Status Updates posted by AutistAro
It’s day 6 of no online socializing. Made the decision of leaving that group chat last night. I can still talk to members individually, but at this point, I don’t want to initiate conversations anymore. I think I burned myself out from trying to befriend everyone. From trying to keep the group chat from dying. I wanted friends but maybe my definition of ‘friend’ means something else to others. Least they have their romantic partners. I’m just an afterthought I guess. They mean well. Good people. I must’ve been overbearing. Always checking in if everyone was ok. Being overly optimistic. Acting like a child, pretty much. Always texting. Gotta back the fuck off. My brain’s weird, tho. I either go all out or not at all. Gotta learn the in between. Gotta back off.
Life’s gonna be like it was back then. All quiet. Me, myself, and I.
Not like I’m gonna build a wall or close myself off from others. But I definitely have to learn how to control myself.
Have to understand that for people with romantic partners, being close with friends is...not happening. ?
I don’t know how close is too close. Nor how close I want to be. But fuck, I can feel that boundary. I’m just not interesting enough for them? They don’t have fun talking to me? I find them interesting. I like talking to them. It wasn’t mutual it seems. And that’s ok. That’s life. There’s all sorts of people out there, but I think I need to befriend fellow aros. Because if romantic folk keep giving off that boundary I think I will internally combust. Not their fault. Not anyone’s fault. Just me being overly sensitive and weak. But tis a learning lesson. I’ll get over it.
Dang. I’ve noticed for a long time now that when these two online friends I have, who happen to be dating, are affectionate I get kinda uncomfortable? Like...’are you for reals, or ya’ll just playing around?’ It’s so weird lol. I don’t want to admit it’s romance repulsion, but I guess it is. I’m happy for them, though. Really glad they’re making it work and stuff. :3 But when they’re affectionate I just...😐 and I realize that I can’t ever get close to them because they’re so into each other. Oh well.
...And it’s even weirder cuz they didn’t even know each other for longer that half a year and yet they’re already dating?! Like wtf. How’d that even happen? I don’t get that at all. That sort of attraction. And it was mutual attraction, too! Like whoa. It’s...weird. I don’t get it at all.
Ah. When I realize I won’t ever feel those sorts of feelings, it bums me out a bit. Especially because a lot of people prioritize that sort of thing. BUT I totally understand that I’m not the only one and romance ain’t everything blah blah I know that now.
🤔 I still daydream characters being all close and intimate and stuff, though. 🤔 Wonder if it’s something I want.
But I also loooove horror and slasher films lmao. So, eh. I’ve heard of ‘being in love with the idea of love’, I wonder if that’s me.
This one online friend keeps talking to me, though! And I don’t seem to bother her when I spam her with walls of texts of my Skyrim adventures or my disorganized thought process. 😄 She’s dating a person I’m friends with, too, lol. But they’re not as openly affectionate so I’m spared of that uncomfortableness. They’re definitely more reserved than the other two lol.
Ahh, but it’s not like they’re always affectionate. Not really. And it’s easy to not look at posts like that, so whatever.
lol same. I'm soooo romance repulsed. I'm at the point that where whenever I see any couple being too affectionate, that I just can't help but roll my eyes or do something to show my disgust. Of course I do something really small so nobody else notices but I just can't help it BECAUSE IT'S SO REPULSIVE. But I kinda daydream about what it'd be like too. Romance is an interesting thing to say the least. However I always realize, in the end, that it's not for me.
@Emerald Cheetah lol. I just don't like sounding so petty or whatever but yowzers. Romance is weird 😂
Soft cuddly, fluffy moments are ok tho. But anything over the top is just whoa.
I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to fall asleep. Thankfully I had off today, so I just stayed in bed until 4 pm. I daydreamed a lot. Maybe my inner desires? Who knows. But I ended the daydream scene pretty happily for the characters. Many of them still had to cope with their mental illnesses, but they have support from friends and partners.
I should be reaching out, too. But there are some people I just don’t want to be open with you know? And the people I do want to talk to just don’t seem interested/are too busy/are hurting/aren’t aro.
Apparently my aroness is affecting me a lot (besides what the heck I’m going to do for the rest of my life and being unable to focus on anything blah blah.) I thought I had this all figured out, but then this thing just barges in my life and smothers me and I’m left drowning.
I will have to work hard on eating right, sleeping right, and exercising. Don’t worry guys. I ain’t giving up on life.
Just last night, I mulled over what I’d like with people. An emotional bond. That’s it. Mutual trust. Mutual interest in each other. Mutual support. But without the ‘exclusiveness’. I figured I’d text one friend, be super honest and open and vulnerable, because they’re always like that, too in their social media. A wall of text I leave, and later coming out as aroace in a group chat. Yes. I felt really good that night.
Went to work super early, not enough sleep nor any breakfast. That negative cloud was creeping in. I knew my friend would be awake soon. And sure enough, their twitter is blowing up. But they’re nothing to do with my message. I was not in a good mood by the end of work. I’m throwing a self-pity party by myself at home, under the covers. It’s later tonight when I decide to delete that message and instead let her know I wrote ‘a bit much lol’. Turns out, she hadn’t been on that messenger app the entire day.
Or she could’ve been lying and didn’t know what to say.
All I know is: sometimes you’re just not a person someone wants to get close to. Whether that be because they have a partner or because they just don’t want to talk to you who fucking knows.
I’m just so done with this shit guys. I’ve already had a meltdown before after one friend just disappeared from social media (but later messages me after I sent her a letter.) I understand that depression’s an asshole and makes you think no one wants you around. That no one will miss you, but holy fuck. I know they talk to their partners. Why not me? I really like these people and support them when I can and make conversation when I can but wow. And don’t even ‘they’re probably super busy’ me. Because I know they make time for their partners.
I get it now. I’m just not a person they want to talk to. That’s it. No hard feelings. Nothing personal. I treat my cousin like this, too. She loves and adores me. Tells me a lot of things because she trusts me. But I don’t feel the same about her. I just don’t. I feel like an asshole because of that, but oh well.
So in a way, this is kind of like karma biting me in the ass lmao.
That’s all it is. Some people ‘click’. Some don’t. Some people don’t want to be open with anyone but their partner. I respect that.
But wow does it hurt. It really hurts. When did I become this fucking weak? Must be from all those close friendships I’d see and read about in fictional works. Haha. That’s all fantasy. We all know emotional bonds will not form platonically (being sarcastic.) Gods I feel horrible. Fuck me. I hate this part of myself so much. Just die. I want to kill this part. How do I kill this part of myself? Let me go back inside my head, back when my autistic ass didn’t even understand people had feelings.
Shit, I feel you. I mean, you read my status update so you know I went through something similar.
It can hurt a whole lot when someone doesn't value you the same way you value them. Happens often enough with (from an aro perspective) romantic relationships, yeah. You can be the closest of friends with someone, it is still possible their partner is closer to them or means more to them. I don't really understand it either. I guess that is one of the burdens of the aromantic person.
If you believe in karma, you can call it that. But I think emotional imbalance is rather normal in human relationships. Otherwise we wouldn't have relationship problems anymore and everyone would be happy with each other all the time. Don't blame yourself. You are already one step ahead because at least you realize the emotional gap and still try to be there and a good friend/cousin, etc.
You don't give up on your friends even if they cut themselves off. I relate.
I absolutely understand sometimes everything gets too much. And only a few people seem to fully understand your sadness and the origin of it. I also understand your wish to kill this part of you. Maybe things would be easier then but at the same time you would feel less and maybe everything left would be emptiness. Which isn't really better.
P.S: " When did I become this fucking weak?" - could be a sentence written by me but you aren't weak. You are just human.
@NotHeartless Thank you. And I’m really sorry you had to go through something like that. Not a fun experience at all.
I don’t want to give up on my friends (or acquaintances, cuz I don’t know what a ‘friend’ is anymore.) I’m feeling very petty and bitter, but it’s no one’s fault, you know? I could blame society, but nah. Just gotta learn from this. And move on? I don’t know where to start, but no one’s there to help me.
I’m glad there are people who understand this sort of rejection, though. It sucks, but I know we can all move on. Eventually.
P.S. lol aren’t aro folk told we’re not human? Ah, people. Just because we love in a different way, the majority think we’re lesser beings or something.
Thanks for the sympathy.
Yes, I know. I know this feeling. There isn't anyone to blame but you feel like shit because of the circumstances. And you can't talk to anybody about it, you feel isolated and alone with your feelings. Right? If so, I definitely know what you are talking about. Life is like that sometimes.
Eventually, we'll be able to move on. Sometimes memories still hurt after weeks, months and years. It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to stay in bad for a day if you can't manage to get up. Just don't drown entirely in the negative emotions.
And you can always talk here, even though we are strangers. Doesn't matter, we are in the same boat.
I sincerely hope you'll feel better soon.
Yeah, people say we are "not human". It doesn't make any sense at all. We exist and we are humans, aromanticism is another facet of being human. People who refuse to see it are stupid.
I’m pretty sure all my close friends and family here at home think I’m either gay or ‘independent’. Lol. I don’t consider myself gay at all. Queer definitely. Most definitely. But not gay. Because gay means I’m interested in a relationship and/or sex with someone, and I’m not. However, if I come out as aroace and explain what this is, they’re gonna think I’m fine being alone. It’s not really a big deal, coming out to them. I’m more concerned about expressing my interests and finding hardly any non-romantic stuff in fandoms ;-;
I’ve noticed that the color green seems really appealing to me now lol. I wonder if it’s a subconscious thing because I’ve finally accepted my aro-ness.
I had a tumblr where I basically vented and reblogged a bunch of aro stuff I resonated with. But after that stupid update thing in December the site just...bleh. Wasn’t a perfect place to begin with, but I learned a lot there. How to human. About autism. I made new friends (I’m pretty sure we’re all friends now, not acquaintances. But I’ve squishes on two of them, and they’re dating so it’s...interesting.) All my tumblr blogs are gone. I deleted them. I’m done with that site. Twitter is too public. I was a little hysterical with trying to find other aros like me.
So, I’m very glad to be here. I hope it’s not as dead as I think it is.