Jump to content

Leaderboard


Popular Content

Showing content with the highest reputation since 08/11/2019 in all areas

  1. 5 points
    'Hmm... Although I've never been in a QPR myself, so I can't really know what they feel like, I feel like there might be some insight to be gained in defining why I don't want a QPR. To me, I don't want a QPR because... I like to be my own boss. I very strongly dislike the idea of any sort of formally defined relationship- I can't be tied down to any one specific person (or multiple people, in the case of polyamory). Now you might think this makes me a very solitary person, but I'm not. I love my friends. I love having very close friends, I'm very committed to my friends, and I would absolutely love to live with friends someday. So what's the difference? Well... Friendships aren't formally defined. They just evolve naturally, and can change in nature without it being a big deal. I feel like once you're in a QPR, though, then you're In a Relationship, you know what I mean? You can't be in a QPR with someone unless one of you brings the idea up and you both agree to it, and then after that you're Partners, and you can't change that without like, announcing it you know. (Obviously all QPRs are different and not everyone uses the same terminology, so please forgive my generalizations.) With friends, you don't have to formally declare the nature of your relationship, and honestly you don't really have to do much of anything. Should you do things like keep in touch with your friends, make time specifically to spend with them, etc.? Sure, if that's the kind of friendship you have. But you're not obligated to. I am extremely committed to my friends and I like to go the extra mile to support them, have fun together, and make them feel appreciated, and I would absolutely never abandon my friends at the drop of a hat, but I like being secure in the knowledge that I'm doing it because it's what I want to do at any given moment in time. It's ok for friendships to change. You can be super ultra best friends with someone at one point in time, and maybe a few years down the line you two aren't nearly as close anymore, but you're still friends. That's ok! Friendships are loose and volatile and fluid, and that's what I like about them. Hell, even my best friend... I've known her since I was four years old. We're super close, go everywhere together, we'd totally be willing to live together indefinitely. But even with her, I know that should we ever grow less close, there's no need to formally declare it. And I like knowing that I don't have to consult her on any life decisions I make- I might do so anyway just because I value her opinion, and I certainly wouldn't up and move away without telling her, but I don't have to. I can do whatever I want with my own life. I'm not afraid of commitment, I just dislike obligation. Now of course, it's not like I can do everything my way forever. I know eventually things like roommates, etc. will become a factor in what I do. I also know that no two QPRs look alike, and not all may involve life partnership or a specific level of intimacy or anything like that. But in any case, to me, the thing that makes me feel like I wouldn't want a QPR- even if a theoretical QPR I could have might in all other ways seem identical to friendship- is the act of formally declaring a relationship status, as well as in general a sense of obligation to do things a certain way and share a level of involvement in each others' lifestyles.
  2. 4 points
    Hello everyone! This is the first time I created a topic here. My native language is not English, so there may be a lot of grammatical errors in my words. Please understand. At the same time, I am new here. If my vision is too narrow, please Everyone understands. I very much agree with AUREA that inappropriate dichotomies will have an impact on our community [https://www.aromanticism.org/news-feed/assumptions-and-dichotomies]. For example, some arguments about QPR. I think the relationship between people actually has a lot of diversity. If I consider the relationship between people, I will not only consider the sexual attraction between the two: romantic attraction, Plato attraction, friend attraction and other binary relationships. In my eyes, for the relationship between n people, not only the binary relationship, but also the ternary relationship, the quaternary relationship, and even the n-ary relationship (of course, there are simple empty relationship and unitary relationship). For example, a group of people who are friends between every two, does not mean that these people are a friendly group, and they may not play TOGETHER well. This also shows that multivariate relationship is not just the sum of some binary relationships. The multivariate relationship I will say next is generally not the sum of some binary relationship. Admittedly, there are many words in our language that describe binary relationships: friends, lovers, marriage, parenting, siblings, etc. There are relatively few words describing multivariate relationship: cooperation, group, polyamory, etc. It can be seen faintly that the tradition of attaching importance to binary relationship in culture is obvious. For example, in the sense of monogamy, most people say that relationship means Relationship Escalator [https://offescalator.com/what-escalator/] from friend to lover to marriage to family. However, mathematically, multivariate relationships are much more complex and complex than binary ones. Of course, for Polyamory [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Values_within_polyamory], this is just a kind of multivariate relationship. I want to say the multivariate relationship that I influenced a lot when I was young, it is completely Different from polyamory. When I was a child, I often lived in groups (or groups on the Internet, similar to the community, and many members were active). My childhood was living in such an atmosphere: Play Together. We attach more importance to the multivariate relationship of the group than we do to the relationship between the two. We value group relationships very much, so we often play together (not every time every member participates), so we WON'T BE ALONE. In the later years, the small group ended. The end of the small group has its own factors. But the most important factor is: As members grow up, they begin to pursue binary relationsship (especially monogamy Relationship Escalator). This tendency to pay too much attention to (and even to compete with) the binary relationship has greatly weakened the multivariate relationship. This tendency, in fact, can be said that Amatonormativity, is what I do not like. I admit that the mainstream of Amatonormativity and the emphasis on binary relationship, the neglect of multivariate relationship, make small groups no longer have a friendly atmosphere. Because of a person who attaches great importance to binary relationship and saturates in binary relationship, He It is very similar to people who behave and self-enclosed by the outside world. (Say an inappropriate chemical analogy: a stable molecule, behaving like a rare gas, making it difficult to form a large-scale chemical bond like metal.) I am really Disappointed with this. To be honest, I like the friendly atmosphere(I mean, Friendliness.) very much. I can even say that I prefer to make friends with people than to make friends with person. I think that multivariate relationship is more stable and freer than binary relationship. Yes, I love freedom very much. However, now, someone told me that you only have two choices: Either love, or be alone. I think this is unfair and unimaginable. After all, I have had a childhood, we rely on strong, friendly and multivariate relationship, everyone to play together, very free, not alone - very happy. Of course, not everyone likes strong multivariate relationships like me. Some people may be more eager for freedom, and some may be more eager for warmth. As the survey results for what aro really wants: Everyone Wants Something Different. [http://www.arocalypse.com/forums/topic/2295-what-do-aros-actually-want-in-terms-of-relationships/] But I never want to see that OUR CHOICE is limited to monogamy, limited to romantic relationships, limited to QPR, limited to self-enclosed. Either love, or be alone. This is a dichotomy. This is a false proposition. Relationship is diversity, just like a Relationship Space (Mathematical). Bertrand Russell said: Diversity Is Essential to Happiness.
  3. 4 points
    As a follow up to last year’s survey of the same name, I want to poke the aro community with a new, improved, expanded survey that is more inclusive. This time around, I have @Magni collaborating with me (huge thank you to zem for being an awesome research partner). Anyone who identifies with the aro community in some way, including grey and questioning people, is welcome to take this survey. Participating in this survey is, as always, completely optional. If you wish to stop participating at any time, you may do so, for any reason. This survey will ask you about your experiences with microaggressions, oppression, and stigmatization as an aro. Therefore, some of the questions may be distressing for you. You have every right to stop participating or to not participate at all if you are uncomfortable. If you are interested in participating, CLICK HERE. Feel free to boost this survey on other channels. If you do, please include the blurb above. Thank you for your time.
  4. 4 points
    Also "squad" and "community." Sympathies. And yeah, I think this is an important part of understanding what "amatonormativity" is -- not just the romantic/nonromantic distinction, but also thinking about individual relationships to the exclusion of group relationships. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
  5. 4 points
    That, or "they are two (or more when they try to be inclusive ) part of a one" Also, no one is perfect for anyone and i feel like this is dangerous to say so. Interresting. Friendships are different for everyone… not unlike other relationships. I feel like we have a tendency to forget about cultural context.
  6. 4 points
    I understand that feeling. For me, it tends to be a fear that they won't be as interested in spending time with me if they have a romantic partner, or that they'll be constantly talking about them/engaging in PDA around me (I'm romance repulsed). It's an unpleasant feeling to have, and obviously you should be careful not to be a dick about it, but it's important to know that it's normal and doesn't make you a bad person.
  7. 3 points
    So, we are discussing a lot about QPRS and squishes these days. And for what I read on different posts, some of us has difficulties to understand the difference between QPR and friendship, platonic and queerplatonic... And some of the definitions don't help (like the one that says it is more than friendship but less than romance... this is amatonormative and I don't see all this things on the same scale, but as different things so...). I think that what differs is the way people feel about their QPR, but not being in a QPR and not look in for it I can't be sure. So here's my questions to those who have been in one or want to : -what is the main difference between QPR and friendship? -are QPR linked to squishes? -when you have a squish, do you want a QPR or a platonic attraction (this one is because it seems that some people connect QPR and squishes, whereas some people don't)? -how do you define QPR in your case, or how do you want it to be if you don't have one? EDIT suggested by Mark : what is the main difference between a QPR and a romantic relationship?
  8. 3 points
    Although I knew, it is still difficult for me to understand (or actually, accept) people's tendency about binary relationship. Perhaps in my region, this is also related to the tendency of Jealous and Competition. Sometimes people should tend to cooperate, but they are more inclined to compete, even tend to Sorting out (Is this word appropriate?) their friends, to choose the best one. The tendency to sort is terrible. When people start jealousy with each other, friendliness becomes a distant dream. In addition, I don't think that human nature is competition rather than cooperation. This is more influenced by acquired culture and social atmosphere. In this society, perhaps in my region, the culture of competition is prevalent – so that partners or friendly relationships are treated as trophies that need to be competitive – and they are always competing to keep the binary relationship from breaking. On the contrary, the culture of cooperation, the culture of friendliness and group relationship is indeed scarce; although this may make more people happy, and make people more likely to get happiness. Inappropriately, I even think Amatonormativity is another kind of Selfishness... Sometimes, I even like to chat with only one person, because many people around me don't have a group atmosphere for chatting together. But I still prefer to chat in the group. I'm really glad to learn about your situation. And this is also a great encouragement to me for learning that my group relationship is not a special case!
  9. 3 points
    Actually, what were the less extreme ones?? I think having the full scope of what people identify as crushes would be helpful
  10. 3 points
    Oh for fuck's sake. The entire point is that a QPR is a label chosen by the people involved for a relationship that they feel, as Coyote said, "doesn't fit within societal norms". It's a label used by people who feel their relationship isn't adequately described by any other term available within their social and cultural environment. That is, there's no specific feeling or behaviour or commitment that makes a relationship a QPR; the idea that someone else can define your relationship as "queerplatonic" based on the nature of the relationship is perpetuating the exact amatonormative relationship hierarchy bullshit that the term was coined in opposition to! I personally flat-out refuse to use the term "queerplatonic" for any of my relationships, no matter how far beyond a "normal friendship" they go, because I refuse to accept society's limitations on what can be called a "friendship". The idea that someone might look at one of my friendships and tell me, "Hey, that's actually a QPR!" makes my skin crawl.
  11. 3 points
    I recall an article which ever quoted Brake. Whilst describing something which sounded virtually identical to a romantic relationship. It's likely that they don't. Also that the intended audience is other allos. For me it's the "half person" idea which makes me think "just no". It's important not to overlook that there is a cultural context involved in the QPR definition(s). Also that factors like social class, age, gender, race, religion, etc. can affect someone's cultural context as much as geography. I find this a rather dystopian removal of individuality and autonomy. Trying to turn humans into something like The Borg.
  12. 2 points
    Hey people! I'm currently trying to discover where I stand in this spectrum (I think I belong to the aro spectrum, but I'm still not a 100% sure), therefore I hope this community and you people's experience will help me understand my feelings better.
  13. 2 points
    I completely agree! Group relationships are a massively important part of my life, and I think it's helpful to lay out the distinction between binary and group relationships in this way. I spend a lot of effort actively maintaining connections to groups, and while I've never had a binary relationship I'm certainly not alone or lonely.
  14. 2 points
    yeah, platonic/queerplatonic is a squish. personally, when i have a squish + sexual attraction i call it an aro crush. 😄 i randomly said it once and just stuck with it. if it's just sexual attraction i don't call it anything, i just say he's hot or whatever. i believe 'crush' is usually romantic + sexual but could also be just romantic (like allo aces would use it, right?), but you can use whatever words you like.
  15. 2 points
    Yeah, i don't call it crush either, when i call it at all. Then again, platonic can mean a lot of things (sensual? friends ? qpr ? )
  16. 2 points
    But then it's a squish no? I won't use the word "crush" to talk about a non romantic attraction but I'm not an English native speaker. Anyway you can feel other types of attraction (sexual, sensual...) and still be aromantic.
  17. 2 points
    Where to begin… Well, i am sure someone already said something about it somewhere, but here i go. First of all, I have nothing against QPR's , or even the label itself. But I believe QPR's are not immune to amatonormativity. I feel like sometime , we present QPR's as "more than friends". Peoples say "well, i would never do that for a friend but i would for my QPP" and frankly? I hear the same thing… from alloros and their romantic crush. And of course, i heard some "well, we can still be in a relationship ! It don't have to be romantic ! " Some peoples call them their "platonic soulmate" . I don't like that soulmates thing, and i know a lot of aros don't either. I am not too angry about it, but i am not sur i am 100% comfortable with that word. I just saw someone say " soulmates can be platonic ! don't exclude us ! " and like.. please no... idk. We yell at allo aces for saying "we can love too" but… some aros are doing exactly the same thing. (not just for QPR's i noticed. Can be friendship or familly. We put someone's value in how and how much they can love and i am not sure i like it ) ------------ Also something i would like to discuss , a lot of aros are firm on saying that QPR are not friends , like, never ever. but i heard some aros say that sometime, friendship and QPR can overlap. To be honnest , i sometime have trouble seeing the difference between the two, but that's just my two cents as someone who never had a QPP. So i would like to ask peoples who know more about them. It make sense to me at least.
  18. 2 points
    Let's say I've got squishes veeery rarely, but when it happens - as me being a very possessive person, even of friends - I just feel this annoying jealousy towards them and don't want them to be in a romantic relationship with others, even if I know I can't (and don't want to) give them one with me, so I wonder if anybody here ever felt the same? And I mean only I don't want them to have girlfriends, not other friends. (ohmy this is so selfish, I know and I'm ashamed, but can't stop feel this way, lol)
  19. 2 points
    Just know you're not the only one. And you're not horrible for feeling this. It's a bit different for me, but i get what you mean. I feel it. Well, i don't hate that they're in a relationship, I hate that they consider me inferior to their crush. Being left behind, forgotten unless their crush is not around and i am the only one left… How could it leave me indifferent? It would probably be easier without romantic feelings in the way. But would it really? I don't know. But they don't owe me their life and time. So i don't act on my possessive feelings. But right now i will not deny i can feel them. (whoa , not sure of my english there but you i hope you understand what i mean )
  20. 2 points
    +1 to the anti-soulmates resistance. The idea of "soulmates" at this point is basically inextricable from the idea of predestined relationships, which... is just a bad outlook to have on relationships all around, no matter what kind. I'd really like to know how these people define "friendship." There isn't necessarily any difference -- they can be the same. "QPR" is just... more specific, or I guess, a more specific way of indicating how you think about the relationship/how it doesn't fit within societal norms. Different people live in different cultural contexts, so there can't be any hard and fast rules for what exactly that will entail. Oh geez, what?
  21. 2 points
    Yeah, Googling “queerplatonic relationship” gives me mostly articles like “X signs you’re in a queerplatonic relationship without even knowing”, which feels icky and amatonormative, but very little that criticizes amatonormativity and relationship hierarchies. Which makes me wonder, do the non aspecs writing these articles know that they’re harmful?
  22. 2 points
    Exactly! The boundaries of what a qpr is is totally up to the people involved. I know what kinds of relationships I'd really like to have in the future, but am I ever going to be able to find someone who won't leave me when they start a romantic partnership? It's tricky.
  23. 2 points
    I think I was in 4th or 5th grade when Titanic came out and all the girls were obsessed with it. My friends kept dragging me to see it while it was in theaters for way too long, and I remember all my friends talking about how it was so romantic that Jack gave up his spot (and life) on the floating wood to save Rose’s life. But I distinctly remember being mad at Rose and Jack because to me it was simple, that piece of wood was certainly big enough to keep them both moderately floating until help arrived. I thought Jack was stupid and Rose was selfish and uncaring. If they really loved each other in any sort of way, even platonically, they would have tried to do what was best for both of them. I realize now why my brain saw the problem in a logical way and not in the romantic light that my friends did. 🙃
  24. 1 point
    Just what it says on the tin! I figured I may as well post the link on here. Click here for the full post, where you can see a list of prompts and post links to your contributions in the comments! I will also accept submissions that are linked to on this thread, in case the comment section is giving people difficulties.
  25. 1 point
    For me, it wouldn't have to be a group where they're always doing awareness events or constantly supporting causes and charities. Granted, supporting and contributing to the community is always something to strive for but just having a place to go with the overall idea of being asexual and/or aromantic present is OK. I'm not too social when it comes to events where the individual person has to take it upon themselves to initiate conversation but knowing that there's a place to go, regardless if I'm going to do work or just exist, it would be nice to have the space in a way.
  26. 1 point
    I've seen a thread about aromantic symbols but not about aromantic culture in general. So, what are some things that are aromantic culture? So far I have: -arrows/archery -the green heart emoji -the color green -calling out people who ditch their friends to spend all their time with a romantic crush/partner -asking people what crushes feel like just in case this time it makes sense
  27. 1 point
    Hi, I've been lurking around in these forums ever since I found out about them, especially the introduction section, waiting nervously to post my introduction. I'm 22 years old and currently live with my parents, partner, and two cats. I discovered this site by clicking a link from an aro person I follow on social media. I had no idea forums like this existed before then, even though it makes sense that they would! Anyway, I don't know how much of this directly has to do with being on the aromantic spectrum, but I'll talk about a little bit of my history. I've always been disgusted by romance, both in front of me and in media. Plus I never really wanted a romantic relationship. I had "crushes," but the only thing I wanted was to be special to that person. (I never imagined having an actual relationship where we did stereotypical relationship things.) I didn't care about how that got across to me, and I was good with romantic gestures (sometimes) because they're known to be a way to express how much someone means to you. I didn't know I was on the aromantic spectrum until I got with my current partner and actually experienced a relationship. Plus, that's around the time I learned what aromantic even was. I still don't know if I'm aro and greyro (sometimes romance repulsed, sometimes romance neutral), but figuring that out is too stressful, so I'm going with greyro for now. I kind of think of my current relationship as a QPR/QPP because that describes a lot of how I feel, though it doesn't fit completely. As much as I like using labels, there won't always be labels that work for me I guess. Anyway, sorry about the rambling! Nice to meet everyone.
  28. 1 point
    Similarly, I think that Monogamy is not human nature, but cultural. So this situation is hopeful to change! Monogamy... I mean amatonormativity or the tendency about binary relationship.
  29. 1 point
  30. 1 point
    I would really hope that, if she sees you as a good mom, she isn't meaning "HAVE A CHILD RIGHT THIS MOMENT!!!"
  31. 1 point
    Some crush can be platonic, if you see them as such. (it can mean many things ). But how would i define it? Hum.. being attracted in any way to someone i guess? "crush" is usually used for romantic feelings that being said. I am not exactly sure what you mean by that. If you mean sexual attraction, yes. If you mean sensual attraction, also yes. (but again i don't know how many peoples call them "crush". ) Well, it's not necessarily related to romantic feelings anyway. But since you said you were new to this, i would understand if you don't quite see what i mean. (the different types of attraction ) Maybe this could help you ? http://www.arocalypse.com/index/ And this https://www.aromanticism.org/
  32. 1 point
    That sounds like my mum, just with kids. She insists I would be a great mum and everytime she meets one if my friends she asks if they're my SO and if I'm dating someone. I told her a couple of times I don't want kids but she's just like, you still have time and you'll change your mind eventually. Also I'm 20, like I'm in uni and don't have any free time so great idea to have a kid.
  33. 1 point
    I like weddings as a celebration and cause I get the opportunity to spend time with friends and relatives and make new one (both friends and relatives haha). My sister got married last year, it was fun and cool, no-one annoyed me with questions. I liked the preparation, helping to choose a dress, a bouquet, a cake. Btw, sorry for the offtopic, this thing was really helpful for me https://www.poptop.uk.com/blog/wedding-bouquet-ideas-what-to-choose/. So, I like all this fuss, but being a bride? No thanks.
  34. 1 point
    Yeah... Just… i know this is not fun to hear, but it don't just happen with romance. Sometime it's friend < other friend. But that's something else. "romance before friendship" is a huge problem because it's something that we are *taught* . It's supposed to be "normal" , "fair" and "natural". Not just because some peoples happen to like their crush better , but only because it's romance.
  35. 1 point
    When I read here online it seems everyone has different habits about how often they tell other people they are aromantic, and in what way. I personally almost never tell anyone, because I feel like the topic rarely come up. But lately I've been thinking about maybe bringing it up more often in casual conversations. Because it could help introduce people to the concept, and it would also make me more likely to find fellow aros. Do you ever take aro visibility into account when you decide who to come out to? Do you use the term aromantic? Or do you talk more in general terms about uninterested in romantic relationship.
  36. 1 point
    I recently came across a very romance-heavy song from my early childhood that I secretly disliked while everyone else loved it. Even after hearing this song for a bit and remembering quite vividly that I’d disliked it, it took me quite awhile to put all the pieces together
  37. 1 point
    Hello, I'm Rekkuza, and I hail from the Land of Bagged Milk AKA Canada. I'm a high school student and I'm French-Canadian. I'm AroAce. I think I always kinda knew, somehow. For as long as I can remember, I always had a profound disinterest in romantic and sexual relashionships. I never stressed about my lack of attraction. I guess I always thought to myself that it would happen one day, when I would be ready, which kinda helped accepting my orientation, I think. When I found out about asexuality and aromanticism, it just made sense. Like, "Oh, I'm aroace. Guess it explain why I never wanted to date. Oh well." So yeah, that wall of text is my story, nice to be here!
  38. 1 point
    I knew I was aromantic.I would dream about myself as a successful single person. Marriage Confuses me a lot. I never thought someone as a romantic partner. I would neglect anybodys romantic feelings for me. I would cringe a lot when a romantic scene would come up on a movie or show. I only want a doggo ._.
  39. 1 point
    The word to refer to people who's gender you know is they, Just trans person, or transgender person, transgendered is like calling someone a talled person. That's a woman, statistically; that person would use she/her pronouns. Her genitals dont affect which pronouns she uses. Singular they exists, use it. It's been around for a very long time and is actually a neutral pronoun, calling people e/em when they havent told you those are their pronouns is misgendering. Calling trans women e/em when they havent told you those are their pronouns is misgendering. Use they/them for anyone who's pronouns you don't know, or just dont use pronouns.
  40. 1 point
    @Coyote What I meant is that there are aromantics who don't realize it in society, and that for some of them, learning that aromanticism is a thing is the only thing that will get them out of feeling like they have something wrong with them and are alone in that way, and visibility is necessary for them to learn about it.
  41. 1 point
    I would like to say 'no-romo' in all it's many forms is aro culture. Also I argue that 'the friend zone' and it's dreaded enemy 'the romo zone' (and talking about them in those good and evil roles) are components of aro culture #noromo
  42. 1 point
    Wow. Just because you've never heard of something doesn't give you the right to deny its existence. Open up your minds, people!
  43. 1 point
    I don't really see the term "transgender pronouns" used? Like....many trans people don't use neopronouns. Neopronouns are basically any pronouns which haven't been regularly established in english, so not she, he, they, or it. Also, what pronouns people use isn't necessarily tied to their gender? People can use whichever pronouns they prefer, regardless of their gender identity. "neopronouns" is a term literally meaning "new pronouns", and while it's commonly used by nonbinary people, they're not named "nonbinary pronouns" because that would be unnecessarily restricting their use to specific gender identities.
  44. 1 point
    There's a difference between visability, awareness, acceptance and inclusion. One complication is that aromanticism does already have some visibility from the ace community. Leading to the idea that aro is a subset of ace.
  45. 1 point
    A bit, yeah, but I'm also not out to a lot of people as aromantic (it's mostly trusted friends). Sometimes I don't wanna say aromantic when I feel that this would receive more doubt that even "I don't want to date" does sometimes. I want to bring visibility to the orientation, but as always it's a choice between being true to yourself, talking to people on the level they're more likely to understand and not wanting to be doubted. This is before I read the link - but it seems impossible for me to gain acceptance without visibility...?? People need to *know* we exist before they can accept us. I think that the end goal is "acceptance", but it can't be done without visibility...?? Or do you mean to say that since "acceptance" is not clearly articulated as the end goal, our only goal is visibility?? (this may get an edit as I read the link) edit: nope, doesn't need an edit, except to add that: is the acceptance from the 5 people in the shadows better than visibility and other people who will find out about the orientation being able to find acceptance in orientation-specific communities...?? to me the second option is better tbh, bc the people who want to hate us will do it anyway.
  46. 1 point
    This is definitely not an exclusively aro experience - I don't know if you're familiar with the Nice Guy™ phenomenon but it's a problem that a lot of women find they have to deal with from a lot of men. There's a pervasive narrative in a lot of media - and it is a gendered narrative - that a man who is persistent enough will eventually win over a woman he's interested in. I do get where you're coming from with this. I'm highly extraverted and have had countless situations where what I've thought was a friendly interaction has been interpreted as sexual or romantic interest on my part. I'm also very bad at interpreting unspoken or indirect communication, so miss a lot of "signals" that other people apparently find obvious. When I was younger I used to worry a lot more about "leading people on" by being friendly towards them. I tried hard to do things like call people friends to make it clear that I wasn't interested in anything more that friendship - using tactics like the ones @Apathetic Echidna suggests above, and a whole lot of other tricks I'd developed. I found it utterly exhausting. And I got to a point where I was like, why should I have to do this? If people would just tell me when they're interested in something other than friendship, then I wouldn't have to do all this guessing or worrying. And from there I realised I was putting all this mental energy and effort into protecting the feelings of people who were not being open or honest about their intentions towards me. And I was like... fuck that. When it comes right down to it, someone else's unrequited feelings for me are not my problem. Of course I'll be sympathetic if someone wants more from me than I want from them - I'll give them whatever space they need to get over it, or to walk away entirely if they need to. But I have no patience for people who don't communicate their actual intentions. I shouldn't have to coddle grown adults who aren't honest with me. So my policy now is that I am as friendly as I damn well want to be, and until and unless someone tells me they want something other than friendship from me, I explicitly assume they don't. And I can't begin to describe how freeing I've found it to take this approach. Occasionally having to reject someone who actually does tell me they're romantically interested in me is a billion times easier than tiptoeing on eggshells in every new friendship, trying to find ways to casually warn them off just in case. Sorry that doesn't really answer your actual question @oak but for what it's worth that's my personal rant on the issue 😅
  47. 1 point
    If you're asking your friends what crushes are supposed to feel like If you're mis-identifying as bi or pan If you assume everyone is just exaggerating If you don't know how to flirt/don't know when someone's flirting with you If you assume people want romantic relationships because they're like Mega Friendships (I assumed this and was surprised to find out that there's some other element to it)
  48. 1 point
    I think if you're aware you don't see boys, or girls in 'that' way at the age you are, especially if many/all of your peers are getting crushes/going out with someone, I'd say it's a fair chance you are ace/aro. That's not to say it won't ever change in the future, as for some people sexuality/romantic attractions can be more fluid, and some people are 'late bloomers', but really only time will tell and it might never happen for you. I don't think you necessarily have to be a romantic/sexual person either, to experience other kinds of attraction such as sensual, aesthetic etc.
  49. 1 point
    By definition, cis people cannot experience gender dysphoria. That being said, not all dysphoria is gender related. Dysphoria is just a term used to describe a general dissatisfaction with life. That would mean that depression is a form of dysphoria. I think cis people could also experience body dysphoria, as long as it's not related to feeling like the wrong gender. There are probably some people who are unhappy with their body weight and this is independent of gender. I am unsure as to whether this body dysphoria can be inherent, or whether it is always due to societal pressures and expectations. But, my main point is that not all dysphoria is gender related, and certain mental illnesses can be classified as dysphoria, regardless of whether the person is cis or trans.
  50. 1 point
    Alternatively, assumed you were bi or pan because you felt equally towards all genders.
×
×
  • Create New...