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  1. Today
  2. DeltaV

    Article

    I don't insist on it. And in a perfect world, I wouldn't give such advice. But the shaming simply isn't going to go away just because I wish to. And you don't need a sexual relationship to have sex with someone. There's simply no evidence this is likely. Most people know that the first time may suck. What terrible thing do you think would happen, precisely? Okay, what I would also say regarding those chronically dateless guys: the problem is on a purely pragmatic level that further shaming won't work. Their situation is already attached with so much shame that if you're going to add any more shame and blame (call them nice guys and entitled), they reach the breaking point and you'll “lose” them permanently. You should not want people to accept some identity as horrible social outcast – it's dangerous. Instead I think it would help: it should be honestly acknowledged that romantic success is not correlated with how good you are at a person. Romantic love can be extremely shallow (regardless of gender)! Very bad people are often romantically successful. if we want people to be more direct about their intentions from the start we have to clearly state this is acceptable behavior. For this we need to get to some consensus about what kind of sexual approaches are definitely acceptable. That is, if a person is made uncomfortable by them, it's still not your fault. There was a video posted by “Think Tank” (Hannah Cranston) called “Take This Quiz To See If You've Sexually Harassed Someone”, which has now been removed, that shows this problem. The quiz it refers to is still online, though. Examples of sexual harassment it includes: “Looked at her in a way that made her visibly uncomfortable.” (I would agree with this if it was interpreted as staring, but it was explained as checking someone out) “Looked at her breasts while talking to her.” “Failed to get explicit consent before sexual contact.” (the problem is the “explicit” part. If it is interpreted as detailed, verbal consent… I rarely got that) “Made sexual remarks about a woman with your friends.” (this is especially bad. Though I surprisingly never do this! But how can this be connected to sexual harassment?) “Made a comment about her body when she didn't ask you to.” “Touched a woman you know without her consent.” “Touched a woman you don't know without her consent.” “Manipulated her into sleeping with you.” (this depends on how you understand it, but the examples were like “putting on a fake Australian accent”. I regard this as stupid and bad behavior but clearly not sexual harassment) “Asked about her sex life, unprompted.” “Tried to hook up with her and only stopped when you found out that she had a boyfriend.” “Apologized to a man for flirting with his girlfriend.” I don't think that it is possible to get zero points on this quiz if you are not asexual. I got the result “Your behavior is a part of the problem of harassment against women.” with 12 points. But you get that with only 1 point, too. If I would be neurodivergent, I might take this quiz seriously… so what should I do? It seems the only way to get sex without sexually harassing somebody is befriending women in the completely unrealistic hope that they will unambiguously and explicitly approach me. Heck, even if I were an asexual, I can remember instances where “Touched a woman you don't know without her consent.” would apply, so I would always get one point. Like it sometimes happens a woman with headphones stands in the way of the train exit. Then I'm going to shortly tap her on the shoulder. The problem with sexual harassment isn't like “Loki's wager”, it's far worse. At least with Loki's neck we have parts where everybody agrees they clearly belong to the neck and not the head. But we have no agreement on how it is even possible to not sexually harass somebody without becoming celibate. And bizarrely there seems to be a resistance to get to this agreement.
  3. BirdNerd

    Tell me about your day

    I finally got out of the house and let myself take some sidequests. Lately I have not been going out with friends as much and had decided I would just start taking myself out but hadn't gotten motivated to actually do it. Today I had a training for my volunteer gig that took me to a university out of town so I didn't have to fight my laziness in getting out in the first place. While I was on break I glimpsed a skeleton in different area of the building my group was in, and I decided to be snoopy and went to investigate--I found a hall filled with taxidermy critters. Then on my drive home I decided to take the long way so I could stop by a state park. I went on a short walk in the woods and through a butterfly garden. It was lovely. (Plus I love all the architecture in the park--many building were made in 1930s as part of WPA and made of local wood and stone). Hopefully today will encourage me to get out there more on my own.
  4. Yesterday
  5. Zorcodtoa

    Article

    I'd like to see those who insist others to try sex explain how one would find such a person to try a sexual relationship with. There's no "one-size-fits-all" type and if it doesn't go well, which is quite likely, one would be more convinced that either sex is bad (for them) or they're asexual, anti-sexual or whatever. Imagine someone who tries coffee for the first time and they didn't like it....was it just a bad drink (e.g poorly made) or maybe they'd prefer it with or without milk, sugar, etc? The coffee fan who recommended it might not know themselves because they didn't taste it before and might not be able to find out. I've drank barely palatable coffee drinks before (one of which I poured down the drain) but also ones that made it hard to believe I went on years happily on instant coffee. But sexual relationships is harder when it requires a lot more complicated variables and conditions for two people, let alone both need to be attracted otherwise it probably won't end well. Personally I refuse to try anything with anyone who I don't like enough, or those who doesn't like me. It's gotten harder to make let alone sustain friends over time and I'm exhausted with having to introduce myself enough alone every time. I may not be able to bash it, but I sure know if I want it and am attracted to someone or not. If anyone however has any suggestions to how I should try it anyway feel free to say so....I could do with a laugh.
  6. DeltaV

    Article

    Yes, I agree with that. I'm nearly pushed to give everybody the advice to try it at least once, except if the person is very secure in their asexuality. But what I referred to was explicitly mentioned in the article linked there. The one who lost his virginity late and deeply regretted not having had sex in his 20s. I also didn't have sex for years (after I gave up relationships) and never regretted that. What I mean is that I suffer from loneliness1, sometimes severely, already now and this seems a problem for many here. But do we have good advice what to do about that? I find it very difficult to attain a friendship which is taken as seriously as people take their romantic relationships. 1 interestingly sex makes me feel not lonely. But only for a short time.
  7. brook_worm

    Hearthless webcomic

    Just finished reading it. It is a cool concept! It's always interesting when creators not only include queer stuff, but make it an important part of the plot. The pacing was a little fast for me, not as much time for character development as i would have liked, but it's really good overall
  8. DeltaV

    Another Aromantic Test

    So 58% aromantic, 33% aromantic asexual, 8% not aromantic. Rest 0%.
  9. Skittles87

    Aro-themed blog post

    Absolutely. Society worships romantic love, so there's a lot of pressure for people to always feel the grand passions of a romance novel. I doubt that's easy to maintain in a long-term relationship.
  10. Last year someone posted about this webcomic Heartless. It was still ongoing then and now it's finished so I think it deserves another mention. I think it's a really cool idea on how to use ace and aro to create worldbuilding and the story.
  11. Spirit of God

    Early signs that you were aro

    I remember, as a freshman or sophomore in high school, I had a dream where one of the girls at my high school had a crush on me and they were vocal to me about it. Instead of going out with her, I spent time with my friends.
  12. nonmerci

    How being aro influence art?

    Reading all your answers was interesting. Same for me. It always surprised me to see all those songs about love : I feel like 75% of songs talk about that. Maybe the Reason why I got into musicals in the first place is because it offers me more variety. It fits my experience. You can't tell that I'm aro by reading me, but I realized that a lot of my romantic relationship doesn't end well or are dysfunctional or not reciprocated, and that I value other types of love like friendship or family (I focus a lot about family). Like, once I build an entire prophecy about my hero finding a former love, and a love triangle, which ends up with my hero realizing that the prophecy wasn't talking about his ex but about his family. I don't know if it is because I'm aro or just to go against the main Stream, but I never present love as the ultimate thing ever, even when it works. It makes sense. When I wrote aro characters, they usually don't care a lot about their aspect of their personnality, they are ok with it. I suppose that an aro person who had a lot of problems because of that would more write characters who have to deal with negationism, people who wants to ship them no matter what. I feel you. I hate, when two characters become a couple, how they can't stop cuddling and looking at each other all the time. Usualy, my characters become a couple at the very end, so I can stay with an ambiguous relationship that I affectionate more. It reminds me when I learned I was aroace and that I began to put aro and/or ace characters everywhere . And it's ture that it easier for me to write an aro character that romantic Relationship sometimes. I mean, I have romance in my stories, but when I have to describe attraction I feel so alienated : before I knew I was aro, I was wondering why I was writting that because nobody is attrected like that to a person they don't know, except that in fact they really do. And sometimes I have to remember that my characters are not aro and that attraction is a part of their life. Writting aro characters is easier.
  13. nonmerci

    Article

    So true. I remembersomeone speaking about sexe as a rite of passage to adulthood. And also, on some forums or discussions, I saw people say Something like "if you never had sexe, then you never knew your body", which really confused me. And I don't count all the movies and shows where characters guessed that people had sex for the first time just because they suddenly seem "confident" or things like that. Anyway, all movies treat sexe like a sacred thing that you need to do if you don't want your life to be a mess… And same with romance of course : if you don't fall in love, you can have all you want in a movie, but you will Always "miss" something... That's why I think that even if these people in the articles are clearly not aro or ace, they could benefit to know about us. Of course, if they're not aroce, they may still suffer from being single/Virgin because they are still attracted to people; plus then it adds questions like "how would people think if they know that are never dated/had sex before?" (I was worried about this before I knew I was aroace because I was scared to sound so weird when I'll have to explain that to my hypothetic future partner). But knowing that some people don't care about romance or sex but are still happy must help some allo people to learn that this is not a big deal. If asexuality was acknowledged and accepted, I'm sure that people will stop seing sex as the best thing ever and as a rite of passage, and that it will benefit to everybody who worries about it.
  14. NullVector

    Article

    But also friendships which are equivalent to the closeness of a stable romantic relationship aren't easy to attain in our times. I mean, we could only offer relief if we could offer it to ourselves in that regard Can you unpack the final sentence a bit more? I didn't quite get the point you're making.
  15. NullVector

    Article

    Ok, I don't remotely understand how somebody can regret missing out on sex that much. It feels like a not that impressive hobby to me, that's all. But we must acknowledge that, sadly, I'm the odd one out here – it's very important for most people The strength of the desire to try sex would vary from person to person, of course. But I think an additional part of the problem here is the way sex is treated as a rite of passage in our culture, so that if you've not been 'validated' in that way then you might struggle to feel 'normal' (as some of the people in the article do explicitly say). Also, a whole lot of fuss is made about sex being a transformative (quasi-religious, almost) experience, so it's easy to pick up the idea that you're not a fully realised human if you've not experienced it (which I think can be why terms like 'monster' get thrown around here). It's probably easier to let go of all that cultural baggage if you've experienced sex at least once? (and maybe realised that it wasn't that big of a deal after all). And also very negative internalized self-image, I think. They seem to be doing a lot of violence to themselves there - a few of them mention not talking to friends about their inner experience because they feel a deep sense of shame. So I agree with your suggestion that more intimate friendships could help here. Friends can help us to see that we aren't the monsters we can sometimes imagine ourselves to be; and by helping us to improve our lives allow us to see that we're 'worthy' both of receiving help and of living improved lives (the 'evidence' here, of our friends actually taking the time to help us, is especially strong as it's coming from an external source, rather than from our (probably skewed, in these cases) self-evaluation). That could be a far more 'transformative' experience for somebody than sex?
  16. Holmbo

    Willpower

    In one study they had participants do meditation exercises for a few weeks, while a control group did some other exercise. In another they had people reflect over a moment they felt grateful. So it's not any revolutionary exercises. In the episode they talked about daily meditation or trying to think of something you're grateful for everyday. To take pride in small accomplishments. In general being aware of when we feel positive feelings and trying to express them to others.
  17. NullVector

    Willpower

    What sorts of things did they do to cultivate those emotions?
  18. DeltaV

    Article

    I 100% get the shaming part, I still suffer from it a lot (while I lost my virginity at a normal age, I have a very odd sexual history). But what they say still sounds too genuinely miserably depressed to me for any of them being aro. I would've never written something like this. There are so many different issues packed into that word. I even found this: to me that sounds like the only way I could even imagine getting into a successful relationship… Ok, I don't remotely understand how somebody can regret missing out on sex that much. It feels like a not that impressive hobby to me, that's all. But we must acknowledge that, sadly, I'm the odd one out here – it's very important for most people. And then there's the strange romo-sex-connection. This is a total mystery to me, but (by all observations) is regarded to be of supreme importance. But also friendships which are equivalent to the closeness of a stable romantic relationship aren't easy to attain in our times. I mean, we could only offer relief if we could offer it to ourselves in that regard.
  19. Holmbo

    Willpower

    I listen occasionally to a podcast called The science of success and they had this really interesting episode about willpower. I found myself wanting to really sum it up so I'll post it here as a tiny self-help/lifehack themed post The episode has an interview with a Dr David Desteno who's researched willpower. The way we usually think about willpower is that it's about suppressing wants an emotions. We really want to eat an ice-cream but we force ourself not to, or we really don't want to clean the house but we make ourself do it. According to Desteno this strategy can be effective, but it puts a stress on us, it takes energy to fight against our emotions. We're less likely to succeed if we're already stressed, or tired. A better way to succeed is to strengthen emotions that does make us want to do the right things. When one look at problems of willpower it's about the battle of short term vs long term gain. It's about being able to delay a reward for a bigger one long term, or do something unpleasant now in order to gain from it later. According to Desteno, when you look at it from a evolutionary perspective most of the delaying of gratification would be in context of human relationships. When you live in a small tribe who's survival depends on cooperation, those who cannot put the good of the group above their own needs at times is not welcome. Those who do not help someone else does not get help when they need it. So humans evolved emotions that made us want to do act in a way that benefits us long term, such as compassion, gratefulness or pride. The episode goes into studies that show people who spent time cultivating those emotions are more likely to choose long term gain over short term. Not because they force themselves to do it, but rather because their emotions drives them to it.
  20. Holmbo

    Article

    I feel like the big problem for most of those people are not really the lack of sex but rather the loneliness and isolation they seem to feel. I don't know that the aro community could offer any relief in that. Most of them seem to want a romantic relationship. But maybe there could be some help for them to separate sex, romantic feelings and intimacy in their minds. The best way forward for many of them would probably be to put all their effort into cultivating stronger, more intimate friendships. That way they would have someone to talk to about these feelings, and help trying to figure out what they want from life and how they can aim there.
  21. Holmbo

    Aro-themed blog post

    Great text. I've never thought about how a lack of words for aromantic feelings could be an asset. You have the opportunity to write something that has never been said before. I agree that many people could relate to the feeling of alienation or being different. I also think that even allo people can sometimes worry about not feeling enough romantic love. The might wish that they had romantic feelings for someone they don't or feel guilty about putting a friend above a romantic partner. So maybe aro feelings could be relatable in such instances too.
  22. brook_worm

    Aromantic Character Headcanons

    Kaito momota from danganronpa v3! I know the game wants me to ship him with maki but fuck that lol even when she confessed to him he didn't say one way or the other about if he feels the same. That romantic subplot was so annoying. They had a perfectly good friendship, it didn't need to change! He didn't seem in love with her to me. Kaito and shuichi are my otp, but in more of a QPP kinda way, maybe with some one-sided romance on shuichi's side.
  23. Spirit of God

    Aro.......but in the worst way (Song)

    @Apathetic Echidna Gosh, I can understand your annoyance toward the lyrics to this song. People must get enlightened on issues like this.
  24. Last week
  25. Powder

    New aroflux member here~

    Oooh, nice! It hasn't even crossed my mind to check the emoticon list until now. You're welcome! And thanks! Ooh, nice! Se você se interessar, talvez seja legal ao menos passar no fórum do Orientando, ou em nosso Discord, ou talvez até mesmo na colorid.es, se você tem interesse em redes sociais estilo Twitter também. ^^ (Por acaso, no nosso Discord uma boa parte do grupo pode ser considerada dentro do espectro arromântico. @_@) {Translation for mods: Ooh, nice! If you are interested, maybe it would be cool to at least take a look at Orientando's forums, or Discord [group], or maybe even at colorid.es, if you are interested in Twitter-style social media too. ^^ (Incidentally, a good chunk of our Discord group may be considered aro-spec. @_@) Further context: Aro-friendly LGBTQIAPN+ spaces are pretty hard to find in the lusosphere. Heck, as far as I know, the only aro-focused space is a FB group with 100-200 members owned by an aroace guy who denies that aromantic can be called an orientation, because to him only certain sexual orientations can be orientations. }
  26. Jot-Aro Kujo

    Scariest movies for you as a child

    I was never really scared of anything except the elephant graveyard from the Lion King, and the pipe organ from the Beauty and the Beast Christmas special. (You know, the "I'm BOLTED to the WALL!" guy.)
  27. DeltaV

    Scariest movies for you as a child

    From the movies I was actually allowed to watch as a child it would be Gremlins and Fantasia; I guess my parents didn't even look at the age rating because the covers were too cutesy. And then Dance of the Vampires (The Fearless Vampire Killers in the U.S.). Of course, it's not a remotely scary movie for an adult, but you don't get how silly it tries to be as a child. I once sneaked to the TV in the evening (I was 7 years old AFAICR) and of all movies, it was Natural Born Killers running. It just totally freaked me out, obviously.
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