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AutistAro

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About AutistAro

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    AutistAro
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    Non-binary
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  • Romanticism
    Aro
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    Ace

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  1. I totally did not forget about this site lol.

     

    Where to begin holy crap. 

     

    September 1st I decided to cut everyone I befriended in that group chat. Unfriended, deleted my Twitters. I did let them know of my situation. kind of haha. ‘Need some time to myself. It’s not you it’s me’ bull. Which, techinically IS true. All those crazy feelings I had, overreacting, burning out—it was all me. Though I didn’t let some others know, I just cut them off (not like we were talking much anyways.)

     

    And you know what? I feel so free. Relieved. 

     

    Ahhh. I’m a stupid mess. But in my defense, they were the first batch of friends I ever made that I opened up to. =w=“ Like, really opened up to. And I’m definitely not repeating this mess again! Sucks that I lost friends, but at least I learned from it yeah?

     

    I’m back to shipping again~ Though I’m staying the hell away from fandom life >>” Too many allos. ==“ 

     

    I really don’t like people. Don’t know why I got so attached to those folk. I hate my brain sometimes. :) 

  2. Welp.

    It’s day 6 of no online socializing. Made the decision of leaving that group chat last night. I can still talk to members individually, but at this point, I don’t want to initiate conversations anymore. I think I burned myself out from trying to befriend everyone. From trying to keep the group chat from dying. I wanted friends but maybe my definition of ‘friend’ means something else to others. Least they have their romantic partners. I’m just an afterthought I guess. They mean well. Good people. I must’ve been overbearing. Always checking in if everyone was ok. Being overly optimistic. Acting like a child, pretty much. Always texting. Gotta back the fuck off. My brain’s weird, tho. I either go all out or not at all. Gotta learn the in between. Gotta back off. 

    Life’s gonna be like it was back then. All quiet. Me, myself, and I. 

    Not like I’m gonna build a wall or close myself off from others. But I definitely have to learn how to control myself. 

    Have to understand that for people with romantic partners, being close with friends is...not happening. ? 

    I don’t know how close is too close. Nor how close I want to be. But fuck, I can feel that boundary. I’m just not interesting enough for them?  They don’t have fun talking to me? I find them interesting. I like talking to them. It wasn’t mutual it seems. And that’s ok. That’s life. There’s all sorts of people out there, but I think I need to befriend fellow aros. Because if romantic folk keep giving off that boundary I think I will internally combust. Not their fault. Not anyone’s fault. Just me being overly sensitive and weak. But tis a learning lesson. I’ll get over it.

  3. Seiyuu/Japanese voice actors (I'm one of those fans who buy seiyuu CDs.)
  4. :< no. And I doubt I ever will. I was gonna say it doesn’t matter, but those online friends have coupled up and met each other in person... Aro struggles I guess. Which is why I started the twitter group chat. I just asked them right now if it was ok (after bombarding them with cat videos to soften the mood). They were cool with it. B was feeling shitty, but I made sure to have a ‘thing’s will get better stay strong friend’ attitude because apparently being sympathetic won’t work. No. A has reached out a few times. A likes helping people. They would help me distract my thoughts. But that’s about it. B, though, I guess hasn’t really supported me? But she’s always overwhelmed, and I understand that sometimes you just can’t worry about others when your life is insane. Plus, I never really talk to her privately about any issues I’m having. I usually go to the group chat and vent on a specific venting chat. But yeah...she and A never really reach out. But I understand it’s because I don’t give them a chance to make a move. I’m impatient. And scared. I need to accept that A and B don’t want me to be anything but a casual friend. I’m at fault because I got carried away and gave too much. Eventually I started wanting more from them, and I was heartbroken when they started dating. But my dumbass was persistent. I don’t know what I want with them. They’re interesting and admirable people to me. I’m lonely and I know I should just give up on these two, but I don’t want to. I won’t give too much anymore. I won’t think of us as anything but casual internet buddies. I know I fucked up. I squished a little too hard on those people from the group chat. Thank you @Apathetic Echidna for your words. Wish I was apathetic about human relationships. But I’m not.
  5. I might be overreacting and overthinking. But I've noticed a lot of things about this group chat I'm in (currently dead now, but I still talk to some members individually.) I don't know where to start ahhh. So frustrating. And I shouldn't be doing this? But I figured there's others who've experienced this and might give some insight. Basically. I want to keep contact and remain good friends with Person A and B. Person A is the person who posts 'you can always talk to me!' on their social media. So...I do that. I private message them and the conversations always feel forced for me. I've noticed that I'm always the one making the first move. They've reached out to me when I was freaking out on social media, which was like, a handful of times. But other than that...I get the feeling A doesn't really seem interested in being more than mutuals. We're friends, but not friends. Which is fine, I guess...but I'm starting to think it's because they thought their romantic partner, B, should've 'fallen for [me]'. Person B I really found interesting when the group chat was new and super active. I'd message her privately a lot and ask about her stories and OCs. She's very open and emotional, and she's aware of this. And I find that very inspiring. But when she and A started dating back in the summer...I've just felt like a nuisance. I reach out to her a lot. Like a lot when she's super sad and freaking out on social media. I've helped her out a lot, not because I wanted to buy her friendship but because I was genuinely worried for her and wanted her to be happy. This is why A thought I should've been in a relationship with B, lol. It broke my heart when B told me this. Because this was typical amatonormative thinking. But anyways, recently I realized I was probably stressing B out everytime I reached out to her. 'Are you ok?' 'Can I help?' 'I can do this for you.' 'I'm available if you just want a distraction.' I didn't realize how pushy I was being until now... I hadn't reached out for any other reason besides my concern for her after she got into a relationship. So I think she thought I pitied her or something...I didn't talk to her much because I thought she was happier with her partner, A, and with the other group chat she's in. But recently I've learned this was not the case. She still has a hard time making friends, and she thinks everyone hates her because she's posts a lot of negative thinking on her social media. Like...I get that sort of shit putts people off, but eh. Shows me their human at least. Anyways, I started talking normally to them again. I started a group chat with them on Twitter. Because I figured maybe A and B won't be so anxious if we're all talking together? But I didn't ask their permission to do this...whoops. I don't know what to do guys. I want to stay on good terms with A and B. I know they don't hate me. They have school and Real Life to deal with, and their socially anxious. 'It's not you, it's me' sort of thing. But...you know. I keep talking to both of them through an anonymous ask option. They sometimes tweet later how they're so happy someone asked about their stories and...I wonder how they'd react if they learned it was all me? All those asks...from me? It's pitiful I know. But gods humans are so difficult. Me included. Why can't my autistic brain just be normal? I should go and find a partner, too. Maybe that'll make me happy? I thought I wanted to be closer to these online friends, but now I'm not so sure. I don't fucking know anymore. A and B treat me kindly. I know they mean no harm. Everyone's just anxious. But I've googled a lot of things and...if your 'friends' don't ever make the first move in starting a conversation, one of the reasons could be that they're just not interested in you. You're just not the person they want to talk to. Am I that person they don't want to talk to? Am I just a mutual? How come they 'clicked' and I didn't? Ah. Making friends is hard. I guess we're drifting apart already. A and B are lucky to be dating. I thought, 'maybe we're not friends because we've only known each other for a year?' But they got together in like, 6 months. Less, I think. I don't know guys. Am I just a nuisance at this point? Or should I keep reaching out? Am I reaching out too much? What is too much? Is it just a boundary thing because we're not dating? Gods this is confusing. I thought I had this figured out but it still bothers me. I've opened up so much, and I don't want to just give up! All those feelings I spilled from personal issues. Is this heartbreak? I've already broken down twice because of this. I feel like those puppies you see on the street. You pet them and give them attention, but in the end you can't and won't take them home with you. I'm that puppy. Just a puppy. :')
  6. Dang. I’ve noticed for a long time now that when these two online friends I have, who happen to be dating, are affectionate I get kinda uncomfortable? Like...’are you for reals, or ya’ll just playing around?’ It’s so weird lol. I don’t want to admit it’s romance repulsion, but I guess it is. I’m happy for them, though. Really glad they’re making it work and stuff. :3 But when they’re affectionate I just...😐 and I realize that I can’t ever get close to them because they’re so into each other. Oh well. 

     

    ...And it’s even weirder cuz they didn’t even know each other for longer that half a year and yet they’re already dating?! Like wtf. How’d that even happen? I don’t get that at all. That sort of attraction. And it was mutual attraction, too! Like whoa. It’s...weird. I don’t get it at all.

     

    Ah. When I realize I won’t ever feel those sorts of feelings, it bums me out a bit. Especially because a lot of people prioritize that sort of thing. BUT I totally understand that I’m not the only one and romance ain’t everything blah blah I know that now. 

     

    🤔 I still daydream characters being all close and intimate and stuff, though. 🤔 Wonder if it’s something I want. 

     

    But I also loooove horror and slasher films lmao. So, eh. I’ve heard of ‘being in love with the idea of love’, I wonder if that’s me. 

     

    This one online friend keeps talking to me, though! And I don’t seem to bother her when I spam her with walls of texts of my Skyrim adventures or my disorganized thought process. 😄 She’s dating a person I’m friends with, too, lol. But they’re not as openly affectionate so I’m spared of that uncomfortableness. They’re definitely more reserved than the other two lol.

     

    Ahh, but it’s not like they’re always affectionate. Not really. And it’s easy to not look at posts like that, so whatever. 

    1. Emerald Cheetah

      Emerald Cheetah

      lol same. I'm soooo romance repulsed. I'm at the point that where whenever I see any couple being too affectionate, that I just can't help but roll my eyes or do something to show my disgust. Of course I do something really small so nobody else notices but I just can't help it BECAUSE IT'S SO REPULSIVE. But I kinda daydream about what it'd be like too. Romance is an interesting thing to say the least. However I always realize, in the end, that it's not for me. 

    2. AutistAro

      AutistAro

      @Emerald Cheetah lol. I just don't like sounding so petty or whatever but yowzers. Romance is weird 😂 

      Soft cuddly, fluffy moments are ok tho. But anything over the top is just whoa. 

  7. Hm. 🤔 I’ve wondered this, too, actually. When I realized I was autistic (yeah, I’m self-diagnosed, please don’t hate, I did a lot of research) I wondered if my autistic wiring was the reason I didn’t understand romance. I’ve a natural disconnection with people. Feelings are hard to understand, for myself and others. But autistic folk are all different, cuz you know, we’re human; and we’re all different. Some autistic folk get super attached to people, some don’t. Just like aro folk who crave being with their loved ones while others don’t. With the autism, though, I know there’s a lot of ‘autistic people are apathetic’ thing. But...don’t aros get that, too? Lol. But with autism, it’s like...mental and physical stuff. For me, putting myself ‘in someone’s’ shoes is not possible. I just can’t do that. However, if I experience something someone else has, well. Then I’ll understand. But...how do you explain feelings? Attraction? Those things aren’t really tangible? They’re in our head. So, emotions, feelings. It’s tough for me. (Explaining things is hard, too, so sorry if this doesn’t make sense.) For me, I don’t get attached to people. I get attached to inanimate/fictional things. Not people. Because people are complicated with their emotions. Lol. That’s just me, though.
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