting a new friendship is like sometimes? Eh...I’m not as worried about them anymore. If they really don’t care about me, and only think of me as a casual friend, it’s ok. I’m very glad to have met them! Some people just don’t want to talk to me, and that’s ok. I’m like that, too with other people. 😓
  11. Sooo, is the apocalypse discord still active?
  12. I’m pretty sure all my close friends and family here at home think I’m either gay or ‘independent’. Lol. I don’t consider myself gay at all. Queer definitely. Most definitely. But not gay. Because gay means I’m interested in a relationship and/or sex with someone, and I’m not. However, if I come out as aroace and explain what this is, they’re gonna think I’m fine being alone. It’s not really a big deal, coming out to them. I’m more concerned about expressing my interests and finding hardly any non-romantic stuff in fandoms ;-; 

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. AutistAro

      AutistAro

      You...make a good point. 😶 To explain what it means to be aroace in my words and not the definition. Huh...why didn’t I think of that? Lol. 

       

      Ahh, but I don’t even know what I want in relationships 😵 But I know what I don’t want! :D 

    3. Apathetic Echidna

      Apathetic Echidna

      😃 one of my favourite things to bring up whenever and wherever I can is: we define things not only by what they are like but also what they are not!  

       

      as long as you have half of the equation (what you don't want) you can sort out the other side eventually if you want to 😎

    4. Anything_but_allo

      Anything_but_allo

      Aw yea I agree with echidna, jsut try your best to explain to three what being aroace is and that you truly feel this way and that you’re not incapable of loving others platonically. Thanks for venting, I hope everything goes well 💚

  13. I have mixed feelings about the word ‘friend’. What a ‘friend’ is depends on the person, I’m aware of that. I kinda thought of Kingdom Hearts, and how Sora, the main character, is always making a bunch of friends. He’ll meet someone for 5 minutes and boom, they’re friends. And it’s not shallow at all, the way this is portrayed. It’s actually really sweet! That’s how I see it though. But that’s fiction, and real life...a lot of people have wants and needs from others. A lot of people want more. Or heck, they might want less. I’ve actually noticed my friends do this! They’ll add kissy emojis and hearts lol. I didn’t do this before, but now I do, too. It’s silly, but it’s also kinda nice. ;-; I wanna be a good friend ;-; It’s just the thought of being...not important to them that bums me out. Obviously this is some insecurity thing with myself. >>” Honestly my feelings go all over the place. Like sometimes I want to be a bit more intimate? Like, emotionally. But then I remember their alloromantic and...bleh. But I won’t give up! I’ll try embracing being a ‘good friend’ from now on. Because dammit, unless you don’t communicate with your friends, you shouldn’t be assuming anything! Thank you for being understanding TwT
  14. YES. Dude, YES. It’s the characters’ interactions with each other, their dynamic that I’m super into and what makes me ship them! I was so blinded and smothered by the romance bit that I kinda lost my mind back then. ;-; What could be. Yes! That’s what makes fandom fun, yo! Mixing and matching different identities with different societies, etc. etc.
  15. !! @Anything_but_allo That...makes a lot of sense actually! I was worried the warmth went away cuz I didn't care about her anymore 😰 I thought maybe, if you didn't feel anything for the people you supposedly care about, you don't actually care. 😶 There is still much to learn about human emotions lol. Thanks for replying 😄 💚
  16. Not sure where to put this, or if it's even an aro thing. But...I've been called a 'good friend' by everyone in this group chat I'm in. Now, most of us knew each other roughly the same amount of time, but I know everyone got along differently behind the scenes, because four people coupled up. I care about them all, and I make sure to private message all of em every now and then, because I actually like talking to all of them individually! But...when they call me a "good friend" I feel...bummed out. Like...a "good friend" sounds so...fake. Like I don't mean anything. Like Im just there. I realize I don't really open up all the time like they all do, but they've said it's ok. But...why open up if they've got significant others? I feel like since they've got partners emotional stuff is only between them. I know it's BS, but I feel these boundaries. I'm just a "good friend". I should know my place. But I don't want to be a "good friend". This is so stupid but wow it really gets to me...
  17. I’ve noticed that the color green seems really appealing to me now lol. I wonder if it’s a subconscious thing because I’ve finally accepted my aro-ness. 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Jot-Aro Kujo

      Jot-Aro Kujo

      I definitely have come to appreciate green more ever since finding out I'm aro, lmao. It really is a nice color!

    3. aro_elise

      aro_elise

      it's tied into a few things for me.

      -i'm aro

      -my birthstone is emerald (may)

      -i'm in slytherin

      -i'm vegan

       

      and i do just like it as a colour.

    4. girlphoenix66

      girlphoenix66

      Since I realized I was aro, I've started to wear more green clothes just as an inside joke to myself but I've found that it really compliments my complexion, hair color, and eye color so it makes me feel more confident as well :)

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