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Everything posted by eatingcroutons

  1. "It is suspected by many scholars..." Suspected? I thought it was the standard interpretation of R&J that the "romance" it portrays is in fact an absurdly overwrought experience of teenage infatuation? (Aren't the titular characters canonically like, 14? Who know each other for all of three days before deciding to die rather than live without the other?)
  2. Coming back to this thread to recommend a horror short called Creswick which I absolutely loved (and is free on YouTube!) and also to list a few more thrillers I've seen since my last post. General warning that, being thrillers, a lot of these contain dark/disturbing content. Again feel free to ask me about specific squicks or triggers. Thrillers without romance: Frailty (2001): Psychological thriller. Two boys are raised by their father to believe they have a God-given mission to "destroy demons" (murder evil people) based on messages from angels. Many years later, one of them works with the FBI to try to stop his brother, who has become a serial killer called "God's Hand". Really solid psychological thriller. Cam (2018): Psychological thriller. A camgirl trying to make the top 50 on a popular site finds herself targeted by increasingly creepy and disturbing behaviour, apparently by rival camgirls. Recommended with caveats: Firstly that there is a lot of sexual content (the film depicts sex work in a very matter-of-fact way), and secondly that some of the protagonist's viewers make romantic-coded overtures (but it's very obvious that she only plays along for material benefits). Thrillers in which references to or appearances by romantic partners occur, but where romance is generally incidental to the plot: Searching (2018): Thriller told entirely through depictions of computer/social media use. A father tries to find his missing daughter and discovers she was keeping quite a few secrets from him. Starts out with several introductory scenes where the father is very much in love with his wife, but the actual plot all takes place after the wife has died of cancer. I really enjoyed the way this was told, and the complexities of human relationships it depicted. Calibre: Psychological thriller. Two friends go on a hunting trip in a remote area, and find themselves trapped trying to cover up a horrific accident. The male protagonists flirt with women, and one regularly refers to his pregnant fiance, but these are background elements rather than the focus of the plot. One of those films where you feel forced to watch and squirm as everything goes horribly but inexorably downhill. The Commuter: Action/thriller. An ex-cop is forced into cooperating with an increasingly high-stakes criminal conspiracy while on the train home from work, and tries to find a way to resist without risking the lives of others on the train. He has a wife and a child but their main purpose in the film is to be threatened as hostages by the bad guys - the action and plot all takes place on the train. Standard popcorn film.
  3. eatingcroutons

    Does aromanticism affect appearance?

    Ahhh man I am completely with you here. How often you need to shower depends on your personal skin type, how much exercise you've been doing, and a bunch of other factors. I definitely don't shower every day; in the winter especially I only shower on days when I've been training/competing and getting seriously sweaty. I also almost never use soap on my skin - only if I need to scrub off something oily, like if I've been working on my bicycle and am covered in grease, or if I've been wearing really thick SPF50 sunblock. And I only shampoo my hair every two weeks - I used to shampoo it every day because it would get super greasy, but it really is true that if you use less shampoo over time, your hair starts to adapt and produces less oil.
  4. eatingcroutons

    Apathy and Aromanticism.

    I'm glad to hear it ❤️ I'm sure you also know that major depression can be triggered by real-world events, so it's not impossible that you could have depression as a reaction to this one major change in your life. Ahh okay, I think I get what you mean a bit more now and yeah that does make sense. If romance is a big part of their lives, and you've made the switch from trying to pretend you can relate to that, to accepting that you can't relate to that, then yeah I can see how that would cause a disconnect. I would say though that personally, even though I don't "get" romantic love and have no desire to be part of it, that's far from the only way my friends are not "like me". Some of my friends are sexually into women, which I don't understand or relate to either. Some of them are obsessed with the Great British Bake-Off and I'm just like ❓❔❓❔ and totally tune out of those conversations when they happen. Sometimes I'm just like, I love you man, but some of the things you care about are fucking weird. And that's okay! If my friends were "like me" in every way then I'd be bored to death by them. I like hearing about what's important to them and why, and how their experiences are different to mine. And of course, not being interested in romance myself doesn't mean I can't be sympathetic and supportive when my friends are suffering because of romantic problems. Just like I can be sympathetic and supportive when a friend's favourite football team loses an important match, even though I don't care about or support their team. A shared interest in romance is emphatically NOT the only way to connect with people. Being different to your friends in this way absolutely does not mean you can't relate to them ever again. You're obviously going through a tough period of re-adjustment right now, and I don't want to diminish that at all - it is tough. But I'm sure that romance isn't the only thing that has ever been important in your friends' lives. I'm sure there are plenty of other shared activities, interests, and values that your friendships are founded on. So my advice would again be to try to focus on what those things are, and focus on the ways that you do relate to the people you care about.
  5. eatingcroutons

    Aromantic seems like an odd name for us

    I totally get how you feel. I try not to rule out anything in life - never say never, you know? For me, I've spent most of my life telling people that relationships were "not a priority right now", or that I'm "open to the idea but not actively looking". And it is completely, one hundred percent okay to prefer to say things like that, rather than to identify as aro, if it makes you feel more comfortable. As others have said, it's also okay to call yourself aro now, even if you don't stay aro forever. It's okay to ID as aro because that describes your life experiences at the moment, and still be open to the possibility that your experiences may change in the future. When I finally decided to start IDing as aro I was well into my thirties. But it wasn't because I'd reached some point where I felt like I was old enough to be SURE I'll never fall in love. I still might fall in love someday! Who knows! Human experience is weird! Identifying as aro is, for me, a way of allowing myself to plan my life under the assumption that I probably WON'T fall in love, rather than blithely going on assuming that it has to happen eventually because that's what society has always told me. It was kind of a reframing of expectations and assumptions about where my life is going. And reaching out to aro communities has helped me talk about shared experiences with other people who have never fallen in love and don't want or expect to in the future. But even if you don't feel comfortable identifying as aro, you're still welcome to join in those discussions and figure out how your disinterest in dating and romance fits into your life! We're totally here for anyone who shares aro experiences, regardless of what labels you choose (or don't choose) for yourself.
  6. eatingcroutons

    Is kissing romantic or sexual?

    Yeah, agreed. People perceive kissing as a lot of different things. If you personally perceive it as romantic and don't like it, that's fine! I'm very much allosexual, and peronally I dislike kissing unless it's in the context of having sex. Like, I'll enjoy it if I'm horny and it's leading to or part of other things - but other than that I don't like kissing. And yeah, as others have said you don't have to "tolerate" anything you don't like sexually if you don't want to! Just communicate with your partner(s) and let them know you don't like kissing.
  7. eatingcroutons

    Early signs that you were aro

    The context was someone complaining that "narratives often require female characters to choose between professional satisfaction and personal happiness”. This was in response to a broader discussion about whether one specific fictional relationship would have been better if it had been platonic rather than romantic - by "personal happiness" they were explicitly and exclusively referring to romantic relationships.
  8. eatingcroutons

    Apathy and Aromanticism.

    Feeling detached and losing interest and enjoyment in things that have always been fun/important to you is a classic symptom of depression - if this has been a consistent thing for many weeks then it's worth getting that checked out with a doctor. That said, assuming most of your existing relationships with other people are NOT romantic... why should being aromantic mean those relationships have to change? You can still connect to them in exactly the ways you have in the past, and they can still connect with you in exactly the ways they have in the past. Maybe think about some of your favourite activities to do with friends, and see if you can organise to do some of those to remind yourself of why you enjoy them, and enjoy doing them with other people?
  9. eatingcroutons

    Aromanticism and Religion

    I was in my early teens when I first realised that there are actually people who legitimately and seriously believe in religion. I feel like that revelation was a little similar to when I realised that there are people who legitimately and seriously believe and feel the things sung about in love songs.
  10. eatingcroutons

    Being naked in front of others?

    Ehhhh I'd say that's a cultural association. When I was living in Japan, my friends and I would regularly go to hot springs or public baths together - I quickly got used to being naked with my friends in a completely nonsexual way. I don't generally have a problem being naked in front of others. If I'm showering and changing after morning training, it's far too much effort to bother contorting myself to stay covered by a towel when I'm trying to get to work on time. Honestly, it's just a body; people have seen plenty of others.
  11. eatingcroutons

    Is New Year's Day Just a 2nd Valentine's Day

    My experience of NYE is the complete opposite. It's an excuse for people to go out, party, get drunk and get laid. (Finding a stranger to kiss when midnight hits is a good first step to the "getting laid" part!)
  12. eatingcroutons

    Psychology Today's Article on Aromanticism

    DePaulo has written a lot about adults who are happy living single (and used various terms over the years). I definitely recommend her TED talk which breaks down many of the myths society tries to teach us about how marriage supposedly makes people happier/healthier/whatever!
  13. eatingcroutons

    Early signs that you were aro

    lmfao I was backing up posts from my Tumblr to Dreamwidth and I literally posted this almost a year before I'd ever heard the word "aromantic":
  14. eatingcroutons

    What is your definition of a QPR/squish?

    After a metric fuckton of reading, the understanding I've come to of what constitutes a QPR is: A non-romantic relationship that goes beyond the boundaries of a conservative USAmerican conception of what is expected or appropriate between platonic friends.
  15. eatingcroutons

    Does aromanticism affect appearance?

    I dress to look good because it has professional and social benefits. Attractive people are perceived to be more intelligent, persuasive, trustworthy and healthy. All of which is based on bullshit stereotyping, but if I'm stuck in this system I may as well exploit it as far as I can. So while I don't wear makeup as a general rule, I always do for job interviews, networking events, professional speaking engagements, formal social occasions, etc. For everyday purposes I dress in clothes that suit my figure and are easy to wear, and keep my face and hair clean and neat. I think the only time my attitudes to sex/relationships have had an effect on how I present myself was back when I used to dress up if I was going out and hoping to pull. But over the years I've learned that I can pretty easily find sexual partners even in jeans and a tshirt, so why bother?
  16. It's an unfortunate fact of life that sometimes we want more from other people than they do from us. Like any other case of heartbreak or unrequited feelings, there's not a lot you can do about it except allow yourself space to grieve, like Eklinaar says, and work towards accepting the fact that you're not going to be able to have that kind of relationship with him. You're doing the right thing by not putting pressure on him, but if this situation reaches the point where it's negatively affecting your existing friendship, or negatively affecting your mental state, you may want to consider telling him that you need a little time apart. If you do talk to him about this make sure you make it very clear that you don't blame him for your unrequited feelings or expect anything from him, and that you still absolutely care about him and want him as your best friend - you just need a little space to get over your feelings.
  17. eatingcroutons

    QPR advice please

    If there's one thing I've learned from reading dozens and dozens of articles and discussions about QPRs, it's that there no such thing as "what a QPR entails". QPRs are defined entirely by the people involved in them, and everyone has different ideas about what one should entail. If I were you I'd see if I could find an opportunity to ask your friend to explain what she envisions as the kind of QPR she'd like. What sort of commitment would she expect it to involve? What sort of behaviours would be expected/acceptable? How long-term would she want it to be? Once you have a better idea of what she specifically is looking for, you'll be better placed to have a think about whether you're interested in having that kind of relationship with her.
  18. I have to admit that as an allo aro, like others in this thread I wasn't thrilled when I checked out your website and found it to be almost exclusively about asexuality. All the meetup groups are for aces. All the resources are about aces. The only mention I could find anywhere of aro issues as distinct from ace issues was a single line in the takeaways from the Ace/Aro Caucus: "As asexuality gains more recognition, the aro community continues to be erased, even within the a-spec community." No kidding! Other than this line, every mention of aro issues on your website is tacked on as an addendum to ace issues - where aros are even mentioned it's always "ace/aro" or "ace and aro". I'm glad that you're planning to improve this, I really am. And I fully believe that you are approaching this project in good faith. But when you say you've been "shocked" by encounters with people you still work with in terms of their attitudes to aromanticism... I mean that does make me sceptical about what exactly this book is going to turn out to be. Nobody likes to be tacked on as a grudging afterthought. As others have mentioned you may also want to think about your approach to data privacy issues. As a European I don't see any indication that you've taken GDPR into consideration - if you want to collect any kind of personal data from European citizens (including names or email addresses) you must comply with the GDPR laws that came into effect earlier this year. I don't mean to sound overly negative, as I do really like the idea of the book, and I think it could be really really helpful! I'm being critical because I want it to do well and I think solving these issues will be important to make sure it does do well.
  19. eatingcroutons

    Aromantic Moments

    I'm sorry you had that negative experience. I guess for me the pros of being aro absolutely outweigh the cons, and I love it when other people also acknowledge those pros - I'd much rather focus on the good stuff!
  20. eatingcroutons

    Aromantic Moments

    Hahaha this exact thing happened to me last weekend! I was catching up with a friend over Skype, and she spent a fair bit of that time talking about the trouble she'd been having trying to find a relationship. At one point she said outright to me, "I really wish I could be like you and just not be interested in relationships!"
  21. eatingcroutons

    Wanting internet friends

    Yeah, I was gonna say - I'm sorry for what you went through Ice Queen, but being let down by one friend doesn't mean that friendship is a bad idea. I've been let down by friends "in real life" and I've got friends online I've known for fifteen years and still trust to turn to for advice. People are people, online or offline. As for the original question, one of the things I love about making internet friends is that you tend to come at the "getting to know each other" part entirely through shared interests. When I make friends with someone online, it usually starts with talking entirely about a TV show or movie we both love. The more we talk about that thing, the more personal details start to slip into the conversation, and the more we get to know each other, as a natural progression. So yeah, what Echidna said: If you see someone talking about enjoying a thing you also enjoy, jump in and join in the conversation! Find a community that also likes the thing! You'll probably discover that just by hanging out and chatting about the thing, you'll start to get to know and make friends with people.
  22. eatingcroutons

    update: aro in romantic relationship

    The fundamental definition of emotional abuse is using someone's emotions to attempt to control them. Someone begging you to have a relationship with them because they will suffer without that relationship is emotional abuse. Someone using guilt to wear you down until you give in to having a relationship with them is emotional abuse. Look at how you're describing what happened. You told your partner you wanted to break up; their immediate reaction was to focus the situation on their suffering ("they said they were not psychologically ready to not be with me"), and use your guilt over that to wear you down until, in your own words, you were too exhausted not to give in. Your partner is using classic emotional abuse tactics to coerce you to stay in a relationship that is making you miserable. I told you in my reply to your last post that your partner's behaviour was raising a lot of red flags (pressuring or coercing you into physical acts you're not comfortable with is also a classic form of emotional abuse). I know you care about them - that's often what makes dealing with emotionally abusive partners so difficult. But your partner is exploiting the fact that you care about them to coerce and manipulate you into a relationship you have clearly told them you don't want right now. That's emotional abuse, and it's not okay.
  23. eatingcroutons

    If you could take a pill...

    Man I am the complete opposite. I'd take a pill to become pansexual, so that there'd be even more people I want to have sex with.
  24. eatingcroutons

    Sex with feelings #NoRomo

    I'm definitely one of those people who feels sex as an itch that needs to be scratched. I've never really understood treating sex as some kind of reverent, emotionally intimate activity - in fact partners who get emotionally intimate during sex make me uncomfortable. (Possibly because pretty much every time that's happened to me, it's led to situations where the person I was sleeping with wanted a relationship with me.) The platonic friends I have sex with regularly - FWBs - are people I can absolutely trust not to make sex a weird emotionally intimate thing. So the sex I have with the people I'm closest to platonically usually ends up being pretty transactional. When I sleep with one of my FWBs it usually happens along the lines of one of us texting "You free tonight?" and then hooking up an hour later for mutually enjoyable orgasms. It's not intense or emotional, it's just a fun thing to do with friends. Sex with a new partner tends to be more intense/exciting for me because there's an element of anticipation to it. The whole process of making eye contact across a bar, flirting to feel out whether the attraction is mutual, finding subtle ways to touch each other - there's just more of a thrill to it than the simple comfort of hooking up with a FWB. I also feel more intense desire when my sexual partner is someone I respect or admire. I guess there's an aspect of arousal that comes from enjoying being seen as wanted and worthy of attention in their eyes - of knowing they also find me attractive and desirable. Other than that... nah, sex for me is about lust, and I much prefer it that way.
  25. eatingcroutons

    Aromantism and Marriage

    I've spent most of my adult life telling people my ideal partner is "a best friend I want to have sex with". It took me a long, long time to realise that's not how most people see their romantic partners, lol. You can want to have a life partner and want to get married without feeling romantic attraction, or wanting your relationship with that partner to be romantic.