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eatingcroutons

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About eatingcroutons

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    crou
  • Romanticism
    Probably aro
  • Sexuality
    Mostly men

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  1. eatingcroutons

    Early signs that you were aro

    Another revelation: I have a friend whose husband had never had sex with anyone else before they got together. After ten years together they decided they were comfortable enough in their relationship that they were both cool with him trying out having sex with someone else. I was the first person they approached because, to paraphrase my friend, "I know you'd run a thousand miles before getting emotionally attached to him." I am literally going to kick every one of my friends' arses for not telling me they'd realised I was aromantic YEARS ago.
  2. Still on the horror theme, just watched The Ritual which has very little romance (occasional mention of characters' partners).
  3. eatingcroutons

    Writing Thread

    I write fanfiction and fannish non-fiction, and usually write on a computer. But if there's a particularly complex concept I want to explain, or plot I want to piece together, I'll sometimes write it out on paper first - all the bits and pieces on different pages so that I can move them around and re-connect bits until I have the narrative I want. (I'm a very visuo-spatial person!)
  4. eatingcroutons

    How to find companionship for life?

    Man I am so glad to discover that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have always been utterly baffled by how people can just start dating someone they barely know.
  5. eatingcroutons

    A Million Dollars But...

    I invest the million dollars in 10,000+ shares that are each valued at less than 100 dollars. A million dollars but if you take it, a million dollars also goes to funding a political party you hate.
  6. eatingcroutons

    Article

    The fact that he deludes himself about how he sees their friendship doesn't change the fact that he is treating friendship as transactional, with the expectation that the effort he puts into the friendship will eventually lead to a sexual/romantic relationship. Men who believe following basic social expectations is currency for sex behave according to that belief. When (straight) men who hold this belief put effort into friendships with women, it's with the expectation that those friendships are a transactional means to obtaining a sexual/romantic relationship. There are clusters of satellite behaviours associated with the phenomenon to various degrees, but as I said right at the start, fundamentally the Nice Guy™ is a man who treats friendship with women as a means to an end.
  7. eatingcroutons

    Article

    Top definition on UrbanDictionary. It's generally understood that way in all the communities I hang out in, but ymmv. The XCKD comic you linked is absolutely representative. It shows a guy who's acting as a friend to a woman with the expectation that through their friendship he will one day gain a romantic/sexual relationship. He doesn't value the friendship in and of itself. He sees it as a means to an end. That's the Nice Guy™ in a nutshell.
  8. Especially given that even humans have trouble identifying "flirtiness" 😂 I assume it'd just go for a few very obvious sets of behaviour though, and let the grey areas be. Still, it sounds like a really useful app for all kinds of people - I googled a few articles about it and as one said, "An especially tricky type of human connection for an app to ‘fix’ is making new friends, as friendships are often forged in the fire of random real life experience." I'd be really interested to hear about people's experiences trying it out!
  9. eatingcroutons

    Questioning Sexual attraction while super aro

    Nobody has a right to know any more about your sexuality than you want them to. You're not required to share personal or intimate details with anyone, if you'd rather keep those things to yourself. Being queer only has to be as significant a part of your identity as you want it to be - you get to define who you are, and what that means to you. You don't have force yourself to try to find a more specific label than "queer" if you don't want to!
  10. eatingcroutons

    Article

    I agree, but that's a massive misrepresentation of the Nice Guy™ phenomenon. The Nice Guy™ is a guy who only ever sees friendships with women as a potential path to getting a girlfriend - never as valuable in and of themselves. He fundamentally sees any kind of relationship with women as a transactional, even combative process. He will therefore be as "nice" as possible in all the ways he believes are socially expected of him: he'll offer emotional support, he'll be kind and compliment you, he'll never take advantage when you're drunk, etc. But he'll do all these things with the fundamental expectation that one day they will be reciprocated with a sexual and romantic relationship. As though that's what he deserves for being a decent human being. And when it doesn't happen, he'll be like, "I don't understand why she doesn't want me as a boyfriend! I'm such a Nice Guy! Why do women only ever date jerks?!" See this article about the phenomenon, as explained by psychologists: "The idea is that if you meet someone's needs without them having to ask, they should meet yours. Ergo if a man is nice to a woman, she should repay him by becoming his girlfriend, because that’s obviously how these things work."
  11. I'm a big horror/thriller fan, so here are some personal recs. It's been a while since I've seen some of these so please let me know if I've forgotten about romance in any of them! Thrillers without romance Alien (1979): Sci-fi/thriller/horror and an absolute classic. The crew of a spaceship unwittingly bring a hostile alien life-form on board and try to survive as it hunts them down. Pitch Black (2000): Another sci-fi/thriller/horror, and a long-time personal favourite in part because the relationship between the main male and female character is so clearly not ever romantic. A transport ship crashes on a planet where they find an empty colony. While trying to find a way off the planet they discover that the planet is also inhabited by other creatures, and have to learn to trust each other and work together to survive. Sunshine (2007): Sci-fi/thriller and one of my all-time favourite films. The sun is dying, and the first attempt to re-ignite it with a nuclear bomb failed. Humanity's last hope is sending a spaceship to try one more time with the last of their nuclear material. I love how this film handles characterisation and conflict: no caricatures, no cheap miscommunications, no overused tropes, it's just a genuinely great film. The Girl with All the Gifts (2016): Horror/thriller with an interesting and refreshing take on the zombie apocalypse premise. I only saw this for the first time recently, and really enjoyed it. Snowpiercer (2013): Post-apocalyptic sci-fi. What's left of humanity lives on a train circling the world, where the wealthy elite brutally oppress the lower class passengers. It's not a subtle metaphor, but it is a good film. The Silence of the Lambs (1991): Another absolute classic. Crime/thriller, where a young detective asks for help from an imprisoned serial killer - Hannibal Lecter, psychiatrist and cannibal - to try to track down another serial killer. Brilliantly creepy stuff, really sets the standard for crime/thrillers. Hanna (2011): Action/thriller. A teenage girl has been raised all her life to be a ruthless assassin, and sets off on a mission across Europe. Reccing this one with a caveat, see spoilers below: Straight-out horror without romance: (Note that these have some pretty dark themes and explicit violence. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK, and ask me if you want details about specific squicks or triggers in any of them.) Case 39 (2009): Mystery/horror. A social worker rescues a young girl from abusive parents, but it turns out the girl might not exactly be what she seems. Not the most amazing film overall but a solid popcorn horror. Goodnight Mommy (2014): Mystery/horror. The mother of two young boys returns home after having reconstructive cosmetic surgery, but something seems off about her behaviour. I can't say much more without spoilers, but this is a super creepy film with plenty of psychological tension. These three horror films are particularly dark and brutal, so I won't actually summarise them here. But if you're into full-on graphic horror without romance getting in the way, you could try Martyrs (2008), Haute Tension (2003), or À l'intérieur (2007). Thrillers where nothing explicitly romantic really happens, but because two of the main characters are a man and a woman, we're probably expected to assume the relationship is romantic or has the potential to become romantic: (I personally do NOT read these as romantic relationships (partly as a "fuck you" to the expectation that we're supposed to) but if that kind of amatonormativity squicks you out, proceed with caution with these.) 28 Days Later (2002): Sci-fi/horror, and another of my absolute favourite films of all time. Zombie apocalypse film where the protagonist wakes up from a month-long coma to discover humanity has been overrun by a "rage" virus that makes people rip each other apart. Again what I love about it is the characterisation, particularly how each person in the story reacts and evolves to survive their situation. Aliens (1986): Sequel to Alien, with a bit more action than just sci-fi/horror. Contact is lost with a distant space colony and the military sends a team to investigate. Great sci-fi film with sooo many memorable scenes and lines. Blood Diamond (2006): Adventure/thriller which is very much tied into real-world politics and events. Primarily about how people and resources are exploited by the diamond trade in Africa, following the story of multiple groups fighting for possession of a particularly large diamond. A really powerful movie which touches on several serious topics. Message from the King (2016): Crime/thriller. A man comes to Los Angeles from South Africa to look for his missing sister, who seems to have gotten into trouble with local drug/crime syndicates. He works his way through clues and contacts trying to discover what's happened to her. Chadwick Boseman is amazing as a vigilante force for justice. 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016): Mystery/horror. A woman has a car accident and when she wakes up, finds herself trapped in an underground bunker with a survivalist who tells her there's been an apocalyptic chemical attack and they can't go outside. Another solid popcorn thriller. Thrillers in which references to or appearances by romantic partners occur, but where romance is generally incidental to the plot: Memento (2000): One of the all-time great mystery/thriller films. Told from the perspective of a man with short-term memory loss, in a narrative style that is confusing at first but a fascinating way to reveal a story. The protagonist is trying to find his wife's killer but the film is very much about the mystery, not their romance. Minority Report (2002): Sci-fi and action/thriller, set in a future where a "Pre-crime" police division stops violent crimes before they happen, based on the visions of three psychic humans. The protagonist goes on the run after a vision appears of him committing a murder in the future. The protagonist is estranged from his wife but this is only really relevant to his backstory and motivations. Solid popcorn sci-fi. Event Horizon (1997): Sci-fi/thriller/horror, fairly heavy on the horror and gore. A crew is sent to investigate a spaceship that was thought lost while testing a new kind of propulsion system, but mysteriously reappears months later. They discover that wherever the spaceship went, it may have brought something back with it. Characters experience hallucinations of people they care about suffering, which in one case include's a character's dead wife. Solid popcorn horror. I Am Legend (2007): Post-apocalyptic sci-fi/horror where an infection killed most of the human race, and turned those who survived into monsters who can only live underground or in the dark. The protagonist is trying to survive and find a cure, and there are occasional flashbacks to memories of his wife and child. Solid take on the zombie/apocalypse genre. The Babadook (2014): Horror/thriller. A single mother has a son who is convinced a supernatural monster hiding in their house, and coming to get them. Strange things start to happen as it turns out her son may not be wrong. Some references are made to the mother's dead husband. Generally a well-liked horror film. Hush (2016): Thriller/slasher. A deaf woman living out alone in the woods is stalked by a murderer trying to get into her home. Her boyfriend does show up in the film, but the extent of their on-screen relationship is that they don't want each other to die. I know I keep saying this but: Solid popcorn slasher.
  12. eatingcroutons

    Early signs that you were aro

    The first and only time I've ever told a sexual partner, "I love you," he replied, "No you don't." (He was right. I didn't. Not in the way I was trying to believe I did, anyway.)
  13. eatingcroutons

    Aro.......but in the worst way (Song)

    lol this was pretty much my reaction. I don't know the song, but the lyrics read to me like someone frustrated with themselves for not being able to "fall in love" the way they've been raised to believe they should, and with a lot of internalised self-loathing about what sort of person that makes them. It's okay dude, not falling in love does not make you an "empty shell".
  14. eatingcroutons

    I've been told by my friend "it's just a phase".

    Can you try getting her to think about how it would make her feel if someone said something like that to her? If she has a romantic partner, you could ask her to think about how it'd feel if someone told her, "I don't think your feelings for [partner] will last, you're not going to love them forever." Or if there's some part of her identity she's not 100% secure about, you could ask how she'd feel if someone told her, "You may think you're X for now, but I think that will change, you're not going to identify as X forever." The point here isn't to be cruel or to give her a taste of her own medicine!! Make it very clear that you're not saying you agree with these statements, and not saying you think her feelings will change. You're just asking her to recognise that when someone does say something like that they're essentially saying, "I know you better than you know yourself," or, "I don't believe that you have a reliable understanding of your own feelings/identity," and that's incredibly condescending. If she's a good friend in general, hopefully she'll be able to understand that. Sometimes people just don't realise the hurtful implications of things they're saying until you spell it out for them.
  15. eatingcroutons

    Shipping

    I missed this earlier but 💯💯💯 I'm not really into the Handmaid's Tale fandom, but this is definitely the sort of trainwreck that I'm into in most fictional contexts. Have you seen this Lin Manuel-Miranda quote? It definitely gets across the idea of wanting to vicariously try things in fiction that would make you uncomfortable in real life: "I find that, for me, the work is a safe place to put all the stuff you don’t want to put in your real life. ... I don’t want to have an affair. I don’t want to have a fucking gunfight. But! There’s a part of your brain that wants to experience everything, and so work’s a safe place to explore it all. Both in the writing and in the performing. I get to write about an affair. I get to have the guilt and the feeling of that without having to fuck my life up. [laughs] "Art is the place to safely explore all those other sides of you, because the side you want to bring home is the side that wants to be a good father and be a good husband and be a good son. In art we can be fucking nuts."
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