Jump to content

arolectriclady

Member
  • Content count

    11
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    1

About arolectriclady

  • Rank
    Newbie

Personal Information

  • Name
    Aria
  • Pronouns
    She
  • Location
    Manassas, Virginia, USA
  • Romanticism
    Aro
  • Sexuality
    Ace

Contact Methods

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. arolectriclady

    Were those even squishes?

    From what I have read, squishes can feel a lot like crushes (nerves, wanting to be liked back, etc). I have experienced these feelings for people, so once I realized I was aroace I figured these experiences were squishes. But then I realized the objects of these squishes were either straight guys or queer girls/enbys. In other words, people who have the capacity to be attracted to me (a cis girl). I have never "squished" on a straight girl before and this pattern got me thinking about compulsory sexual and romo attraction. I appreciate people aesthetically and/or admire personality and sense of humor. When these feelings were directed to a guy or a queer girl/enby) I assumed they constituted a crush. I like...inserted their sexuality into mine, if that makes sense? My brain would go, "Oh. I like him as a person and find him interesting and fun to talk to. Guess I must be straight then." Or if I knew a girl or enby was queer, I would have the same thought process and assume I was bisexual. And then I would get really stressed. Romo people view crushes as stressful too but it seems more like an excitement kind of stress. As in, the foundation of their anxious feelings is romantic attraction, which has largely been described to me a positive, thrilling experience in spite of its pitfalls. Whereas my stress comprised of dread at the fact that I had to date them since that was the "logical" next step. Then I learned about squishes and figured that is what they were. But now that I think about it, I think I just wanted these people as friends and then gave myself anxiety over them because I thought they were crushes. I would feel pressured to date them just because I liked them just as platonically and aesthetically as I liked my straight girlfriends or even straight women in general. There was never anything "more." I just felt like there had to be because amatonormativity and compulsory sexuality are powerful forces. Anyways, I do not think this is how romo or sexual attraction works. Like, straight dudes fall for gay women. Straight girls can fall for gay guys. Gay women fall or straight women. Gay men fall for straight dudes. Whereas in my aroace case (lol rhyme), I literally had no agency and just assumed another person's attraction/orientation to be my own as well. These are just reflections on past experiences that happened before I knew I was aroace. Now that I know my orientation, I think time will tell. Maybe I will have a squish! They sound fun. But if I never get one then that's okay too. I'm happy with the love I feel for my friends and family.
  2. arolectriclady

    Early signs that you were aro

    When I would experience what I thought was a crush and they got a boyfriend or girlfriend, I would not feel jealous. I would feel kind of sad/bummed, but there was no desire to be their romantic partner or take their romantic partner's place. Idk I guess an early sign was that dating was just never something I considered when I harbored a crush. If my crush started dating I just felt confused. Like, is that what I was supposed to do this entire time? Lol no thanksssss Looking back I think I got squishes on people I wanted to spend time with and get to know better. If they got a partner, I felt like I could no longer pursue a close friendship because they were already spending a lot of their quality time with someone else. Idk I feel like we live in a weird culture where you cannot become close friends with someone in a relationship because it would appear as a "threat" to their romantic relationship or something?
  3. arolectriclady

    What is 'Squish', examples?

    Of course! If it qualifies as sensual attraction for you, then that is what it is. I think we have the right to define our own boundaries when it comes to this stuff, rather than have them defined under the limiting binary of "romantic" vs "platonic."
  4. arolectriclady

    What is 'Squish', examples?

    Sounds to me that would still be a squish that has an element of sensual attraction? For more of a breakdown of that you can check out the bottom of this post http://cupcakearrow.tumblr.com/acearothings
  5. arolectriclady

    how to reintegrate into the world as an aroace

    Wow. I just want to say a huge thank-you to each person who responded. Each reply managed to address a different angle of what I have been struggling with, and I noticed I have felt more at peace in the last view days than I have in a while. I think it had to do with reading this thread. Obviously there are going to be good days and bad days, but it empowers me to know I am not alone and that we have more in common with one another than we might think. โค๏ธ๐Ÿ˜Œ
  6. Hi guys ๐Ÿ˜Š I have scoured the internet for posts about being aroace and many of them have helped immensely, but not a lot of them addressed this particular element of the experience. So I figured I would take a stab at articulating it here in hopes that other aroaces (or honestly any a- or arospec people) can empathize and provide advice. I discovered ace and aro identities after my first attempts at dating. I was 22 years old and still had never dated or kissed anyone, so I felt like it was about time to address it. When I found a couple of people who seemed interested in me, I went forward with it because I thought they were genuinely cool, attractive people and I was flattered. But I felt incredibly uncomfortable with anything non-platonic and could not even bring myself to kiss or hold hands. I decided to look into asexuality and aromanticism because it felt like there was something more to my discomfort beyond just nerves and inexperience. And...bam. My world basically exploded. I realized my "crushes" were really just squishes. My "attraction" was purely deeply platonic and aesthetic. Basically, I thought I was on the same page as everyone else, but it turns out I am clearly not since the way I experience attraction is fundamentally different. I proceeded to have a breakdown because I felt alienated from my friends and family. I felt cut off from these emotions people actually feel. Sexual and romantic attraction is a real, powerful experience and not just something you see in books and media and find entertaining. Dating and sex are not just obligations or activities people do for fun in order to say they did it. They are experiences that derive from an attraction that stems from within, rather than from external pressures. My question(s): How do you move forward with this realization? How do you accept and embrace these parts of your identity without exaggerating how it makes you different? Inversely, how do you uphold the validity of your struggles as an aspec or arospec person when it seems like both straight people, as well as gay and bi people, do not understand? I know these are not simple questions, but honestly, ANY form of feedback, advice, and/or narrative would really help me regain a sense of balance.
  7. arolectriclady

    Confusing aesthetic attraction for romantic attraction

    Thanks for starting up this thread! As a writer who has always been drawn to beauty in art, music, and nature, I find myself experiencing a similar type of attraction to people. I find lots of people fascinating or even beautiful on an aesthetic level, and sometimes I get nervous around people whose appearance I aesthetically admire. I just find them so beautiful and cool. Kind of like how there is a popular boy or girl in class who is aesthetically attractive and confident, and everyone admires them in a way. Or like seeing a fairy or magical creature who invokes a sense of awe. Given how I do view the world through an aesthetic lens, this type of attraction also factor into my squishes, which is why I thought they were crushes. That is why I identified as bisexual for a while. But I know not everyone approaches attraction in this way, and since I am a cisgender feminine woman I think sometimes my squishes on straight men or gay women produce anxiety because I do not want my behavior to be interpreted romantically or sexually, even if it does seem like that since I do behave affectionately and exhibit an interest in them. I guess for a while my only frame of reference was romance I misread my aesthetic attraction as romantic. Now that I have access to aromanticism and asexuality as orientations (I am aroace), I know my feelings are aesthetic and/or platonic, and those attractions can be pretty strong. But idk I think I internalized the notion that strong feelings are always somehow romantic because that is how they are often construed.
  8. arolectriclady

    Can an aromantic still have a crush?

    I also recently discovered I am aro (LOL I like the amount of "very"s you guys usedโ€”it pretty accurately describes the feeling of taking all of this in) and I found out when I tried dating one of my squishes and WOW it just did not feel right and I had no idea why. But finding out about the different types of attraction really helped! I think admiration and aesthetics are strong forces of attraction that often get mistaken for romantic. Here are some helpful posts about squishes: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=squish http://theasexualityblog.tumblr.com/post/138663700030/squishes-vs-crushes-how-theyre-similar-yet-very https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/41362-crush-vs-squish/ https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/23290-squish/ LOL I feel like I am pretty passionate about the topic of squishes because they were the ONE THING that held me back from identifying as either aro or ace because I was all like, "No! I still feel attracted to certain people!" but then I actually thought about the particulars of my attraction and I was like oh....these really are not "crushes" at all. Also as I mentioned I tried dating one of my squishes because that is what I thought I was supposed to do, and it caused me a lot of anxiety, stress, guilt, and confusion. So yeah, squish awareness is important! Not all attraction has a sexual and/or romantic component! I think people of all orientations experience squishes to some degree
  9. arolectriclady

    What is 'Squish', examples?

    Before I knew I was aro, my "crushes" would take up a lot of my mental capacity because I did not have the language to describe my end goal. I knew I was drawn to a particular person, but the thought of doing anything romantic or sexual (I'm aroace) with them just did not compute. So my crushes actually gave me a lot of anxiety because I had no idea what I was feeling. But something clicked when I discovered the word "squish." Some aros and aces do not prefer the term, but for me it really helps communicate an intense platonic attraction and admiration that is similar yet fundamentally different from a crush. Similarities (based on how I have heard people describe crushes): My squish becomes kind of a hobby. I fangirl over them. I admire them aesthetically. I am curious about their thoughts. I wish to be around them. I care about what they think of me. I feel a general sense of happiness that they exist in the world. I like to bask in their presence. Differences: Dating? Sex? No thanks. I would just like to be close friends. I am not jealous when they date other people - I just would like to make sure I can still spend time with them. Now that I think about it, my squishes resemble celebrity crushes without the romantic and sexual attraction lmaooo. Or they make me feel the same excitement I experience when I see a cute dog. I think that is also why I like the term "squish" bc I just want to squish them because they make me happy! It can also feel like admiring a painting that you find beautiful, and that resonates with you for some reason. As for describing squishes to non-aces and aros, I usually begin my describing the ways my squishes are similar to crushes. It helps when you start with an experience they understand. Then I get into what makes a squish different. Metaphors (like celebrity crushes, cute animals, and paintings lol) can also work well.
  10. arolectriclady

    Aromantic Moments

    I remember watching the Friends episode where Rachel goes on dates with herself and finding that idea incredibly appealing and refreshing. Of course, the plot eventually revealed she was actually miserable and in denial the entire time ๐Ÿ™„
  11. Hi guys! This article is not explicitly related to aromanticism, but I found this distinction super helpful as a way to understand how my behavior in potentially or explicitly romantic situations was an alert to genuine, deep-seated discomfort rather than just part of the nerves anyone (especially an inexperienced person) undergoes while dating. I think knowing the difference between these two sensations (excitement, or "butterflies" and anxiety, or "ugly butterflies") is really important for aros who attempt dating and maybe mistake their "ugly butterflies" for romantic attraction.
×