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NotHeartless

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Everything posted by NotHeartless

  1. Makes sense to me since my realization of my romantic orientation went down in a similar way. I know the distinct feeling of being everything but romantic as soon as things get past the "friendship stage". I can also relate to the way you love people and it's great you got into a QPR, congrats! Wish you guys all the best. And now: welcome to the aro side of things
  2. @momokoala I confused admiration with crushes for a long time too - I can quite relate to your experience there. Especially when someone has an outstanding intellect. In my case, I confused sexual attraction with romantic attraction as well. It made me wonder how I can think about sex but don't want to kiss or hold hands.
  3. Hi Ama, welcome to the forums! Have some ice cream from me too:
  4. Fitting for Valentine's day . Romantic love definitely is a losing game. Though a game I don't want to play in the first place. The graphics and controls are atrocious.
  5. I feel I'm conflicted about it. For once, it is quite ironic for this site to have a sort of dating section. On the other hand I understand people who'd want to at least try to find someone for a QPR via arocalypse (when I think about a QPR, it'd be most ideal with another aro person IMO). Guess I'm too romance repulsed but if it's in a subforum I can live with it - I don't need to look into it.
  6. To add a little different perspective also: I tend to be emotional instable (I show some significant symptoms of borderline) and there is the assumption people with borderline are extremely afraid of losing someone and basically live in symbiosis with their significant other. While I do tend to feel intense about my friendships and do suffer (a lot) when I lose a close friend, I still don't fall in love and don't like the whole idea of exclusive (romantic) relationships. Which seems rare for someone with BPD (I swear you have no idea how many articles and books I have read about the disorder where it's all about the relationship to a romantic partner). I know this isn't exactly what you asked @yester but I want to illustrate you can have a mental condition and still be aro. With other mental conditions it can get really complicated to tell apart if you feel the way you feel because of mental health or because you are just that way - it's your orientation. But either way it's important to accept oneself and I personally don't make a difference in what the exact cause for e.g. aromanticism is. As long as you don't suffer because of it (which is a safe sign something is wrong) I don't consider it as something you need to stress yourself about it. Just take care in general.
  7. With the current terms available, I would consider it a friendship/connection with sex or "friendship with benefits" as they say. But I realized, thanks to arocalypse, most alloromantics seem to think "friendship with beneftis" is only about the sex, the "friendship" is basically non-existent or consists of exchanging a few words and that's it. So, no friendship at all and it comes down to casual sex all over again. And then it seems impossible for allromantics to not fall for someone they're banging. Which is hard for me to comprehend but that's one reason why I'm here. Honestly, if the situation would ever came to be and I find another aromantic person I like, we'd have a non exclusive, close bond and sexual fun together, I wouldn't term it. I would just take it as what it is. Society feels like a deadlock with their monogamous romantic relationships. The closest thing I got was a close friend I experimented sexually with. It was awesome - until he found himself a girlfriend and it ended. Same, old procedure.
  8. Day 7: I tend to listen to a really wide range of music - from pop charts to classical music, soft and hard tones. I can appreciate them all. My evergreens are Coldplay, Within Temptation, Queen, Pink Floyd, Mika, Gary Moore and Frank Sinatra. I love them because their lyrics touch my soul, speak to my spirit and make me experience another realm of reality.
  9. Ok, for day 4: what I love most about my friends is that I'm able to laugh wholeheartedly with them and the certainty they always have my back. For two of my closest friends, I could write a whole book on what I like/love about them
  10. "I don't fall in love but I feel like my love is scattered all over my friendships."
  11. My favorite animal is the turtle - various types of it. I just like their appearance and nature, their shell, their amazing lifespan and their behaviour in the wild. Oh, and I could die from the cuteness of new hatched turtles.
  12. @lonelyace Wow, so he turned out to be a total asshole after all. I'm just glad you discovered his mindset this early and can forget about him now. Guess it still was an experience for you, although unfortunately not a pleasant one. But you got away with only a few scratches, at least.
  13. I agree completely. I wish for more autonomy for aromanticism. Even though yes, I can see why they want both communities to support and understand each other. It still has different repercussions to be aro, but not ace. And even here I have read posts of several aroaces saying being aro is more "important" to them because it's still more on display than their sexuality.
  14. Also make clear asexuality and aromanticism are orientations and not a choice. Asexuality has nothing to do with celibacy, only waiting until marriage or to save yourself up for "the one" and aromanticism isn't the conscious decision to stay single (though it can result in it).
  15. Regarding "sad as an aro"...
    I currently need to take care of old wounds. I met new people in my life, people I get along with great but I still need to think about the friendships I had which are now shattered to pieces.
    I feel especially upset about two people, a guy and a girl. Both of them led me down though I don't want to picture myself as "perfect friend". I am not flawless and I can behave like an ass. But I still feel so betrayed and misunderstood.
    For the girl, her relationship to her lover was way more important than me - though I knew her for years and stood by her side through thick and thin, through every heartbreak, through her depression and everything.
    For the dude, even though we knew much about each other and had a few years together, he was damn selfish and his satisfaction of needs was the most important thing. Not me nor his own gf. He wasn't interested in me, I was only a tool.
    Seriously guys, I don't fall in love but I feel like my love is scattered all over my friendships. New and old, bad and good. The memories hurt like hell at the moment, especially the memories of the girl. I probably behave like a drama king but I need to get this out because a) here are most likely people who understand me and b) I felt so numb the last weeks. Maybe this is one cause.
    It hurts so much when you like/platonically love someone and they seem to don't give a fuck about you after all.
    I have empathy and can understand many things, regarding human emotions. I understand when a friend falls in love and they want to spend much time with their lover. But there are boundaries, e.g. when I get abandoned after months and they never call me or if they do, they only want to talk about their relationship all the time.
    At the same time I'm mad at the separation of lovers/friends. It causes so much grief and anger inside of me, at this very moment. Our society is so strange. And I feel so cold, lonely and separate from so many people.
    I don't mind being alone but feeling a permanent gap between you and others because of amatonormativity is just...so...devastating. For me. I hate being so emotional. And they say aros don't have feelings or don't love anyone. Hahahaha...good one. I always hated my sensitivity (yeah I know, so much about self-love).
    I empty my glass of whiskey and sign off, I'm sorry for this mess. Kind of.
    At least I finally feel something right now and not only emptiness. If anyone can relate: you're welcome!

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. NullVector

      NullVector

      @NotHeartless re. "I don't fall in love but I feel like my love is scattered all over my friendships."

      I really like that sentence actually, maybe you'd like to add it here?

       

    3. Anything_but_allo

      Anything_but_allo

      @NotHeartless oh thank you so much, I really related to your words. I’m so glad I made you smile, thank you so much. Also, you’re not a bad person at all, you seem like such a compassionate person yourself :) 💚

    4. NotHeartless

      NotHeartless

      @NullVector thanks for the suggestion, I'll add it. Didn't think my half-drunk-emotional-troubled-writing would contain something productive.

      @Anything_but_allo I guess I am, sometimes a bit too compassionate for my tastes. Anyways, thank you for your warm words and sympathy. :hugs:

  16. Fantastic idea, @Anything_but_allo It's hard to pick a favorite food because there is lots of food I enjoy but I say pasta bake. I love to it eat since childhood and generally I'm a freak for noodle dishes since I can remember.
  17. What DavidMs703 wrote and I want to add that I often feel excitement when I think about my squish or when we spend time together. I can be nervous at the beginning as well. Sometimes I even have daydreams of the things we could do (e.g. go somewhere, watch a certain movie/series, play videogames) or things we could have an interesting conversation about. Some people describe their crushes this way but I know it's a squish because I want to be their friend (not "more").
  18. Yes. I do stop and wonder sometimes what it feels like to be in love or to feel emotional very close to someone (romantic love isn't required for this, I know). The thought of being a high priority in someone's life sometimes appeals to me (but not being no. 1 - that's too unsettling). What makes me sad about being aro is the piercing feeling of giving the most you can for a friendship but (in worst case) the other person throws you away anyway. We can argue if that was a friend in the first place but it's something I'm currently still struggling with. I lost a person I considered one of my closest friends over a year ago. I tried to talk about the issues we faced in our friendship but he didn't want to solve them. He broke the contact and I did not hear of him again since then. I still think about him and only feel sadness and huge disappointment. I knew him for years, we went through tough times together. It makes me ask this stupid question I often found myself asking when a "friend" turned me down: "What did I even mean to you?" Being aro doesn't automatically mean one is emotionally more invovled when it comes to friendships but for me it's the case. I also often feel anger because of amatonormativity. This friend and a second one, both got into romantic relationships over time and especially for the second friend I faded into the background. It's the main reason I try not to be sad about them being gone because they clearly didn't deserve me or my friendship. But still, it sucks.
  19. Both of your points are really good ones IMO. People talk about being touch averse here (and on AVEN) very openly which is refreshing and even comforting at times, to know you're not the only one. And since I stick around I finally have a word for this "quirk". Whereas in the past I thought it must be because of mental health problems or the way I was raised. I tried to explain my aversion to touch to my current psychotherapist but after we analysed my childhood situation he said something along the lines of: "eh, you''re going to like it in the future" (generally, he's a good psychologist that helped me with a lot difficulties but I do wish professionals would desist from projecting some of their personal beliefs onto their patients. Even with my former therapist; whenever I only mentioned I'm not interested in romantic relationships, they flipped their shit a little. But that belongs in another topic). In past relationships I tried to convince myself to like being touched so much. It didn't work and felt revulsion too many times. This is a little less touch related but you know how people say it's romantic when someone (you like) looks deep into your eyes? Happened to me in my first attempt at a relationship. It was plain horrible. I still get shudders just remembering and not in a good way.
  20. @awkwardchickenpotatodragon Great! I see. It's the Internet, often you can't be careful enough. Then again, I feel like this website is a kind of safe space. But only do what you're comfortable with.
  21. I don't have a direct advice but maybe you can still benefit by reading about my own experiences: I observed a tendency to rely on my parents for emotional support/comfort too. I don't live with them anymore, not even in the same place. But I clearly remember the time I still lived in my birthplace (own apartment) and thought "nobody truly cares for me but them". My living situation and mental health has changed to the better since then but I can empathize with your emotions regardless. I think there is no shame in living together with one's parents as adult and it's admirable and a wonderful thing to have solid relationships with people in your family. I approached the issue a bit like @Autumn suggested: I tried to find people who are as emotional available as I am in a friendship. Which isn't an easy task, but not impossible. I set myself out there, met new people and then decided if I wanted to be closer, only talk casually or part ways entirely. I mainly used the Internet which went down surprisingly well - met my roommate through it, many acquaintances and even someone I could almost call a soulmate. Though the most important thing isn't the count of people but a similar set of values when it comes to friendship. And then being able to communicate openly about your own principles. There are still people out there who are willing to stick through thick and thin with their friends. I purposely deepened my emotional bonds with people who feel the same way and saved my energy with people who view friendship as something shallow/steppingstone for romance. I fear people who get you completely are still rarer since I also have friendships where we joke, talk and have a good time together but a deeper level of connection is missing - the "serious part", where I'm able to show someone my vulnerability and demons and still feel accepted and loved. That's the case with maybe 3 or 4 people (beside my parents). I can only feel at home, secure and not alone when this is possible. My parents almost know everything about me, they know me since birth. So, it's no miracle I'd turn to them (probably the same with you). Now with these 3 or 4 people in my life, I've found people who have a similar understanding and acceptance of me as my parents (in 2 special cases even higher) and I know I can rely on others. I'm pretty sure it isn't uncommon for aromantics though I can't speak for everyone. Many still wish for a deeper connection, just without the romance part. I guess the whole issue is the reason why the "found family" trope appeals so much to me (and others in the forum). Friends can feel and be like family but everyone has got to be on the same page. Also, I've briefly mentioned my grandma here - we weren't biologically related but she felt more like family than my parents and relatives together. It is definitely possible to find emotional support and understanding outside our biological family. Just a few words about my parents at last: I call them weekly, see them in the holidays and I enjoy the time I get to spend with them very much. In my opinion, living on your own takes time to acclimate anyway; whether you are on good terms or not. Take your time.
  22. @awkwardchickenpotatodragon I uploaded the images I want to show to an external platform, e.g. here, and then just clicked (lower right corner)"Insert other media" -> "Insert image from URL". The photo should appear in the post then. There is probably another way but I'm a noob with forums. I'd really like to see some of your dragons (I love dragons) but I understand your feeling of discomfort. It took me quite some time to be comfortable with sharing my scribbles. Just to say, I don't think anybody will laugh or devaluate your works.
  23. I've thought about it for a while now and realized the following: I'm definitely touch averse when someone wants to be smoochy with me, it's especially bad if the other person has romantic intentions. But like you, OP, I'm often averse to platonic touch as well. I rarely initiate it, often draw back when someone tries to touch me and most of the time I only touch my friends to comfort them because they are sad, etc. A former friend of mine wanted to hold hands as a sort of experiment between us. I felt really awkward during it and it wasn't because of him - I liked him. But the touch, urgh. And honestly I'm like this since my childhood. My parents weren't very physical with me which could be one cause. But I also didn't demand them to be. However, I sometimes got hugs from my grandmother and actually loved it when she stroked me. Since then they were only few people (can count them on one hand) I felt good with when they touched me. I can't put my finger on the exact circumstances needed for me to feel good with it. I said I'd need trust, which still calls true. But just because I trust someone doesn't mean I'll enjoy their touch (which I experienced with my roommate). It's complicated and I still want to figure it out. In my case maybe it's just cause I'm not used to being touched? Anyway, the question doesn't leave my mind too.
  24. I'd rather life as nomad than get married.
  25. I can imagine this very well. My assumption is, as @Apathetic Echidna already implied, the term "aromantic" or "aromanticism" isn't as widespread yet that's why people won't use these words to express their preference to stay single (or "lack" of a feeling). Most of other happy singles I've met in my life either didn't talk about it or just said "I'm happy the way it is", "I don't feel the need for a relationship", etc. I used to say similar things before I stumbled across AVEN and Arocalypse. I didn't even know it's possible to feel on different levels regarding sexual attraction and romantic attraction because I was taught sexual attraction automatically contains romantic attraction (and vice versa). That's why I didn't understand myself for quite some time. Won't hold a lecture about visibility here because we all know the importance of it (hence why I'm going to put buttons and badges on my backpack and talk about it with others). But yeah, if one day "aromantic" is as well-known as other terms to describe oneself I'd be more than interested to see new statistics.
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