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  1. 5 points
    I think that makes a lot of sense. Since I think Coy was asking in order to find a replacement phrase for "aro reparations" in the title, here are a few possibilities for that one: Building Aro Community Aro Community Building Building Aro Community & History (Maybe too long) Also if this is the ending, I think "proxy" doesn't quite make sense... perhaps a word like "vehicle" would get it across a bit better? QPR Misinformation Is Not an Appropriate Vehicle for Aro Community Building We could also play around with the sentence order a bit, which could shorten it more, and potentially allow for more detail in the part talking about motivations: Aro Community Building Deserves Better Than QPR Misinformation Building Aro Community & History Deserves Better Than QPR Misinformation I wholeheartedly agree that I'd like the communities to relate to each other as equals, rather than as either of the two framings you mentioned. If we're being super careful in this thread about not taking people's words out-of-context by making sure to acknowledge why people say the things that they say, which it seems we are, I do want to add that the person you're quoting there said that statement in response to having her own identity and community membership erased. Whether or not people find that motivations are more important than the impact such statements have will vary I'm sure. I just encourage everyone to consider the motivations for everyone involved, if that is something that's important to you. I also wonder whether the entire framing of "indebted and benefactor" would even exist if it weren't for misinformation being spread about the origins of the word queerplatonic (or more broadly, attempts to separate aro history from ace history where that would be impossible). One of the benefits of addressing the misinformation in our community is that it would help prevent this kind of framing from happening as a reaction.
  2. 3 points
    I am really, deeply confused as to why we're spending so much time discussing the semantics of the title of a thread on the Arocalypse forums in order to address issues happening on Tumblr. In all seriousness: what the everloving fuck does anyone expect to accomplish in terms of combating the misunderstandings that happen on Tumblr, as highlighted in the OP, by crafting the perfect topic title on these completely separate forums? My thoughts? Bluntly, I have little to nothing in common with "the ace community" as I've experienced it, and based on my experiences it's one of the last places I'd turn to for help with aro activism. I've tried, many times, believe me, to connect with ace communities. But there's only so many times I can see attitudes like "sex eww, romance yay" being paraded around as the community zeitgeist before I nope the hell out.
  3. 3 points
    Sidestepping the title suggestions/input thingy somewhat because I'm not overly concerned about it—although, of those suggestions I'd vote for the third one because it seems the most straightforward about what the issue is. But, re: solutions/what to do, I assume the one of the biggest things is to simply correct the misinformation where we see it, but how would one go about doing that with sensitivity to the root cause? Particularly if the one you're correcting is very emotionally invested in it? What about when seeing the misinformation circulating on sites you don't actually have an account on? Would pointing out that QPR terms aren't closed (exclusive to the group/groups/people that coined it) before moving onto the correction help? It also seems like maybe it might be more pertinent to address how we could get to conversations on what we want aro reparations to actually look like (or if it is a thing we want) and how we could get that to happen. I'm not generally active in aro communities/spaces (I lurk occasionally), and don't usually have the energy for sustained community conversations/input in any case, but I would like to see these conversations happen (and assist, where able).
  4. 2 points
    Nice to be a part of this community!
  5. 2 points
    I think it would depend on what they MEAN by the term... since it seems kind of contradictory to my understanding of the usage of those words, I'm not sure what information they're trying to impart... Is it: bi/pan, but strongly tending towards lesbian? or: Bi/pan romantic, lesbian sexual (or vice versa)? or: Bi/pan, but lesbian sounds cooler? If it's the last one, then, yeah, I'd say it's maybe harmful. The middle one, is/are not harmful. The 1st one... maybe? (Note: I don't think it's the 3rd one, I just put that in there for completeness)
  6. 2 points
    I'm an ARO who is having a hard time coping. I get people who keep telling me that there's no such thing as ARO, and how I just never met the one. Nobody understands and I'm feeling depression from this lack of acceptance. My late mother's friend is really on my shit list right now. She's telling me this shit how I could one day find somebody that will change me and how I'm "going to scare him away with a label". How I'm "letting labels and living in the past" hold me back. Back from what? A romantic relationship I never wanted?! This is my response: "People keep giving me this unsolicited advice on what to do with my body and sexuality-"wait for the one", "save it for somebody special", things my brain is just not wired for. There's never going to be that magical right person who is going to come along and change me. People need to accept that. My sexuality isn't anybody else's problem. Anybody who gets scared away is a person who isn't worth having in my life anyway. Even before I knew this term "aromantic", I had the feeling something was up when for as long as I can remember, I was sexually attracted to boys and wanted to make out with them, but I never wanted anything beyond friendship and never had any desire for romantic relationships. I never felt romantic attraction and you can't change an ARO anymore than you can change a homosexual.". I'm never going to change. I'm 28 years old and always felt this way. I can't force myself to feel ways I'm not wired to feel. I even had moments where I wished I would die cause of people's comments making me feel defective and bad about myself.
  7. 2 points
    I found this video, with title "70 Women Ages 5-75 Answer: What Does It Mean to Be in Love?": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2oD2sZlQlw I thought, it will be fun to see how far I can watch the video and still relate to what they are saying. I can relate to the children ages 5-9, and after that it feels like the tone changes. Suddenly there is talk about butterflies and wanting to be with the person all the time. A lot of the descriptions I do not experience at all, but a lot of others, I do not understand why they have to be romantic? A lot of the time it just sounds like these people are describing close friends. Like 18: to be happy and feel like you are safe. Why should this only be one person, your partner??? Why it is not a friend? I am confused. That is what is most interesting for me in this video, that I can relate to a lot. I feel a lot of these things, like being vulnerable with people, understanding and being understood, feeling safe, etc. I just do not feel them as romantic. I wonder if these are actually NOT romantic, but just closeness with people, but when allos start having crushes they put all those feelings of closeness on one person instead of sharing them with many people outside of romantic relationships (like little children do, I think). So society begins to associate them with romantic love. And then when aros say we are aro, allos assume that we do not feel that same closeness because they think "closeness = romantic love". But in fact they are two different things. Does this make sense? (Also, I know that not all aros feel or want to feel the things I mentioned, and that's okay But I do feel them, which is why I consider it is interesting to discuss them.) What do you think? Can you also relate to some of the video, or is it all strange to you?
  8. 2 points
    Okay, so apparently looking at someone and thinking they are attractive and wanting to be friends does not quantify a "crush". Who knew! Not me!
  9. 2 points
    Honestly, I'm still confused as to what the exact purpose of this thread is. You've established that QPRs were coined by aces. You've established that misinformation about this subject is a problem, particularly on Known Horrible Website Tumblr Dot Com. You've called out specific individuals for the grave sins of a. not knowing things nobody told them and b. wanting to discuss their community without constantly having to owe everything to a community that continues to hurt them to this day. You've said that denying the history of QPRs won't do anyone any good. So what, then, is your solution? What do you want us to do? What is your solution for those who are tired of having "ACTUALLY sweaty, the ACE community invented (everything about the aro community)" held over their heads at all times? I agree that misinformation is bad, and I understand using examples to illustrate your point. But I haven't really seen a lot of positive action coming from this thread; So far, it just kind of seems like a way to make people, especially particular individuals, feel bad. Yes, we KNOW aros owe our pitiful, meaningless existence to the great deeds of the ace community. Yes, we KNOW we're horrible monsters for not showering the ace community with praise at every moment. We know, we know, we know. What do you want us to do about it? And what do you want them to do about it?
  10. 1 point
    I also had an aro dream recently. I dreamed, that I was dating a guy (usually I never dream this). We decided to go on a holiday together to a village in the mountains. In the dream I did my best to NOT get tickets for the same bus and also booked my own room in the hotel. Then, halfway through the holiday, I forgot completely, I was with my guy, and I joined a group of American tourists instead and went skiing with them and had a lot of fun
  11. 1 point
    okay... i'm really surprised no one has stared this yet. so you need to give the character that you headcanon as aromantic AND your reasoning (otherwise it's just a list tbh) i'll start: Rey from The Force Awakens: this bean is the best, so far she hasn't been given a love interest or been giving anyone The Look (tm), which is surprising because it is a Star Wars movie. I just want the new movies to end with her happy somewhere with lots of green and in a QPR with Poe and Finn,, i kno its not going to happen,, but i want it to. Dean Winchester from Supernatural: i didn't start headcanoning him as aro until i saw a post on Tumblr tbh. I can kinda see it because he honestly seems to be happy just on the road with his bro and the occasional one night stands. and also this picture: i rest my case (and i really really want that hoodie ahhhh) post yours!
  12. 1 point
    I was wondering what you guys really can't seem to understand about romance. I guess we all have difficulty understanding the basic stuff like what crushes feel like and whatnot, but what about everything that encompasses this whole romantic culture we live in? I, for one, can't possibly understand how a lot of people seem to find extreme jealousy romantic. I just saw a post where a guy said that if a girl wanted to marry him she'd have to cut off all contact with other boys and everyone was gushing about how the fact that he was so protective was romantic and cute... No it's not, it's abusive. And I'm not saying everything romantic peeps are like that (thank god!) but I see that a lot and it's driving me crazy. Something else I don't understand is this rule of "you can't date someone that your friend used to date". I mean, if you're friends, it means you have stuff in common, so it's not that surprising that you'd fall for the same person, and I don't see why you're expected to never date one of your friend's exes AFTER they broke up. If you caused the breakup or if you openly thirsted after the person, then I can understand, but if the breakup had already happened and there's no way they're ever getting back together, then where's the issue? Why have I witnessed multiple persons cut off one of their friends because that friend started dating one of their exes??? This makes no damn sense.
  13. 1 point
    SPOILERS FOR RISE OF SKYWALKER AHEAD!! I agreeee. I loved the connection they forged at the end, but couldn't they have had a friendship or sibling relationship? A hug woulda been so much better. But I guess the creators couldn't see ANY non-romantic way to depict a human connection Also my son Kylo should not have died aaa
  14. 1 point
    Just so the last Star Wars.
  15. 1 point
    I didn't know the word "negging". I search on Google and that sounds dumb. I saw it on movies but not in real life (at least I think). But I suppose that the conversation I wrote can't be mistaken as negging... except that my characters really meant it and that the girl wants the boy to go away. It may also be the trope "they hate each other then fallin love" (well technically they hate each other and will become friends; but still, I never thought about it as a flirting phase...). And of course the fact that you always expect the boy and the girl to kiss at the end of a book or a movie...
  16. 1 point
    I always understood "platonic love" as romantic love without the sexual component.
  17. 1 point
    Update: title changed from "QPR Revisionism is Not An Appropriate Proxy for Aro Reparations" to "QPR Misinformation Is Not an Appropriate Vehicle for Aro Community Building," per feedback that the original phrasing sounded accusatory. So now that that's changed, would anyone like to address any of the other accusatory language used in this thread?
  18. 1 point
    Come on, only 90% of it (crying inside). I suppose it was supposed to be a jokes about how couples are in fact about sex more than romance, but i came out wrong and really this is bad. Aro are robots, sex is part of romance, and romantic love needs a lot of sex (90% exactly, so asexual romantic relationships are have only 10% of romance I guess). I didn't know you can put this much of amatonormativity in a few lines.
  19. 1 point
    Honestly, if they “give up” on romance and are alloro, they’ll find it again when they’re ready. If they’re like me (who just decided in middle school to not have crushes anymore), they’re provably not alloro and this will hopefully help them. I would say just try to be the best friend you can be and express your platonic love/affection for them so they know you care for them even if it’s not in the way they wish you did. just a reminder, it’s not your fault that you can’t reciprocate the feelings. You don’t have to apologize for that and they shouldn’t expect an apology (idk if that’s relevant to your situation, but it’s a good reminder regardless)
  20. 1 point
    I don't know if I can help because I compartimentalize my emotions a lot too. When I discovered aromanticism, I tried to convince myself I was not part of it. Which is a bit weird because on the other side, I had zero problem accepting my asexuality (the harder here was to accept there was a special word and asexuality wasn't the norm lol). But I thought I had crushes because I intellectually chose boys that was nice and cute as potential husband (because getting married sounds like something you have to do in your life, accordons to society). And most of all, I wanted and still want to have children : being aro meaning give it up on having a traditional family, and it was hard for me, the very reason why I deny my aromanticism at first. This causes me to emphasize the one real crush I had : I couldn't be aro because I had butterflies for this guy as soon as he walks in, back in 2014. But it was 5 years ago, lasted only two or three weeks, and I wasn't obsessed about this guy, didn't daydream about kissing him or imagine a date or things like that. Could I really say I was allo based on one experience five years ago, that is even not as extreme as it seems to be for other people? I don't think so. Because of it and some intellectual interest (meaning I consciously decided I can have a crush on someone, which wasn't a crush in fact), I decided to go for greyro. But then I realized that I mistaken crushes for what I call now intellectual attraction or interest, and that I never had another crush like that in my whole life. So I use only aro now. But I had to go though denial phases before. So I don't know if this was because of society, my own desire, or whatever, but I get that you can be in denial and then emphasize all the things that would make you not aro, because it makes you feel safer.
  21. 1 point
    Sorry, I can't help with the first part, but I can definitely relate to convincing yourself into liking someone. We all know what romantic attraction is supposed to feel like from TV, movies and all that. So it's not impossible (or unreasonable) to want to replicate that attraction because society and media makes it sound so good (and considered the norm). It's much easier to pretend than to confront.
  22. 1 point
    I don't think I said you imply anything? Except if this about the fact that your aro flag should not replace the current one; as you entitled it "aromantic flag redesigned" I assume it was it's purple, but that could be that mis understanding the title so sorry. Then, about the similarities with the other flag, I sais it may be unconscious, which means there is no intent. It is possible that you forgot how the aroallo flag was, but your brain reproduction it unintentionally. That's all I said. I like the vertical flag, it is more original than horizontal lines.
  23. 1 point
    Great! I'm so glad to hear it!
  24. 1 point
    Current suggestion on the table: "QPR Misinformation Is Not an Appropriate Vehicle for Aro Community Building" @bydontost @nonmerci
  25. 1 point
  26. 1 point
    Suggestions on the table now: "Misinformation on QPRs in Aro Circles Hinders Conversations About Real Problems Between Aro and Ace Communities" "Misinformation on QPRs Hinders Conversations About Community Relations" "QPR Misinformation is Not An Appropriate Proxy for Aro Reparations"
  27. 1 point
    Your experience definitely sounds to me like being aromantic. You can fantasize about things without feeling them for real people. Have you ever had feelings for real people? If you have but are uncomfortable with people liking you then you could also be akoi/lithromantic.
  28. 1 point
    I was sure that QPRs was originally an aro term! I mean, I never thought about it because I personally don't care about how a word was created. But as bydontost said, I thought it was created by aros because of the definition that we have now, that focuses on friendship and romance. I had ni idea this concept was important for the ace community, so thanks for letting me know! I agree! I mean, I think it is very important for aros to feel safe in ace places if they want to go there. But I know that even if I am ace, I don't go on ace spaces, not because I don't feel sage but because I don't think it will be useful for me (basically, I identify as ace because I don't feel sexual attraction, but I don't see that as having a huge impact on my life, let alone my identity; while I feel that aromanticism has an impact on my life choices). I would be glad to see more aro communities! Also I don't get why we are focusing on making ace communities safe place for aros, and not LGBT and society in general (because I guess that, for instance, a bisexual aro also have a lot of problems for joining busexual communities, or at least I sometimes saw bi-aro complaît about it, but we don't adress this issue as we do with ace communities).
  29. 1 point
    i've talked about my favourite aro headcanon of all time: piper from rick riordan's 'heroes of olympus' series, followed by luna from 'harry potter' as aro/ace. also arospec: the title character in jane austen's 'emma,' rosa from 'brooklyn nine-nine,' joey from 'friends,' dean from 'supernatural,' and barney and robin from 'how i met your mother'. i'm sure i'm forgetting some, i pretty much find an hc in every book/show. i have some from the old movies i watch but i figure you wouldn't know them.
  30. 1 point
    I guess the way romo people saw it in the past was the engagement ring 'bought' the (usually female) person, hence being expensive and show-off-y; whereas the wedding ring is just a way to 'seal the deal'. Sounds like signing away your soul to me..
  31. 1 point
    How about when romantic people demand to know where their partner is at all times?
  32. 1 point
    So time and again I hear people say: I'd like to X (X being little things such as a new haircut, a different hair colour, you get the idea), but my boyfriend/girlfriend won't let me. What the serious heck? Who do you think you are to dictate what your partner can or cannot do, and for the "victim", why on earth would you put up with him/her making you feel like you need their permission? Does this scenario ring any bells to anyone? Can anyone enlighten me?
  33. 1 point
    I agree with that too. Even when I've really 'like liked' someone in the past, it's still difficult for me to interact. I might feel more incentive to, but those "special feelings" don't magically make it easier. I've been very lucky with my friendships in that they were patient with me for being a bit weird at times, but over time it's got easier to talk and stuff. But people I get feelings for out of the blue and suddenly want to talk to and be around more (e.g. potential fiance/spouse material)? Nope.
  34. 1 point
    Hehe, I've been able to happily ignore Valentine's Day for years to be honest, I like the legend behind it though. The movie/TV trope of a man saving a woman's life and she feels obligated to be with him or 'repay' his courage with certain favours...
  35. 1 point
    Reading up about it, I'm pretty sure I've been limerent in the past towards some people, but not really towards anyone I actually got into a relationship with. My friend describes it as 'the chase is better than the catch' but I just feel horrible now when I think about my past in those terms. Almost dirty in a way I've never understood why some people have got engaged or even married after knowing each other a very short amount of time - maybe even a day! Sure, it worked out for some people, but I'd bet my bottom dollar they're in the minority. Yet, they're still framed as positive, "I found The ONE and I'm telling my story to give hope to all the lonely singles out there TM " stories, rather than "acted ridiculously rashly, was lucky it worked out in our favour".
  36. 1 point
    This sounds exactly like me... though I've never been checked for autism or anything. I get very very irritable if I have to be around people (even people I really like) for extended periods of time without being left alone to recover inbetween. I have been known to disappear to the bathroom for very long periods of time. The one time I tried a relationship with someone I was living with, it got reallly messy. I thought I'd be ok because we were so close... but nope. That kind of thing just doesn't work for me.
  37. 1 point
    Because they can't decide to like somebody or not. And they have no control over the things they like. Crushes are an involuntary visceral experience, and I'd say even much more than simple physical attraction as they trigger feelings of attachment. The person has a list of things they like in a person, including things that they never consciously chose, and even things that they wish weren't in the list. A crush is merely their instinct saying "you've got a match" in some kind of harsssing way and forcing them to get attached to the target. Mind spamming. I can imagine how it can be annoying to have it. I'd say it's like hunger or pain, it's almost impossible to suppress it once it's there.
  38. 1 point
    ((This isn't exactly contributing to this conversation, I know, but I think it might help make this point??) My friends and I use the term "friends with benefits" as a joke, meaning that sometime in the future we'll share an apartment, I'll buy her healthcare, and she'll take me out to dinner.
  39. 1 point
    Before I talk about myself, I just wanted to point out that the idea of splitting up attractions is something we're used to the the ace and aro communities, but I feel we often forget that it may not apply well to others. Not everyone's attractions divide up nicely, and they may not divide up at all and be very interconnected with each other, hence it seeming like many people who experience romantic and sexual attraction can't seperate out the romantic 'noise'. On to talking about myself, I don't think I spontaneously form sexual attraction towards people, but it's a little difficult to know. This is because I usually don't realise that I'm attracted to someone until they appear in my imaginings, either in a sexual way or a particular kind of intimate-friendship way (since I like the idea of having sex with people I know well). So I don't usually know when the attraction started. Another thing is, I also somethings 'borrow' other people's attractions so sometimes it can take me a while to figure out if I'm actually attracted to them, or if I've been in an environment surrounded by other people expressing that attraction and picked it up from there. I know there is a difference for me between being attracted to a person and actually wanting to engage in sexual activities with them. The only one I know for sure, though, is the intimacy one. I can experience sexual attraction to someone I don't know and can happily imagine having sex with them, but I wouldn't want to actually have sex wth them unless I was close with them. Unfortunately, if I get to know someone my brain has an unhelpful habit of sort of 'friendzoning' them, so the attraction rarely survives the process. I definitely had some other stuff to add, but I completely forgotten I'll add them later if I remember.
  40. 1 point
    Ugh! Awful! Way to put you on the spot! I hate that kind of intentional social manipulation shit. And that's exactly what it is. The person who wants to ask you out gets a bunch of their friends together around them, has them pull you into conversation with the group and then ask you out for the potential suitor. Because you're in a group, you feel like a heel for saying no. It's manipulative as hell! I don't stand for it. It hasn't happened in a long time, for me, but when it did, I glared at the guy and said "Not a chance in hell!", then walked away. If they're going to restrict my choices and manipulate me into doing something I do *not* want to do, I'm going to throw it right back in their face. Hard.
  41. 1 point
    It's really not cool to do that. Others don't realize that all they're doing is making the person ashamed to say "no" and makes them feel forced to say yes just in order to not seem like a jerk.
  42. 1 point
    YMBAI you just noticed that the other kids had already started dating, like you saw on TV, when you were like 15 (I was, and am, kinda antisocial). YMBAI you really loved the ending of Pacific Rim because the romantic interest couple didn't kiss, and hugged instead. YMBAI you always loved Disney movies, but never understood all the fuss about love and just accepted it as something invented or exaggerated, since they are fairy tales anyway.
  43. 1 point
    This is why I tried to come out to everyone in one go. I was like "by the way I'm asexual," to everyone I met.
  44. 1 point
    In middle school some "friends" of mine started talking about their weddings and I'm sitting here like??? But you're not even dating anyone??? Have you even though about how much it will cost?????
  45. 1 point
    Or on the contrary, heard all others saying you're gay and thought "maybe they're right, maybe I'm really gay ?", staring at girls (or guys) a bit like a creep, waiting for the spark that would never happen.
  46. 1 point
    But doesn't this happen with EVERY show?
  47. 1 point
    YMBAI you watch that Match.com commercial (i see it on Hulu) where the guy says to the random lady on the street, (paraphrased), "What if I were to offer you a dating service that has people on it that exactly fits your dating criteria?" And.....you can't even process that. Wat?? Where do i even start? How do you even?
  48. 1 point
    YMBAI you can't help being annoyed at people who talk about relationships--even when those people are good friends with good intentions.
  49. 1 point
    YMBAI you wanted a relationship, but when you started trying it just felt wrong and boring to you
  50. 1 point
    You might be aro if you don't understand how most people seem to have crushes all the time... Or if you thought you were just picky when it came to crushes..
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