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NotHeartless

Member
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About NotHeartless

  • Rank
    Member
  • Birthday 02/23/1995

Personal Information

  • Name
    Tan
  • Gender
    (trans-)male
  • Pronouns
    he/him/his
  • Location
    Germany
  • Occupation
    student
  • Romanticism
    aro
  • Sexuality
    demi-bisexual

Contact Methods

  • Skype
    simpledesire02

Recent Profile Visitors

283 profile views
  1. NotHeartless

    Early signs that you were aro

    @momokoala I confused admiration with crushes for a long time too - I can quite relate to your experience there. Especially when someone has an outstanding intellect. In my case, I confused sexual attraction with romantic attraction as well. It made me wonder how I can think about sex but don't want to kiss or hold hands.
  2. NotHeartless

    Hello!

    Hi Ama, welcome to the forums! Have some ice cream from me too:
  3. NotHeartless

    What Are You Listening To/Post A Song

    Fitting for Valentine's day . Romantic love definitely is a losing game. Though a game I don't want to play in the first place. The graphics and controls are atrocious.
  4. NotHeartless

    Allow personals/dating requests?

    I feel I'm conflicted about it. For once, it is quite ironic for this site to have a sort of dating section. On the other hand I understand people who'd want to at least try to find someone for a QPR via arocalypse (when I think about a QPR, it'd be most ideal with another aro person IMO). Guess I'm too romance repulsed but if it's in a subforum I can live with it - I don't need to look into it.
  5. To add a little different perspective also: I tend to be emotional instable (I show some significant symptoms of borderline) and there is the assumption people with borderline are extremely afraid of losing someone and basically live in symbiosis with their significant other. While I do tend to feel intense about my friendships and do suffer (a lot) when I lose a close friend, I still don't fall in love and don't like the whole idea of exclusive (romantic) relationships. Which seems rare for someone with BPD (I swear you have no idea how many articles and books I have read about the disorder where it's all about the relationship to a romantic partner). I know this isn't exactly what you asked @yester but I want to illustrate you can have a mental condition and still be aro. With other mental conditions it can get really complicated to tell apart if you feel the way you feel because of mental health or because you are just that way - it's your orientation. But either way it's important to accept oneself and I personally don't make a difference in what the exact cause for e.g. aromanticism is. As long as you don't suffer because of it (which is a safe sign something is wrong) I don't consider it as something you need to stress yourself about it. Just take care in general.
  6. With the current terms available, I would consider it a friendship/connection with sex or "friendship with benefits" as they say. But I realized, thanks to arocalypse, most alloromantics seem to think "friendship with beneftis" is only about the sex, the "friendship" is basically non-existent or consists of exchanging a few words and that's it. So, no friendship at all and it comes down to casual sex all over again. And then it seems impossible for allromantics to not fall for someone they're banging. Which is hard for me to comprehend but that's one reason why I'm here. Honestly, if the situation would ever came to be and I find another aromantic person I like, we'd have a non exclusive, close bond and sexual fun together, I wouldn't term it. I would just take it as what it is. Society feels like a deadlock with their monogamous romantic relationships. The closest thing I got was a close friend I experimented sexually with. It was awesome - until he found himself a girlfriend and it ended. Same, old procedure.
  7. Day 7: I tend to listen to a really wide range of music - from pop charts to classical music, soft and hard tones. I can appreciate them all. My evergreens are Coldplay, Within Temptation, Queen, Pink Floyd, Mika, Gary Moore and Frank Sinatra. I love them because their lyrics touch my soul, speak to my spirit and make me experience another realm of reality.
  8. Ok, for day 4: what I love most about my friends is that I'm able to laugh wholeheartedly with them and the certainty they always have my back. For two of my closest friends, I could write a whole book on what I like/love about them
  9. NotHeartless

    Aromanticism in one sentence

    "I don't fall in love but I feel like my love is scattered all over my friendships."
  10. My favorite animal is the turtle - various types of it. I just like their appearance and nature, their shell, their amazing lifespan and their behaviour in the wild. Oh, and I could die from the cuteness of new hatched turtles.
  11. NotHeartless

    so I guess I'm going on a date?

    @lonelyace Wow, so he turned out to be a total asshole after all. I'm just glad you discovered his mindset this early and can forget about him now. Guess it still was an experience for you, although unfortunately not a pleasant one. But you got away with only a few scratches, at least.
  12. NotHeartless

    A Carnival of Aros

    I agree completely. I wish for more autonomy for aromanticism. Even though yes, I can see why they want both communities to support and understand each other. It still has different repercussions to be aro, but not ace. And even here I have read posts of several aroaces saying being aro is more "important" to them because it's still more on display than their sexuality.
  13. NotHeartless

    how to explain aexuality to someone

    Also make clear asexuality and aromanticism are orientations and not a choice. Asexuality has nothing to do with celibacy, only waiting until marriage or to save yourself up for "the one" and aromanticism isn't the conscious decision to stay single (though it can result in it).
  14. Regarding "sad as an aro"...
    I currently need to take care of old wounds. I met new people in my life, people I get along with great but I still need to think about the friendships I had which are now shattered to pieces.
    I feel especially upset about two people, a guy and a girl. Both of them led me down though I don't want to picture myself as "perfect friend". I am not flawless and I can behave like an ass. But I still feel so betrayed and misunderstood.
    For the girl, her relationship to her lover was way more important than me - though I knew her for years and stood by her side through thick and thin, through every heartbreak, through her depression and everything.
    For the dude, even though we knew much about each other and had a few years together, he was damn selfish and his satisfaction of needs was the most important thing. Not me nor his own gf. He wasn't interested in me, I was only a tool.
    Seriously guys, I don't fall in love but I feel like my love is scattered all over my friendships. New and old, bad and good. The memories hurt like hell at the moment, especially the memories of the girl. I probably behave like a drama king but I need to get this out because a) here are most likely people who understand me and b) I felt so numb the last weeks. Maybe this is one cause.
    It hurts so much when you like/platonically love someone and they seem to don't give a fuck about you after all.
    I have empathy and can understand many things, regarding human emotions. I understand when a friend falls in love and they want to spend much time with their lover. But there are boundaries, e.g. when I get abandoned after months and they never call me or if they do, they only want to talk about their relationship all the time.
    At the same time I'm mad at the separation of lovers/friends. It causes so much grief and anger inside of me, at this very moment. Our society is so strange. And I feel so cold, lonely and separate from so many people.
    I don't mind being alone but feeling a permanent gap between you and others because of amatonormativity is just...so...devastating. For me. I hate being so emotional. And they say aros don't have feelings or don't love anyone. Hahahaha...good one. I always hated my sensitivity (yeah I know, so much about self-love).
    I empty my glass of whiskey and sign off, I'm sorry for this mess. Kind of.
    At least I finally feel something right now and not only emptiness. If anyone can relate: you're welcome!

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. NullVector

      NullVector

      @NotHeartless re. "I don't fall in love but I feel like my love is scattered all over my friendships."

      I really like that sentence actually, maybe you'd like to add it here?

       

    3. Anything_but_allo

      Anything_but_allo

      @NotHeartless oh thank you so much, I really related to your words. I’m so glad I made you smile, thank you so much. Also, you’re not a bad person at all, you seem like such a compassionate person yourself :) 💚

    4. NotHeartless

      NotHeartless

      @NullVector thanks for the suggestion, I'll add it. Didn't think my half-drunk-emotional-troubled-writing would contain something productive.

      @Anything_but_allo I guess I am, sometimes a bit too compassionate for my tastes. Anyways, thank you for your warm words and sympathy. :hugs:

  15. Fantastic idea, @Anything_but_allo It's hard to pick a favorite food because there is lots of food I enjoy but I say pasta bake. I love to it eat since childhood and generally I'm a freak for noodle dishes since I can remember.
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