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About eatingcroutons

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  • Romanticism
    Probably aro
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  1. eatingcroutons

    What is your definition of a QPR/squish?

    After a metric fuckton of reading, the understanding I've come to of what constitutes a QPR is: A non-romantic relationship that goes beyond the boundaries of a conservative USAmerican conception of what is expected or appropriate between platonic friends.
  2. eatingcroutons

    Does aromanticism affect appearance?

    I dress to look good because it has professional and social benefits. Attractive people are perceived to be more intelligent, persuasive, trustworthy and healthy. All of which is based on bullshit stereotyping, but if I'm stuck in this system I may as well exploit it as far as I can. So while I don't wear makeup as a general rule, I always do for job interviews, networking events, professional speaking engagements, formal social occasions, etc. For everyday purposes I dress in clothes that suit my figure and are easy to wear, and keep my face and hair clean and neat. I think the only time my attitudes to sex/relationships have had an effect on how I present myself was back when I used to dress up if I was going out and hoping to pull. But over the years I've learned that I can pretty easily find sexual partners even in jeans and a tshirt, so why bother?
  3. It's an unfortunate fact of life that sometimes we want more from other people than they do from us. Like any other case of heartbreak or unrequited feelings, there's not a lot you can do about it except allow yourself space to grieve, like Eklinaar says, and work towards accepting the fact that you're not going to be able to have that kind of relationship with him. You're doing the right thing by not putting pressure on him, but if this situation reaches the point where it's negatively affecting your existing friendship, or negatively affecting your mental state, you may want to consider telling him that you need a little time apart. If you do talk to him about this make sure you make it very clear that you don't blame him for your unrequited feelings or expect anything from him, and that you still absolutely care about him and want him as your best friend - you just need a little space to get over your feelings.
  4. eatingcroutons

    QPR advice please

    If there's one thing I've learned from reading dozens and dozens of articles and discussions about QPRs, it's that there no such thing as "what a QPR entails". QPRs are defined entirely by the people involved in them, and everyone has different ideas about what one should entail. If I were you I'd see if I could find an opportunity to ask your friend to explain what she envisions as the kind of QPR she'd like. What sort of commitment would she expect it to involve? What sort of behaviours would be expected/acceptable? How long-term would she want it to be? Once you have a better idea of what she specifically is looking for, you'll be better placed to have a think about whether you're interested in having that kind of relationship with her.
  5. I have to admit that as an allo aro, like others in this thread I wasn't thrilled when I checked out your website and found it to be almost exclusively about asexuality. All the meetup groups are for aces. All the resources are about aces. The only mention I could find anywhere of aro issues as distinct from ace issues was a single line in the takeaways from the Ace/Aro Caucus: "As asexuality gains more recognition, the aro community continues to be erased, even within the a-spec community." No kidding! Other than this line, every mention of aro issues on your website is tacked on as an addendum to ace issues - where aros are even mentioned it's always "ace/aro" or "ace and aro". I'm glad that you're planning to improve this, I really am. And I fully believe that you are approaching this project in good faith. But when you say you've been "shocked" by encounters with people you still work with in terms of their attitudes to aromanticism... I mean that does make me sceptical about what exactly this book is going to turn out to be. Nobody likes to be tacked on as a grudging afterthought. As others have mentioned you may also want to think about your approach to data privacy issues. As a European I don't see any indication that you've taken GDPR into consideration - if you want to collect any kind of personal data from European citizens (including names or email addresses) you must comply with the GDPR laws that came into effect earlier this year. I don't mean to sound overly negative, as I do really like the idea of the book, and I think it could be really really helpful! I'm being critical because I want it to do well and I think solving these issues will be important to make sure it does do well.
  6. eatingcroutons

    Aromantic Moments

    I'm sorry you had that negative experience. I guess for me the pros of being aro absolutely outweigh the cons, and I love it when other people also acknowledge those pros - I'd much rather focus on the good stuff!
  7. eatingcroutons

    Aromantic Moments

    Hahaha this exact thing happened to me last weekend! I was catching up with a friend over Skype, and she spent a fair bit of that time talking about the trouble she'd been having trying to find a relationship. At one point she said outright to me, "I really wish I could be like you and just not be interested in relationships!"
  8. eatingcroutons

    Wanting internet friends

    Yeah, I was gonna say - I'm sorry for what you went through Ice Queen, but being let down by one friend doesn't mean that friendship is a bad idea. I've been let down by friends "in real life" and I've got friends online I've known for fifteen years and still trust to turn to for advice. People are people, online or offline. As for the original question, one of the things I love about making internet friends is that you tend to come at the "getting to know each other" part entirely through shared interests. When I make friends with someone online, it usually starts with talking entirely about a TV show or movie we both love. The more we talk about that thing, the more personal details start to slip into the conversation, and the more we get to know each other, as a natural progression. So yeah, what Echidna said: If you see someone talking about enjoying a thing you also enjoy, jump in and join in the conversation! Find a community that also likes the thing! You'll probably discover that just by hanging out and chatting about the thing, you'll start to get to know and make friends with people.
  9. eatingcroutons

    update: aro in romantic relationship

    The fundamental definition of emotional abuse is using someone's emotions to attempt to control them. Someone begging you to have a relationship with them because they will suffer without that relationship is emotional abuse. Someone using guilt to wear you down until you give in to having a relationship with them is emotional abuse. Look at how you're describing what happened. You told your partner you wanted to break up; their immediate reaction was to focus the situation on their suffering ("they said they were not psychologically ready to not be with me"), and use your guilt over that to wear you down until, in your own words, you were too exhausted not to give in. Your partner is using classic emotional abuse tactics to coerce you to stay in a relationship that is making you miserable. I told you in my reply to your last post that your partner's behaviour was raising a lot of red flags (pressuring or coercing you into physical acts you're not comfortable with is also a classic form of emotional abuse). I know you care about them - that's often what makes dealing with emotionally abusive partners so difficult. But your partner is exploiting the fact that you care about them to coerce and manipulate you into a relationship you have clearly told them you don't want right now. That's emotional abuse, and it's not okay.
  10. eatingcroutons

    If you could take a pill...

    Man I am the complete opposite. I'd take a pill to become pansexual, so that there'd be even more people I want to have sex with.
  11. eatingcroutons

    Sex with feelings #NoRomo

    I'm definitely one of those people who feels sex as an itch that needs to be scratched. I've never really understood treating sex as some kind of reverent, emotionally intimate activity - in fact partners who get emotionally intimate during sex make me uncomfortable. (Possibly because pretty much every time that's happened to me, it's led to situations where the person I was sleeping with wanted a relationship with me.) The platonic friends I have sex with regularly - FWBs - are people I can absolutely trust not to make sex a weird emotionally intimate thing. So the sex I have with the people I'm closest to platonically usually ends up being pretty transactional. When I sleep with one of my FWBs it usually happens along the lines of one of us texting "You free tonight?" and then hooking up an hour later for mutually enjoyable orgasms. It's not intense or emotional, it's just a fun thing to do with friends. Sex with a new partner tends to be more intense/exciting for me because there's an element of anticipation to it. The whole process of making eye contact across a bar, flirting to feel out whether the attraction is mutual, finding subtle ways to touch each other - there's just more of a thrill to it than the simple comfort of hooking up with a FWB. I also feel more intense desire when my sexual partner is someone I respect or admire. I guess there's an aspect of arousal that comes from enjoying being seen as wanted and worthy of attention in their eyes - of knowing they also find me attractive and desirable. Other than that... nah, sex for me is about lust, and I much prefer it that way.
  12. eatingcroutons

    Aromantism and Marriage

    I've spent most of my adult life telling people my ideal partner is "a best friend I want to have sex with". It took me a long, long time to realise that's not how most people see their romantic partners, lol. You can want to have a life partner and want to get married without feeling romantic attraction, or wanting your relationship with that partner to be romantic.
  13. eatingcroutons


    So I'm now caught up on The Handmaid's Tale and woooow I am now super fascinated by Serena as a character. It took her a long while to grow on me, but I'm loving the direction her character has been heading in. And yes, absolutely agreed! I get bored to death by fluffy meetcutes and curtainfic - I'm most interested in how characters deal with conflict and trauma and Things Going Wrong. I much prefer to read about complicated relationships than happy ones.
  14. eatingcroutons

    aro in a romantic relationship...

    So let me get this straight: 1. You communicated clearly to your partner what your physical and sexual boundaries are. 2. Your partner told you that they want you to compromise your boundaries so that they can get what they want out of the relationship. 3. On another occasion, your partner straight-up ignored your boundaries, forcing an intimate act on you without your consent. 4. You feel uncomfortable in your partner's presence because you believe that they might intentionally force acts of intimacy on you without your consent again. I'm going to be blunt here and remind you that kissing someone without their consent is sexual assault. You may not want to call it that, or think of your partner in those terms, but legally and ethically your partner assaulted you, and their behaviour as a whole is throwing up an awful lot of red flags. If you choose of your own free will to compromise on your boundaries for the sake of your partner or your relationship, that's a decision you're allowed to make. Most relationships involve some sort of compromise. But you are not obliged to do things that make you uncomfortable just because your partner wants you to. And there is never, ever, any justification for your partner taking what they want from you by force just because they want it.
  15. 100% agreed with this. I didn't answer the poll because I believe all aspects of our personalities - including identity and orientation - are influenced by nature and nurture.