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Showing content with the highest reputation since 01/22/2019 in all areas

  1. 8 points
    My school's library just put up a valentine's day display. I was really surprised (in a good way!) by what was on it. It was talking about the different kinds of loves, and how romantic love is not the only one! I was so excited to see it acknowledge this, instead of continuing to push an amatonormative message.
  2. 6 points
    I think this is a good point! I would also like to point out that up until about 150 years ago you didn't really get married for love, you either had an arranged marriage, you found someone you liked-ish that your parents also approved of, or you married the first guy that got you pregnant (sexual purity culture is actually a fairly new thing). The focus on marriage for romantic love only got popular during the Victorian era (1837-1901), which was notably also right around the time the industrial revolution started to taper off (1820-1840) and capitalism as we know it today started to really take hold. Correlation of course doesn't equal causation, but I would be shocked if industrilzation and the advent of modern capitalism didn't have any influence on our modern view of romance, just based on how close together they are on a timeline.
  3. 5 points
    This has been on my mind lately. Settle in. So basically, I'm very self-centred and very confident, and I love myself deeply. I'd like to distinguish myself from people with narcissistic personality disorder or tendencies, who actually rely heavily on other people to "prove" their "superiority"; they tend to be quite manipulative, sometimes abusive (though of course anyone can be). I know I'm great and I don't care what others think, just as I would hope they wouldn't need my opinion in order to feel good about themselves. Also, I don't think I'm better than everyone else, though I certainly continually strive to be a better version of myself. I'm simply focused on myself. Now let me distinguish this from selfishness and unkindness. I actually consider myself to be empathetic, compassionate, and generous (some of my many good qualities 😉) and I think that makes sense--I want everyone to have and do what's right for them and their happiness, as long as it's not hurting anyone. Surely I'll focus more on my own choices because, well, they're mine, and again, I would hope everyone would do the same. Now I'd like to talk about how others react to this. I can't think of a time when I didn't love myself; I've had few insecurities and those I had were due not to my own innate feelings but to other people projecting them onto me. For example, my mom used to pick on me for basically every quality I had which she didn't. My introversion, my disorganization, certain values, what have you. I was young and she convinced me I was wrong, that I needed to change or hide these things. It's clear that she's afraid of judgment, unpopularity, and nonconformity. I'm in fashion design and she asks me whether I like certain of her clothes, and I say "Not really (I very rarely admire anyone's outfit), but so what? I'm not wearing them. Most people probably don't like my style, but they're not wearing it, so do I care?" An ex-friend in high school said behind my back (as reported by another friend) that she thought I had "no fashion sense" and I was like "Ok? Right back at her, like, what's her point?" But while that didn't bother me, another reported comment did: that I "think I'm the shit". When I heard that--I hadn't realized I'd given that impression--my first instinct was to object, to find examples of things I disliked about myself to prove her wrong. Why? It's like, we're told to love ourselves, right, but, oh, not too much! Like when we actually do, we're shamed, criticized, labelled 'arrogant'. I now see that people like her are just insecure and jealous of others' self-confidence and so they try to bring them down , even if not directly--she was even too timid to say it to my face. Now, to the claim that I think I'm the shit, I would say "I sure do!" It's interesting, though, like when people put down their own appearance, one is expected to join in, but I won't, because I know I'm beautiful. Being unapologetic is revolutionary. We talked about this in my Philosophy of Beauty class today, how we're expected to be insecure, especially if we don't resemble beauty ideals. A fat woman can post a photo showing her body and people will applaud her "bravery," implying they wouldn't expect her to be comfortable doing that and she must be doing it to make some statement. Like nah, she's just having a good time at the beach, she knows she looks good, get over it. I actually contributed to the discussion, saying "I consider myself very confident, I think I'm very pretty, I've been called arrogant, I'm just calling it like I see it,"--one of the girls presenting said "I think you are too", but I kind of felt the energy in the room, which I interpreted as surprise that I would freely admit that, despite that we'd just seen two presentations touching on the rejection of aspiration to conformity to beauty standards ("we should accept our own beauty and individuality!") This is what I mean. It's one thing to love yourself; it's another to embrace your love for yourself. I've been in both positions and I can tell you this one is so much better. Now, you know I have to tie it in--I don't think this is because I'm aro but I do think it's relevant. I mean, I'm sure we've all had a moment (early on, I hope) when we worried about not loving someone, and I'm sure even and perhaps especially allos worry about others not loving them (romantically). We can include difficulty making friends in this list of concerns. And it occurred to me that this must lead many people to the conclusion that there will be no love in their life. And I thought, I'm so glad I know even if I have no one but myself, I'll always be giving and receiving love. And I also think (and I've said this on here) that the more you love yourself, the easier it is to share love. You can't pour from an empty cup, and if you have self-esteem issues you need a therapist, not a partner. I wondered what you guys have to say on this topic. Do you love yourself and embrace that love? Has your aromanticism influenced or been influenced by this? Other thoughts?
  4. 4 points
    From this "self help" book I'm reading. I thought other aro's might enjoy it.
  5. 4 points
    i might be going to a seminar on platonic affection and love languages! i just saw it on fb. in the description they didn't mention aromanticism but they did mention amatonormativity; it sounds cool.
  6. 4 points
    trust, yeah, i'd say i trust myself to do my best and to forgive myself when i think i could have been better. i don't know what's going to come my way, could be a low point with mental illness, could be a test of my character, could be failure, loss...and i may slip up or let myself down but at least i'm holding myself to my own standards instead of trying to impress others. if someone you loved was struggling with something difficult, you'd support them and believe in them, if they weren't getting through it very well, you'd be patient and gentle, and if they were, you'd be proud, right? treat yourself the same way. as to this, same thing. certainly one could ask "would you want to be friends with someone like yourself?" to which i'd answer "yes; i'm authentic, creative, easygoing, smart, fun, and ambitious, and i have cool interests." and that's part of it. side note: when you answer this question, essentially "what do you like about yourself?", if it's all ways you can serve others--i.e. "i'm generous, helpful, dependable, a good listener," etc.--or if that's what your friends say they like about you...just think about that. do you love others for what you can gain from them or for who they are? yes, it's important that you also ask "would you be friends with someone who treated you like you treat yourself?" my answer is "yes, as i treat myself with respect, devotion, care, and love." you know the phrase 'treat others how you want to be treated'? i would agree, don't get me wrong, but i would certainly add that you should also treat yourself how you want to be treated by others. because again, then even if others don't, you're still being treated that way. besides, adding to my earlier point about not being able to give love if you don't have it for yourself, i think it would then also be difficult to receive. like, if you don't have, say, respect for yourself, you don't believe you deserve it, how can you believe someone who contradicts you? you know, people who have no sense of self-worth are the easiest to take advantage of, especially if you don't even have to make them feel that way (because they already do). this is how you get people in unhealthy relationships--mostly romantic--thinking it's better than not being in one at all. i can't imagine depending on others for everything, feeling like if i don't get certain things out of them i have nothing. believing i am nothing. the more i think about this whole topic, the more vital it seems. to lack self-love is to do yourself a great disservice. maybe it's easier said than done, but do try.
  7. 4 points
    So I basically described feeling aromantic to my mom but didn't tell her I'm aromantic. I was like I wouldn't mind dating but I don't feel a need to I'm okay without dating and she was like yeah that makes sense but knowing her if I said I'm aromantic she would just tell me I have to wait for the right person and that I'm still young so it was an odd situation
  8. 4 points
    So this response is gonna go in the "other thoughts" category You were mentioning just how tied to physical appearance self-confidence is, and I've been thinking a lot lately about beauty and aromanticism so I guess I'd like to add something about that. I've always been pretty conventionally attractive for a feminine person. Skinny, hourglass figure, average height, well-defined eyebrows, and cheekbones, etc, this is to the point that many people have asked me to model for them. I am advertisement extra pretty so there have always been people in the media that look like me and as a result, I've never had a lot of body image issues (I have had some social dysphoria from other people perceiving me as feminine, but I feel like that's different). But! The one place where I have had a kind of dislike for my body is when it comes to romance. Straight men will often flirt with me simply because I'm conventionally attractive, people are often surprised to find out I don't have a romantic partner because I'm 'so pretty', and when I say I don't like to date people I'm often told that I "shouldn't think like that because I'm pretty" the assumption being that the only reason I wouldn't try to date people is thinking I'm ugly. Which ya know I don't. I don't think I'm ugly. I don't think I'm especially stunning to look at ether, but listen, I get asked out by people all the damn time (to often for comfort really) so I know there must be something about me that people find attractive. And weirdly that almost depletes my confidence? I never feel worse about how I look than when someone asks me out because I know they're seeing me as someone who is romantic and sexual and that's not who I am at all. I like my body, but sometimes I almost think it would be easier to not have a physical form so that no one could be attracted to me. And I know that's the opposite of how I'm supposed to feel. I know I'm supposed to take that attraction as a compliment and use it as a confidence booster, but honestly, I'm much more confident in myself when people just leave me the hell alone. I want to view my looks on my own terms, and I don't what to know what others think of those looks. I've always dressed very modestly, but in the last year or so I've made a point of wearing outfits that are not only modest but boxy and to big and it's done wonders for my confidence because people don't flirt with me as much anymore (and the people who do flirt with me now tend to be wlw who don't get creepy about it when I reject them). Dressing in a way that people find less attractive honestly makes me feel so much better about myself. I know that's weird, but ya know, whatever works.
  9. 4 points
    Definitely. Also, I couldn't get rid of the feeling that my "yearning" for romance IRL doesn't actually have an internal motivation / desire behind it. Now I know why and I'm able to see right through the conditioning and can spot personal reasons why I thought I'd need some sort of romantic relationship. It's all a hoax. I'm thankful for my experiences although some of them were really unpleasant. But I think you learn the most when it hurts. Interesting, it's similar for me. My mind became pretty much "partner fantasy free" which feels like I got rid of a burden. I feel way more relaxed since I admitted my repulsion and accepted my emotions. If I may say so, I find your fantasy of living together with a flatmate (and dogs) perfectly understandable. Especially since I kind of live your fantasy already; I share a big apartment with a close friend. Everyone has their own space but we usually spend much time together anyway. Honestly, I've never been happier with my housing situation. Another friend lives just down the street. So much for "lonely miserable single people". We need to find others who want to live the same way (which can be diffictult, I know).
  10. 4 points
    Ehhh certain kinds of media might try to pretend that everyone wants to be out there having as much sex as possible, with as little commitment as possible. But in reality that attitude is only really seen as acceptable within a very narrow demographic of society - namely straight young men. And even then, they're still seen as assholes if they just go around "using people" for sex. Older men who want sex without commitment are seen as immature and unable to "settle down" like a real adult. Women of all ages who want sex without commitment are seen as sluts. People in general who are show no interest in emotionally committing to a sexual partner are seen as being callous at best, broken or heartless at worst. I mean, I definitely do get people telling me they wish they could have sex without "catching feels", the way I can. And I have a great circle of friends who are completely accepting of the fact that I like sex but don't do commitment. But society as a whole is not always so accepting or understanding.
  11. 4 points
  12. 3 points
  13. 3 points
    Happy Valentines Day!!!! No matter who you are of how you celebrate it, I hope you all have a wonderful time doing what ever makes you happy ((((: I also wish I could send y'all some of the brownies I made for my friends <33 Throughout all my time on this site I have been met with nothing but kindness and never have I felt unwelcome. Whenever I come on and see a message in my inbox, reaction to something I post, etc I get a warm feeling and it truly makes my day. It makes me very happy to know that I can actually help people and make a difference in not only mine, but their lives as well. So, from the bottom of my heart, Thank You 💜💚💜💚💜💚💜 Dont be afraid to message me about anything (or if you just want to say hi!). You can message me ethier on here, twitter, or discord. Twitter: https://twitter.com/Krispy_Vessel Discord: Krispy Vessel#7756
  14. 3 points
    @Apathetic Echidna hey friend, I’m really sorry that you deal with a body issue that effects you in life that way, but I’m glad you’ve figured out how to enjoy your life more and start to slowly accept yourself. Keep living your own life wand do what you want to do, I truly admire the fact that you do this, you stand as a role model for all of us to do this ourselves, I want to learn how to do that! Thank you for sharing, stay strong 💚
  15. 3 points
    Anyone else yearn for ‘something more’, but a romantic relationship isn’t it? I’m pretty sure the reason I think these things and feel so distraught is because of all the romantic saturation in Western society. Ya’ll know what I’m talking about. All those ‘finding the one’ stories and giving everything up for your ‘one true love’. Those ‘I’m miserable but I found someone and now my life has meaning’. Those ‘friends to lovers’ stories. Soulmates. I was an avid shipper. It wasn’t until my online friends announced their dating status that I...broke? Not one, but TWO couples. Aiyaiyai. I was heartbroken. Because I thought they were going to ignore the group chat. Ignore me. Hell, I thought I was being invasive if I private messaged them. I just, didn’t know what to do. And I got so fed up with the shipping bulls*it. The romance. The soulmate AUs. The pairing up of every character and having the aro character happy to be alone and totally uninterested in being with anyone. Shipping. The thing that fueled me and made me fuzzy and happy now hurts and feels stupid. Like. I don’t want to be alone. I’ve realized, after coming out of my autistic head, that I actually like talking to people. I like having friends. Better yet, I love spending time with people I really like. Love chatting about interests or whatever. Small talk with those I care about and really like isn’t uncomfortable nor dumb. But realizing that a lot of people don’t want to get that close with their friends. Hell, what do I even want these days? Do I really want that intimacy I’ve read and seen so much about? Do I really want to be vulnerable with people I wholeheartedly trust? Then I wonder, what if someone reciprocated what I felt for them? Would I like that? Would I be put off? Would I want to go back to not knowing them that well? Or what if they want more of my time? More of my attention? I’ve never dated. Never been interested in that. I was too self-absorbed and in my own head back then to even understand people. So, I have no experience whatsoever. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. I just don’t know what I want with people. And even now I go in circles. I daydream and see myself with them, or with some faceless figure, doing all sorts of things. Romantic, platonic whatever. Point is we’re close. Really close. Then I snap back to reality and feel so...lost. Not disgusted, no. But...would they or anyone really want to be that close to me? I’ve read a lot of ‘found family’ stories. Stories where all the characters care for each other and try their hardest to be there for each other. They won’t sacrifice anything, but...they’re close. Relationships of all kinds take effort, I know that. You can’t control who people would rather spend their time with. I know all that. I think I’m going in circles now. Sorry. But it’s frustrating when I think about it. I really think it’s that amatonormativity. The strongest bond with ‘friends’ is nothing compared to ‘romantic partners’. Romance trumps all. This society I live in has too many restrictions with ‘friends’ and ‘partners’. It sucks. It really sucks. I hate amatonormativity. I’m not too concerned with finding a specific label for me. AroAce is fine. I’m fluctuating too much, and I’d really love to just be indifferent and move on. Agh. Anyone else struggling with these sorts of feelings? I figured my...solution is to write fanfics relating to these feelings. I’m a little scared my friends will read it and...know. But coming out seems scary. Especially because...what if they think I’m crushing on them when I’m not? Or they feel uncomfortable that I’d like to be a bit closer and they don’t want to? Ahh. Feelings. Relationships. Humans. Why it gotta be so complicated dammit.
  16. 3 points
    That's what I find repulsive about romance. It just makes no sense that anyone would want to be treated in such as way.
  17. 3 points
    Hi everyone I'm Z (he/him), I identify as a non-binary person, I've been out as trans for about 8 years now. I also figured/came out as ace about 9 years ago (before my gender, lol) though I've gone through a lot of doubt and strife since then. I spent a lot of time on Aven lol. And as of a month or two ago I put together the pieces that I'm Aromantic. And today/yesterday I figured out I have a high sensual drive, and I have a lot of Lushes/Swishes, and that's why figuring out people has been so hard. I've had a lot of ok, neutral, and bad relationships over the years and recently went through a pretty bad breakup because I've just always felt different and I thought one day I'd find the right person and it'd work out (it didn't). That's where the ace thing was hard because I could always tell I wanted to touch people but then overdo it and well that doesn't work out for me. I always thought I must experience romantic attraction until recently when I learned more about aromantic people, and realized all the things I found fault with romance was completely normal for aromantic people. I couldn't understand what I didn't experience. And now finally I'm able to accept fully I'm ace and aro, because I understand sex as much as romance, so I couldn't pretend to know one without the other. Idk I hope that makes sense. Anyways, that's all the long way of saying: I'm not new to being ace/queer, but I'm new to being aro and accepting the sensual part of me. I'm working on unpacking all that and learning to love myself through it. I'm also terrified of touching people because I basically traumatized myself for so long through sex. It's a long uphill battle, but I finally feel like I understand myself more. Ok, on the not real deep side, I have a beautiful cat, I knit socks, I do aerial yoga, and I'm in grad school and in my 20s. I'm specifically interested in finding stories/examples of people who figured out they were aroace after dating or aroaces and navigating really strong sensual attraction without shame. It's the academic in me lol. Thanks for reading all that, if you did. I look forward to seeing y'all in the forum!
  18. 3 points
    ok idk whether this has been mentioned but have you guys seen bojack horseman? there's an ace character and the representation is really good (in my allo opinion) and i was like, nice, but then! they said the word aromantic! boi, i paused that real quick and screamed. i wasn't expecting to hear that on tv in my lifetime. and they brought it up again in a later episode and it just made me so happy. also the show has some real talk about lots of stuff, i recommend it.
  19. 3 points
    Pretty much exactly this. Generally we have been conditioned by society to want certain things, so our minds keep throwing those things at us. But it is idealised in the mind, a perfect scenario.......the reality is never like that. Also, generally there are no aversions or repulsions in the mind as it will automatically shy away from stuff you would be really uncomfortable with. So your mind might be showing you something that in real life would make you feel trapped and nauseous. I have found that discovering my aversions and repulsion boundaries has really cut down on the partnered fantasies my mind has. Sure, I still want to live with someone because the alternative is worse for me, but my mind is more realistic and gives me fantasies of the perfect asexual flatmate and different breeds of dogs. Amatonormativity sucks but at least we can try to address any internalised issues we have with it.
  20. 3 points
    I know my aversions are mainly from romantic coding (or sexual coding and I'm not willing to do anything of a sexual nature with them). Sometimes my sense of love will get skewed and I will be repulsed by some platonic affectionate actions from individual people. Luckily I do know other people who have aversions, and they are very allo/allo people. One is touch averse, especially in public, she seems slightly more accepting in private, but only slightly. Another has a thing about her hands, she won't even high-5. As for why we are like this.......I have no clue. For some there might be some buried childhood trauma. Simply being forced to hug and kiss a decrepit elderly relative never met before can be horrifying to a small child - I know my disdain of washcloths is linked to a particularly bad visit to a nursing home when I was about 6. Really, one bad experience in formative years can leave the weirdest scars and influence attitudes in the future. It would be interesting to know how prevalent touch aversion is in the population and how it might correlate to different orientations
  21. 3 points
    Something to consider here is that arranged marriages still exist. Including places such as the Indian sub continent. Note that "someone you liked-ish that your parents also approved of" can fit the definition of "arranged marriage". I'm not sure that even within Britain, Europe, USA and Australasia romantic marriages were that common until the 20th century. With there being being a forced arranged marriage of Prince Charles in 1981. Something which also needs an explanation is the way in which marriage suddenly became very popular after the second world war, then declined again over the next 60 or so years. Even more oddly is that as marriage rates have been falling the hyping of marriage within popular culture has been increasing.
  22. 3 points
    I'm not sure if I can continue claiming to be apathetic any more. I keep finding things making me angry and I am having to work at being easy going. Of course I'm not getting angry at the big stuff like rape culture and global warming, I'm getting angry at stupid questions people ask me and amatonormative comments in media from the 1990s.
  23. 3 points
    I’ve noticed that the color green seems really appealing to me now lol. I wonder if it’s a subconscious thing because I’ve finally accepted my aro-ness.
  24. 3 points
    Being on this site has helped me. I didn't really need the information, I knew about the details of aromantacism. I was in denial though, I didn't want to be aromantic. Seeing all of these people proud of their identity helped me come to terms with it. I guess I'm hopping on the thanks for existing band wagon.
  25. 3 points
    Alternatively, assumed you were bi or pan because you felt equally towards all genders.