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AutistAro

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Everything posted by AutistAro

  1. Hm. 🤔 I’ve wondered this, too, actually. When I realized I was autistic (yeah, I’m self-diagnosed, please don’t hate, I did a lot of research) I wondered if my autistic wiring was the reason I didn’t understand romance. I’ve a natural disconnection with people. Feelings are hard to understand, for myself and others. But autistic folk are all different, cuz you know, we’re human; and we’re all different. Some autistic folk get super attached to people, some don’t. Just like aro folk who crave being with their loved ones while others don’t. With the autism, though, I know there’s a lot of ‘autistic people are apathetic’ thing. But...don’t aros get that, too? Lol. But with autism, it’s like...mental and physical stuff. For me, putting myself ‘in someone’s’ shoes is not possible. I just can’t do that. However, if I experience something someone else has, well. Then I’ll understand. But...how do you explain feelings? Attraction? Those things aren’t really tangible? They’re in our head. So, emotions, feelings. It’s tough for me. (Explaining things is hard, too, so sorry if this doesn’t make sense.) For me, I don’t get attached to people. I get attached to inanimate/fictional things. Not people. Because people are complicated with their emotions. Lol. That’s just me, though.
  2. AutistAro

    A good friend

    Not sure where to put this, or if it's even an aro thing. But...I've been called a 'good friend' by everyone in this group chat I'm in. Now, most of us knew each other roughly the same amount of time, but I know everyone got along differently behind the scenes, because four people coupled up. I care about them all, and I make sure to private message all of em every now and then, because I actually like talking to all of them individually! But...when they call me a "good friend" I feel...bummed out. Like...a "good friend" sounds so...fake. Like I don't mean anything. Like Im just there. I realize I don't really open up all the time like they all do, but they've said it's ok. But...why open up if they've got significant others? I feel like since they've got partners emotional stuff is only between them. I know it's BS, but I feel these boundaries. I'm just a "good friend". I should know my place. But I don't want to be a "good friend". This is so stupid but wow it really gets to me...
  3. AutistAro

    A good friend

    @Holmbo This’ll sound silly, but how do you know someone doesn’t want to be friends? Or...like I’m reaching out to a friend, and I tend to reach out a lot when I see they’re freaking out on social media (nothing dramatic, but you can tell). But it feels like I’m not reaching them at all? I understand depression and anxiety can cloud your thoughts and make you think no one actually cares about you, or they’re just pitying you, OR I’m just not the person they want to open up to...but how do you know when to back off and leave them alone? I’m not trying to be a ‘good friend’ for the sake of it. No, I’m a ‘good friend’ because I actually really like these people. And I ain’t giving up until they send me a message that says something along the lines of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. (Happened before, I’m glad the person did that because I’ve stopped reaching them completely. I wasn’t hurt at all because they never really tried talking to me.) Agh. I don’t mean to use this site as a therapy thing. I’m genuinely asking for simple life advice? Or opinions. Discussions? Derp.
  4. I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to fall asleep. Thankfully I had off today, so I just stayed in bed until 4 pm. I daydreamed a lot. Maybe my inner desires? Who knows. But I ended the daydream scene pretty happily for the characters. Many of them still had to cope with their mental illnesses, but they have support from friends and partners. 

    I should be reaching out, too. But there are some people I just don’t want to be open with you know? And the people I do want to talk to just don’t seem interested/are too busy/are hurting/aren’t aro.

    Apparently my aroness is affecting me a lot (besides what the heck I’m going to do for the rest of my life and being unable to focus on anything blah blah.) I thought I had this all figured out, but then this thing just barges in my life and smothers me and I’m left drowning.

    I will have to work hard on eating right, sleeping right, and exercising. Don’t worry guys. I ain’t giving up on life. 

  5. Just last night, I mulled over what I’d like with people. An emotional bond. That’s it. Mutual trust. Mutual interest in each other. Mutual support. But without the ‘exclusiveness’. I figured I’d text one friend, be super honest and open and vulnerable, because they’re always like that, too in their social media. A wall of text I leave, and later coming out as aroace in a group chat. Yes. I felt really good that night.

    Went to work super early, not enough sleep nor any breakfast. That negative cloud was creeping in. I knew my friend would be awake soon. And sure enough, their twitter is blowing up. But they’re nothing to do with my message. I was not in a good mood by the end of work. I’m throwing a self-pity party by myself at home, under the covers. It’s later tonight when I decide to delete that message and instead let her know I wrote ‘a bit much lol’. Turns out, she hadn’t been on that messenger app the entire day. 

    Or she could’ve been lying and didn’t know what to say. 

    All I know is: sometimes you’re just not a person someone wants to get close to. Whether that be because they have a partner or because they just don’t want to talk to you who fucking knows. 

    I’m just so done with this shit guys. I’ve already had a meltdown before after one friend just disappeared from social media (but later messages me after I sent her a letter.) I understand that depression’s an asshole and makes you think no one wants you around. That no one will miss you, but holy fuck. I know they talk to their partners. Why not me? I really like these people and support them when I can and make conversation when I can but wow. And don’t even ‘they’re probably super busy’ me. Because I know they make time for their partners. 

    I get it now. I’m just not a person they want to talk to. That’s it. No hard feelings. Nothing personal. I treat my cousin like this, too. She loves and adores me. Tells me a lot of things because she trusts me. But I don’t feel the same about her. I just don’t. I feel like an asshole because of that, but oh well.

    So in a way, this is kind of like karma biting me in the ass lmao.

    That’s all it is. Some people ‘click’. Some don’t. Some people don’t want to be open with anyone but their partner. I respect that.

    But wow does it hurt. It really hurts. When did I become this fucking weak? Must be from all those close friendships I’d see and read about in fictional works. Haha. That’s all fantasy. We all know emotional bonds will not form platonically (being sarcastic.) Gods I feel horrible. Fuck me. I hate this part of myself so much. Just die. I want to kill this part. How do I kill this part of myself? Let me go back inside my head, back when my autistic ass didn’t even understand people had feelings. 

    1. NotHeartless

      NotHeartless

      Shit, I feel you. I mean, you read my status update so you know I went through something similar.
      It can hurt a whole lot when someone doesn't value you the same way you value them. Happens often enough with (from an aro perspective) romantic relationships, yeah. You can be the closest of friends with someone, it is still possible their partner is closer to them or means more to them. I don't really understand it either. I guess that is one of the burdens of the aromantic person.
      If you believe in karma, you can call it that. But I think emotional imbalance is rather normal in human relationships. Otherwise we wouldn't have relationship problems anymore and everyone would be happy with each other all the time. Don't blame yourself. You are already one step ahead because at least you realize the emotional gap and still try to be there and a good friend/cousin, etc.
      You don't give up on your friends even if they cut themselves off. I relate.
      I absolutely understand sometimes everything gets too much. And only a few people seem to fully understand your sadness and the origin of it. I also understand your wish to kill this part of you. Maybe things would be easier then but at the same time you would feel less and maybe everything left would be emptiness. Which isn't really better.

      P.S: " When did I become this fucking weak?" - could be a sentence written by me but you aren't weak. You are just human.

    2. AutistAro

      AutistAro

      @NotHeartless Thank you. And I’m really sorry you had to go through something like that. Not a fun experience at all. 

      I don’t want to give up on my friends (or acquaintances, cuz I don’t know what a ‘friend’ is anymore.) I’m feeling very petty and bitter, but it’s no one’s fault, you know? I could blame society, but nah. Just gotta learn from this. And move on? I don’t know where to start, but no one’s there to help me. 

      I’m glad there are people who understand this sort of rejection, though. It sucks, but I know we can all move on. Eventually. 

       

      P.S. lol aren’t aro folk told we’re not human? Ah, people. Just because we love in a different way, the majority think we’re lesser beings or something. 

    3. NotHeartless

      NotHeartless

      Thanks for the sympathy.
      Yes, I know. I know this feeling. There isn't anyone to blame but you feel like shit because of the circumstances. And you can't talk to anybody about it, you feel isolated and alone with your feelings. Right? If so, I definitely know what you are talking about. Life is like that sometimes.
      Eventually, we'll be able to move on. Sometimes memories still hurt after weeks, months and years. It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to stay in bad for a day if you can't manage to get up. Just don't drown entirely in the negative emotions.
      And you can always talk here, even though we are strangers. Doesn't matter, we are in the same boat.
      I sincerely hope you'll feel better soon.

      Yeah, people say we are "not human". It doesn't make any sense at all. We exist and we are humans, aromanticism is another facet of being human. People who refuse to see it are stupid.

  6. Anyone else yearn for ‘something more’, but a romantic relationship isn’t it? I’m pretty sure the reason I think these things and feel so distraught is because of all the romantic saturation in Western society. Ya’ll know what I’m talking about. All those ‘finding the one’ stories and giving everything up for your ‘one true love’. Those ‘I’m miserable but I found someone and now my life has meaning’. Those ‘friends to lovers’ stories. Soulmates. I was an avid shipper. It wasn’t until my online friends announced their dating status that I...broke? Not one, but TWO couples. Aiyaiyai. I was heartbroken. Because I thought they were going to ignore the group chat. Ignore me. Hell, I thought I was being invasive if I private messaged them. I just, didn’t know what to do. And I got so fed up with the shipping bulls*it. The romance. The soulmate AUs. The pairing up of every character and having the aro character happy to be alone and totally uninterested in being with anyone. Shipping. The thing that fueled me and made me fuzzy and happy now hurts and feels stupid. Like. I don’t want to be alone. I’ve realized, after coming out of my autistic head, that I actually like talking to people. I like having friends. Better yet, I love spending time with people I really like. Love chatting about interests or whatever. Small talk with those I care about and really like isn’t uncomfortable nor dumb. But realizing that a lot of people don’t want to get that close with their friends. Hell, what do I even want these days? Do I really want that intimacy I’ve read and seen so much about? Do I really want to be vulnerable with people I wholeheartedly trust? Then I wonder, what if someone reciprocated what I felt for them? Would I like that? Would I be put off? Would I want to go back to not knowing them that well? Or what if they want more of my time? More of my attention? I’ve never dated. Never been interested in that. I was too self-absorbed and in my own head back then to even understand people. So, I have no experience whatsoever. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. I just don’t know what I want with people. And even now I go in circles. I daydream and see myself with them, or with some faceless figure, doing all sorts of things. Romantic, platonic whatever. Point is we’re close. Really close. Then I snap back to reality and feel so...lost. Not disgusted, no. But...would they or anyone really want to be that close to me? I’ve read a lot of ‘found family’ stories. Stories where all the characters care for each other and try their hardest to be there for each other. They won’t sacrifice anything, but...they’re close. Relationships of all kinds take effort, I know that. You can’t control who people would rather spend their time with. I know all that. I think I’m going in circles now. Sorry. But it’s frustrating when I think about it. I really think it’s that amatonormativity. The strongest bond with ‘friends’ is nothing compared to ‘romantic partners’. Romance trumps all. This society I live in has too many restrictions with ‘friends’ and ‘partners’. It sucks. It really sucks. I hate amatonormativity. I’m not too concerned with finding a specific label for me. AroAce is fine. I’m fluctuating too much, and I’d really love to just be indifferent and move on. Agh. Anyone else struggling with these sorts of feelings? I figured my...solution is to write fanfics relating to these feelings. I’m a little scared my friends will read it and...know. But coming out seems scary. Especially because...what if they think I’m crushing on them when I’m not? Or they feel uncomfortable that I’d like to be a bit closer and they don’t want to? Ahh. Feelings. Relationships. Humans. Why it gotta be so complicated dammit.
  7. AutistAro

    A good friend

    😨 That reminds me of this tumblr post I made a year ago about how making new friends is what dating must be like. I think I was whining about something, but one of those new friends I had made replied with “If [the person you’re trying to be better friends with] doesn’t put in the same effort as you, they’re not worth it”. 😰 And...it made me think a lot about how I think about them all and worry about them. And I try to make conversation with them individually in private message, but a lot of times they don’t start a conversation. Like...maybe there’s isn’t much to talk about, but...isn’t that what starting a new friendship is like sometimes? Eh...I’m not as worried about them anymore. If they really don’t care about me, and only think of me as a casual friend, it’s ok. I’m very glad to have met them! Some people just don’t want to talk to me, and that’s ok. I’m like that, too with other people. 😓
  8. AutistAro

    Arocalypse Discord Server

    Sooo, is the apocalypse discord still active?
  9. I’m pretty sure all my close friends and family here at home think I’m either gay or ‘independent’. Lol. I don’t consider myself gay at all. Queer definitely. Most definitely. But not gay. Because gay means I’m interested in a relationship and/or sex with someone, and I’m not. However, if I come out as aroace and explain what this is, they’re gonna think I’m fine being alone. It’s not really a big deal, coming out to them. I’m more concerned about expressing my interests and finding hardly any non-romantic stuff in fandoms ;-; 

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. AutistAro

      AutistAro

      You...make a good point. 😶 To explain what it means to be aroace in my words and not the definition. Huh...why didn’t I think of that? Lol. 

       

      Ahh, but I don’t even know what I want in relationships 😵 But I know what I don’t want! :D 

    3. Apathetic Echidna

      Apathetic Echidna

      😃 one of my favourite things to bring up whenever and wherever I can is: we define things not only by what they are like but also what they are not!  

       

      as long as you have half of the equation (what you don't want) you can sort out the other side eventually if you want to 😎

    4. Anything_but_allo

      Anything_but_allo

      Aw yea I agree with echidna, jsut try your best to explain to three what being aroace is and that you truly feel this way and that you’re not incapable of loving others platonically. Thanks for venting, I hope everything goes well 💚

  10. AutistAro

    A good friend

    I have mixed feelings about the word ‘friend’. What a ‘friend’ is depends on the person, I’m aware of that. I kinda thought of Kingdom Hearts, and how Sora, the main character, is always making a bunch of friends. He’ll meet someone for 5 minutes and boom, they’re friends. And it’s not shallow at all, the way this is portrayed. It’s actually really sweet! That’s how I see it though. But that’s fiction, and real life...a lot of people have wants and needs from others. A lot of people want more. Or heck, they might want less. I’ve actually noticed my friends do this! They’ll add kissy emojis and hearts lol. I didn’t do this before, but now I do, too. It’s silly, but it’s also kinda nice. ;-; I wanna be a good friend ;-; It’s just the thought of being...not important to them that bums me out. Obviously this is some insecurity thing with myself. >>” Honestly my feelings go all over the place. Like sometimes I want to be a bit more intimate? Like, emotionally. But then I remember their alloromantic and...bleh. But I won’t give up! I’ll try embracing being a ‘good friend’ from now on. Because dammit, unless you don’t communicate with your friends, you shouldn’t be assuming anything! Thank you for being understanding TwT
  11. YES. Dude, YES. It’s the characters’ interactions with each other, their dynamic that I’m super into and what makes me ship them! I was so blinded and smothered by the romance bit that I kinda lost my mind back then. ;-; What could be. Yes! That’s what makes fandom fun, yo! Mixing and matching different identities with different societies, etc. etc.
  12. Back in my first year of uni, I had a class with a close friend. We would sit in the front row all the time. And then she and I would play, I guess, like footsie? We’d bump our legs over and over, or she would rest hers over mine. Her right leg and my left one lol. It was a simple act, nothing aggressive. And everytime we did this, I felt this warmth in my belly. I felt at peace. And as soon as we were out of the class, we parted ways. We never talked about anything deep. Nothing touchy-feely. But I haven’t felt that warmth since then. Even when we meet up once in a blue moon (we’re both busy and rarely meet up anymore), I don’t...feel that warmth when we hug. I just feel...on edge. Like, I’d like to be cuddly with her, but i can’t make the first move. I’ve told her about the warm feeling though, haha. She wasn’t weirded out. I just wonder why I don’t feel that warmth anymore ;-;. It was a nice feeling! Very comforting. Anyone else ever feel this?
  13. AutistAro

    This warm feeling, whatcha call it?

    !! @Anything_but_allo That...makes a lot of sense actually! I was worried the warmth went away cuz I didn't care about her anymore 😰 I thought maybe, if you didn't feel anything for the people you supposedly care about, you don't actually care. 😶 There is still much to learn about human emotions lol. Thanks for replying 😄 💚
  14. I’ve noticed that the color green seems really appealing to me now lol. I wonder if it’s a subconscious thing because I’ve finally accepted my aro-ness. 

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. NotHeartless

      NotHeartless

      Green has been my favorite color since childhood. Accepting being aro made my liking for it stronger again :aroicecream::D

    3. Jot-Aro Kujo

      Jot-Aro Kujo

      I definitely have come to appreciate green more ever since finding out I'm aro, lmao. It really is a nice color!

    4. aro_elise

      aro_elise

      it's tied into a few things for me.

      -i'm aro

      -my birthstone is emerald (may)

      -i'm in slytherin

      -i'm vegan

       

      and i do just like it as a colour.

  15. @Anything_but_allo It helps to know someone understands 💚 Thank you ;-;
  16. I had a tumblr where I basically vented and reblogged a bunch of aro stuff I resonated with. But after that stupid update thing in December the site just...bleh. Wasn’t a perfect place to begin with, but I learned a lot there. How to human. About autism. I made new friends (I’m pretty sure we’re all friends now, not acquaintances. But I’ve squishes on two of them, and they’re dating so it’s...interesting.) All my tumblr blogs are gone. I deleted them. I’m done with that site. Twitter is too public. I was a little hysterical with trying to find other aros like me. 

     

    So, I’m very glad to be here. I hope it’s not as dead as I think it is. 

  17. AutistAro

    Help, I'm really confused

    Yeah! Plus, it could just be all that toxic amatonormativity that’s saturated in Western culture (especially the United States, you see this sort of romance everywhere). We’ve been like, brainwashed? We’re all led to believe we’ll all meet ‘the one’. Hell, I think that, too! Even now, and I know in my heart it’s not true. Feelings are strange. One’s happiness is different from another’s, you know? I know many of us just want strong bonds with people we like and get along with. (And I know some are perfectly fine on their own, which is cool, too.) I can relate to this, yo. And you know why? Because we’re all led to believe your bonds with a people mean nothing if we ain’t romantic with them. (Least that’s what I’ve concluded.) However, I do feel...something. Like a warmth? And giddiness when I’m having a discussion with a close friend. Or I’ll worry about them a lot and let them know I’m here to help. I fear they don’t care about me as much as I do for them, but at the same time I don’t mind? Because if we were any closer, what if they develop feelings that I can’t return? There’s only so much affection I can give. So much time I’d want to spend with them. Romance is just not for me. And it’s hard to accept my aro-ness sometimes. Now that’s just me. You could be totally different, because feelings are allllllll different. Being aro is a spectrum. Our feelings are a spectrum. Just...everything is a spectrum. There. Lol. Everything will be ok, friend. You’re not alone, ok? But do keep asking questions to figure yourself out!
  18. Wow. I totally feel that author. A part of me (the crazy shipper I used to be) feels bad, because even though I know ‘love’ doesn’t have to be romantic, I still feel like romantic love is THE ONE AND ULTIMATE. Lol. Amatonormativity at its finest. It’s really interesting how those feel good chemicals are released when you’re ‘in love’ or just you know, happy being around people ya like. Ah. Romance.
  19. AutistAro

    New here, hi

    I've been stalking this site for a short while now. Bout time I joined! I'm AutistAro. Autistic and aroace. Questioning a lot of things, but I'm really interested in relationship anarchy atm. And just... relationship "rules" in general. Society is pretty strange when it comes to relationships. Platonic. Romantic. Alterous. Amatonormativity. The toxicity that's displayed as the norm in a relationship. The need to be with someone. Touch. Sensual desires. But yeah. That's my intro.
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