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Showing content with the highest reputation since 08/22/2018 in all areas

  1. 6 points
    Whew, you may not realize it, but you've stumbled into a hot topic. I haven't seen it discussed much on this forum, but I have seen it discussed on Tumblr. If I find any particularly relevant blog posts, I'll share them here. The short answer is no, you're not being over-sensitive. And yes, there are people who criticize us as a "lesser" or "less oppressed" orientation and ask us to speak less so that "more important" queer people can speak more. Those people are wrong and their attempts to silence us are a kind of anti-queer oppression, coming from queer people who should be supporting us. We call them exclusionists, because they want to exclude anyone who doesn't fit their narrow definitions of queer from queer communities. They also usually say "queer is a slur so don't say it" which is also wrong. Aromantic people belong in queer communities just as much as anyone else, and we deserve the support of queer communities just as much as anyone else. Aromantic is a queer identity. Regarding how your friends responded to you, yes, a lot of us have experienced that kind of thing. People who love us don't understand what aromantic is, so they just say nothing. No support, no criticism, no excitement, no questions, just nothing at all. It happens quite a lot. It's very frustrating. But it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't want to support you. You might need to have some more conversations about your experience of being aromantic, or maybe even outline ways they could show support for you. Maybe send them articles or blog posts that you might find particularly relevant. It sucks that we sometimes have to train our friends how to be good allies, but sometimes they really are willing to learn. Also, plenty of people can probably relate to your story. I know I can. I eventually left a friend group I'd been a part of for 10 years because of their utter silence regarding my identity when I came out as nonbinary. A lot of aro blogs on Tumblr frequently talk about how little support we get from other queer communities, so you can find plenty of solidarity there if that's what you want. We're here for you, and there are plenty of people here who will share your excitement about discovering your identity. Hopefully your friends will come around, too.
  2. 4 points
    I don't know the correct words for this, so please excuse any unintentionally offensive statements. I truly don't mean to offend anyone, and that's actually a huge part of my issue in this post!! I've had a small group of 3 close friends for 12+ years now. We all met through a common recreational activity, and stuck together. I made a big move away from our home town about 6 years ago. So it's the 3 of them back home and me out on my lonesome. We still keep in touch, but I always feel the strain. Anyways, less than a year before I moved away, one of my friends came out as lesbian. And not just that, but that she and another woman in our group started dating. Things went swimmingly and they are now happily married! They both ended up coming out well into adulthood, which undoubtedly has a unique set of challenges. The third of the bunch of us identifies as some "non-normative" orientation ... Truthfully, I've never asked her. It doesn't matter to me, we're friends because of who she is, not who she does or does not take to bed. I figured, if she wanted me to know, she would tell me. The bunch of us would joke that I was the "token heterosexual" (of course, me knowing that that didn't fit, but not fighting it because with the aro part of me, I come across as totally hetero). Anyways, fast forward half dozen years. The bunch of us keep in touch mainly through group messaging. When I told them what I had stumbles upon regarding aromanticism, excited that the descriptions and conversations seem to describe what I've been feeling my whole life, I got crickets. One of the three was interested, as she hadn't heard of the romantic spectrum either. But the other two ... Nothing. Sure, I could just ask them if I had offended them somehow, but where is the sadistic fun in that?! So I'm sitting here, worrying that my sharing is coming across as "me-too-ism". I mean, I'm not shouting from the rooftops, I've only shared online here and with them the one time. I don't even intend to make a deal out of anything, because honestly my finding the word "aromantic" changes nothing about my real life. I've been living as an aromantic without even knowing it for all of my adult life. But I was hoping my friends might share some of my private excitement. Long story super long ... What is the general feeling toward aromanticism from people of non-normative orientations?? Clearly, the more visible orientations have suffered hugely throughout history and have really set the stage for any discussion of the various spectrums that exist. So is something as relatively trivial as aromanticism viewed as bandwagoning? Or stealing thunder? Or am I just being over-sensitive? This is really bothering me. I'd love to hear any insights or experiences you may have had that might she'd some light!
  3. 4 points
    When I was growing up and starting to learn about romantic relationships, I hated the thought of getting to know someone and then eventually having to break up with them. That just sounded so sad and like a complete waste of time. What was the point if it is likely you will break up anyway? I guess that was an early sign that I prefer long-term close friendships and that I do not experience the romantic attraction people feel that "make it all worth it." Because if you think about it, without the romantic attraction component, romo relationships sound pretty miserable and pointless.
  4. 3 points
    (is this too long for a status update? I don't know where else to put my rant) Reallllly annoyed today because in one of my classes, we were told to do a project about a specific date related to social justice issues (it is a social justice class, after all) and so I was saying how I was thinking about doing either Asexuality Awareness Week or Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week (major step out of my comfort zone, literally the first time in my life I ever said the words "asexual" and "aromantic" out loud, very proud of myself). So the teacher listens in to my conversation, obviously means well, but then starts talking about asexuality as a mental illness (and aromanticism, too, I guess, but she obviously doesn't know much). And then some other dude in the class agreed (though I'm not convinced he heard right), and then my sort-of friend, (who is openly gay) says it's a mental illness too, and I was very upset. And then I mentioned that it's not considered a mental illness, I forget how they reacted to that, but it wasn't enough of a response that I was placated. Later I mentioned aromanticism to my sort-of friend, who was like, "Don't worry, you'll find someone," (seriously, dude, do you not understand what I'm saying?) to which I of course replied, "Screw you" (though in a sort of joking voice because I do that automatically so as to not horribly offend people; I honestly wish I had said that more offendedly so he would get the point). But I'm still annoyed, because everyone was 20 miles deep into misconceptions and misunderstandings, and it upsets me so much that people know so little.
  5. 3 points
    So I got this bold idea to email my favourite author, Jodi Picoult, to ask her if she would be willing to write an aromantic character in one of her future books. I got a maybe! Essentially she said if an aromantic character fits organically into the plot of one of her books she would consider it, but she wouldn't want to shoehorn one in just to make a statement. Which is totally fair. Anyway if this ever does happen it would be huge for us because not only is Jodi a master of her craft, she's also famous. Just wanted to share!
  6. 3 points
    Hi all, New here, physically and conceptually! I'm a mid-30s female, have always classified as heterosexual ... But practice, fantasy, and attraction don't necessarily align with simply that. I've always assumed that I would just be single forever, have never fantasized of marriage and a family, have not sought out dating relationships of any sort. With the couple of guys I've dated in the past, I've generally just wanted out and away from that awful claustrophobic anxious situation of being emotionally connected to someone. I've joked around saying I'm too jaded and cynical to believe in relationships. I've played the "I don't have time for relationships because I'm focused on my career" card. Close friends and family just know and accept that I won't be making any babies or bringing a significant other to occasions. 99% of the time, I am totally okay with this scenario. But that 1% of the time I ask myself what the heck is wrong (different? missing?) with me? Why don't I have that biological urge to couple up and fall in love and make babies? Why have I never planned my dream wedding or dreamed of a spouse or even just wanted to go on friggen' dates?! I mean, society says ppl date others and want love, so why don't I? (I am aware of the ridiculousness of that statement 😉.) Anyways, today is one of those 1% days so I started Googling. I knew asexual was a thing, so I started there. Some nice ppl over on the AVEN forum brought up this idea of a romance spectrum in addition to a sexuality spectrum. MIND BLOWN!! I mean, I really don't think I'm asexual. I like sex and sexy things. In terms of sexual attraction, I'd classify somewhere in the realm of pansexual. But the ability to separate sexuality and romantic relationships is a brand new concept to me! Along with "spinster", "not marriage material", and "voluntary old maid", I've also considered that maybe I'm a slut but just really really bad at it?? 🤣 Really, this potential of "aromantic" is SO much more appealing! So, all the boxes check nicely. I think this one fits. I'm still just hours into my discovery of this option, but so far, it feels good. Looking forward to chatting with you all and really figuring out if this is where I should be.
  7. 3 points
    If sexual orientation were a choice, everyone would choose to be straight because this would be the easiest way to avoid any kind of prejudice in this regard. #me1 #heteronormativity0 #checkmate
  8. 3 points
    YMBAI when somebody tries to explain the concept of "friendzone" to you, and you just don't understand what is their problem with that. It sounds amazing. It sounds idyllic, like something you always genuinely wanted. YMBAI romantic relationships seem like a temporary thing, and you don't get it how grown adults believe that they gonna last ⁓forever⁓.
  9. 3 points
    You might be aro if you mistook sexual, aesthetic or sensual attraction for a crush. You might be aro if you thought romantic feelings described by others must be exaggerated. You might be aro if you never notice when someone has a crush on you, unless someone points it out to you. You might be aro if you broke somebody's heart by accident, even without realizing it, simply because you underestimated the intensity of their feelings. You might be aro if you felt suffocated and overwhelmed in a romantic relationship. You might be aro if the pet names people gave to their partners, always felt artificial and ridiculous to you.
  10. 2 points
    I've always considered myself indifferent to romance. I'm not repulsed by it, but I'm also not "head-over-heels" for it. In regards to the media, it's like a hit or miss for me. I either like it or I don't. It's very much 50-50 for me. Some of it can be super annoying and cliche, and some that I think is actually done pretty well and I enjoy watching/reading it. Though, on a more personal note, I can say that this is one of the main reasons (if not the main reason) why I don't identify with any romantic orientation at all. It's not that I'm confused, but just so that I can be more honest with myself. Aromantic is actually the word that best describes me, however being romance indifferent made me worry that I wasn't "aromantic enough". I actually don't think I would mind being in a romantic relationship, though I don't really seek it out. I don't really care much for it and I really do think a QPR would be best for me. When it comes down to it, I just want that companionship. Since I'm indifferent to romance, I don't think I would mind giving it a chance and I don't see why not. Though what concerns me is that it probably wouldn't be the best relationship to have if someone is way more invested in a relationship than I am, when I just have this "go with the flow" attitude. I'd give it a chance, but I suspect it might be mostly one-side... and mostly likely not coming from my end... Yes, some may argue that this doesn't "invalidate" me, but really it's not for others that I choose not to identify with a romantic orientation. I choose so because, like I said, I just want to be more honest with myself and not worry if I'm "aromantic enough". Anyways, anybody indifferent to romance?
  11. 2 points
    Heya, I'm here on this forum because while I know I'm asexual, I've recently been toying around with the aro label as well- but am not certain for a number of reasons whether or not it fits. I didn't know that asexual/aromantic were labels that existed, much less were okay, until a good while after I was married. And as I learned more about it (and the discrepancies between how my husband thinks and how I do), I wondered if maybe that was where I fit, and I've been trying to figure out what I feel for my husband, vs how I feel about other people. To me it seems like... he is a friend, yes. (I'm picky about using the 'friend' term- I have anxiety and don't call someone a friend unless they are very close to me). He's a safety blanket of sorts (think the equivalent of holding a stuffed animal when you're young and upset). He's moral support, he puts up with me. So like... he is convenient and I like having him around? And we're mutually beneficial to each other, and I love him yes, but I love a lot of people? And I'm comfortable touching him (I'm not a touchy person, but I'm very comfy cuddling with him, or having sex when I'm in an okay mood), but I think that goes with his designation as "my person" which I'm not sure is really romantic or just... a designated role. But like to me, it makes sense that him having that role would allow for touch in our dynamic, and that with that in mind it's a natural escalation from the reactions I'd have to anyone else. (Someone looks excited about something, who is a friend or acquaintance, I smile and feel happy for them, for instance- but because of my husband's role and our comfiness with touch, I might go up and kiss him). Like... the phrases "in love" and "romance" make me think of, I dunno, corny dates and things you see on shows and in books, and this googly-eyed thing going on that I always thought was silly. And I always thought it was strange when people said love wasn't a choice. (I remember back in first or second grade when girls started talking about crushes, and they asked who I had a crush on, and I went "Hm well Zach is nice, I guess I have a crush on Zach" and kinda went with it, following the context of how other people seemed to get flustered about disclosing their crushes. And with my first boyfriend, I remember thinking "I could love him if I wanted to... but I don't really want to" so I didn't. And reflecting on various crushes I had over the years, well... I never thought about what I would do if I caught the person, I just sort of admired them.) But then, my anxiety goes "well, okay. So maybe you just have a more logical approach to things" or "maybe your lack of that same sort of sentimentality is due to anxiety" or "well let's be honest, your depression kinda keeps you from feeling passion for anything, so any perceived aromanticism could easily be a result of that" while on the other hand I'm thinking, "okay, but 'just' being x, y, or z with that result... might that be exactly a possible version of what aro is?" But just... ha. I dunno. I tend to get very intensely attached to people, but like... in a "yes good these are my children" or a familial sort of thing (as opposed to my actual family, who I don't have that same fondness for, because I didn't pick them). And because I didn't know aro was a thing until after heteronormativity took its course, well... haha. Here I am, 22, married, asexual as hell, wondering if I'm aromantic... pretty okay with how things turned out, but just trying to classify my emotions (true, I could mark them as irrelevant at this case, since I'm happy with my setup, but I'm also the sort of person, who, well, NEEDS to know) So basically I didn't know if I was on track or not, or if my anxiety was screwing with my perception or something, and wanted some insight from people who are sure of their aromantic-spec identities.
  12. 2 points
    I guess I'm the weird one who would be really honoured if my friend Googled it and did independent research and then used their new knowledge to ask me intelligent questions about my personal experiences... but yeah, it'd be a bit weird if they did that right next to me. On the other hand, I could see myself reacting like that in certain situations because I'm pretty weird too. I've told basically 3 people about my aro/ace-ness. One was super supportive right from the start, and actually knows another ace, so that's gone well (she's lesbian). One is doing his utmost to ignore it and I've sent him links and stuff and it's like he just doesn't want to learn more, like he's in some kind of denial (he's hetero). My third friend (also hetero) just kinda went like "ok, I'm a sexual and a romantic", but he has a tendency to have weird short responses involving playing with words, so I guess I didn't really expect much, lol.
  13. 2 points
    yes, this is definitely a hot topic even if it doesn't seem to be discussed all that much here. I think that is simply we are not really the ones who need to be unpicked, what we need is to get one of the silent ones to do an AMA or something! I sort of feel that sometimes the silence is them trying to be caring when their first gut reaction is something that would go on the aromantic bingo sheet. (Un)luckily for me one of my friend's reactions to me coming out was "I don't think that really exists" which means she didn't really care about my feelings in that moment, and I have had to re-evaluate our entire friendship (though her reaction wasn't really a surprise knowing the sort of sexist stuff she comes out with). However it can just be shock, such as the shock when you proclaim yourself to be part of a group (for example LGBT) then later find out there are whole other sections you have never heard about (for example: LGBTQIAP+). Which brings me to another friend's reaction to me coming out. I was sitting right next to her. right there. shoulders basically touching. and she goes "I'm going to google that". So me, a qualified aromantic card holder is ready and willing to engage in a Q&A session and she disappears into her phone to google my orientation. Like she needs independent knowledge from a blog so that we can have a conversation. Though.. all of this is my own supposition, my own conclusions from my friend's reactions. As I said before to really understand I think we need our friends to break their silence as to why they are silent. (Also my google friend still has not come round for a discussion with me as she is too wrapped up with her new boyfriend so I am definitely offended and hurt on that front)
  14. 2 points
    Some of my thoughts: Legal contracts of friendship Marriage comes with a lot of legal benefits and protection. I'm not gonna list it all because I'm sure it varies a lot from country to country (for example in the US a spouse has much more rights and obligations after a divorce than they do in Sweden). If a pair of friends were allowed similar rights it would be a protection for people who value strong friendship over romantic relationships. There could also be other types of rights for friendships, like the right to take time of work to care for a sick friend or for close friends to be considered immediate family in different situations. More inclusive child care Many people experience a drop in friendship after having children. The time and energy to take care of a newborn or toddler leaves little energy for other things. There are also societal expectations that parents (women especially) should put the needs of their child above everything else. But what if we could enlarge the view of caretakers to include more people? Maybe everyone could be allowed a few days a year of parental leave for friends. So if your best friend had a baby you could take some time to help them and bond with the child yourself. Also friends should be allowed to take sick leave for each others children. If someone has a really important day at work in their kid is sick a friend could step in and take a day of to help them out. To widen the circle of people seen as care taker of a child would lessen the burden on the parents and create stronger emotional bonds between friends. This could also help promote gender equality by taking pressure of women to always prioritize their child, and women are more often single parents which would benefit even more from extra help. I've focused primarily on legal aspects but of course there's tons of cultural aspects that could matter too. Like friendships being given more room in media. In what way do you think society could be improved to better accommodate strong and lasting friendships?
  15. 2 points
    Same thing happens when you say to someone “I’m aromantic.” They hear “I’m a romantic.” It’s actually a horrible label for a person because it’s always going to be heard incorrectly.
  16. 2 points
    I feel that just because I am Aromantic but allosexual people will think that all I care about is sex and that I’m only using people for just that.... they will probably write me off as some kind of ‘emotionless whore’ (I am a cis female) for having a sexual attraction to men rather than wanting a romantic relationship as ‘all women do is desire romance’
  17. 2 points
    Epigenetics fit the description almost perfectly. Romantic behavior has clear benefits to evolutionary fitness, but epigenetics don't always follow the patterns that basic genetics do. I'd stake my career as a biologist on the idea that there's a methyl group tacked onto the promoter sequence of some gene that codes for pair-forming behavior reward, and that's what makes our spectrum exist in the first place.
  18. 2 points
    I'm a huge shipper!! I can ship literally anything. Seriously, you should see my ship list, it's neverending. I spend all my free time reading fanfiction of all different ships. I'm not joking. This past month I've been jobless and I've done nothing but eat, sleep, and read fanfiction. It's unhealthy. I'm currently reading 13 fics right now. I love reading about two (or more!!!) people falling in love. I assume it's because I can't experience it myself, but really who knows the reason? It makes me happy tho so I don't question. Like, really happy. I get this warm feeling in my chest and I'm all smiles whenever I read it and I'd imagine this is what love feels like. I love love. B U T Even though I'm obsessed with shipping and I read fanfics all day, I HATE when ships become canon in the actual show/book/movie. Shipping should only be a fanon thing. I can't stand it when there's unnecessary romance in shows and books. Like, if I wanted to watch two people getting together, I'd watch a romance novel. And this isn't it. I'm here to watch people kick ass not drama and love triangles. And this is how ship wars happen and division in fandom. I'd rather no ship become canon (because the show's not about that) than having one win and make half the fandom upset. No matter how much I ship someone in fanon, I would never want to see them together in canon. Ever. It's happened a lot, and I feel it just ruins the ship. For example, I loved Emma and Hook from Once Upon a Time but once they actually got together, I grew tired of them. I started to hate the pairing. Part of the fun of shipping is the endless possibilities there are for your pair. There are many different ways they can meet and share their first kiss and all that stuff. Once you see it on screen/paper, it's final. It limits you. And sometimes no matter how budgeted your film or book is, your imagination will always be greater when seeing your pairing together. Sorry for the long post. I'm really passionate about shipping.
  19. 2 points
    I'm pretty sure most of us have tried at some point.. seeing as there are quite allot of us I'd say it doesn't work
  20. 2 points
    I play otome games all the time! There's ham and cheese galore for sure, but I get a lot of enjoyment out of the strategy behind choosing the right options to win a person's heart. I think it's really fun to go in a game with a ridiculous premise (just google "Shall We Date" games and you'll see-they're incredible lol), pick a guy from a group, and then acquire them. It's kinda like beating a dungeon in an adventure game, except it's a person. And it's fun to see how different dialogue/action options affect the different partner choices. Like for example the object of the "Jerk Type" storyline is to break down his emotional walls (my favorite because it's the most challenging imo), while the "Prince Type" usually responds well to the more stereotypically "feminine" (aka passive) dialogue options. And then of course there's the added nuance of choice in games where you can get many different endings. I played one once that had a bad ending (rejection), a wedding ending (aka the "sweet" ending), the steamy ending (which was basically the wedding ending but with sex), and the mediocre ending (the casual relationship ending). I can't speak for people who enjoy the opposite version of this genre of games, but reverse harem games and anime can be a lot of fun. Obviously I have no idea how romo folks feel when they play otome games but like I said the strategy and satisfaction of winning is fun. After a while you kinda understand the patterns of the types of characters, unlike in real life when people seeking romance are as mysterious as the darn sphinx.
  21. 2 points
    Mine actually told me something similar through the flower, but concerning me being sans-romantic partner (I'm not out to her) She told me an old friend of her's had a hard time finding someone, too. So as soon as she went to college, she started using something that was basically the predecessor of tinder to go and have casual sex with different guys. Now she's happily married and has children... It was honestly such a weird story, I just burst out laughing instead of getting angry at the "shag until you have children"-advice Thank you very much, mom! Though, on second thought, no, thank you very much, I'd rather not. I'd like to get neither children, nor partner, nor STDs, thank you kindly.
  22. 2 points
    If anyone ever discounts your aromantacism because of your age, point 'em in my direction. I'm 40. Yeah, older aros exist! We know our own minds and what works for us. We're strong enough to do what feels right to us despite all. of. gawddamn. society. pushing romance down our throats. Just the fact that we continue to be resolutely ourselves despite that relentless social pressure means that we're very strong. You mayn't always feel very strong, but you are.
  23. 2 points
    Yes hello random young aro-haters. Aromantic over the age of 20 here. We exist. (25. Wonder if I'm still too young to know? ) And yes, I definitely noticed the lack of crushes/romantic feelings when I was under 20, and maybe if i'd known aromanticism is a thing I'd have thought to identify as it then. (I doubt it though. I was scared to be 'wrong' as it was, and that was when I was 23!) Teenagers can definitely know, or at least question. They're not necessarily late bloomers just because they're young >_> In fact, I admire the aromantic/asexual teens for being sure enough of themselves at that age to identify and come out. With this whole 'too young' argument, I assume it's not easy! :\ Also: "Maybe you're just scared to fall in love and repressing it!"
  24. 2 points
    just thought of another few that really bother me: "but you're so emotional!" that has nothing to do with it "don't sell yourself short!" im not "if you keep that up, you'll never get [significant other of the ~opposite gender~]" thats the point
  25. 2 points
    If you have thought your squishes were crushes or have had to make up crushes to fit in.