I've been thinking about aromanticism a lot lately, I think I am one. Maybe. Or not. Actually I don't really know.
I think I might be one beacause I don't experience "romance" or what is said to be "romance". I don't like the words "in love" or "couple", they just don't seem right to me. But I still experience some "crush" and I do want close relationship with some people, so I thought that maybe squish and QPR might be good terms for what I fell, experience and desire but there's still something bothering me.
For example, what I'd call a "squish" is not really a "friendship crush" as everyone says. It's not a "crush" either. It's something very special, I can't really describe it. I feel like I want to be close to my "squishes", I want to share things with them, spend time with them but I'm also sexually attracted to them. And I don't really feel those things for my friends. I don't feel this sort of feelings. But I don't want more from my "squishes". Like I don't want a couple, I don't want to have children, spend all my time with them, I don't think about them ALL the time, I don't miss them. So it's like in between.
It's the same for QPR. For me a QPR would be like a friendship, but with special feelings and a physical bond (and sex). I'm really not sexually attracted to my friends so it's not friendship. But it's not a couple.
And I can't figure out if I just have a particular vision of romance and "couples" and love or if I am really aromantic.
I guess it's a bit up to me to decide that, but I don't feel like I'm a "true aromantic", I don't feel valid as an aromantic. But I don't feel valid as a zedromantic. I'm so lost.
Also, this is another topic maybe but I don't really have interest in other relationships than "QPR". I have a few friendships but I don't value them as much as I value "QPRs". And I don't look forward them (it's nice if it happens, but I don't really care). And I feel like I can't really connect to people that I don't have a "squish" on, they're nice and all but... I just don't really care. And that make me feel really lonely because one of the conditions for me to have a "squish" on someone is sexual attraction, but I'm greysexual so it's pretty rare......
My feelings are such a mess and my social life is even worse because of all that. I'm lonely, lost, and I feel like I don't belong anywhere. And this is kind of difficult to talk about because most people have a very clear vision of romance and they say I'm just scared of commitment (maybe I am ????) and the discussion ends.
Honestly, since I've discovered aromanticism I feel both better and worse. So please help.