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Everything posted by nonmerci

  1. The aro-gator is so cute! Though femme fennec fox is the cutest (what is it for? In French femme means woman, is it connected? Sorry I never heard this term... except in French lol)
  2. I was sure that QPRs was originally an aro term! I mean, I never thought about it because I personally don't care about how a word was created. But as bydontost said, I thought it was created by aros because of the definition that we have now, that focuses on friendship and romance. I had ni idea this concept was important for the ace community, so thanks for letting me know! I agree! I mean, I think it is very important for aros to feel safe in ace places if they want to go there. But I know that even if I am ace, I don't go on ace spaces, not because I don't feel sage but because I don't think it will be useful for me (basically, I identify as ace because I don't feel sexual attraction, but I don't see that as having a huge impact on my life, let alone my identity; while I feel that aromanticism has an impact on my life choices). I would be glad to see more aro communities! Also I don't get why we are focusing on making ace communities safe place for aros, and not LGBT and society in general (because I guess that, for instance, a bisexual aro also have a lot of problems for joining busexual communities, or at least I sometimes saw bi-aro complaît about it, but we don't adress this issue as we do with ace communities).
  3. Well, I will soon celebrate Christmas with a yule log; does it count? I love food we have at Christmas. Lol I can imagine your reaction. Even when imagine my wedding, I didn't have the details, and clearly not the romantic stuff; I just love wedding dress, good meal, and maye the idea of having all the family here as I don't see them often (except my parents, as I live with them). But yeah, the idea of celebrating a new house is great!
  4. I can relate. I chose my name of my future children, but never fantasize about a husband, even if I know that some spermatozoid have to come be involved. (the only time I think about the husband was to wonder "what if we don't like the same names for our children"?) Well, I'm probably gonna give my eggs and/or adopt alone, so… problem solved? (well, not solved because adoption when you're not in a couple is harder, and adoption in a couple is already hard; but at least no husband will be there to fight for the names lol). Also : I used to think about my wedding. And was I discover I was sad… not beacause I will never have a husband, I don't mind, I never think about him… but the dress, the meal and the cake? My dream of the perfect wedding dinner, vanished. It hurts.
  5. Yep, that was my fear. Asexuals are a smala group too, but at least their dating app has only one goal : dating. But I hope one day something like this will be possible.
  6. Sunna, you are now my King of Empathy. I think you perfectly understand it. Listening is the key. You don't have to feel the same to understand, even if it makes things harder (like this time when a friend of mine ask if I sometimes feel the same way as is, and that I had to come out to him lol).
  7. Ok, my question must sound weird as most of the time, allo are the one who clearly has no empathy for us. Also when I say "we", I mean in general, it aims at no one in particular. The thing is : from what I read sometimes, it seems aro has difficulties to understand romantic feelings and heartbreaks, for obvious reasons. Also, as we have a lot of bad experiences with them when they don't try to understand us, which leads us to be on defensive sometimes. However, I think it leads us to be rude, in particular when allo come on an aro website to seek advice with an aro person. For instance, I saw some comments saying things like they are wrong to feel the way they feel. While I think we should try to understand why they react this way instead of blame them, the same way they try to understand us. (I'm of course talking of allos who are not reacting as jerks when someone say they are aros, but people who try to get it, like people who are in a Relationship with an aro for instance and are trying to make things right). I'd add that this not only an aro thing. For instance, I saw in aces community people being completely unsympathetic (is that a word?) with allosexuals. Some people in a romantic relationship with an allo, who want their partner to understand them but will never make an effort to do the same (well, I Don't think we reach this point and I hope we never will, but that's it). I don't know for you, but sometimes this lack of empathy makes me uncomfortable. I'm wondering if it is just me, or if this is something we should work on? Because clearly, we can't expect people to understand how we feel if we don't try to do the same.
  8. Honestly I feel it is best to tell him from the start. I know that I would feel used and betrayed if someone date me to figure out their orientation without telling me. Allos seem to react pretty badly when they discover it, so if you want to keep him as a friend if it doesn't work it is better to tell him. Or if you want to continue the relationship with some compromises (some aros date allos sometimes). But you have to trust him with this information of course. Of course this is just my thoughts.
  9. Break-ups are always difficult, but it is not your fault. In fact I think you were right to break up with him this early. Break-ups are hard I guess, but not as hard as fakie happiness. You say you hurt him; but it would have hurt you to stay in a relationship where you are not comfortable (and it would have hurt him too in the end). You did what is best. Plus, remember you can't control people feelings for you. Even if you were alloromantic, would you date every single person who ask you out? I guess you won't. You're not horrible at all. It's better to break-up than long about how you feel. I think I read people saying it is possible. I think there are posts here about people realizing there are aros, or people realizing they are dating aros, after years of romantic relationship. For what I see, it demands a lot of mutual comprehension and sometimes compromises (so both of them can have something satisfying). I don't know if it's disproportionate. As far as I know, romantic feelings are strong pretty quick, though strong doesn't mean deep at all. I think this is just something that I can't understand as an aro, that's it.
  10. People can be such idiots! Thinking they know how you feel better than yourself... I would advice to stop talking to those people if they make you feel lm like that, but sometimes it's not possible. So when someone tell you that, think that there is people who actually get it, even alloromantics who understand and accept. The problem with some people is that they are unable to understand that something that is goal for them could bit interesting other people. Aros make them think about why romantic love is so important in their lige so they don't like that. They prefer to deny our existence than acknowledge things can be different.
  11. Yes, that's what I said too. TripleA suggested to use this flag to represent both aro aces and aro allos, and I was saying it would be a bad idea as this flag was made to represent allo aro only. (This is being said, your arrows are pretty)
  12. From Will I actually expect the writters to give an answer in next seasons so I won't see him this way. For me the character may have not realizing it yet. About vaguely portrayed orientations, I won't say I like it. I mean, you can be subtle and not go with big lights screaming "he is gay/bi/aro" or something else. But I prefer when it is clear. Because otherwise, I feel like the writters are... some kind of cowards? Like they want to please LGBT community, but at the same time don't assume their decision, or don't want to create polemic. I really don't think they do it so we can headcanon character as we want. In particular when it comes to "children movie" : just think about what happen with Beauty and the Beast 2017 because Le Fou danced 2 seconds with a guy... I think they just don't want to live that, so instead of saying there is LGBT characters, they prefer to hide them. I think this is what queerbaiting is about, or it is something else? Also, when it comes to orientations that people don't know about, I think it better to clear it. Even if the character don't say the word, makes clear that he has no interest for romance or it won't change. Or only aro will canon him and allo or questioning people will still don't know we exist. I mean, I am not against the non-clarification at all if the idea really is to let people canon as they want, but I don't think it is possible right now, and that it is just a way to make LGBT less visible without saying it. For Frozen for instance, they know LGBT canon her as lesbian so they won't say she is not. But at the same time they don't say she is because it would be polemic. I don't think such a behaviour is great.
  13. I would not see it as a representation of all the community, in particular when some colors seem to have been chosen to represent allosexuality (if I trust the website, the yellow part in the first flag was chosen because yellow is opposite of purple, asexuality color, so I can't see how aroace people can feel represented by it... and with the second flag there is also a color to represent sexuality). And it's weird to want to change the meaning of a flag like that. Just imagine if someone comes and want to use the aro flag to represent, I don't know, aplatonism. You would feel alienated. And I think the aro flag is already used bu the whole community? I never see any body don't use this one.
  14. Yep I was wondering about it. I don't know if I would using it myself, but I saw a lot of aromantics saying how difficult it was to find people for a QPR or a sexual relaionship, or even deep friendship. And I thought it would be great to have an app to help people find themselves. I made a post about it here, but as nobody answer I thought I was wrong.
  15. I don't see anything in what you say that sounds lije you do? What I read is people doing you wrong. There are probably people out there who'll want the same type of relationship you want. I hope you'll find them someday. That's really a shame we don't have aro "dating" website where people could find for this type of partners, that would make things easier.
  16. This is not an insecurity, this is something common for many aromantics. Most of us don't like the idea that a relationship or a type of relationship is more important than another. This is even something most of us don't understand. I don't think you can change that without making her unhappy, because she will her friends. That sounds more like an insecurity for me. The thing is : most of the time aromantics have trouble to make people believe that aromanticism is a thing. So admitting she has a boyfriend must be very difficult for her because she could face criticism or negationism. Also, friends do act weird when you're in couple, with supid jokes and all. But as you say, if you plan to be married one day, this is something she has to cope with. And also because hiding something is not sane. I don't know how you could help her except with being understanding and don't force her to do anything. She will present you as her boyfriend when she'll reday, so you have to reassure her while she is not ready. Also, you have to talk about this with her. If there is some things in your relationship you don't like, you have to be open about it. Problems and insecurities can't be solved if you never talk about it with each other.
  17. Hey everyone! Sorry if my questions here are rude. As I said many times here, I have a hard time understanding gender, transgender, agender, and why it matters to people. That's probably because I don't feel dysphoria, but I don't see gender as a part of my Identity. Or maybe I do and I have no conscius of that? Anyway, I know that if I have to list the thing that I feel important for my Identity, gender is not on the top of the list. That's why I have huge difficulties to understand things like gender studies (I have an English teacher who was passionate by "feminine writing" (don't know if that's the term in English), and I really don't get what it was and why women would have a special way of writing, though I'm woman and I write). In other words, I don't feel like my gender affects the way I behave. But it seems a lot of people don't think like me. And how I love to understand how other people think, and that I don't want to offense someone by ignorance, I have some questions here. 1. How would you define gender? 2. Does it matters to you? Why? 3. How do you know what gender you are? 4. For genderfluid people, how does it works? (sorry, I think that's what I understand the least, but I hope you can clear things to me) Here, I wish my question don't offense anyone. I just like to understand other people.
  18. Same! I wanted to share in th "aromantic songs" topic so I look closer to the lyrics, and I was disappointed. The fact that I'm not a native English speaker, and that I have difficulty with oral comprehension, doesn't help me at all. I also interpret romantic love songs as platonic love songs. I know they are not, but really I enjoy reading it this way.
  19. Even with the odd urge, such attitude is creepy. Like the fact you are single means you are forced to give them a chance. What these people say sounds like harrassment to me. Let's be honest : even if you were looking, you would never date such guys, that force it into you and don't listen to you at all. An these guys call themselves "nice guys"...
  20. I don't know, but I see some people do it. I suppose that some kind of sexist thing, like "you see this sexy woman? She is miiiiiiiiine". I got you. I identify as woman because I am born woman, and I'm not sure if it would change if I was born man. Sometimes I think I may still identify as a woman, but sometimes no. I think I would still don't care. As I said, I don't think about my gender as a personality trait (maybe more as a combinaison of personality traits?), I don't think it affects my personality at all (maybe it is the other way around, my personality affects how I see gender?). It's not something I ever think about it. Is doesn't care a cis thing, or are there cis that actually cares?
  21. I personally think that after a few years the feeling of being in love disappears to become tenderness. Or at least that the first passion dis appears to become something else. That's why there is no butterflies or thinking about the lover all day any more. I think there are studies that say romantic love disappear after 3 years (or maybe that's just an expression?). Well, I think it is more moving from passion to something softer, though there are still romantic feelings involved they are different. I also believe that long term marriage don't work without platonic content, but that's another subject. However, pair-bonded relationship haven't have to be romantic (and romantic relationships don't have to be pair-bonded, aka polyamory). I do agree that there are some amatonormative qtuff in QPR (the concept of platonic soulmate, the definition itself "more than a friendship but less than romance"). But I don't think it has to be that way.
  22. To begin you seem to use "androgynous" and "gender neutral" as synonymous while they are not for me. I understand androgynous as a mixed of masculine and feminine, and neutral as something who is no feminine nor masculine. Of course I can be wrong, as I am not a master of these notions; I'll let concerned people explain, it will be pretty interesting. Then this thing with feminine/masculine is western-centered. In other cultures genres can be seen completely differently. I have to search for articles about it, but I know that some cultures see a lot more genres than that. I know some transgenres don't like this idea, but genre is mainly a social construct; and then, there is the way people place themselves in this social construct. But social construct change when you change the society or culture.
  23. Not at all. What made you think that? The only thing I view as romantic in what I say is the physical part. And still, physical intimacy is not always romantic (it is very present in familly context too). And in my novel, it is présent more as a dog thing lol (one of my character is half wolf and enjoy touching on her Wolf form the same way a dog enjoy being petted). Also there is a lack of a lot of romance things : -butterflies or whatever people say to describe what the presence of a love interest do in it's body -thinking all day about the other -fantacize -speaking oddly (for some reason people speak oddly to their crushes) -feeling of romantic love. one of my character has a love interest and really, I wrote this completely differently.
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