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  1. Yesterday
  2. Not me, but at the ace meetup I was at at a con (mentioned in another post of mine) a kid (probably 14?) said "[they] somehow manage to be flamboyantly gay, even though they are ace-aro" I liked the phrasing. It doesn't describe me, but I liked it...
  3. I should mention that the moderators were totally welcoming, and understood my discomfort, etc. But yeah... Also, I was able to put in a plug for arocalypse (although I think I pronounced it aropocalypse... hopefully people can find it...)
  4. So, I know these aren't all the orientations you'll find out there, so just select whichever fits best I'm curious about how the statistics will be. ~Luca
  5. I have persistant depressive disorder, panic disorder and mild OCD diagnosed and suspect ADHD, anxiety disorder and being somewhat autistic.
  6. I believe that all religions and their gods exist to some extent. For me, there's this force we can't comprehend as humans, so we try to explain it away with religion. Some people prefer to have this whole force as their one and only God, others prefer to view it in it's different aspects, creating polytheistic religions. Personally, I like to picture this force as the Norse Gods, with me having worshipped them for years now, Loki in particular, since he helped me understand my gender and that one doesn't have to conform to what everyone wants you to be.
  7. For what it's worth, I think feeling a bit alienated by the contrasting experiences of other group members is always going to a problem in large mixed groups like general "a-spec" groups (whether you're an allosexual aro, asexual aro, or asexual ace) - for example, just within the general ace groups I'm active in, both aro aces and romantic aces often feel out of place when conversations they can't relate to as much come up (and that's without getting into things like gender and racial and other demographic differences) - but there's also not really any way to completely avoid that; it's just a consequence of being in diverse communities. That said, I imagine this is definitely especially exacerbated when some groups are numerically overwhelmingly larger as it probably is for many allosexual aros joining general aspec groups. (for a parallel, this is also a common issue for, for example, ace or trans or ethnic minority folks in LGBT groups - even if the rest of the group is doing their best to be great allies, there's a limit to how comfortable you can get when 90% of the people around you have experiences that are diametrically opposed on one axis or another). I think the best answer is to (also) have more specific groups and gatherings (whether they are general aro groups, or specific allosexual aro groups) that focus on specific sub-groups and can focus on their experiences without having to worry about competing needs from other groups - but the hard part is finding enough people who are capable of and willing to lead them. Most of the people I know who run general "ace and aro" meetups know they're an imperfect stop-gap for a lot of allosexual aro people, but keep them going in the hope that having at least some kind of networking opportunity set up will eventually bring together enough people who can help make something more specific in the future. -- EDIT: I looked up the actual event because I was curious, and I'm not necessarily a fan of the current wording, so I think that changes my perspective a bit - I'm not sure all my comments above apply in this case; I think my actual answer is that, while some amount of feeling uncomfortable or alienated is inevitable in umbrella groups that cover a lot of diverse experiences, I don't think that's what happened here - there are definitely actions that organizers can take to better run joint, interntional, and inclusive a-spec or ace&aro umbrellagroups, that don't seem to have even been attempted here. While I think there are a lot of groups that are honestly embracing becoming full ace & aro umbrella spaces, as I mentioned above, I don't think they've quite made it that far here - any attempt to be a full "A-Spec" or "Ace & Aro" gathering would require including that phrasing in the title at a minimum. The current wording is problematic because even though the second to last sentence seems like it might include allosexual aros, the name and first sentence certainly make it seem that it's really more focused on asexuality - and unclear whether they actually meant to include allosexual aros (and were just unprepared) or if that was just an accidental inclusion when they were actually just trying to cover the full a/romantic spectrum of asexual people specifically. So I wouldn't be surprised if the organizers themselves were not really prepared for how to actively include allo aros either --- Anyway, my advice for anyone organizing joint ace/aro meetups, is that it's important to at a minimum give all groups included equal billing in any event names or definitions, and to have active plans for discussion questions, icebreakers, etc. that can actively include all experiences (aromantic aces, romantic aces, aromantic allosexuals, etc.). Or alternatively, if you are organizing a just ace meetup, and want to emphasize that it's open to both romantic aces and aromantic aces, then use that kind of phrasing rather than just saying "open to the whole aromantic-spectrum" - because it's important to remember that that spectrum includes lots of non-ace people too! --- As an attendee, meanwhile, if you feel comfortable reaching out, it might be good to raise that concern with the organizers and get them in touch with other groups (like TAAAP, maybe) that have more experience working with both aces and aros so that there could be an opportunity to make things more clear or more inclusive in future years, if this is a recurring event.
  8. I was at a science fiction/lifestyle convention this weekend (Arisia in Boston) and there was a meeting that was listed as an asexuality, and a-spec gathering. Aro was listed in the description, so I went. However, as a non-ace aro, I felt really out of place. I was diametrically opposite the majority of people in the room, who were romantic ace. There were some ace-aro as well. I was the only allo-aro there... Have others had this kind of experience? Is there a better way to go about that? or do we just need to find more people to create our own groups?
  9. To jump right in, here is a bit about me.. I am 19 years old and I am a University student hoping to major in Law and Justice and Anthropology as well. I am an introvert and a cat lover. I happened to stumble upon a video in my YouTube recommended list that talked about what being Aromantic was. I had never heard of this before. I watched a few videos and did some online research and It just all kind of clicked with me. I can relate to it so much. It was like I was crossing things off a checklist. I have always felt so lonely and like I was missing out on so much, which people in my life are often so quick to point out. I have never been really able to relate to others, especially people my own age, when it comes to things like romance and relationships and whatnot. My parental unit often tells me that I am "too negative" and "too cynical" about things like relationships whereas I feel like I'm just being realistic. From an early age I expressed my dislike of the prospect of ever being in a romantic relationship. It frustrates me how people in my life seem to think I am joking or something and don't seem to really take me seriously. I've been told things like "you may think that way now, but do you really know that for sure if you've never been in a relationship?" and "give it time, you may find that you feel differently about it later" or "the right guy just hasn't come along yet"... like I don't know my own mind. Looking back I can't really name one time when I felt romantic attraction per se. My "crushes" were more in that I admired a person and really wanted to be friends with them since I thought they were cool, rather than because I was romantically interested. It never occured to me that other people may not see it the same way. Whenever someone asked me out I would say yes out of feelings of obligation but would then end up praying that the other party would call a raincheck and give me a way out of the hell of my own making. I am still unsure of where I fit exactly in the spectrum. I am really looking forward to learning more about myself and this community.
  10. I'm nearly 37, not out to anyone although since a recent (and pretty much only) 3 month relationship ended, I've accepted myself and that I just do not require sex and/or romance. I used to have terrible anxiety as I'm an only child and am expected to procreate, but I think my parents are aware that that ship has sailed.
  11. Same. I don't get it. They are fine with me being gay but I tried coming out to them but they said 'that its just a phase'. I even made a flipping aro ace joke and they didn't even bat an eyelid. I am aro ace though. I have only had I boyfriend year 7 but now I realise that I just wanted to say that I had a relationship. It took me 4 years to come out to my parents and understand it my self but they won't accept me. As soon as I turn 18 I am leaving them forever and changing my name as they want me and my two younger sisters to have children (but my 2 sisters both have a boyfriend so what is my parents problem?) If they won't accept that I am aro ace then they don't deserve to be part of my life. I came out at school though, only my best friend (who I see as my sister) accepts me. Everyone else either makes fun of it or is confused so i have to explain it again and again. It really is annoying.
  12. Being Alone on Valentine's Day by Lemon Demon has some aro vibes.
  13. I'll pop in just to say that if we are attacking a-spec flags with black triangles on the basis of Nazi imagery, we should also be attacking the flags of the following nations for having Nazi symbolism: The Bahamas (black triangle), South Africa (black triangle), Jamaica (two black triangles). The fact that people are not complaining about triangle imagery on nation flags (or even in the Queer Chevron, whose design contains downward-facing triangles, closer in design to Nazi imagery), but only on a-spec flags, is telling. Again, like Coyote said, this criticism is nothing new and unfortunately not something that really holds up. Queer and LGBTQ+ groups fly the triangle demi flags and some queer/LGBTQ+ people have even reclaimed the downward-facing triangle imagery entirely. Suppressing these things is not the answer, never has been, and never will be. It has always been an attempt to mask exclusion and violence with false accusations of appropriation.
  14. From talking a lot to cis people, many people don't think about it. They are completely fine with the gender they were assigned at birth and don't really question it. For some people, even if they don't "feel" like their particular gender, they still consider themselves to "be" that gender anyway, because they're happy playing that role in their community/society. 1. Gender, to me, is a social role. It's a group people fit in with in some way - whether that's based on behaviour, socialization, comfort, etc. For some people (like me!), when they look at the gender roles in society around them (and how people express them in diverse ways), they don't feel like any one of them fits. What social role am I? I don't know. I have some stereotypically 'feminine' traits and some stereotypically 'masculine' traits. I feel awkward at women-only events, like I don't really belong there. I feel awkward at men-only events, as well. For me, gender is something I understand theoretically but don't feel I'm a part of. Especially because many people are breaking down the stereotypes associated with different genders, it's harder for me to know which one I really am. 2. Gender does matter to me, mainly because it seems to matter to everyone else. I mentioned that I know a lot of cis people who say they "don't really think about" their identity, but they will always go to events that are for their specific gender. This confuses me, because people simultaneously say "gender doesn't matter to me" and "well, I'm X gender so I should go to X gender event and not to Y gender event." I also find that cis people, when I really question them about what gender means to them, can't tell me what gender is apart from "it just feels right." Because I never "felt right" in the gender I was assigned, or in the other gender available to me, I just opt out of the whole thing. It matters to me because I don't like people putting me in a category just because I act a certain way, one time. 3. Honestly, sometimes I do and sometimes I don't! Haha. Sometimes I can very clearly understand that I'm agender, because I don't categorize my actions and feelings based on gender. I'm just me. The stuff I do doesn't have a gender and I don't feel like I fit in with anyone except for other agender, genderqueer, or non-binary people. The queer gender group of people "feels right," but it's hard for me to be more specific than that. Other times I can't tell what gender I am at all, because I don't fit anywhere or only partially fit somewhere. 4. For me, being genderfluid means I don't really control which gender group I feel a part of. Sometimes I am very clearly masculine and feel right in a group of men. Sometimes I am clearly feminine and feel right in a group of women. Sometimes I really connect to a non-binary person's experiences on a very personal level, and I feel like they are my in-group, if I had to define myself. Being genderfluid means I identify with different groups at different times, and since I am also agender sometimes, that means that occasionally I don't identify with any groups at all! The key is that it changes, and I can't control it. It's not influenced by me wearing certain clothes, being around certain people or in specific locations/situations, my body/biology, etc. Sometimes I like to use clothing and other ways of presenting to indicate to others that I am part of a particular gender group, but sometimes I don't bother. That's my personal experience. Hope that helps. These are good questions, by the way. I was asking similar questions a couple of years ago. Gender is a confusing concept and in different societies it is defined differently (and even different people define it slightly differently).
  15. Welcome to the community I'm glad you're focusing on you and learning more about yourself in the process
  16. Welcome Thank you for sharing your story and I'm glad you are finding closure and happiness in this community. Here's some more aro ice cream:
  17. Last week
  18. My main reasons for not fully identifying as cis anymore are based on gender expectations that I want to be free from. For example, the norm for male friendships seems to be for the friendship to only involve doing things with each other and not talking about your lives at all. This isn't my idea of a good friendship, and I've dealt with that norm (mostly subconsciously) by mainly finding female friends, which has in the past led people to try to invalidate my identity as aromantic because they also thought that the only reason someone could be more inclined to make friends with the opposite gender was romantic feelings. The main therapist I see also repeatedly tried to tell me the perfect solution to not being able to find good friends because of people's prioritizing romance and the fact that what I want could be considered an emotional affair by alloromantics was to just try to find male friends, not understanding that it's hard to get the kind of support I want from friends from most male friendships. Also, I'm into Connie Glynn's Rosewood Chronicles series and the Frozen movies which are more female-oriented, and on one occasion a while ago I was in a hospital unit with mostly girls and they wanted to watch the movie Ice Princess, which staff there seemed to expect me not to agree to but I saw no reason not to watch it with them. So it's not because I have a problem with male identity labels that I now think I'm non-binary; it's because I'm realizing more and more that I don't fit what society expects from men and don't want to.
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