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nonmerci

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    Nathalie

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  1. I would say to insist that he is disgusted by relationship in general and that this is due to his education. Also make it clear that in the end he is ok with it. It is ok that he has past trauma. What is offensive is if you makes this the cause of his aroaceness. For instance, in a story I have a psycho and traumatised aroace character, so I make it clear that his mental problems has nothing to do with his orientation, and that his orientation is as valid as any other. I'm not romance repulsed so I can't say. About stereotypes, I would say : look at Sheldon Cooper, and avoid everything BBT did (seriously, they did all the stereotypes : emotionless, no empathy, no understanding other's feeling, seing as a robot or an alien, and the worst, the idea that finding the one will change him). About coming out, it depends. A friend of mine was talking naturally about her bisexuality, which leads me to come out for the first time. It was great, because my friends are open-minded and polite. With my mother it was more complicated. She told me the classic "you'll change your mind later maybe". The difficulty with this orientation is that a lot of people don't know about it and/or deny his reality. And when they believe you they are horrified to think you will live forever alone.
  2. He doesn't sound emotionally closed-off to me. More like the fun friend who don't like to talk about his feelings. Anyway I think this is ok to have an emotionally closed-off aroace as long as it is clear this is not lin to aromanticism (ok, I am biaised because I one create a psychopath aroace, so...). I think Cristal gris is talking about squishes and other type of attractions? Squishes are an "aro crush" : the need to be come friend with someone. But I let the aros who are engaged in qpr explain (personnaly I don't care about QPR as all aros are not into it).
  3. Interesting topic. I think we talk a bit about it somewhere about wanting or not a QPR. I think that some of our language are a bit amatonormative. When I first discover our vocabulary it sounds like "we don't have romantic feelings but we still can form special bonds with people". The way some people talk about QPR makes me feel as alien than people who talk about romantic relationships. I think that romance is everywhere, so it's difficult to escape it, even when we try.
  4. 1) Talking about the split attraction model in a different way. For now what they say look like "we are normal we fall in love", and sometomes worst "our love is pure, not perverted by disgusting sex". I'm not saying they should not talk about romance or sex repulsion, but in a more neutral way so we don't feel like monsters. In particular for aro allo : the split attraction is something they should discussion without feeling attacked. 2) By saying things nicely? I don't know. Or by pointing out the person that makes us feel unconfortable instead of the person who is aro inclusive and try to do her best. 3) I'm not really into this irl, I just go on forum. I doubt there is one where I live anyway. 4) I think it makes it harder. First because aro and ace are two different things and mixing it can leader to conclusion. Second because it feel like a "pièce rapportée" as we say in French : something that we add after but is not really in its place. It makes me think of the Schuylers sisters in Hamilton, we are the little "and Peggy" of the LGBT community. (Tell me I'm not the only one with the reference please)
  5. My aroaceness gives you big virtual hugs. 😢 I have no parts in the events (I'm not really aware of what's happening) but I am sorry if you don't feel welcome in the aro community. The last thing I want is that the aro community becomes as exclusive and uncorfortable as the ace can be. I really believe that though aro allos and aro aces have specific problems, we are part of the same community and have a lot in common. (And though we owe some things to the ace community, they also harmed us à lot sadly).
  6. This would be interesting though long to make. About usine an umbrella term or a specifical term, I personality say I'm aromantic when I don't want to detail, and on the aro spectrum when I want to specify (I think talking about spectrum is less confusing for people who are not familiar with the terms and could think "what is that again?"; plus explaining the orientation we have to explain the spectrum too).
  7. Wow, I didn't know this term. I think it fit me, though I am a bit like you : sometimes I with I wasn't, bit it could be amonorlativity even here. In particular for me because unlike a lot of aro, I do want children. I experienced squishes. And I'm not against the idea of having a QPR (I think about it as an emotional bond that don't require kisses), I just miss it. I do believe that even here, we can talk about amanormativity. No offense to any aro in a QPR or who want one, but I think that QPR is some how described as something that replace romantic relationship for us : we don't have a romantic relationship but we can still form very powerful bounds with people. It's kind of the "we don't have se but fall in love" of the aro community. (Of course I'm not saying this is exact my the same thing, QPR is different of romantic relationship for a lot of reasons, but it share the particularity of being very important for people who are in them, and a minority of aro gave me the feeling they use it as a replacement for romantic bounds). So when we don't feel the need for it, I think we can feel the same way than with romantic relationship.
  8. I also think that grey is the good term for these orientations. But I suppose this difficulty with this term is that everybody has his own definition as it co vers a large umbrella. Anyway I think people who recognized themselves in the description are alloué to use it. @Coyote I love your article. What you said about greysexuality has a lot of similarities with how I feel about my greyromanticism. "Funny" thing : I didn't get what it ment to be grey, I thought it was more a subcategory of allo, until I realize I was grey myself. Only then I get that it clearly doesn't. It is in the aro spectrum. But as you said, the way it is usually described sounds like we are allo or aro depending on circumstances. But this is very different (at least for me).
  9. I think the reason we feel more alienated by the ace community than the aro one is because most of aces are allo (I think it's 80%? that's what I saw everytime). Which leads this place to talk a lot about romance. They like to exchange about how asexuality affects it. And one of their purpose is to alert people about the split attraction model. Now, I think it is also important for aro ace (I think that explaining to people that romantic attraction exist and is not the same as sexual attraction benefits to everyone), we don't need to explain them the split attraction to justify our actions or non actions. We could object this is the same thing with aro allo, but no. I think the ace Community was built to tell "romance with sex is ok", whereas the aro Community was built to say "no romance is ok". Even if aces try to be more inclusive, the base is still there. But with aro, even if it leads to subject specific to aro allos (split attaction too is essential, problems lead to how society view sex without romance) and to aro aces (difficulties when there is tension in the two communities, the fact we don't feel these attraction…), there is still a lot of topics we can talk about together (QPR, squishes, wanting children or not, society and romance…). IIn the ace Community I don't have that, not because they are hostile but because I don't feel like I have a lot to say. And then there is another problem : the fact that some aces forget our existence. I remember, talking about Jughead in YouTube, someone say Something like "he can still be asexua, you can be asexual and still live a powerful love story". Though this is true, when I read that I felt like the person was erasing aromatnicism (like saying "who cares if he's not aro, asexual are not are, he can still be asexual, give me my representation and don't care about the other"). I mean, we all know that when they canon him as asexual they meant asexual and aromantic. Some aces are just so focus on asexual romance, they sometimes forget us or are direspectful to us, even if they don't intend to. As if to exist they have to erase aro ace existence. Sometimes I feel like we are invalidating their cause for asexual romance by saying "actually I'm both asexual and aromantic". It remembers me a show I see once (Cristal gris I understand you are French (sorry if I got it wrong), so it may interest you "C'est mon choix - je n'aime pas le sexe"; some questions are acephobic but a lot of aces are talking about their experiences). In it their were asexual guests and very allosexual guests. The allosexual had a hard time to understand that you can be a couple without having sex (some of them said it was like saying you are dating your friend…). They also made one about friends with benefits (C'est mon choix - sex friend), and for them if you have this kind of relationship long enough you necessarily develop romantic feelings… It also showed difference between allo and aro in that kind of relationship. But I think most of them was alloromantic.
  10. I chose everything that is linked to fiction (movies, shows, books…) and information in certain days. I think representation is important in fiction because this is where most of people will hear about it. But I also think that give information is important because it is not the same way of speaking. LGBT Community often complain because sexual education is to straight, but we could also complain that it is too amatonormative. I would have love if someone told me it was possible to not feel romantic attraction when I was younger.
  11. I think society is very ambivalent when it comes to sex. In movies, everything is sexualized, and popularizes the idea that everybody thinks about it, in partiular males that can't live without masturbating or watching porno (I can name a lot of shows or movies with this idea). It is never questionned. And people think like that in real life : if you don't feel sexual attraction, you are seen as anormal, or ill, people refuse to believe you… Wanted to have sexx is seen as natural. But at the same time, sex without love is diabolized. A woman who does it is seen as a slut, and a guy plays with girls feelings or is afraid of a serious relationship. Think of all this movie where it says that women Don't respect themselves because of that, or where men keep doing it until they met THE woman who will "cure" them by making them fall in love… Society really judges this kind of behavior. And when it comes to sex friends, a lot of people think this is not possible because it is not possible to have sex multiple times with the same person without falling in love. And when it comes to alloromantic, they stop doing it when they enter a romantic relationship (which is logical as it would be seen as "cheating" by society, but shows that they only consider it as something to fill the lack of sex with romance, romance is prioritize by them). More, sex is always acceptable when linked to romance. Romantic love is supposed to make it better. If you truly love someone, sex will always be good. If you don't want to have sex with your romantic partner, he/she will question your romantic feelings for him/her. Sex and love are seen as complementary by most people. So I won't say that aro allo are priviledge. Sure sexual attraction is seen as something desirable and normal by society, but if you act on this sexual attraction without being in a romantic relationship, society will condemn you. This is the huge contradiction of society : it sexualizes everything, but at the same time if you have sex you are seen as a bad person.
  12. Not sure that it counts as Nothing is published (yet ) and anyway it's in French, but I do work on books where there is aromantic stuff. In one, I have a QPR (though none of the characters are aro (I Don't even know aromanticism existed at that time), I built their relationship on the idea that boys and girls can be friend and that friedship can be a bond as strong as romance; and it ended up that I describe them as "soulmates but not in a romantic way"). In another, I have an aroace character. I was sure for ace (he is even sex-repulsed), but not about aro because the guy is a sociopath and I didn't want to add to the "aro are psychopaths" stereotype. But at the same time, he will stop a bit his sociopath behavior, and I didn't want to add to the "love will make you a better person" stereotype. So after a lot of thoughts, I decided that I didn't have time for romance anyway and that aro is good. Anyway he is the best character. And in a story I have finished, I thought that if I ever write a sequel someday, I was wondering if my main character will be aromantic and allosexual. In particular as it is a book for children (for 10 years old and more), it could sensibilize to that question.
  13. I chose media too. I think the main problem of aromanticism is that people don't even know that we exist. And having to explain difference between aromanticism and asexuality everytime you come out is exhausting. Policy is important too, and it also benefit ro single people (never understood why married people have advantages). But I think anybody would listen if they're not aware of our existence. The same way, I think we would gain recognition in the LGBTQA+ community if we gain recognition in general. @Jot-Aro Kujo I'm with you with Riverdale. And I add to the liste the fans who refuse to recognize he's asexual and aro in the comics because "disinterest in girls was just the way to représente gay so he is gay ok?"
  14. Reminds me of a scene so confusing in Insatiable. The guy hated the person until the person confess (or, more exactly, kissed him in the middle of an argument) and suddenly they were dating. What? The famous "friendzone". I never understand how you could blame someone for not feeling the same way as you do? We can't control our feelings. And it's even worst when it's coupled with a plot like "try to date me, you'll see I'm right for you", and it worked. Just another case of "if the person said no, try harder until it become a yes".
  15. I think sometimes, love comes with idealization of the person : these people don't love the person, but rather what they see in him/her. And so they try to change him/her for who they want. That is not a very sane thing to do. Same. I hear it a lot in songs, and everytime I'm wondering why this is romantic and why people would like to belong to someone. I always thought it was super possessive. Let me guess : you were the bad influence, because you was trying to tell your friends how abusive the previous points were?
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