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  1. 6 points
    Hi, I posted this on AVEN but didn't get much of a response so I thought I'd post it here... So, just wondering if anyone else had this: I put a lot of energy into my very limited number of friendships (I'm introverted and have a very small group of specifically chosen friends). I like spending tonnes of time with most of them, I'll go out for lunch with them, go to the movies, go to the local pool, talk to them until the early hours of the morning, etc But, they have/want relationships. One just broke up with his girlfriend and was trying to explain how that felt (me being aro and not getting the whole romance thing). He said like imagine if one of my closest friends started choosing someone else over me because I wasn't giving them all my attention/always showing my feelings for them. And I realised that that is kinda how I feel. Ok, I know that a romantic relationship/break-up is pretty different to this but, that is kinda how I feel alot of the time- like I'm not a high priority for some of my friends because in their lives they consider their romantic whatever more important. And I think it's fair enough, but platonic attraction is the strongest form of attraction I experience and like I said I choose all my friends carefully and pour time and energy into those relationships. And I've got one friend who generally puts me first (he's currently dating) but he has a crush on me, and I feel like that's why; and that as soon as he gets a girlfriend I'll just be pushed down the list again... I guess what I'm trying to ask is "is anyone else tired of always coming second because you're 'only friends'?"
  2. 6 points
    I used to think all my friends are crazy (I still do sometimes) about the things and behavior they'll deal with for the sake of romantic love. Or the the leaps and bounds they'd take to make someone like them; the changing of appearance, and behavior to win the romantic affection of another person. It always irritated me. people joke about "Dump him" culture, but I am always 100% serious.
  3. 6 points
    Hi everyone! I managed to be brave enough to talk to you! So for the presentation : I'm 18 years old, from France (my english might be terrible or very basic, sorry about that heheh) and I study Art History & Archeology, with hope that one day I'll be able to work in UK or in any North Europe country. I love movies, series, fantasy, BOOKS, CATS, writing and drawing my awkward characters. I'm a Hamilton trash and my sword goes to the Alliance. About aromantism. I discovered what it means maybe 2 years ago. Less than 1 year ago, I began to seriously think about it as a thing for me ; at that time I had a boyfriend (the first one and last one for now) and I quickly realized that that situation made me ill-at-ease. I'm still at the wondering phase but the more I think about it, the more I relate to aromantism. It includes many different feelings : sometimes I'll think « I'm so glad to be aro, that is perfect I'm so happy with myself » aaaaand sometimes it will be more like « my whole life will be a disaster, does aromantism even exist omg » and so yeah. The title says the truth : I've been looking for a community like this for MONTHS. When I'm really low for thinking about romantism, sexuality and stuff, all I wish is that I can talk to someone that feels the same. I came out to only one of my friends yet, he was very comprehensive but still, did not understand what « no romantic attraction and no need for it » meant. I'd love to chat with you about anything, and I hope to befriend! Please feel free to come and talk, ask questions about anything, or just make puns (that I probably won't understand due to language barrier)! <3 Thanks for reading!
  4. 5 points
    I may have to keep that as an example. okay so I'm definitely keeping it and also sending it to my parents because it's perfect
  5. 5 points
    I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I know how hard it is in this kind of situation, from both sides (in fact, I need to go apologize to someone right now for not being as present as I had been able to in the past). I think some of us aromantics especially feel the loss of friendship very strongly, since close friendship is the most intense kind of voluntary relationship we usually experience (I have a theory that some aromantics experience close friendship MORE intensely than allos, but no proof of this). I have lost friends who I thought wanted to always be there, because they got married or had babies or just decided that a close friendship was inappropriate, and it always feels like the way people describe a bad divorce. I still deeply miss some of them, years later. Nothing I can say will fix the pain you are feeling, but I can say that you aren't alone and there is a community of supportive people here. As for your friend, there's always the possibility that she really does want to be there for you and can't. I don't want to assume what her motivations are, but I've been in that position. As someone who suffers from bad depression and anxiety and has had other illnesses recently, I have had to end friendships just because I am too exhausted and ill to make the effort of communication. It's hard to explain how much my illnesses take out of me sometimes and how sick I feel. Sometimes I can't even get out of bed. Sometimes I'm so sick that I can't even decide what to eat. Just the effort of making that decision is insurmountable. I didn't want to withdraw from most of my friends, but I literally could not muster the energy to make the decisions required to carry a conversation. It's heartbreaking to be in either position, and the best I can do is go back and attempt to repair some of those friendships at times when I am not as ill. Regardless of her motivations or intentions, the pain you are feeling is real and present, and I hope you can recover from it. The best advice I can offer is don't run from your sadness, but also take care of yourself, even if you don't want to. Our needs for intimacy and companionship are real and valid, and the pain and grief we feel when we lose those things are real and valid, even if our experiences don't fit the mainstream.
  6. 4 points
    Being told that we are being special snowflakes and just making up a word to hide that we are ugly and no one wants us. #aromanticproblems
  7. 4 points
    Every time someone defines the word "love" as romantic feelings I die a little bit inside.
  8. 4 points
    i just go with "Nah- why have children when you can have puppies?!" "They stay cuter so much longer..."
  9. 4 points
    From my perspective, modern culture has some really messed up notions around the assumed shallowness and disposability of friendship vs. romantic relationships. Maybe part of the 'problem' is stemming from 'too much' security and comfort in the modern world? We don't actually need to depend upon friends for our survival in the ways we used to. For example, I can't imagine somebody having a similarly disposable relationship towards their hunting buddy (in primitive cultures) or war buddy (in modern ones) who had SAVED THEIR LIFE on multiple occasions. That would probably be a relationship deemed worthy of cherishing and preserving...
  10. 4 points
    I don't want kids because I don't want kids and no one is going convince me to have them anymore than I'll be persuaded to let someone murder me, which is almost as bad. I don't really really don't have a maternal bone in my body, I really don't like babies and with recently a family member having one it has only reassured it. There's far more and better things I can contribute to the world than add another to the surplus population anyway. If humanity wasn't so greedy, damaging and unsustainable then I'd be hard pressed to find such good excuses, but at the end of the day it's my DNA, my life and my choice. I might teach but that's about it.
  11. 4 points
    I don't really like kids, or enjoy being around young children. I just feel super awkward and have nothing to say to them. Outside of my family/close friends of my younger brothers, this has always been a theme where I never (willingly) socialized with kids more than a year younger than me - even as a 9-year old. I always got along better with older children, teens, or adults. I enjoy working with youth (12+ years) though, especially at-risk youth facing challenges. I volunteered this summer with them, and it was an incredible experience - a lot of really meaningful connections, and I learned so much from them. I think that if I were ever in a financially-secure/stable position, I would probably look into fostering/adopting an at-risk youth or teen, because they tend to be overlooked or just destroyed by the system. I do intend on having one child, as a surrogate for my best friend (basically a platonic life partner) whenever she decides she wants to have children. She has a lot of health problems, and is unable to conceive or safely have a child herself. I decided to be a surrogate for her back in high school, and have never wavered in this decision (though the whole pregnancy process is rather...icky). But in my mind, it has always been her child - even though it will undoubtedly be a part of my life as well (I think I'll be an okay aunt, even to young kids, haha). So I'm choosing to remain (mostly) childfree because I have other things that I would much prefer to do, and believe that I'll find more meaning in life outside of parenthood. Also, it's the most environmentally-friendly (if controversial) and sustainable lifestyle choice - and I like the planet.
  12. 4 points
    I want to come out. The unknowing arospec people in my backwards Appalachian home town deserve better than to be pigeonholed into marriage for the sake of social conformation. Until they have a place to feel safe exploring their own doubts and fears, along with the potential their unmarried futures hold, I won't stop wanting to come out. Lucky me, living at a University in California. I don't have much to fear from coming out as arospec, but not everyone around the world is so lucky. Innocent people get killed for rejecting romantic advances all the time. Until everyone has the right to say no, I'm not happy. We shouldn't have to hide on the internet to voice our complaints about alloromantic pressure. We have the power to make our own culture, if only we have people to share it with. My bottom line is this: We as a people need normalcy. We need to be seen as real and valid. For that to occur, we must first be seen. For us to be seen, we must come out.
  13. 4 points
    Nice to see something, but I'd just like to comment that I've seen many descriptions of aro as 'little to no romantic attraction' and I believe I've only ever seen ace defined as 'no sexual attraction'. It may be that since I'm not ace, I pay less attention to it, but it almost feels like they're making total aromanticism out to be less likely, as opposed to elsewhere on the spectrum. Idk, just something I noticed.
  14. 3 points
    Hey. So. You can call me Pho. This is all very new to me, as in I had an epiphany two days ago and have been having a minor crisis of identity since. I'm 26, and hadn't had a relationship since high school. This bothered me for a long time, because I thought a romantic relationship was something I wanted. However, when I've had the opportunity to enter relationships I've been pretty put-off by the idea and escaped asap. When I have crushes on people, I can never tell whether it's a legitimate crush or just lust. When a crush returns my feelings, I lose them immediately. But I agreed to a poly relationship with two men earlier this year, despite not having feelings for them. The further along the relationship goes, the more romance-repulsed I become despite them being exceptionally great people. It occurred to me that I am at my happiest and my most fulfilled when I have an intimate friendship with someone, and that that's probably what I ultimately want. A QPR sounds amazing to me. Looking back on the last decade and taking into account that I've likely been mislabelling lust + friendship as romantic feelings and not actually desiring a romantic relationship, I came to the realization I might be aro. Aside from this hot mess, I am heavily involved in the Leather community in my spare time. I live alone with my cat, I enjoy tea, get up to furry fandom shenanigans every now and then, like watching let's players despite not being a gamer myself, and would live off chicken fingers gladly.
  15. 3 points
    so i was with my roommate and our friend, and we were having some personal chats, asking questions and all that, and i asked them to describe romantic attraction. this was met with the same dissatisfying answer i've gotten from everyone i've asked: basically like a combination of "emotional" and "physical" attraction--what i know as 'platonic' and 'sexual', apparently--but stronger. i'm like, my dudes, you're not giving me anything new. you're saying it's different (from what i experience) but you're not describing anything different. i got so into this discussion that my friends started to get suspicious--all i'd said previously was that i didn't really date, wasn't very romantic, etc.--so i casually mentioned i'm aro. (this is how most of my comings-out go: i'm backed into a corner and it's easier just to do it. once my friend asked in a convo with his classmates "aren't you asexual?" so i had to clear that up--turned out one girl was actually questioning, herself; the other contributed the classic "that's how i felt before i met my bf".) anyway, my friend stated that he believed it was possible to be aromantic and agreed i was. i told him not everyone is so cool about it, and thanked him. the one uncool thing he'd said was the following, after i equated my love for my best friend to the sort he seemed to be describing: "i think you're romantically attracted to your friend." ohhhh man, like, do you not love your friends very much or something? i would do anything for her and i'll never get tired of her, therefore we've surpassed mere best-friendship? good god, man, we've known each other 13 years, what am i supposed to be--ambivalent? i cleared that one right up. anyway, if you guys have had any similar coming out experiences (or different), i'd be glad to hear them. my favourite is still when i told my good friend, after only my bf at the time and my parents (she's gay and told me early on, too) and she said excitedly "i can see that!" always a roll of the dice, isn't it?
  16. 3 points
    Yes, I'm very similar. I could write a 10,000 words essay of how I feel about the sex thing, but I'll just post an illustration here. Now, there's likely some yet undiscovered area of interplay betwixt romantic attraction and sexual attraction (why otherwise would we see such a strong correlation between those two? Where heterosexuality is present, you're going to find heteromanticism etc. …). Therefore: https://i.imgur.com/8nhiG8E.png 1. is “typical allo-allo”, 2. is one way to be aromantic-allosexual and 3. is like how I feel. If that makes sense. The strength and frequency of sexual attraction seems sufficiently strong (indeed on some occasions I experienced it quite strongly) for me to not qualify as greysexual, but still it's simply not a that important part of my life. This is not sour grapes, I feel the same regardless of how much sex I have. And yeah, my sex hormones fall in the reference range (long story how I got that extensive endocrinological test, but totally unrelated issue). Oh, the thread topic, of course… my romantic orientation is a waaaaaaay bigger part of my identity. Most other people's life revolves around people of their “preferred” gender(s) to an absolutely absurd degree. They seem so much more “passionate”, it simply beggars belief. I'm reminded about this literally every day. My aromanticism is noticeable for anyone who knows me, it's simply not hideable. With which sorts of people I have sex with and how often is pretty much hidden, nobody could infer that. If people talk about all their relationship stuff (oh, please change the topic) it easily gets embarrassing. I don't know if I have weird friends, but nope no “locker room talk” there, so I guess it wouldn't make a difference if I was an ace virgin.
  17. 3 points
    This is an interesting topic. I also realized I'm not out to many people as aro. I'm nonbinary trans, and I am out to a lot of people about that (but never coworkers, not until I have legal protections, which don't exist or are unenforceable in the US). I'm also very involved in a polyamory community, and I'm out to fewer people about that than I am about being trans, but more than I am about being aro. The only one of these three I'm out to my family for is being trans. My closest friend (who is very cishet allo and mono) reacted with the same sensitivity and kindness she always does, which is why she's my closest friend. But she really doesn't understand it. None of my friends, besides people I've met here, are aro, and it's lonely to feel like most the people I'm close to don't understand what I'm experiencing. Though, I guess for a lot of my relationships, being aro just isn't an issue that needs to be discussed. I'm not going to be intimate with them, and I either don't trust them to the point where I want to reveal those sorts of things, or talking about intimacy isn't a part of those relationships. But I think I would like to be out to more people than I am about being aro. I definitely think some people will be dismissive of it, more than were dismissive about me being nonbinary. Mostly though I just want our society to be more sensitive to the needs of aros, and not to devalue the kinds of relationships that aros thrive on. And it's really hard to talk about that in a meaningful way without being out about it. I guess what I want more than feeling comfortable being out is meaningful connection with people who validate or even celebrate my experience, whether it's similar or different compared to theirs. Add that to The Aro Agenda™.
  18. 3 points
    In A World Obsessed With Romance, Moses Sumney Is Happy Alone http://www.thefader.com/2017/09/04/moses-sumney-aromanticism-interview
  19. 3 points
    very short sharp and sweet, for an inner margin article it has quite concise definitions for a nice selection of labels. I do have to agree with @aro_elise though, it seems the variation of definition values between asexual and aromantic makes romantic attraction seem more intrinsic to the human condition than sexual attraction. Maybe it is because we do romantic coded things?
  20. 3 points
    I'd rather study abroad in Australia than get married. Oh wait... It'S HapPenInG
  21. 3 points
    I assume it would be much easier if the other person was arospec, it certainly would make physical intimacy and sex less less romantically threatening in a long term relationship. None of my friends have come out as arospec but some of them are seemingly indifferent to romantic partners for various reasons (one friend has been 'getting ready to move to Canada' for the past 8 years, so refuses to start relationships). These friends make a conscious choice to put friendships (and friendship attentiveness) and/or careers above romantic relationships for the moment, so I feel we understand each other quite well. None of us see a romantic partner as the best part, or even an integral aspect of living. These are the sorts of friends I would pick from to start a deeper relationship such as a QPR as I don't imagine a romance could change them too dramatically out of the limerence stage, even if that did mean most physical intimacy and sex were not options with them~ but then they wouldn't get jealous if I went off to get that casually elsewhere. Also maybe a good thing to note that for me basically a very close relationship is based on cohabitation, so it makes extra sense to live with friends. Living alone is basically not an option for me even though I enjoy solitude. Too much solitude during my wind-down time and I start going nuts. So it is good to know there is no possibility of romantic attraction developing when I have to spend so much delicate time with a person.
  22. 3 points
    I think that there is definitely a 'normal expectation' that you should hate or discontinue any kind of friendly relationship with an ex. In my opinion, it stems as a kind of 'cultural touchstone' - a relatable experience that is used as a joke in movies, or to bond with someone else 'Ugh, exes, amirite??'. So to some extent, I think there is some kind of social pressure to break all ties with an ex - even if it was an amicable breakup. I also think that many alloromantic people have strange beliefs about relationships, and they don't really know how to have them - they kinda just bumble around and read articles and search google for answers on how to be a better romantic person. If a relationship - even just a distant, friendly one is even the slightest bit toxic or unhealthy, then it should definitely be broken off. I do not have any contact with two of my exes for that reason (and unfriended a longish-term friend-with-benefits when our relationship got too weird and stressful). I am still friends with my most recent ex however, and I think that's primarily because we were very good friends before we started dating. Unfortunately, our platonic relationship will probably never be the way it once was, because too much has happened in the meantime. He is a /very/ romantic person, and I feel a need to keep some physical/emotional distance between us, because he has a tendency to slip back into romantic love at the slightest provocation, and any encouragement (no matter how platonically-intended) could really hurt him, and our friendship. I think it comes down to knowing your ex, and knowing if/when you become a toxic presence in their life (even if you don't mean to), and how to (gently) remove yourself from their life to avoid any harm. It sucks to not have that same closeness with someone, and it really sucks to have to pull away if its in their best interests (but contrary to your own feelings). But to me, this is way more preferable to actively remaining a painful presence in someone's life.
  23. 3 points
    Not really an aromantic moment, but something funny (and pretty gross) that strongly outlines the difference between alloro's and aro's: Was on the phone with my ex (still a friend), and he told me about how about three weeks after I moved out, he got sentimental over some hair he pulled out from the drain "because a part of you was still here". SENTIMENTALITY. OVER HAIR. I died laughing because that's just insane to me (but other alloro friends have admitted to having similar thoughts over equally crazy things). I guess it's an aromantic moment, because who gets sentimental and not grossed out over drain hair???
  24. 3 points
    Feeling alienated, isolated or being ill-treated in most places besides here. The first two might not be feasible to solve but people can help the latter.
  25. 3 points
    From a historical sociology perspective, conformity (to some extent) makes sense within the context of a close-knit social group. If you alienated yourself/the other group members by behaving inappropriately (defined as something not acceptable to the rest of the group), then you would certainly be putting yourself more at risk (and as humans are predominantly social creatures), and it was probably a tool used to bring harmony, or enforce social norms/order - conform or die, basically. It might not as useful today, but that hardwiring to conform is still there. The only problem is, that love/romance has become ingrained as a socio-cultural construct/norm - everyone 'needs' to do/experience it (even though it's not especially necessary). I think the biggest problem is that our society/culture has less room/demand for people who fall outside of the socio-cultural norm. Historically, close-knit social groups had a variety of roles that people could be in, not just pair-bonding/procreation, and all members were seen as of equal importance to the safety/culture of the group. Now there is a distinct pressure to do/have/want it all, and it's shoehorning people into roles to conform to societal expectations. It's interesting, but doesn't particularly make a lot of sense - I wonder what the 'inciting incident' for this socio-cultural shift was?
  26. 3 points
    Without considering that social isolation is often harmful to people's mental health. Including specific examples of physical contact such as kissing or hand holding. But an allo who will abandon friends for a (new) romantic interest or turn down a QPP with someone they have known for years, apparently, has no such issues. It's the idea that everyone who dosn't fit with social expectations must have somehow become that way. Related to this is pathologising minorities, even to the point of quack cures. With there being no such assumptions if someone is allo (or heterosexual, monogamous, cis, NT, etc.)
  27. 3 points
    @IceHurricane Note the presence of the word "just" in three of those points. Whenever I talk to people, I make a point of leaving it out. Nobody ever just wants something. Nobody ever just is something. People are far too complicated to box in like that. It's a word intended to compartmentalize the subject into something manageable and comprehensible to the user, often at the cost of any real meaning. "Just" is a tool used to create and implement the Straw Man Fallacy. It's a way of saying "that's all they are," or "that's all they do." Perhaps something like, "that's all you need to know about them." It is a tool to simplify the complicated, and for that it's often misused. Certainly not just in dismissing aromanticism. When someone tells you you're just afraid of commitment, keep that in mind. I'll actually admit I am afraid of commitment, but I am absolutely not JUST afraid of it. There's a whole other argument to be made about the use of the word "can't" but I feel it's less relevant here.
  28. 3 points
    Yes, I feel this way. Even my closest friends who know me well are still confused by my experience of intimacy and attraction. The conversions I've had with people on this forum have made that even more clear. It's doubly difficult for me since I'm nonbinary, too. I find it very difficult to develop intimate relationships, which is ironic, since I run a polyamory discussion group. But most people want romance and infatuation, things I can't provide. Like you, I value my solitude, but a life without intimacy is not satisfying, and friendships aren't enough when all my friends prioritize their romantic relationships over friendships. I haven't been intimate with anyone who is arospec, but I assume it would avoid a lot of the problems I usually encounter. But I'm sure there would be other issues. People are complicated. I've had a few long term intimate relationships, but they all ended for the same reasons. I'd like some sort of long term partner (cohabitation optional), but I still haven't met someone compatible.
  29. 3 points
    the three pillars of aro culture are puns, memes, and salt
  30. 3 points
    Hello everyone! My name is Sarah, and I'm a mid-twenties Canadian. I only really found out about aromanticism back in June, and though it struck a chord with me (especially the idea that romantic attraction was a spectrum and its own thing), I didn't really look into it until recently. Suddenly, my whole life (and past romantic/sexual relationships) makes a lot more sense! Although I experienced platonic love and deep emotional/intimate connections with past partners, I always felt like there was something missing, or that I wasn't able to 'give' them what they needed. For years, I attributed these feelings to my own insecurities and self-esteem issues - there were many layers, but I always felt like I was either 'not enough' or 'too much' for them. I felt deeply uncomfortable doing 'couple' type things, or being identified as someone's romantic partner (and always so, so much relief after ending a relationship but also guilt because if I loved that person then ???). I am also a very sexual person, so there were a lot of 'blurred lines' with sexual partners, which was (and can still be) very confusing for me (and them, lol) - because I would want to hang out and emotionally connect but platonically, and they would get freaked out because I was moving 'too fast' and they misinterpreted my interest as romantic. So it's very exciting for me to discover that there IS an aromantic community out there, and I'm looking forward to learning more about aro, myself, and getting to know you lovely people! Just briefly, because I could rattle on forever about all of the many aro-related epiphanies I've made about my life, I'm into: long-distance hiking, photography, books, canoe tripping, camping, cooking, and very, very dark chocolate.
  31. 3 points
    So many things I relate to in this thread! In hindsight, the biggest signs that I was aro for me were: - I got repulsed/fidgety when watching romantic scenes in movies - hardcore sex scenes were fine though. Now I just get bored/wander away or make snarky comments, lol. - When daydreaming about my 'adult' life, I always pictured myself single. Even if I made up a husband (yay hetero/amatonormativity), he was a faceless entity that was never featured and my daydreams revolved around daily life with my horses and dogs and cats. - Along those same lines, I could never imagine my wedding (and still can't tbh, even the most general details), outside of 'I guess I'll wear my mother's/grandmother's dress...???' - I always found the idea of living with my best friend to be far more exciting and fun-sounding than with a romantic-type partner. - I was primarily interested in the sexuality/physical nature of a 'crush' during high school - I wanted to make out and have a flirty friendship, not date. - If I read romance novels, it was for the sex scenes and friendships/secondary character development...to the endless frustration of my very-romantically-inclined best friend. 'Wasn't it cute when -' 'NO'.
  32. 3 points
    Does a plain green heart mean anything else? I figure it'd be a pretty good symbol, especially for its simplicity. Also, it dispels the idea that aromantic people are some kind of loveless abomination.
  33. 3 points
    pretty much what @Ice Queen has said. (I use a water depth metaphor for love though) Romance - An attraction that may or may not trigger limerance. It can by itself connect two people for a period of time but it usually has an expiry, another connection must be made for a couple to stay together. Generally romance seems to require high levels of contact to be maintained/fulfilled. Romantic attraction may grow into awareness or be spontaneous, maybe - I am iffy on this point because I never felt it. Love - A bond that can take many forms and be of many depths. Though it can grow quickly it is never spontaneous, even if it seems spontaneous it is likely you already had feelings for an abstract idea that prepared you for loving something (such as with pregnant women and their subsequent baby). Love begins shallow and can grow deeper over time or stall, creating a type of love hierarchy within your life. Different loves can deepen at different speeds depending on interpersonal actions and experiences either helping or hindering the love bond. Love generally doesn't require constant contact to be maintained, allowing disparate people to still be bonded with love.
  34. 3 points
    a relationship is the agreed upon interactions between two people, often involving some kind of closeness or privacy not available to those outside the relationship. (or more people, or people and organizations, or two or more organizations, etc) really the question is how do you establish a relationship, not what kind it'll be. I suppose having better language to categorize a relationship helps, but when it comes down to it the important thing is negotiating shared interests and any disagreements in a way that allows each one to be happy with continuing the relationship, especially if trust and care and communication and shared activities can be regularly enjoyed. as you can probably assume from my ridiculous choice of language and concept, I can't figure out how to establish a relationship either
  35. 3 points
    I normally swear as an exclamation (shit normally), but I use shiz, frig, and heck when talking to people. I wasn't sure which category the heck/frig/shiz sayings were. They're not the same as fudge and sugar, but they're still not real swears.
  36. 3 points
    Sometimes I feel like allos only like romantic coded stuff with friends as a substitute for having a romantic relationship. As soon as they have a romantic partner they don't "need it" anymore. But I'm not the best judge of this since I don't desire that much romantic stuff. The main thing I want from friendship is shared interests and I feel like I'm getting more picky with that as I grow older. Maybe it can be that one-self is less flexible too, not just other people. I think the best way to get good friendships is to look specifically for people who does not want standard romantic relationships.
  37. 3 points
    When somebody tries working their charm on you, hoping you will flirt and return said feelings, and you don't care or even notice what they're doing:
  38. 3 points
    Haha, its not like you come out once. Young closeted people tend to think you do it once, and that's it. That's not how it is. Its basically every time you meet a new person. You have to tell them, otherwise they assume you are straight. And its the same mild panic, even when you have done it a hundred times before. I'm out to my parents, siblings and some of my friends. But I'm not out at work for example. Its a decision I made rationally. Are these human connections long term? Do these people tend to be narrow minded? Do they have the power to ruin my life if they decide to do so? At an earlier point in my life, I was out to everyone, and it felt so liberating. I did not had to worry about accidentally outing myself, check my language in every situation. It also reduces the amount of heteronormativity and amatonormativity you face. People close to you stop asking you the "when you get a bf/gf/married" question. You can actually get to contribute to conversations, talk about your experiences. They would not try to set you up on a date with their single friend or cousin anymore. You can stop dodging the same topics, questions, situations. You can stop deleting sites like this from your browser history. I want to have honest conversations with my friends, my flat/housemates, my boss. I want them to know what can they expect from me. I'm trying to shape my life in a way that being out to everyone is possible. By surrounding myself with fellow queer people, all kinds. If I go to a job interview, I check the company's general attitude towards LGBTQ+ people. Do they have any obviously queer employees? Do they have obviously queer clients? If I go to a get a haircut or something similar done, I'd check if they have a small rainbow sticker on the shop window. It just saves me the uncomfortable questions, the weird looks...the stress. I want to weed out toxic people who do not accept me. Being in the closet is always uncertainty. How will they react? Are they trying to push these ideas on me because they don't know any better or because they cannot accept who I am? I will never know until I tell them. It is liberating to be out. You get to focus on important things. Like you know, actually living and doing the kind of stuff you love. I want to live my own life, not someone else's.
  39. 2 points
    It's all good, I know about the Appalachian Trail. And no way dude! Leave no trace - unless you straight up just go swimming, washing in water sources just contaminates the water for others. There's showers in towns though. I'm hoping to hike the PCT in a couple years actually.
  40. 2 points
    I talked to my friend about this. I basically thanked her for not being like most people and pushing me to the side once she got a boyfriend. It was a nice conversation. Deep. Heartfelt. We don't get too feely in our chats, so it was long overdue. She told me she'd never favour her boyfriend over me. I was there first, and even if I wasn't, both of us play a big role in her life. She makes sure to make time for all the people she's close to. I love my friend. <3 I wish everyone was like that. I'm sorry you guys have to deal with the feelings of being left out. No one should feel like that. Aro or no. @Mark I haven't heard of that before! It was an interesting read. I'll have to look into it a bit more. Too bad that isn't the norm.
  41. 2 points
    Very much so. I have no interest in being in a romantic relationship at all. Often I even find things like gossip about other people's romantic relationships entirely boring.. On the other hand I don't always want the purely platonic. Which it seems virtually everyone treats as the default alternative. Most definitely not with people whom I am sexually or sensually attracted to (with secondary attraction further complicating things). I wish there was an easy was to say "Nothing romantic. Just about everything else is open to negotiation and the possibility of changed minds."
  42. 2 points
    Yes, I am always tired of coming second to people who view their romantic relationships as more important than friendships. I think a lot of other people here feel similarly. It's frustrating and hurtful to be ignored and denied companionship because I don't participate in these weird cultural rituals and don't experience a very particular kind of attraction.
  43. 2 points
    Some reference: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singular_they https://www.npr.org/2016/01/13/462906419/everyone-uses-singular-they-whether-they-realize-it-or-not https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/singular-nonbinary-they
  44. 2 points
    PROSTRATE YOURSELVES BEFORE THE ALMIGHTY TEXT WALL Romance is a sensation produced by both evolutionary selection pressure and self-reinforcing social construction. This sensation rewards participants for selecting a specific mate (you don't actually have to literally mate to experience it though). Many people experience profound emotional connections to others, but romance is a specific flavor of connection that usually forms only during partner selection, and the maintenance of a relationship with that partner. People experiencing romantic attraction report a powerful urge to spend time in the presence of a specific other person. Certain bonding activities (often varying between cultures) become charged with romantic feeling by association. Such activities in European cultures might include (but are not limited to) hand-holding, kissing, and candlelit dinners at expensive restaurants. Other, more specific rituals may produce this emotion as well, especially depending on the individual. Romance's evolutionary function (note the absence of the word "purpose") is to keep parents together. This constant closeness (emotionally and physically) allows them to divide the labor of child-rearing, leading to greater reproductive success in the wild. The genetic and/or epigenetic operons responsible for the romantic trait have not been identified yet, but the reason for their existence is clear. However, evolution isn't some monolithic system that makes every member of a species behave according to some optimized model of success. Not everyone is born with the ability to express the romantic trait. That's where we aromantics come in. Different developmental and prenatal chemical factors may influence our ability to express the romantic genes most people carry from birth. Aromanticism is almost certainly not just genetic in origin, though genetic factors may play a role in its expression. Love? I haven't devoted as much effort to figuring out what that is since it isn't absent from my genome or epigenome. Have fun dissecting that one.
  45. 2 points
    How many aro allos would look at AVEN very deeply? Simply on the basis that they are self evidently not asexual It can seem at times that "Not all aros are aro ace" can more feed than bust that myth. Also times where an aro article is more of an aro ace article or about an aro ace person. Which gives a rather limited perspective on the whole thing. Not sure someone aro ace could offer much insight into matters such as non romantic sexual relationships or arophobia within straight and LGBT culture, Often perioriented people can have difficulty distinguishing what is down to their romantic orientation and what is down to their sexual orientation. Whilst this can be rather more obvious to someone who is varioriented. Also seem plenty which are primary about asexuality with an aromantic footnote. Worst there are medical professionals who with pathologise aros in exactly that kind of way A more subtle issue is aros believing they are "immature" or "not ready for a relationship". Effectively putting their personal lives on hold whilst waiting for "Cupid's arrow".
  46. 2 points
    Hmm, can't say I've come across any BL that I actually like, but I don't really know much besides the popular ones like junjou and sekai ichi. Anything you would recommend, @aro_elise? My rather obvious choice for today is Boku no Hero Academia. It's a battle shounen series about a school for heroes in a world where most people have "Quirks" aka superpowers. I like the character designs, the music is nice and it's was overall a alright experience, though I have to say I didn't enjoy it all the time. I don't really care to much about some characters and outright hate others and they completely ruin every scene they are in for me. I don't particular care for the story at this point and it has a rather generic feel to it at times. If you like battle shounen series and quirky characters though, I can really recommend this series and it is definitely worth a shot. (Second page, yay)
  47. 2 points
    Often without realising how hurtful this can be to aros. With it being likely that mutual friends will be "cheerleading" their new romantic relationship. Whilst seeing the ending of "just a (weird) friendship" as inconsequential. Easier said than done. People who want romantic relationships or purely platonic are quite obvious. With huge industries to help anyone looking for either of these two things. It's far from obvious where to even look for people even vaguely interested in anything else.
  48. 2 points
    as you don't like those mentioned things I guess stating that when you do get time together would probably be more important than actually coming out as aro. You can talk about acceptable and non-acceptable behaviours between friends very early in a friendship. This is just in case you don't really feel like coming out early on in the connection you are starting. .
  49. 2 points
    Found another one, Aromantic Decleor for women https://www.fragrantica.com/perfume/Decleor/Aromantic-3195.html .....for those time you just want to smell aromantic
  50. 2 points
    Okay, going off of @Blue Phoenix Ace's post: as someone who's lithromantic, I can say that figuring out what I really wanted in a romantic relationship was something that I struggled with for a long time. For awhile I did want a relationship. But it wasn't because of the romance. It was because of other things, like sex, social status, emotional intimacy, a desire to feel less lonely. And it took me a long time to realize this--I kept trying to rationalize away my feelings of intense paralyzation and disgust every time I got into a situation where I was expected to turn a friendship into a romantic relationship--paralyzation and disgust that kept happening, regardless of how much I loved the other person. Unlike you, I really wanted to get to know my crushes/potential romantic partners, so I ended up having to cut a lot of friendships short, because sometimes my crushes would like me back and then stop talking to me once they realized I didn't want to date them. For me, lithromanticism is very rooted in discomfort with two major parts of romance: the idea of having to actively show romantic reciprocation, and the idea of having to be the centre of someone's universe. I initially thought I felt uncomfortable due to insecurity, but I've overcome much of my insecurity over the past few years and the discomfort still persists--so I've come to the conclusion that I'm lithromantic. Like @Cassiopeia and @Blue Phoenix Ace have advised, I would also suggest examining the patterns and thought processes behind your past romantic attractions, before coming to a conclusion about which label best describes you. And one more thing: What do you mean by "maybe even autistic?" Maybe I misinterpreted your sentence, but to me, it seems like you're using "autistic" as a derogatory term? I know there are quite a few members on this site who are on the autism spectrum, and that might come off as hurtful to some of them, so if you could change the sentence to something potentially less hurtful, that would be great.
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