Hey! I'm Lili. I'm 19. I'm new here and I'm new to forums in general
I discovered the aroace label a few months ago and I'm finally beginning to accept it. However, I feel like my repulsions + my personality have created one giant identity that makes it difficult for me to show love. I unconsciously grew up with this idea that, once I finally found my partner, I would become a fountain of love (lol do not ask me why I had this idea...hm amatonormativity is so strange, amirite). Accepting my aroaceness gave me a reality check. It came along with the discoveries that I was sex, romance, and touch repulsed & not actually interested in relationships (probably not even a qpr). I don't think I ever had trauma but the repulsions are so strong that they have affected my friendships for, like, ever...tbh I envy the aroaces who can cuddle their friends and all. [+ : I'm also pretty bad & often shy in articulating my affection...like saying I love you to family is even difficult. And I'm so easily drained from socializing, so it's tiring to have frequent/long-lasting hangouts. I kinda stay detached from most people to save my energy...keeping only a few friends at a time.]
Friendships have been the only relationships I really ever cared for, but my love languages seem to be too discrete or incompatible with others. Ex: As much as my repulsion allows, I like helping my friends with their relationship issues and I might even quickly hug them if they're really down. So.... It really hurts when friends (and squishes? I'm not sure on that yet) question if I really consider us good friends. It has happened too many times...even with someone I have mutually declared a best friend. Even family members, though they understand my expressions of love, have joked about how distant I keep my friends. I would just like to express platonic love in a properly communicable way because it makes me feel like a Bad Friend. I've looked into love languages for help, but it mostly made me more conflicted (quality time, I guess, but again I have a lower need for irl interactions than my more extroverted friends). I got a good amount of love...it's just not translating
Thanks for reading my whole vent I hope I didn't sound whiny or anything. if you have any advice/suggestions/comments, it would be appreciated! Maybe...about how to be more open in my words or feelings with my friends--cuz that's seriously hard for me, in writing or speech. Maybe.. that you relate. Or... whatever you find fit to say! I'm trying avoid the same sadness I just got over.