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  1. 8 points
    I have no idea who coined the notion, whoever it was, they were totally clueless regarding of the meaning of the words they used. There's no need for me to explain what the word "friend" means, so I'm going to get straight to the point. 95% of the duos that call themselves "friends with benefits" are, in reality, nothing but people who have intercourse now and then without talking and hanging out at all and, obviously, without keeping in touch after sex between the parties becomes impossible for various reasons. Well, where is the friendship in all that? Why on earth would you use a notion which is so linguistically inaccurate? To me, this notion means one thing: whatever happens, we stay friends. Sex does not influence our friendship negatively. Friends first, sex partners second. Period.
  2. 8 points
    Hey, Ryan, It actually sounds like your ex is pretty sure of what she feels? I don't see how explaining that there's nothing wrong with being aromantic would encourage her to marry you. As an aromantic person who's had exit romantic relationships several times, I think what prompted me to leave wasn't insecurity about my aromantic identity, but stress from trying to force myself to do things I didn't want to, to meet the needs of my non-aromantic partner. Your ex said that the only reason she didn't want to marry you was "lack of feeling." Forgive me for being blunt, but what is the purpose of asking more questions here, when she's given you such a clear answer? I don't understand what there is to "work out" between you two--if a person doesn't want to do romantic things with you, because they don't have romantic feelings, shouldn't you just accept how they feel, and stop trying to do romantic things with them? If she doesn't want to marry you, or be in a relationship with you anymore, there's nothing you can do to change that. It's not your fault that she has no feelings for you. It's not that you didn't try hard enough as a partner. Feelings don't follow logic and they're outside our realm of control. But what you can control is how you react to how she feels about you. I know that it's hard to let go of her. But it's going to hurt more if you keep holding onto unrealistic expectations for both of you. And if you're holding onto unrealistic expectations until she shuts you down 100%, then you're just delaying the inevitable. On being aromantic, there are many posts on this site, where people share their experiences of being aro. Medical journals, not so much, but I don't think that scientific research has been very respectful or understanding of the LGBT+ community to start with. I can talk about my experiences with ending relationships as an aromantic person. Maybe they'll help you gain some insight into how she feels. It took me a long time to realize I was aromantic. The first relationship I had, was with a good friend of mine, and I really wanted things to work out. But throughout the entire relationship, I felt like I was just going through the motions. It stressed me out whenever she wanted to hold hands, kiss, or make out with me. At first I thought it was just social anxiety, and after breaking up with her, I made a point of getting into more relationships to build confidence. That was a bad idea. I remember Googling "how to break up with someone" moments after agreeing to be their boyfriend. The entire concept of relationships just felt extremely alienating to me. I knew what a good boyfriend was supposed to do, but I didn't understand why. Yes, you do things with your partner, because you love them, but I never felt anything remotely similar to romantic love during all my past relationships. I felt the stress of an actor onstage, of someone pretending to be a person they are not. I felt the excitement of planning gifts for my partners, of optimizing formulas to make them happy; I was more focused on building those formulas, than I was on building a connection with them. I understood romance theoretically, but not in practice. I eventually stopped trying to force myself into romantic relationships, because I realized I was just doing it for the sake of other people around me. I couldn't muster the courage to say "no" to romantic relationships, until I accepted that I didn't want to be in them. And I bet your ex probably thought the same. I wish you the best of luck in wrestling with your confusion, and in accepting the conclusion of your relationship. I'm sorry that it took something as major as a proposal to end things between you, but with these things, it's better late than never.
  3. 7 points
    My closest friend is very allo (and cis and mono, and I'm trans and poly), but she tries hard to understand my experiences. Today I tried to come up with an analogy to explain to her why alloromantic behavior is so confusing. So, this is what I came up with. I'm curious if anyone thinks this makes sense or has a suggestion for a better analogy. Note that this analogy is targeted at alloromantics, which is why it references dating and marriage and intimacy. Imagine that everyone you've ever met is obsessed with mustard pickles (it doesn't have to be this, I just said the first mundane thing I could think of that was utterly repulsive to me). I don't even mean mustard pickles made with quality ingredients, either, I mean cheap gas station pickles slathered in that iridescent yellow slimy "mustard" paste that's so common in Murica. Everyone you know just can't get enough of them. They're obsessed with them. They want to eat them every day, they talk about them all the time. Your daily life is inundated with mustard pickle-related media and social situations. Here's a list of what you encounter on a daily basis. People are always sharing mustard pickles with each other. It's considered the greatest display of affection. People go to restaurants and feed each other mustard pickles. People think you're weird for not wanting to participate in this behavior and openly mock you about it. Most of your friends are always telling you where you can get good mustard pickles, even though they know you don't like them. They concoct circumstances that will put you in contact with people who will offer to share mustard pickles. Your friends always want to tell you that mustard pickles are so great, and how the most important thing in their life is finding someone to share their favorite variety of mustard pickles with, and you don't know how to tell them that doesn't make any sense to you. Some people think it's cute, or innocent, or shameful, or just weird that you have barely tried mustard pickles and don't want to eat them again. People are convinced you're sad because you don't like mustard pickles. Every TV show and movie features at least one scene of people gratuitously eating mustard pickles with each other and acting like it's the best thing that's ever happened to them. People watching go "ooh" and "aah" over these scenes, and rant about how touching or exciting or sensual those scenes are, and reaffirm how much they love mustard pickles. 90% of pop songs are about eating mustard pickles with people, or trying to get their favorite mustard pickles, or about how bad it feels when someone won't share their mustard pickles any more, or being mad at someone because they give their mustard pickles to someone else now. Young people's Facebook pages and Instagram accounts are mostly pictures of them eating mustard pickles. There are night clubs and websites devoted to hooking up with people to eat mustard pickles together. People spend a lot of money on clothes and beauty products to wear to these clubs. It's considered normal for people to plan their entire lives around a relationship with someone who likes the same kind of mustard pickles as them. People have lavish, expensive, fancy mustard pickle-themed weddings, and you think it's gaudy and overdone. There's an entire holiday devoted to mustard pickles where people give each other mustard pickle-themed gifts and greeting cards. It's practically expected that you spend a lot of money getting an adequate gift for your partner on Saint Cucumber's Day. When someone offers you mustard pickles, they are personally insulted when you say you don't like mustard pickles, even if you make it clear that you like them as a person. Some people feel like their identity is threatened that anyone would dare say it's possible to not like mustard pickles. These people tell you that you're just going through a phase, that you'll change your mind, or that if you'd like mustard pickles if you'd try harder to eat more of them. Some people are convinced that your dislike of mustard pickles means you have a serious mental disorder. There are psychologists who offer services to train you to like mustard pickles, claiming that you will better assimilate into society and be happier if you overcome your aversion. Pop-psych websites have articles claiming that evolution (though they badly misunderstand what evolution actually means) causes all humans to have a strong drive to eat mustard pickles. People tell elaborate stories about how the desire to share mustard pickles is the most powerful driving force in history, and is shared across all cultures. If you point out to them that there are plenty of cultures in history that haven't had the singular obsession with mustard pickles that our society does, they go to great lengths to deny that claim. People you've dated have broken up with you because you don't like mustard pickles. A couple of them dramatically berated you over how your dislike of mustard pickles ruined your relationship, and how they can't really love someone who won't share mustard pickles. Or even worse, they don't believe that you can really love them since you don't like mustard pickles. None of this makes any sense to you. You don't understand why mustard pickles are so critical to other things that don't seem relevant at all, like intimacy, health, and emotional satisfaction. You're ostracized because you don't "get it". You just want to have an intimate relationship that doesn't prominently feature talking about, eating, and pining over mustard pickles, but everyone you meet eventually hits an emotional wall and refuses to be any closer with you because you don't have a relationship that involves eating mustard pickles together. A complex system of social rules governs these behaviors, and a lot of people think it's highly rude or offensive that you would even consider asking for certain kinds of intimacy if you aren't willing to eat mustard pickles with them. People who used to hug you or hang out with you a lot suddenly do it a lot less once they find someone to hang out with who likes the same kind of mustard pickles that they do. As you get older, all your friends pair off with their favorite mustard pickle buddies and stop spending time with you, and you become lonely. People misinterpret your loneliness and frustration as jealousy over their mustard pickle buddy relationships, or attribute it to that fake pathology that supposedly causes a dislike of mustard pickles. There's nothing wrong with mustard pickles. You just think they taste really bad, but your whole society is obsessed with them, and that obsession is making life really hard for you. If only society had room for people who don't like mustard pickles, life would be a lot less frustrating and more satisfying for you.
  4. 7 points
    In A World Obsessed With Romance, Moses Sumney Is Happy Alone http://www.thefader.com/2017/09/04/moses-sumney-aromanticism-interview
  5. 6 points
    https://www.aromantic.co.uk For a while there I thought they had misspelled 'aromatic' but 'Aromantic' is their company name.
  6. 6 points
    When searching for an answer one can't just look for the answer one wants to hear. I admit I read what you all said and wanted to reject it as it was not the story I was looking for...but you are right. I don't know for sure if she is aromantic but regardless I need to let her make her decision and focus on healing. Our song may not be over but I can't force, manipulate or coerce her to joining in unless she wants to. So yah...Im most definitely a romantic and find even the idea of aromantiscm as alien. I wasn't even aware that people could be that way until I tried to understand where she is coming from. A good reminder that polarized thinking is usually erroneous.
  7. 5 points
    As someone who's Lithromantic, a lot of the stuff happening with you and your relationships is really familiar to me. The whole process of making a friend, enjoying talking to them (in my case, growing a crush on them as well), and then a more serious relationship occuring. The whole relationship dance occurs, and it normally doesn't end very well. I really feel for you. The best thing you can do is turn down a romantic relationship with them in the first place. That way, things don't need to be as awkward as they could be. Hope this helped! -Fish
  8. 5 points
    I've been there. I grew up in the mountains of East Tennessee. The society there is extremely conformist and backwards. I don't mean "wear these clothes to be cool" kind of conformist. I mean "gay people should die" kind of conformist. The kind of conformist that assumes anyone unmarried by age thirty is destined for hell and/or prison. I was raised by two accomplished scientists in one of the most poorly-educated corners of the United States. As a kid, I had two, maybe three real friends in total. I spent my childhood desperately trying to find something in common with the people around me. I failed catastrophically, and made numerous enemies based on a rumor that I was gay. Only two teachers tried to help. Only one of the students. After two further years of constant verbal abuse from my classmates (and their parents, behind my back), my parents decided it was time to leave. Of course, like any good bullying victim, I had told them nothing. It wasn't until I left that place that I realized what a toxic effect it had. If we had stayed, my mother and I would have probably killed ourselves. My uncle had already tried and failed. There are good people in my home town too, but the bad ones essentially ruined humanity for me. I escaped by studying ecology in California. That's the only way I stay sane: separating myself from the values and traditions of people however I can. I grew up in the South, leaving when I was twelve. I will forever be an ex-southerner at heart, though. I've had a taste of what it means to feel alone in the world. From my experience, I must emphasize this one thing above all else: It gets better. I know it's difficult to believe. If you'd told me that eight years ago (as a few people did) I would have laughed it off as the naive wishful thinking of someone who didn't understand true loneliness. Maybe it was. However, my life has genuinely gotten better in ways I couldn't have imagined then. My only recommendation is to find an entirely new group of people who you would interact with on a regular basis. Work, volunteer programs, and school are all good ways of doing this. Public speaking is scary, but it really helps with social awkwardness. I also got a head start by moving to a new state, but I don't think that's necessary. By maximising the number of people you know, you stand a better chance of finding real friends in the crowd. Not everyone is as heartless as the people you've described, but a fair number of them are. Avoid those like the plague, but don't let their awful demeanor ruin your expectations of everyone else. That's my advice, based on my experience with self-loathing. I hope it helps. And for the record, I care.
  9. 4 points
    Probably someone has already posted this but I found it and I thought it was really cool. I have related to this more than anything else in my life. https://www.kotalinejones.com/aro
  10. 4 points
    No, you can never get too into mustard pickles - as you said before, what is even the point of life without them? It's better not to know the mustard pickle too well before eating it. Getting to know it well before comitting would ruin the charm and mystery of the whole endeavour.
  11. 4 points
    @Zemaddog is a fervent supporter of the dark theme.
  12. 4 points
    Hah, sorry, that just makes me think of The Matrix. Guess we're just waiting for an aro Morpheus figure to 'red pill' and unite a bunch of us "in the physical world" Hey, I'd watch that movie. I can just imagine the trailer now: *cliche-portentous movie trailer voice* "In a world held captive by illusion, a few brave but scattered souls have broken free. Join them as they battle to survive this hostile reign of totalitarian romance" #NoRomo2017 But yeah, in all seriousness, I kinda wish it was easier to meet IRL aros. It'd be interesting if nothing else.
  13. 4 points
    Some questions to ask yourself. 1. Are you physically (aesthetically) attracted to them? It's a separate orientation besides romantic and sexual. 2. Are you afraid to hurt their feelings? 3. Are you afraid to deal with the uncomfortable awkwardness of turning them down? 4. Are you afraid of telling them that you're aromantic and don't have romantic feelings? 5. Are you confusing their actions with romanticism vs. sexual in nature? 6. Are you confusing having a close platonic relationship with someone with being romantic? Some aromantics like a lot of friends or acquaintances but never really get serious with one friend, that has that deep platonic connection. That deep platonic connection is called a squish, it's like a romantic crush but it applies to friendship only. I'm an aromantic that likes to have a lot of friends but also enjoy spending quality time with good friends. I've always been upfront as to who and what I am. I identify as the following: 1. Aromantic man 2. Hetero-demisexual 3. Ultra wide hetero-aesthetic attraction; this means I don't have a type when it comes to women, in terms of what I consider beautiful. What throws women off about me is that I'm physically attracted to them and they automatically (erroneously) believe I'm into them sexually, want to have a romantic encounter and/or relationship with them. By default, they believe that if I'm talking with them, I'm flirting with them, which is dead wrong. Most of the problems these women have trouble with is failure to recognize their own confirmation bias and fix it, they'd rather take a hit to their ego rather than learn from the experience in a positive way. The more you can articulate what you are as a person, the better you can explain to other people who you are and what to expect from you. There's nothing wrong with telling them what is, it saves you and them unnecessary pain in the long run and that's what it looks like you're trying to do in the first place. Aromanticism is an orientation but how you deal with situations in regards to your orientation hasn't anything to do with it. That is where psychology comes in. I've identified three unique attitudes towards romantic advances by other people onto the aromantic person. 1. Romantic repulsion (physically get ill, sick to your stomach; vomit). 2. Romantic adversion (feel really uneasy about what people are doing to you in a romantic way, you want out fast). 3. Romantic indifference (you feel absolutely nothing but you don't return the other person's advances). These conditions actually have something to do with psychological attachments but I won't get into it here, as it's not needed. You seem to have #1 and I'm not fault finding, that's just what you are. I happen to be #2, RA. Perhaps these questions and this explanation will help you and others in your situation.
  14. 4 points
    THAT CAN BE ARRANGED Are there martian scientists involved?
  15. 4 points
    Ong thats crazy!! I always try to make my sims as miserable as possible (i like to say its for the challange) and so like ill make them poor af then make them immediately have kids plus the worst lot traits and they end up so poor and i love it honestly
  16. 4 points
    Does anyone else find it utterly hilarious that some people complain about the odd comment on a (debate) forum being 'too long', when they've probably read books that are 100 times longer and possibly more in depth? (If they even do read). I get a bit pissed off at people complaining when they're just being lazy and most of the time the offending comment isn't even directed at them. Sometimes you do need more than a couple of paragraphs to really get your point across. (This is on another forum and didn't actually happen to me, but I did call the lazy idiot out on it).
  17. 4 points
    If he comes out and says it, honesty is the best policy. You could probably tell him what you told us. If you think you might have trouble doing that, it's a whole other bag of cats. If you're romance-repulsed, tell him the moment it becomes relevant. As for the guilt, I know that feel. I did the same thing for a full year in middle school, and a few more times in high school. The worst part was that everyone tried to take it slow, so they got lead on for months. I wish I had known then what I know now.
  18. 4 points
    Hi Any specific examples that you wouldn't mind sharing here? There could be an unstated expectation here by you that he should make your relationship more important than other important relationships in his life? E.g. friends. Which might not make sense to him; it could seem like asking him to put you before others every time, rather than him putting others before you? But I don't know the history here, so examples would help. Love is a complicated and ambiguos word. It can mean different things to different people. In particular, it might mean something quite different to him vs. what it means to you. Perhaps he's just wary of setting you up to expect things from him that he doesn't feel he can provide? Bear in mind I haven't been in a romantic relationship, but... I think it depends a lot on both your expectations for the future. Would you be happy for things to go on more or less as they are now, or would you like "more" at some point? Maybe discuss to what extent you'd be willing to compromise on any future life plans. What are the "dealbreakers"? If you want marriage, a house together and kids some day, and he wants none of that, probably better to know that now. Try to be honest with one another. Good luck finding whatever path forward is right for both of you; whether that involves staying together or not. And welcome .
  19. 4 points
    @RyanThe fact that you're actually doing your homework on the subject is impressive. Too many have resorted to resentment instead of coming to an understanding in your situation. Thank you for that. I must agree with @omitef here. It's wonderful that you accept her, and I hope she appreciates that. However, aromanticism isn't something that can be made insignificant through understanding. It doesn't just alter the way we think. It changes what we do and what we are capable of. She might have been thinking about this breakup for a very long time, but that's for her to say. Not me. To understand the potential leverage aromanticism can have over someone's actions, I present myself as an example. It's difficult to comprehend the force of such an impulse, so I'm not sure how to describe it. I'd describe it as pressure. When someone tries to get emotionally close to me, it hurts in a bad way, like my lungs are being slowly crushed. I get a fight-or-flight response as I think of ways to escape. I've resorted to physical force against my own best friends to keep them from holding hands with me. In a moment like that, I'd do anything to get away. No matter how much I like someone, all bets are off if they put me on a pedestal. It's really great to see when people don't mind that I'm like that, but that doesn't make the pressure go away. If your girlfriend was able to survive a romantic relationship for two years, I guarantee she doesn't feel the pressure as much as I tend to. I just figured my example might give some perspective to what we're dealing with here. Just the cultural association we have with the practice of marriage may cause her to associate it with romantic pressure, and say no. That's already assuming she can even stand the feeling of being an aromantic person in a romantic relationship, which is a massive if. If you want scientific background, start by understanding epigenetics. That system of gene regulation is the most probable basis for differing sexual and romantic orientations in general, but no precise information exists on the subject of aromanticism yet.
  20. 4 points
    First Impressions: MUSTARD PUCKLES already intrigued and drooling also this statement is basically correct outside of your analogy. Though possibly 'smashed avocado' instead of mustard pickle Thoughts beyond First Impressions: Very well written and encompassing of the aspects of mustard pickle culture we live in () There are several variations to this one that could be added People show preferential treatment to their pickle sharer, even if they only just met and only offered each other pickles. Couples also sometimes base their entire relationship on a mutual appreciation of the same sort of mustard pickle. I think this would be amazing as an information page for alloromantics trying to understand, especially if it was worked so that there was an automatic find and replace that could insert their most hated food item into the text........very helpful, as I actually had to go and get my actual jar of pickles so that my cravings would abate for my brain to work after reading 'mustard pickle' that many times. Showing this whole thing to someone trying to understand aromantic experiences would be extra informative by explaining romance repulsed aros as replacing the mustard pickle with a food-allergy food.
  21. 4 points
    Hah, that kinda makes me sound like a comic book supervillain!
  22. 4 points
    @NullVector Unfortunately, there is very little official scientific background on aromanticism. However, its properties suggest that it's epigenetic, much like sexual orientation. That means that it's inherent, but not necessarily heritable. Epigenetics is a catchall term for chemical control of genes without actually removing them. For example, you have the genes required to go through rapid growth spurts. You only need those genes when you're a kid, though, so your body silences them after a certain period. It does so by tacking a methyl group onto that growth regulatory gene. That methyl group makes the gene permanently inactive after that first use as a kid. You inherit the genes for the growth spurt, but it's a separate system that turns it off. It's already been substantiated that that's what governs sexual orientation. Some gene regulates it, but that gene doesn't get turned on until puberty (or never). By extension, aromantics probably have the genes to experience the romantic instinct, but it's permanently (or in some, partially or impermanently) silenced. Every cell in our body might have the gene, but it's literally inaccessible to the RNA polymerase enzymes because of that chemical suppression. We have it, but it doesn't do anything at all. The lack of a chemical stimulus might also allow our brain to fully develop without ever forming the neural circuits needed to process romance. There's a number of potential causes for it, but nothing is certain. I'd leave out that last bit. When I talk about aromanticism to most people, I don't go that far in depth. I explain it clinically. Describe the symptoms. For example, I've never kissed anyone, and have literally resorted to physical force to stop it happening. It's an instinctive fear that has nothing to do with logical thought processes. When I say "use scientific language" I don't mean "cite everything." We unfortunately don't have any scientific papers to cite. I mean "be precise." Say what you've done. Say what you know. Don't use subjective language, because that encourages people to doubt you.
  23. 4 points
    Yes, this. It never made any sense to me either I guess I always thought of being in a romantic relationship as happening due to some very exceptional set of circumstances. Such as finding a person you have enough time and respect for to go through all the hassle and emotional trauma of getting into the romantic relationship in the first place So, the fact that so many people seemed to regard being coupled as the default setting, and being single as some sort of short-term interruption to this natural state, was more than a little baffling to me! How did these people get into romantic relationships so effortlessly? (and perhaps recklessly?) Why did being single seem so comparatively unbearable to them, when to me it was perfecly fine? Etc. (this line of thinking long predates terms like 'aromantic' and 'romance repulsed' having entered my vocabulary - I now think I'm probably both of these!)
  24. 3 points
    Meet the aromantics: ‘I’m not cold – I just don’t have any romantic feelings’ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/oct/11/meet-the-aromantics-not-cold-dont-have-romantic-feelings-sex
  25. 3 points
    I noticed that too. Most likely the picture was chosen by an editor rather that the writer. It's also important for people to realise that orientation isn't a matter of personal choice or "lifestyle". I think religion may be a better analogy than sport. Since there are places which make following a certain religion almost mandatory.
  26. 3 points
    I rather organize a sham-marriage for @Apathetic Echidna than get married.
  27. 3 points
    Damn some posts in the comment section of this article… If it only were like football (soccer) with whole nations not interested in it! (yeah, and of course, just not being a cliche hopeless romantic like from a Hollywood movie is not remotely what “aromantic” means). Also, even if the community degenerated to the point where it would only be about exchanging tips how to get casual sex, we would have enough to talk about!
  28. 3 points
    ahhh so many of these. can i just say, you guys are awesome, it's so cool being able to talk about this stuff with people who get it. or in this case, don't get it, i guess. anyway, so as not to be too repetitive, i'll just acknowledge the mentions of normative monogamy and say that i think that ties into amatonormativity a lot. being aro and poly, the whole thing is just wild to me. the whole 'one true love' ideal strikes me as absolutely preposterous.
  29. 3 points
    I'd just like to add that people in the queer community need to stop saying that the split attraction model is homophobic. It's just so blatantly manipulation to try and convince people that aros and aces are the bad guys.
  30. 3 points
    Yeah, this I can't get my head around. Lots of people seem to make this assumption* that romantic attraction would temper sexual attraction somehow - make a person more likely to act all reserved and reasonable towards their object of infatuation. Why? If anything, the opposite strikes me as far more likely - romantic attraction acting as an amplifier of the sexual attraction, making crazy and wildly inappropriate boundary-transgressing behaviours even more likely! *Probably they're too prejudiced in favour of romance. Want to make it sound better than it is
  31. 3 points
    No, you're doing it wrong! You're supposed to follow the rules here! Society's paint-by-numbers rules for happiness. We can't have everyone just making it up as they go along, thinking for themselves (*shudder*) and living whatever kinds of unique individual lives they think best to bring them happiness - it'd be Anarchy!
  32. 3 points
    I love it. All that's missing is photoshopped pictures for each featuring the adored mustard pickles.
  33. 3 points
    Contrary to all those myths about our kind (and even to how some alloromantics see things, for that matter), sex to me has always been more than just fulfilling a biological need (otherwise we might all just play with ourselves and that's it). I've always been of the opinion sex is about making each other feel good and respecting each other whether there's any emotional bond or not. Not long ago I realised that a sexual relationship between two people can actually be helpful in learning some important things about each other. How come? Well, the boy I slept with for more than a year treated me with respect every single time. He never forced me to anything. He was always very considerate of me (asking me whether I was in a comfortable position; when we tried something new, he said "if it feels unpleasant, just let me know, alright?"). He genuinely cared that I feel good and have a great time. Now, all these say quite a bit about him, don't you think? But if there's no consideration between the people involved, well, I'll let you guys draw the conclusion.
  34. 3 points
    Preach! 'Our kind' <-- We are now mythical creatures. Love it
  35. 3 points
    Lewd is fine. There are discussions of that here. I don't know of lithromantics on the forum off the top of my head, but the search bar should have an advanced search option that can search for that. I'm sure there's some folks around who have shared that experience. Also, since you don't have a welcome/intro thread elsewhere, welcome to arocalypse! Your customary ice cream is here Enjoy your stay! P.S. I volunteer at an aquarium. Fish have my approval
  36. 3 points
    Yeah I feel this. I mean for me admittedly I usually throw all the cis/het/normative boxes out the water simply being transgender so less assumptions are made.. or different ones? But yeah the few times I'm assumed to be anything (almost always wrong) I tend to not correct them unless it's necessary. I don't need that kind of hassle in my life just for being anything but the norm and frankly giving elxpinations for hours doesn't appeal
  37. 3 points
    I'd rather swim to an island (in the middle of the ocean, mind you), across big water, ocean water, than get married.
  38. 3 points
    For me, it's how much I desire emotional closeness with them, or more negatively, how much stress is involved in trying to make the friendship as great as possible. For people I'm queerplatonic with, I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could spend more time with them, about how I can get to know them better. I will strategize ways to engage with them intimately, to ask them to hang out, and make them happy. There's a strong sense of urgency, and desire for perfectionism involved, which can sometimes result in more stressful interactions. I'll think about our friendship in a long-term sense, and whether I'm ready to commit to be their support for life. For people I'm platonic with, everything is casual. I don't frequently think about how I could spend more time with them--I just seek them out when I feel like hanging out with them, or talking to them. I'm not thinking about the future of our friendship--frankly, it's not something that I care about. There's very little anxiety involved, because I feel like there's less at stake. I'm not planning ahead when it comes to building intimacy, and because I'm not planning ahead, there's no fear of messing up. Disclaimer: This is just my personal view of things. The way I express affection is by treating my relationships like a coding assignment, where I'm striving to write the most elegant code to maximize their happiness, hence the emphasis on perfectionism and planning. If you do not understand relationships within such a formulaic framework, this advice may be completely inapplicable.
  39. 3 points
    It has been like that for me as well sometimes. I find it really interesting how all the metaphors I've heard people on this site use to describe the experience of romance repulsion are kind of thematically similar. Drowning; suffocation; crushing (lol, that last one is a little ironic isn't it? ) And definitely 'fight-or-flight' can kick in for me too. @Ryan I guess it can seem pretty "alien" if you don't experience anything like the above, but it's really cool that you're making some effort to understand it intellectually Spread the word!
  40. 3 points
    Sadly we all feel the lack of formal research and papers on aromanticism. I just checked my regular source but sadly it is all about asexuals, which is having it's own problems with finding correct participants for studies. Exploring the forums here and other informal internet resources really seem like the only option right now. As for the other things I second what everyone else has said. You being okay with being in a relationship with an aromantic does not automatically mean the aromantic is okay with being in a relationship with a romantic. Guessing from my own knowledge, marriage maybe the one step too far - I know plenty of romantics who are repulsed by marriage or don't believe in the concept.
  41. 3 points
    Yes, 100% agree with this. I was also saying in that other thread that I think you perhaps need some sort of "emotional contract" setting out at the start of a sexual friendship / friends with benefits relationship and part of that "contract" should be to establish that if the sex does start to have a negative impact on the friendship then you can return to friends who don't have sex / friends without (sexual) benefits. There's also the possibility that the sex would have a positive influence on the friendship. Mutually reinforce it, affirm it, be a nice thing that the friends do for each other, a kind of shared gift that they can both give and receive at the same time. At least that's what I'd hope for out of a "friends with benefits" relationship
  42. 3 points
    Hi! Sorry I didn't reply sooner, I kinda forgot about this place for a while. Ima try to be on more now! Nowowow ill actually do the thing u said. i play the sims, a lottt. I also draw sometimes. I probably have anxiety. Im in high school and while i live in a v accepting place, everyone at my school is so heckin straight!! I was previously addicted to the allosexual aromantic tag on tumblr, but i've gotten to the bottom of it and i dont know what to do with myself. So yeah... theres a list of things about me?
  43. 3 points
    Maybe the contact you are getting isn't the connection you really need? if you are a life experience sharing personality maybe need to find a friend willing to be your go-to person for big and small events? for example one person to come over each weeks for dinner and to watch the next new episode of that show you both enjoy. or if you are the silence-will-kill-me personality, like me, maybe you need a friendly flatmate? for example walking in your door and seeing shoes that aren't yours and knowing everything is okay. if you are a chatty loner maybe all you need is to find an active group online or in an online game that you can share virtual experiences with and have fun without actually having to change clothes or go anywhere? I really don't know, there are too many personal variables. But as you are lonely now maybe you should seek out other sorts of interaction to try and figure out what you need.
  44. 3 points
    I would rather go to an anti-vaccination rally wearing this on a t-shirt
  45. 3 points
    people not understanding any sort of connection that isn't romantic, or basically the monogamous romantic couple relationship (as polyamory multi-partner romantic relationships are also generally not understood), is a fairly common problem. The people belittling your relationship don't understand, and maybe don't want to understand as they are certain their world view of one true love exclusive romantic partner is the ultimate goal in life (which I think is fairly sad). You can try to explain how you feel towards your relationship which doesn't guarantee understanding, or better yet you could just tell them how much it hurts you when they say or do the things that hurt you. Real friends and family should not be trying to hurt you so just telling them when they do could help your situation. Sorry my advice is written in a bit of a mess of words, but welcome! and I'm glad you have found a connection to someone that understands
  46. 3 points
    Thank you so much for this advice! I will definitely find new people. You have made me feel better!Thank you!
  47. 3 points
    I'd rather go to Mars to get married. Honestly, I'd probably be happy going to Mars specifically to avoid getting married. It's the perfect excuse to tell the stubborn, "hopeful" alloromantic in your life. "I'm sorry, but I can't marry you. My heart belongs to another: someone small and green with huge, black, soulless eyes. And they do such amazing things with their probing technology..."
  48. 3 points
    Interesting topic I liked: and and Yeah, I enjoy this sort of thing a lot also. I'd be inclined to try it out far more than I currently do. Only, trouble with flirting is, there is huge scope for having your intentions misconstrued by the other person, since So how does one communicate sexual intent and friendliness, without at the same time also (mis)communicating 'romantic' intent? Also, this is a big issue for me with flirting: Yeah, I find eye-contact of any sort or duration just too intense and really awkward. Anyone else get that? Haha, please don't ever go back and edit this
  49. 3 points
    Unfortunately, I can relate to the feelings of loneliness. I don't really have advice on how to overcome the feeling though. But you're not alone? So that's a thing. Sorry for the rather uninteresting response.
  50. 3 points
    I wonder if modern society perhaps would makes Aros more prone to psychological unwellness (not that I know if we are, I'm just going by your speculation) In our society people tend to be rather isolated and not have many close relationships. The closest relationship is often that of a romantic partner. Someone to share your everyday routine with, to confine in, have physical contact with (not just sex but any kind of physical interaction). I think that earlier in history we used to have that with more people than just the significant other. I don't mean to write some sociology paper. It's just something I've been reflecting upon. Do you feel like you're missing close relationships in your life? I actually feel like my aromanticism is linked to a very healthy outlook on life. I don't know how to sum it up exactly. Maybe that my happiness is not dependent on another persons action.