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About nonmerci

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  1. That's why I identify as cis too, because I have no sense of my gender, don't consider it as a part of my identity, and don't care about that fact. (And that's why too I have difficulty to understand why people care about it though I am trying) But if I understand you don't identify as cis any more? Why? We learn from a very young age that people with a masculine sex behave this way, and people with a feminine sex behave this way. That leads people to believe that our behaviour is somehow linked to our biological sex. Which then leads to suffering and questioning if our behaviour doesn't match what it is expected because of our biology, and then to dysphoria. At least that's how I see it, but I am cis, and not cis people can correct me.
  2. I don't really care about monogamy (I thought, reading the definition, that I could care about structural monogamy, but then I read the example and... no). I suppose it is juste me thinking that some kind of connection with a person should not provide you for having the same connection with someone else, if this connection is developping itself. I must be a non-exclusive person. But to be honest, I never thought about it before. Monogamy us just don't sound like a concept that applies to me (that's why I chose "something else"). I just don't see the point in the kind of relationship I have (which are not sexual, not romantic, not queerplatonic...). I have familial and friendly relationships, and I can't see how concepts of monogamy and polygamy are relevant here.
  3. As @Jot-Aro Kujo said, anxiety towards romance is not necessarily aro, but a lot of aros feel it. I suppose that if you don't want to be in a romantic relationship, it is logical to feel not comfortable when you are in one, which leads to anxiety, nausea, etc.
  4. From what you say, it seems you need a deep platonic bound, which can be fulfilled by a romantic relationship, but also by platonic or queerplatonic, if you had the chance to have friends that are willing to have a deep bond with you. Now, I can't really help you with that as I personnaly don't feel this need; but maybe you can find some aro in a queerplatonic relationship to know how it worked? Also, don't lose hope : I'm sure deeper friendships exist over there. I saw some topic here about that, but it was usually aro who were engaged in a romantic relationship before they knew about aromanticism and are now trying to make it work with their partner. It is possible in theory, but as you said very complicated.
  5. I was wondering if anybody here watch You on Netflix? That's about a crazy guy who is ready to do anything for love… literally. He does horrible things through the show and justifies it because of *love*. Because of the plot, there is of course kisses, "romance", and all; but it's interesting to enter into his head and see how his need of romance leads him to crime. Or, how I say it, how romance tropes create a psychopath who is convinced he is a "good guy".
  6. Here's how I see it : what do you miss exactly? do you think it would be fixed by a romantic relationship? romantic feelings? what kind of emotional need do you lack exactly? Don't know if I make sense, but strong human connections don't have to be romantic; it can also be platonic, queerplatonic… First you have to define what kind of emotional need you have, and then try to find them. I think some aros are in a romantic relationship even if they don't feel attraction or romantic feelings. Also, is the label cupioromantic makes sense to you? An aro who still wants or needs romance?
  7. Ok, I get why you won't tell your husband. Same. Before I knew I was aro, I sometimes regretted to not have been borned at the time when arranged marriage was the norm, because I thought it was easier to get a husband that all the flirt and all... Now, I don't know if I would have been happy in a happy marriage, because I'm not sure I would have love kisses, sex, etc; but it sounded better at the time.
  8. Some things you say sound aromantic, in particular Now, only you can know how you feel; but there is other type of attraction than romantic and sexual : like physical, alterous, platonic... maybe you confused this things? You mean like aro flux? For some people orientation is fluid, it changes, with period where you feel it and some period you don't. Can I ask why you won't tell him? Of course it would hurt him at first, bit in the end wouldn't be more honnest for him, and easier tell him, tosay how you feel? I truly believe that communication is the key on a couple, so both people can find something satisfying. Though I can understand the fear of losing him. Some people stay in couple after realizing one of them is aro, though it leads to a change in the relationship (compromise between platonic and romantic feelings), bit I suppose some other couple don't.
  9. @hermi1e Exactly. To write spoilers, write your text between [spoiler*] and [/spoiler*], without the *. And also
  10. I didn't know the word "negging". I search on Google and that sounds dumb. I saw it on movies but not in real life (at least I think). But I suppose that the conversation I wrote can't be mistaken as negging... except that my characters really meant it and that the girl wants the boy to go away. It may also be the trope "they hate each other then fallin love" (well technically they hate each other and will become friends; but still, I never thought about it as a flirting phase...). And of course the fact that you always expect the boy and the girl to kiss at the end of a book or a movie...
  11. Oh I knew this existed somewhere. It should be in the front page. Now, I don't understand flirting. Or at least why something as consider as flirting. Here's the thing : I'm working on a book. At some point my characters are fighting/insuline each other, and one of my beta-reader thought they were flirting without noticing it. First, how can you flirt without knowing it? Second, the boy sayed the girl can't do something on her own and the girl called him arrogant. How is that flirting? How? Can someone explain this mystery to me? I dont get it. At all.
  12. Come on, only 90% of it (crying inside). I suppose it was supposed to be a jokes about how couples are in fact about sex more than romance, but i came out wrong and really this is bad. Aro are robots, sex is part of romance, and romantic love needs a lot of sex (90% exactly, so asexual romantic relationships are have only 10% of romance I guess). I didn't know you can put this much of amatonormativity in a few lines.
  13. I am working on a novel and asked for a beta-reading of an extract, which happens to be one of the first conversations of my main characters, a girl and a boy. They started by annoying each other and the girl doesn't like the guy. So of course, the beta-reader thought they hate each other at first and will fall in love later. And I was wonderng how to tell him how wrong he was. They'll be friends, not lovers. Because no romance in the novel, yeah!
  14. I don't know if I can help because I compartimentalize my emotions a lot too. When I discovered aromanticism, I tried to convince myself I was not part of it. Which is a bit weird because on the other side, I had zero problem accepting my asexuality (the harder here was to accept there was a special word and asexuality wasn't the norm lol). But I thought I had crushes because I intellectually chose boys that was nice and cute as potential husband (because getting married sounds like something you have to do in your life, accordons to society). And most of all, I wanted and still want to have children : being aro meaning give it up on having a traditional family, and it was hard for me, the very reason why I deny my aromanticism at first. This causes me to emphasize the one real crush I had : I couldn't be aro because I had butterflies for this guy as soon as he walks in, back in 2014. But it was 5 years ago, lasted only two or three weeks, and I wasn't obsessed about this guy, didn't daydream about kissing him or imagine a date or things like that. Could I really say I was allo based on one experience five years ago, that is even not as extreme as it seems to be for other people? I don't think so. Because of it and some intellectual interest (meaning I consciously decided I can have a crush on someone, which wasn't a crush in fact), I decided to go for greyro. But then I realized that I mistaken crushes for what I call now intellectual attraction or interest, and that I never had another crush like that in my whole life. So I use only aro now. But I had to go though denial phases before. So I don't know if this was because of society, my own desire, or whatever, but I get that you can be in denial and then emphasize all the things that would make you not aro, because it makes you feel safer.
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