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  1. 4 points
    "Gold star" anything is an illegitimate concept anyway. It's disappointing, I know, when you're hoping to make a point by drawing a comparison to what you think is a shared point of reference, only to find out that the person you're talking to doesn't agree with you on that either. If you really want to have a discussion about this, we can do that, you're welcome to it, but preferably not here on this thread, because I really would like to discuss the actual topic here. Maybe it wouldn't make any difference, but you seem to be treating the attraction-basis-for-orientation model as some inherent natural truth as opposed to kind of a consequence of mere happenstance. In actuality, there's no particular hard "proof" supporting it besides just the fact that a lot of people either use it or talk about it at this point, but it wasn't always that way. There are two main things that I think are relevant here. Well, three, really. The first is that I'm understanding the history of the aromantic spectrum as basically drawing directly on the asexual spectrum, given the parallel terminology (correct me if I'm wrong here, folks). The asexual spectrum is a concept expressed by the AVEN triangle (with its white-to-black gradient), which was itself based on the Storms' model. In direct reference to the triangle, the term gray-a was first proposed in 2006. You'll notice that it isn't explicitly defined in terms of frequency of attraction -- it's introduced as a name for the "fuzziness" around the asexual part of the AVEN logo. And thirdly, "asexuality" itself, the basis of comparison for gray-asexuality, wasn't (and isn't) always defined on the basis of attraction, either. While it's certainly fine to use it for that, there's always been people using it to mean more than one sort of thing, from the beginning and throughout the community's history. Why approach it like this one model is more "right" than any other, when the reason it even gained this level of prominence at all is an artifact of older infighting + bureaucratic inertia? I'm not saying for sure it wouldn't, I just don't see why it would. The term has only been around since 2015, I basically never see it defined in a way that's not amatonormative, and there's nowhere near the widescale cultural weight around it compared to sex and romance, because it's way too niche for that. So what does that leave? Not necessarily. So romantically or sexually, specifically? And not including other "a-" stuff?
  2. 3 points
    Usually, I don't think about it but when I have a conversation with someone and e.g. they ask me if I'm single, I feel a bit weird every time. For the exact same reason as you; somehow implies I'm not complete on my own or that I'm alone (which isn't the case). Speaking of different languages, a German word for single is "ledig" (often used in offical documents). It just means being unmarried and I like that a bit more than single, although it's probably nitpicky .
  3. 2 points
    I have a lot of trouble with this too. I usually just say "I don't get crushes" or "I'm not really into romance". The second answer gets tricky though cus a lot of allo folks interpret that as not liking big romantic actions as apposed to not liking romance generally. I've also tried saying "I don't really date" but a lot of straight allo women in praticular interpret that more as me just being tired of dating men which like... idk there's a lot of assumptions to unpack there
  4. 2 points
    I am in the same boat as you Ruth! I too just recently started accepting myself as aromantic/asexual and I am slowly coming to terms with it. I struggle with self doubt every now and then but I become more content when I remind myself that I don't have to be in a relationship. I know personally that I wouldn't be happy in one anyway (regardless of what people/the media says) so why would I sacrifice my happiness in order to fit in? Struggling to overcome society's expectations is super difficult but it can be done with determination and by being patient with yourself! No matter what anyone says, friendships are just as valid and as strong and as romantic relationships, if not, in some cases, stronger. Still, if I find myself feeling down, I always feel better when I watch aromantic youtubers talk about their experiences or search for aro/ace memes🤣.
  5. 2 points
    relatable. my ideal relationship, besides purely platonic friendship, would be with a friend to whom i'm sexually attracted. i used to think that was a crush, too; since finding out that's not exactly the case, i've realized i've never had a crush. i definitely "felt kind of awkward" during the supposedly romantic relationship i had. take your time to identify however you want, but i'll say that you sound aro to me.
  6. 2 points
    Hi everyone, I joined this forum a couple weeks back, but I have only now gotten around to writing an introduction. I am 20 years old and from the Netherlands (who would have guessed from the title). About a year ago I discoverd the wonderful term 'aromantic' and ever since I have been trying to figure out what my specific identity is (I think lithro). Figuring out my identity has been a bumpy ride but hopefully this forum can help me become more confident in my orientation. I started thinking about being aromantic when I was asked on a date by a colleague. At first I was excited (I would finally also have a relationship like I'm supposed to), but after maybe 5 hours I started freaking out and everything in me did absolutely not want to go on that date. I did not go on the date in the end, which lead to a lot of awkward tension between me and my colleague and everyone feeling sorry for him. I felt like something was wrong with me and I vaguely remembered reading something about aromanticism on tumblr, so I looked that up and everything clicked. It was really great to discover that I am not alone and not broken. Looking back, all the clues where there but the term was missing. I have been blessed with a very understanding best friend who has supported me and listened to me, but as an alloro she does not really understand how I feel. I am really glad to know that I am not alone and I cannot wait to interact with people who understand me! Have a great day / evening / night 💚
  7. 2 points
    Not that you need to 'sell' your aromanticism to them, but maybe you could try making an anaology with sexual orientation? I've not been sexually attracted to a man so far, but I suppose I cannot absolutely rule out that my heterosexuality is "just a phase" (i.e. who's to say I don't see a man tomorrow and feel sexual attraction towards them). And yet, most people don't talk about sexual orientation in this way. So, why do it with romantic orientation? (or maybe your friends think that everyone is actually latently bisexual to some degree? at least that would be consistent of them!)
  8. 1 point
    Dude absolutely I'll get something tysm
  9. 1 point
    You're definitely not alone on this! I was in a QPR (or smth like that) involving sex so long ago. It was very confusing at first because it's thanks to him wanting something with me (when he said to me that he liked me it was in a very common way to start a romantic relationship and I think he was expecting one while me I was more like "I want something with u but idk what, help") that I instantly realized that I was definitely not allo lol. I told him about that right away and he has been really considerate and we ended up like that. I don't know if it will be helpful to you, because I don't feel like I would enjoy sex with people I don't trust and I'm not already friends (or close) with. However, I'm also sad to lose that and I'm afraid it will be hard to find someone like that again. I want an emotional closeness that can be very hard for an allo to give to someone they're not romantically involved with. If you're "just" interested in sex, I think that it will be easier to find though. I'm saying all this just to point out that: it's possible. You just have to be very clear about what you want from the start. Lots of people, surely some around you, are looking for casual relationships, it's just hard to know that they are if you don't have this kind of topic comes up in conversations (and bringing it up might be the hardest part honestly). You also have to be ready to let them go when they find a new romantic partner (at least if the relationship is only sexual). Tinder-like apps might be very bad for you if you take things too personaly. I never tried them but it seems like people tends to be very picky and not patient. You just have to keep that in mind and it should be alright. As for meeting someone, I think that past a certain amount of time (2 years is definitely enough), it should be totally safe. Plus, for at least the first time you can meet somewhere crowded like a café. Of course you have to stay cautious at first but it's not THAT dangerous given the circumstances. Also, meeting friends of friends is a really good idea. (and I'm French, sorry for the grammar)
  10. 1 point
    I consider myself romance favorable. I enjoy romance in fiction and I sometimes like hearing people talk about their relationships despite never wanting it for myself. I feel that in a weird, counter-intuitive way, my aromanticism makes me enjoy those things more because never experiencing romantic attraction myself causes me to be more curious about what it feels like, if that makes sense. Seems like that's just me though lol.
  11. 1 point
  12. 1 point
    Thank you everybody! My plan is to stop covering them next week (I'm out until Wednesday). But I almost forgot one important detail, which is my best friend. She was very affected by it when she found out, so I'm not sure if she'll be okay with seeing my scars all the time. I'll talk to her this weekend. I'll keep y'all posted on what happens if I do go through with it. Thanks for all the support! 💖
  13. 1 point
    I can't vote. My preferred interactions are a combination of as little as possible, one to one with several different people, and in several different groups.
  14. 1 point
    dan and phil are my absolute favourites; i'm a huge, longtime fan. i didn't list them since they only came out recently, as i'm sure you know--i'm super proud of them, by the way--but yeah, i love them so much. and i've seen a few of jessica's videos because her style is the same one in which i design (i'm a fashion design student).
  15. 1 point
    the only criterion for being aromantic is the lack of romantic attraction. that shouldn't be assumed to be related to other aspects of your personality or morality, because it's not those things; it's an orientation. personally, i care a lot about friendship, and i do get squishes, but i also have instances of purely sexual attraction--i have one right now--and i don't feel worse about it. i totally agree with much of what's been said by the other respondents. as long as you don't mistreat or deceive people, you're fine.
  16. 1 point
    Hi, welcome to the community. Congrats on figuring yourself out, questioning your identity is always difficult to deal with. I'm new here too, but I can say without a doubt that this is the best place to come for connections in the aspec community. Hope this place makes you feel at home
  17. 1 point
    I agree with all the posts said before. I'd greatly appreciate just a space where people can talk, make friends, and share their experiences with their identities. Like @Naegleria fowleri said, the social aspect of it like games, activities, and food would add to the feeling of welcome and belonging. I think what everyone is trying to say is that the specifics of what the group does isn't as important. Just the fact that a group like that exists would make so many people feel more at home and appreciated in their community, and I think that this is a great idea.
  18. 1 point
    Hi! Yeah I think it was 2016.
  19. 1 point
    Similarly, I think that Monogamy is not human nature, but cultural. So this situation is hopeful to change! Monogamy... I mean amatonormativity or the tendency about binary relationship.
  20. 1 point
    I like weddings as a celebration and cause I get the opportunity to spend time with friends and relatives and make new one (both friends and relatives haha). My sister got married last year, it was fun and cool, no-one annoyed me with questions. I liked the preparation, helping to choose a dress, a bouquet, a cake. Btw, sorry for the offtopic, this thing was really helpful for me https://www.poptop.uk.com/blog/wedding-bouquet-ideas-what-to-choose/. So, I like all this fuss, but being a bride? No thanks.
  21. 1 point
    I think that's a good aim. Also we shouldn't forget all the interactions humans can have without really there being any relationship. I really like interacting with strangers in some settings. It can be very rewarding and meaningful.
  22. 1 point
    I am not one, but i can be mistaken for one. And, well... we have a ton of insults directed at women in this context, sooo... i can believe it Well, i can agree ^^ ________ To be honest, its not a big part of my life, and peoples dont really bother me personnaly for it (because its not a subject i really talk about with peoples) I just... feel like... at best this is unsaid and you can pick-up the hints, at worst peoples are trash about it. Maybe i am just too sensitive.
  23. 1 point
    Thread title: What can we do besides wordsmith? Thread content: intense wordsmithing "Queerplatonicnormativity" is exactly what the Tumblr posts you linked to at the start of this thread were complaining about, and fighting that norm within our communities is exactly what they were suggesting. When arotaro says, "That 'default' is so overpowering that those of us who do not fit into this description often feel excluded from the aro community," they're talking about the 'default' assumption that all aros want a QPR, or some kind of committed partnership. An example: an old friend of mine was in a really, really bad mental space and I told him "I love you" because I knew he needed to hear it. I then hopped onto Discord to vent about how saying "I love you" had made me really uncomfortable, and got a response along the lines of, "Baby steps are fine! You do you, as long as he's fine with taking it slow too." And I had to explain that we weren't "taking it" anywhere, that I was not remotely interested in a relationship with this guy (or anyone else). In my experience the extent to which this "default" exists varies among community spaces, but in every aro and aspec space I've been in, at least once people have assumed I want or would be interested in a QPR. I tend to spend less time in the spaces where that assumption is more prevalent, largely because I find discussion of QPRs and seeking and maintaining them equally as off-putting as discussion of romantic relationships. So I guess that's a manifestation of what arotaro was complaining about: I feel somewhat excluded by those community spaces. I don't think that having an agreed-upon label for those of us who really aren't interested in any kind of partnership or committed relationship, seriously is the best way to solve that problem. Not least because of the issues the links in the OP describe about coming up with such a term. An example of something that has been helpful is the Arocalypse Discord explicitly segregating off channels for "Romo-talk" (discussions of romance-coded things) and "Nonromo-love" (discussions of queerplatonic and other non-romantic relationships), to minimise the prevalence of those topics in general channels. Other things that would help of course include more visibility and discussion of the experiences of those of us who are very, very happy to be single and stay that way forever.
  24. 1 point
    Interresting. It look like anxiety to me 😅 (also, sometime i get those "butterflies" . When i feel… things ? Sometime it happen and sometime it don't, i don't know how to explain. It can be fear , or happiness, or wonder. It's not always related to someone )
  25. 1 point
    You might be aro if you spend years thinking 'im not ready for a relationship' and aren't sure of the reason why.
  26. 1 point
    Ideal relationship: A friendship with sensual and emotional "benefits" that places more emphasis on connection than time spent together ( I need personal space). Not sure if that would count as a qpr? Haha Most of the time I want as little interaction with others as possible though . I love spending the majority of my time alone
  27. 1 point
    I do think it's possible to be influenced to becoming aro or something else, but I also think it's possible to be born that way, 'cause we live in a society where is given so-very-much importance to romantic love, we're surrounded by romantic love stuff, so much that I myself tried to fit in for a long time, before discovering that being like me could be a thing and also has a name. So yeah, I put "born aro" 'cause I've always lived romantic love in the same conflictual way, I don't remember a time when it was different.
  28. 1 point
    I find really annoying that when I tell people that I’ve never been in a relationship and never will be they look at me with pity and tell me I’ll find someone some day. Even when I try to explain that no I won’t because I don’t like people romantically they don’t listen and say that there is someone for everyone. No one wants to believe me that I’m fine not ever having a romantic relationship.
  29. 1 point
    tbh some people will even think that if you do come out. like they can't accept that you're not romantically and/or sexually attracted to anyone; they think you're hiding or repressing that attraction, whatever gender(s) they think it's towards. like i told a friend my orientation and we were talking about platonic relationships and i talked about my best friend and he said "i think you love her romantically". he thought it was more likely that i'm heterosexual and homoromantic than het aro. not that that's not a possible combination, but it's not common, and more importantly, i'd told him my orientation and my platonic feelings for my friend! another friend thought that since i'm virgin i must be gay or religious (i am that, but that's not the reason). others assume my lgbt+ community involvement/allyship must mean i'm gay or bi. and of course pretty much everyone who detects any indication of my heterosexuality assumes i'm also heteroromantic, though probably unconsciously. all this to say, it kinda sucks, but it just be like that. like the others said here, you can tell people your orientation or not, that's your choice, but either way they can make assumptions you might not be able to change. just like, try to associate with people who don't make you uncomfortable and remember that what you know is more important than what others think.
  30. 1 point
    We're all just a bunch of Care Bears.
  31. 1 point
    Why not tell them the truth? If people assuming your sexuality or pretending to be straight makes you uncomfortable, it seems the right thing to do. That's not easy, in particular if they don't know about aro and ace, but in the end it will make you feel better. Because even if people don't believe you, at least you will be true to yourself.
  32. 1 point
    I feel like "more than friendship" isn't a good choice of words... "Different from friendship" or "More emotionally intense than friendship" would be fair, but I dislike the term "more than friendship" in general because it conveys the sense that friendship is inherently beneath other forms of relationships. That's not cool. I can't imagine anyone loving anything more than I love my friends! That being said, could what you're experiencing possibly be a squish? If so, you're definitely not the only person who experiences stuff like that
  33. 1 point
    Amatonormativity comes up so often in English class, and I'm the only person who notices. I've never brought it up because I don't want to be the one to say "this passage that no one's talked about yet has some subtle but damaging rhetoric that shows up a lot in society", because I'd probably then have to talk about how it hurts me to a class of skeptical alloros, only to have my interpretation be dismissed. I tried bringing up a particular passage of blatantly arophobic rhetoric with a friend once, but he somehow got it in his head that the book was all about how love is bad and wouldn't listen as I explained that no, the book talked about how essential love is to humanity and emotional maturity. Eventually he apologized, but only after I made it clear how he had hurt me, and even then he didn't totally get it.
  34. 1 point
    I was about 18 when I started identifying as aromantic, but I knew I was different from everyone else in regards to orientation by the time I was 10 or so. I just never knew being aromantic was an option. I thought something was just wrong with me.
  35. 1 point
    Hello guys. Nice to meet you all! I get so distressed even when SOMEONE ASSUMES I might like someone, or if that someone likes me in the romantic manner. I can’t even explain what exactly upsets me. It is just something I can’t imagine myself to do or enjoy. And when someone else inserts me in a fantasy like this it irks me. I hope you guys understand the feeling, I tried my best to explain it. Does anybody else feel that way?
  36. 1 point
    As much as I think we need more visibility, I don't think anyone should feel like they have to come out to promote the visibility of their orientation. It wouldn't be a bad reason, but I don't want anyone to feel pressured to come out, for any reason. That being said, I'm out to most of my friends, and some of my acquaintances and I won't lie, the reason I tend to be so out while at school in particular is in part because I'm an education major and my classmates really need to know this stuff. They rarely know anything about my sexual and romantic orientations especially, and I figure if they're going to be aphobic, they might as well do it to someone like me who can tell them why they need to stop, and not to one of their future students.
  37. 1 point
    I deeply love certain kinds of romance stories. Think John Green, Sarah Dessen. I would also consider marriage.
  38. 1 point
    I seriously had no idea there were so many romantic orientations. And I read through the topic about what romantic attraction is, definitely helped a little. That sentence of you gave me a good chunk to think about. I can say I always told myself to "be in love" but it makes sense you wouldn't need to do that if you had these feelings for real. I tried to convince myself I feel something besides platonic attraction and sympathy. Romantic love seems stronger to many people, like an obsession over a person. And it helped me to read that romantic love is more egoistical, like you wanna have someone only to yourself. It's rather alien to me but I somehow get it. You helped me to get a clearer picture of my emotions, thank you!
  39. 1 point
    On surveys like these I always put atheist or non religious, because that's what I am. It always feels a little bit weird though since my family is conservative Christian, and I go to a Baptist private school. I've been an atheist for about a year and no one knows that so I still have to go to church and all of that. So when I answer these kind of questions, I wonder if I should answer what I really believe or what I practice, if that makes sense. Oh well, it won't be an issue for much longer. I move out in August.
  40. 1 point
    currently listening to dance,dance by fall out boy
  41. 1 point
    ......wait what. right we can add that to the list of songs my younger self wildly misinterpreted due to aromanticism then.
  42. 1 point
    @IceHurricane Note the presence of the word "just" in three of those points. Whenever I talk to people, I make a point of leaving it out. Nobody ever just wants something. Nobody ever just is something. People are far too complicated to box in like that. It's a word intended to compartmentalize the subject into something manageable and comprehensible to the user, often at the cost of any real meaning. "Just" is a tool used to create and implement the Straw Man Fallacy. It's a way of saying "that's all they are," or "that's all they do." Perhaps something like, "that's all you need to know about them." It is a tool to simplify the complicated, and for that it's often misused. Certainly not just in dismissing aromanticism. When someone tells you you're just afraid of commitment, keep that in mind. I'll actually admit I am afraid of commitment, but I am absolutely not JUST afraid of it. There's a whole other argument to be made about the use of the word "can't" but I feel it's less relevant here.
  43. 1 point
    I don't think I'd give any advice. Just explain to them what aromanticism entails and perhaps help them reflect over what they'd want from a date/relationship with that person.
  44. 1 point
    I had no issues at the pride parade in my town. In fact, they were selling flags for different orientations, and they had the asexual flag on offer. I've only ever seen "are aces queer?" be an issue online. Offline, everyone who knows asexuality even exists as a label considers it part of LGBT. Haven't discussed romantic orientation offline with anyone outside my family, though, so I don't know what the attitudes are. I don't recall any mention of romantic orientation at pride.
  45. 1 point
    One specific person i told about my aromanticism just flat out didn't believe that it was real, telling me that everyone has to experience romantic love .
  46. 1 point
    YMBAI you assign yourself crushes because everyone else seems to have them. YMBAI when you start dating your best friend and your relationship is indistinguishable from how it was before.
  47. 1 point
    Romantic love and romantic relationships are socially constructed and as such what defines a romantic relationship is going to be dependent on the culture and even more finely defined by the individual. I've seen at least one study that shows 'passionate love' having a different effects on the brain, releasing different levels of hormones than familial love, but that study assumed sexual attraction to be a definitive part of romantic love and obviously didn't take asexuality into account much less aromantic allosexuals. Most other studies I've read have lead me to believe that love is love and the primary difference between different types of love is what we choose to do with it. On a forum I was on a few years ago I created a thread about aromanticism and asked non-aro people to define romantic love. Most definitions people gave me were completely useless 'you know when you know' kind of definitions, but I had a fairly enlightening conversation with one person. I described to him how I experience platonic love, in particular the feelings I had for my best friend, and he told me that was basically how he experienced romantic love. The only real difference between our experiences was he chose to take those feelings and build a monogamous romantic/sexual relationship where I chose to build a platonic friendship.
  48. 1 point
    This is perfect: I think we just need another definition describing a romantic relationship. Something that draws the line between loving someone and being in love with someone. I've heard with romantic relationships, they want to be together all the time, can't stop thinking of each other and never want to be seperated whereas a strong platonic relationship needs space or you're fine with not seeing the person every day of your life. That being said I havent even been in a QPR so I'm going to let someone more experienced with any kind of relationship define that part.
  49. 1 point
    I had that moment when I once discussed love with my friends. In contrast to them, I'm very cynical when it comes to love, and said that romantic attraction only last for a maximum of three years- and if you haven't established other forms of bonds with that person your relationship is likely to fall apart. My alloromantic friends didn't agree with me of course and one of them said "No, not true, my boyfriend and I are still going strong even after two/three years! Just wait until you fall in love!" I didn't start an argument, because I think it's better to be a "happy fool" sometimes. She did however break up with him a few weeks after for the same reasons I mentioned. Sidenote: I think the couples that do last for decades have formed "family bonds" and have strong platonic love for each other.
  50. 0 points
    The greatest misconception I've heard was in an "educated" article about less known orientations which included aromantics. But it was explained as "unable to give to accept romantic gestures but will totally fall for you". It really made me wonder what that person was on. Being aromantic is not autistic or having no social skills and thus there is no logic behind claiming that we don't understand romantic gestures. Not to mention that it went directly against aro definition by claiming that the do fall in love. My brain couldn't comprehend that.
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