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About lonelyace

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  • Birthday December 13

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    i don't actually care
  • Romanticism
    gay?aromantic? the world may never know
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  1. When people talk about heartbreak I tend to think about ways that past friends have broken my heart. I don't think that it has to be romantic for it to be heartbreak.
  2. I just came across the term aroflux recently and I’m considering if it’s something that fits for me. I am currently in a romantic relationship and my complex feelings are at times a cause of distress for me. I don’t think that the feelings themselves change. I always remain comfortable performing certain romance coded actions and not others, and my feelings for my girlfriend always have the same intensity. The thing that changes is that sometimes I look at those feelings and they feel romantic, while other times they feel entirely platonic. I have a long history of having no idea what I’m feeling. I know that I have never felt what other people describe when they describe crushes. I know that I am not comfortable with all of the activities that are typically associated with romance. This is enough to lead me to believe that I belong somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. I have trouble though, because during the times when I interpret the feelings as romantic, I feel as though I am betraying the aromantic community, and when the feelings don’t feel romantic, I feel as though I’m betraying my girlfriend. so yeah, now I’m not talking about aroflux as a concept. Just my insecurities. Sorry about that.
  3. I personally have no problem saying girlfriend, but thats a whole can of worms that I don't care to open right now. Perhaps something along the lines of partner/queerplatonic partner/platonic partner would work for you?
  4. I would start by discussing topics related to aromanticism and queerplatonic relationships with her. Tell her what a queerplatonic/zucchini relationship is and why many aromantic people object to terms like "just friends." That way you can gauge her reaction, and see if being your or anyone's zucchini would be something she would be interested in. If she seems receptive to the idea you can ask her if she wants to be your zucchini, and if she doesn't seem receptive you don't even have to ask.
  5. I have suspected that I was aromantic, or at least on the aromantic spectrum for a while now. I've spent my entire life asking others what a crush/romantic attraction is supposed to feel like and getting frustrated at the vague yet common response of "you just know." I don't get butterflies in my stomach whenever I'm around any one person. I don't obsess completely over a person. I don't fantasize about kissing, and since I'm asexual, I don't fantasize about sex either. It all seems very aromantic, and yet I am in continuous denial about the fact that I could be aro. See, I very much value how much others value me, probably too much, but thats another discussion. It is important to me to have a person or people care about me. I don't want a life alone, I want a life with other people. I want somebody(s) that live with me and care about me and want a life with me, not just to be friends who see each other once in a while. It seems to me that the only way to achieve that is via a romantic relationship. I've had queerplatonic relationships before and I never felt like I mattered nearly as much to them as they did/do to me. They've all been both allosexual and alloromantic, so a platonic partnership like I'm offering is just not their end goal. It's a side note. I understand that they need romance and sex in their lives, and I've made peace with the fact that they will and should pursue that with other people. And yet they say things like "I'm forever alone" and put me off for the pursuit of romance. I feel like I am just a placeholder until they can find the "real thing" when I am in a queerplatonic relationship. I am now three years into college and I am in my first romantic relationship aside from a few one off dates. I do really like my girlfriend. There aren't a lot of people that I'm willing to be physically intimate, that is to hold hands and cuddle with, but she is one of them. She's given me the closest thing I've ever felt to whatever the hell butterflies in the stomach are supposed to be. I figured out that she liked me before she actually told me, and it made me really happy. When I heard that she liked someone else I was very upset and even cried. And yet I am not comfortable with using pet names. I am not comfortable with saying I love you; I never have been in any context from familial to platonic to romantic, and I don't know why. I wouldn't know where to begin with romantic gestures like she does for me. I feel like I'm forcing to reciprocate when all I really want to do is just be with her. Another thing that I'm considering is that I still cannot differentiate between romantic and platonic. I know that there are some people that I care about differently than others. People that I more want to be around, want to be more physically intimate with, people that I want to build a life with. But I can't say that it feels inherently romantic. So my relationship with my girlfriend feels more like an expanded friendship than something with a distinctly romantic quality, at least on my part. I worry that entering into a relationship with her is just me going deeper into denial. But for the first time ever, I'm someone's favorite person, and I don't know if I can let go of that. I don't want to hurt her or lead her on. I do really care about her, I just don't know if it's the "right" way. I don't know if I am emotionally capable of letting the relationship go if I don't love her the "right" way, but it also wouldn't be fair of me to keep dating her if that turns out to be true. I don't know what I am, what I feel, or what I should do, and I don't handle not knowing well at all.
  6. I've seen a thread about aromantic symbols but not about aromantic culture in general. So, what are some things that are aromantic culture? So far I have: -arrows/archery -the green heart emoji -the color green -calling out people who ditch their friends to spend all their time with a romantic crush/partner -asking people what crushes feel like just in case this time it makes sense
  7. I have to wonder how you guys can all be so proud of being aromantic. I don't mean that it's a bad thing to be proud of your aromanticism, I'm sure it's a great thing. I just can't seem to be able to bring myself to accept it about myself. Last night my friend texted me that I'm lucky that I don't get crushes and... No. I feel the exact opposite of lucky. I hate knowing that friendships are considered are considered less important than romance. I hate knowing that the only way to settle down with a person is romantically. I hate knowing that in the end all of friends will move on. Whether they intend to or not they will get married, have kids, be too busy for an old friend. They might write a Christmas letter and call once a year, but what am I supposed to do the other 363 days of the year? i feel so so deeply about my friends but in the end it doesn't matter. My feelings, my relationships are sub par. They're unimportant because they aren't the right type of love. I just wish I could feel the right kind of love. That I wouldn't lose everyone. I don't know how you do it.
  8. To everybody who has commented so far, I really appreciate your insightful responses and I hope that there are more to come. I very much appreciate the discussion so far, though I'd like to comment on a few things. I hadn't thought about this. In my mind aromantic and asexual are orientations and the oriented at the beginning is just to demonstrate the extra orientation. But I can see where you're coming from, and now that you've pointed it out, it will probably bother me a little bit too. I only know one lesbian and I think that she would probably be pretty understanding. I've considered bringing this up with her, but the level of explanation this would require would be astronomical. Even then there's no guarantee that she would even get it. I have tried to explain all of this to my two queerplatonic partners with varying levels of success and as much as I would like to embrace this, the explanation is really a killjoy. My experience so far has been that the division between the different segments of the larger LGBT+ community exists almost entirely on the internet while real life queer spaces tend to be much more mixed. I could be wrong as I have heard of trans and asexual specific groups, but for the most part it seems being pretty mixed. That being said, yes, I think I would like to interact with lesbian/wlw communities. This aesthetic and alterous attraction to women has been a source of confusion for me, as I first identified as gay, then as homoromantic asexual before realizing that I didn't quite match up with what I was hearing from other homoromantic asexuals. I think it would be wonderful to interact with other lesbian aroaces but that doesn't seem likely to happen. I mostly get excited if I meet someone who fits one category, whether its lesbian, asexual, or aromantic. I would love to interact with others who have as you say "unorthodox-axis" identities. I almost think that @bananaslug and I should start a little support group or something of our own. To be honest my original question was somewhat muddled in my head. I was asking if lesbian aroace is a real thing, and I appreciate your input on that. I do tend to agree more with Coyote in that new identities can be made up. It seems to me that much of the lgbt+ community is built around creating new words to describe our diverse experiences. And yes, the ethicacy of using the lesbian aroace label is also a question in my mind.
  9. The idea of oriented aroaces is something that I came across fairly recently. The gist of it, to my understanding, is that the split attraction model can include more than just sexual and romantic attraction and can include sensual, aesthetic, alterous, queerplatonic (etc.) attractions, and that any of these can be important enough to warrant a label of their own. Thus someone could be a straight aroace or a gay aroace or a pan aroace. When people describe crushes and romantic attraction to me I can say that I don't feel that emotion. Whatever it is that they are feeling, it's foreign to me. But at the same time some people are more "special" than others. Girls are definitely gorgeous in a way that guys aren't (sorry guys). And I think I do feel alterously or queerplatonically, I'm still not sure exactly what the difference is. I feel like some people do wind up in a gray area for me. I do want to cuddle with them and go on dates with them and build a life together with them but I don't want to kiss them or do anything beyond that with them. And with that I do have a preference: girls. I feel like lesbian aroace is fitting for me, but I'm also hesitant to use it. I don't know if alterous and aesthetic attraction is really enough for me to also call myself a lesbian. I feel like maybe if I called myself that it would be unfair to real lesbians who do experience sexual and/or romantic towards women. And the more labels I take, the more difficult it is to explain my orientation to others. Hell, I can't really comprehend it myself. I also think about amatonormativity in this mental debate with myself. Is it amatonormativity that has me telling myself that I need to spend my life with someone? I really do get attached to some people to the point where I can't imagine my life without them. But I don't know, maybe that really is normal for friendship and I'm just overgeneralizing the alloromantic people's seeming tendency to eventually leave friends behind. And is it amatonormative if you really want to spend yourlife with a small group of people? I like lesbian aroace. It feels more right than any of the many other labels I've tried on for myself. But... I just don't know if it's really a real thing that I could use. I just don't know.
  10. Hey all, I'm here again to overthink and overanalyze something that probably isn't actually that big of a deal. I have a hazy understanding of romantic attraction at best and if I'm being completely honest, I doubt that most of us really understand it on a forum for aromantic people. What understanding I do have basically boils down to symptoms. You feel butterflies in your stomach but like, good butterflies. You constantly think about the person you like and want to spend tons of time around the person. These "symptoms" are the basis for the small realization that I had today. Okay now its time for some backstory of the more personal sort. Earlier this year I joined my campus gsa. The group of people that I have befriended through them is an amazing group of people. They are the most accepting, loving, fun group of people I've ever met. Spending time around them makes me incredibly happy. Okay. So today I realized that spending time around this group of people seems to give me the same "symptoms" as the things that have been explained to me as being part of a crush. Being with these people gives me good butterflies and I love being with them. However it can't be a crush or even a squish as this is a group of people that I feel this way about, not one specific person. I am willing to bet that I am not the only person that has experienced this, but platonic feelings are talked about so little in general society that I genuinely have no idea if this is normal or not. I don't know if I'm the only one to think of this, or if it's a uniquely aromantic experience, or if its normal for all people. Or maybe I'm just overthinking everything like I always do. I'd love some input.
  11. I have yet to really become comfortable with my aromanticism, ant that's at least partially because I'm more involved with the asexual community and the broader LGBT+ community than I am with the aromantic community. Particularly within the context of my gsa and the friends I've made through that, I feel lie mentioning my asexuality is okay, but saying that I'm not attracted to anyone ~at all~ feels like it would lead to alienation. I find myself highlighting the fact that I do find girls to be very pretty as if that would somehow make me gay enough to share a space with them. Sorry, this is turning into more of a post about the LGBT+ community at large than about the asexual community specifically. But it is connected isn't it? I certainly wouldn't have ever heard of asexuality or aromanticism had it not been for the LGBT+ community, and I doubt that most others would have either. But thats a community mostly built around attraction, not a lack of it. In order to be accepted by it one must have some attraction to speak of. Of course that's very much a symptom of the amatonormativity of society in general. In the end it's the idea that love is somehow what makes us whole and human that's the issue. And even alloromantic asexuals fall prey to the idea. I think that really the only thing we can do is speak up for ourselves. I think this is one of those situations where no one is going to take notice of us or advocate for us if we don't make enough noise and bring attention to ourselves. I dunno what that would actually look like. Maybe we need to "invade" ace spaces. Maybe that'll never happen.
  12. I just recently started a queerplatonic relationship with a long time friend. I've been aware of qprs for a while now and I've done as much reading as I can on them, but they're still a little bit confusing. I know that there isn't really any one standard definition of qprs aside from them being a committed friendship. When I envision a qpr, I imagine doing date like activities. Like, yeah lets go to a movie and share a bucket of popcorn or go to a fancy restaurant and I'll buy you dinner. I don't know if that's normal or not for a qpr, or if it could somehow make me less aromantic because those activities could be viewed as romantic. I don't really understand what romantic attraction is even supposed to be so I have a hard time knowing wtf I'm even feeling. Ugh
  13. @NullVector @Apathetic Echidna Thank you for the input. If you're at all interested in an update on the situation, here it is. If you're not interested then obviously you don't have to keep reading. I went on a date with the guy and oh boy did it blow up in my face. We went to lunch and it was fine. Then the next day I got a text from a friend about him. Apparently someone told him that I was a lesbian, and he freaked out. He texted someone who is currently my friend and was friends with him years ago, asking about me. You know, rather than just asking me. He proceeded to be very homophobic, and when my friend outed himself as trans, this guy became aggressively transphobic as well. When I tried to talk to him he claimed that he was just joking around with my friend. Yeah, I won't be talking to this guy again.
  14. Just what the title says: I guess I'm going on a date today. For context, I'm in college and I've never once been on a date, never kissed, never held hands, never done anything even remotely romantic or sexual in nature. There's a guy in my Spanish 122 class that I went to high school with. Although I don't think we ever spoke to each other during that time, when my Spanish class started, he started talking to me like he knew me. Last week he asked me if he could ask me out, and yesterday he asked me to get coffee with him. We're doing that later today. Here's the thing: I don't know how I feel about all of this. I know for a fact that I'm asexual, and I strongly suspect that I'm aromantic. I spent a long time telling myself that I shouldn't commit to that label until I at least tried dating, but in the last few months I've begun to accept it. I realized that if I still can't comprehend romantic attraction, I probably never will. On top of that, I lean more towards femininity. I find girls to be gorgeous and guys to be mediocre, and I could only really imagine myself long term with a woman whether that turned out to be as a qpr or as a romantic relationship. But still, when this guy asked me out, I agreed. I've talked to a few friends and they also think that I should try this out, but I still feel bad. I feel bad going into this knowing that for me this is nothing more than an experiment when this guy probably actually like me. (Which is another thing that's hard for me to comprehend since that's never happened to me before. But that's a whole different issue.) I feel bad knowing that I don't even particularly view this guy as a friend when he wants me to be, what, his girlfriend? Here's another thing, the school we went to together was a private Christian school. It's the type of place that breeds racist, homophobic kids who think those types of things are funny. He hasn't yet said anything that showed him to be an asshole, but I still don't feel comfortable telling him about my asexuality. I don't know how much he expects from me but it's probably ore than I'm comfortable with. Maybe I'm underestimating him, but I can't help but feel like saying hey I'm asexual would not go well. That ties into the fact that I've spent the last year or two really embracing and building up the queer part of my identity. I haven't told many people about this because I actually don't want to stop being viewed as queer. How weird and backwards is that? Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.
  15. lonelyace

    would you rather

    Famous while I'm alive. Screw everyone who comes after me, I want to know that I'm appreciated. I don't care if that makes me shallow. Would you rather be haunted by ghosts or abducted by aliens?
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