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eatingcroutons

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About eatingcroutons

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    crou
  • Romanticism
    aro
  • Sexuality
    mostly men

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  1. I completely agree! Group relationships are a massively important part of my life, and I think it's helpful to lay out the distinction between binary and group relationships in this way. I spend a lot of effort actively maintaining connections to groups, and while I've never had a binary relationship I'm certainly not alone or lonely.
  2. Oh for fuck's sake. The entire point is that a QPR is a label chosen by the people involved for a relationship that they feel, as Coyote said, "doesn't fit within societal norms". It's a label used by people who feel their relationship isn't adequately described by any other term available within their social and cultural environment. That is, there's no specific feeling or behaviour or commitment that makes a relationship a QPR; the idea that someone else can define your relationship as "queerplatonic" based on the nature of the relationship is perpetuating the exact amatonormative relationship hierarchy bullshit that the term was coined in opposition to! I personally flat-out refuse to use the term "queerplatonic" for any of my relationships, no matter how far beyond a "normal friendship" they go, because I refuse to accept society's limitations on what can be called a "friendship". The idea that someone might look at one of my friendships and tell me, "Hey, that's actually a QPR!" makes my skin crawl.
  3. Yeah, this is why I don't bother using the word, and describe my experience instead. ...I don't tend to put up with people who treat me that way for very long.
  4. In my experience this actually does work pretty well. I just say, "I don't do relationships," and I find people take that at face value.
  5. There are other opt-in channels for sexual content, since there are a bunch of people who want to avoid that, too.
  6. I know I've said this a bunch of times before, but the only definition of "queerplatonic relationship" I've been able to articulate that actually fits the varied and sometimes contradictory explanations people give of QPRs is, "A platonic relationship that in some way crosses boundaries of what is broadly considered acceptable/normal in platonic relationships, and which the people involve consider non-romantic."
  7. As someone for whom empathy is always a conscious choice, not a feeling, I agree with this so hard.
  8. Only in the sense that having a partner would make things like buying a house easier (with the extra salary).
  9. I personally am all for expanding the definition of "friend" to mean whatever you goddamn want it to be. I have several friends that I have sex with semi-regularly, and as far as I'm concerned I shouldn't have to call them something else just because parts of society can't fathom the idea of having sex with friends. That said, it sounds like your partner is willing to work with you on figuring out this relationship, so maybe it's worth just talking to them at some point about what you call each other? (It's fantastic that they took the initial discussion so well, they sound like a great person to have in your life!)
  10. Thread title: What can we do besides wordsmith? Thread content: intense wordsmithing "Queerplatonicnormativity" is exactly what the Tumblr posts you linked to at the start of this thread were complaining about, and fighting that norm within our communities is exactly what they were suggesting. When arotaro says, "That 'default' is so overpowering that those of us who do not fit into this description often feel excluded from the aro community," they're talking about the 'default' assumption that all aros want a QPR, or some kind of committed partnership. An example: an old friend of mine was in a really, really bad mental space and I told him "I love you" because I knew he needed to hear it. I then hopped onto Discord to vent about how saying "I love you" had made me really uncomfortable, and got a response along the lines of, "Baby steps are fine! You do you, as long as he's fine with taking it slow too." And I had to explain that we weren't "taking it" anywhere, that I was not remotely interested in a relationship with this guy (or anyone else). In my experience the extent to which this "default" exists varies among community spaces, but in every aro and aspec space I've been in, at least once people have assumed I want or would be interested in a QPR. I tend to spend less time in the spaces where that assumption is more prevalent, largely because I find discussion of QPRs and seeking and maintaining them equally as off-putting as discussion of romantic relationships. So I guess that's a manifestation of what arotaro was complaining about: I feel somewhat excluded by those community spaces. I don't think that having an agreed-upon label for those of us who really aren't interested in any kind of partnership or committed relationship, seriously is the best way to solve that problem. Not least because of the issues the links in the OP describe about coming up with such a term. An example of something that has been helpful is the Arocalypse Discord explicitly segregating off channels for "Romo-talk" (discussions of romance-coded things) and "Nonromo-love" (discussions of queerplatonic and other non-romantic relationships), to minimise the prevalence of those topics in general channels. Other things that would help of course include more visibility and discussion of the experiences of those of us who are very, very happy to be single and stay that way forever.
  11. I'm still baffled by it, to be perfectly honest. I don't understand what's unclear or insufficient about saying, "I want to be better friends with that person," or, "I think they're great, I want to spend more time with them," or any of the countless ways we already have to describe liking and wanting to be friends with people.
  12. In my case I'd say, "I experience love as a single coherent emotion, which I feel in varying degrees towards different people in my life, but which is qualitatively the same emotion whether it's for friends, family, or anyone else."
  13. I was raised in an environment where this was never the case. Nobody ever told me consensual sex of any kind was shameful, and I know both of my parents had many other sexual partners before they got married. My school had a healthy sex education programme, and I found university to be a healthy and sex-positive environment. I'm afraid I can't offer much advice for breaking out of internalised shame about sex, other than to repeat the fact that there is nothing shameful about consensual sex of any kind. I honestly can't remember ever being insulted because I have casual sex. Maybe surrounding yourself with like-minded people is the answer? 😅
  14. I want exactly what I have now: Lots of friends, some of whom I have sex with. (Well, more sex would be good.) It didn't feel like that was covered by any of the poll options, so I didn't vote.
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